Just Like Heaven

by T L Bradford

  “Can you take anything seriously? Are there no consequences in that tiny self-absorbed world you live in? What do you think could happen to us if this ever gets leaked out? Any of the staff could have seen you. They can take pictures and sell that shit to the highest bidder. The studio would fire our asses in a second. I swear, it’s like you are trying your best to make us tabloid fodder!”

  “Oh, hellz, no! You’re the one who’s been walking around here acting like a Queen Diva for the past month making a goddamn spectacle over yourself when you can’t get your way! I think you need to stop throwing stones and take a look at your own mess. You and you alone are the reason we are here in the first fucking place!”

  “You have no idea what you are talking about or what is going on. So shut your mouth.”

  “Exactly my point! I am fucking clueless about what’s happening with you, but whatever is happening to you, is affecting me too! Maybe you would notice if you’d stop to pull your head out of your ass once in a while and look around. As you said, I have no idea what I’m talking about, but that is only because you stopped talking to me! I’ve done nothing to you, Noah! Where do you get off treating me like a piece of shit you stepped in on the sidewalk? What happened to you?”

  “Just. Leave. Me. Alone.”

  “No problem there. You got it, buddy. And the next time you look around and see there is no one left, remember those words.”

  Chapter 20

  Noah

  Bright and early, we get up for our first therapy session. Josh and I are the last ones to arrive.

  There are a total of five couples, including us: three heterosexual couples and two same-sex couples. The first couple I recognize immediately since Josh and I were arguing about them yesterday. Katie and Charlie sit on one side of the room, barely acknowledging the existence of each other. Next is an interracial couple. The woman I recognize from a TV show that’s on ABC I think, and her husband who I do not know. Then, there is an older couple maybe in their late 50s who look like they are very wealthy from the jewelry adorning her neck and lastly the middle-aged same-sex couple who appear to be the most connected among the group. Then, of course, there is Josh and me who cannot even make eye contact with each other.

  Dr. Harris will be administering our therapy sessions. She has very kind green eyes, a slight build, and long graying hair that she wears in a braid around her head. “Welcome everyone. I appreciate your taking the time to be here and begin your path to healing.” She explains how the program will work. This first day is called “Breakthrough.” We are all supposed to reveal our innermost feelings or some crap.

  I say good luck with that.

  We are all sitting on the floor in a circle paired with our partners. I see the other couples staring at Josh and me, and I can only imagine what is going on through their heads.

  Each couple introduces themselves. The first couple to talk is the interracial couple. She is black, mid to late 30s, maybe. She is an actress on the show Binge. Her husband is white, early 40’s. They are having sexual dysfunction issues. Apparently, the issues are not medical but psychological. That’s why they are here.

  Katie and Charlie have substance abuse issues as well as Katie having commitment phobia. The older couple no longer has their children around as a distraction and are hell-bent on trying to kill each other. The male couple has been dealing with issues related to one of them being in failing health. By comparison, our problems are a total joke.

  It’s now our turn to talk, and I am at a loss for what to say. I can feel the panic starting down low. I turn to face Josh, but this time he looks away, leaving me stranded. “Hi, my name is Noah Sinclair. I’m not sure we have a right to be here, but it was suggested that I and my—” I have no idea how to refer to him. “—friend Josh, seek counseling since we have not seen eye to eye lately.” There we go. Short and simple.

  Then all eyes turn to Josh. “We have issues communicating. Hopefully, this helps,” he says with no feeling at all.

  The morning is filled with stories from the other couples about their issues. It’s very disturbing to hear people open up so fully about their very personal challenges. I’m being forced to open up, and I feel like a caged animal.

  “Noah,” Dr. Harris says. “You two have been very quiet. Why don’t you tell us a little about your background?” I stick to the basics, saying I grew up in a small town in Tennessee. I talk about my upbringing with a tough father and my hippy mother. I mention that they divorced when I was young and how it was a changing point for me.

  “Noah, why do you think you are here today?” I was hoping I was going to be able to skirt by on my brief life synopsis.

  “I honestly have no idea.”

  Then out of nowhere, Josh says, “Attitude adjustment. That’s why.” I swing my head around to him and want to sock him in the mouth.

  Dr. Harris is sensing progress. “What is your friendship with Joshua like?” she asks me.

  “It’s fine.” I’m blunt about it, but I know no one believes that for one second. I can see she’s changing the game plan in her head to breakthrough to me. She looks up again, thinking she has found it.

  “I’m going to mention a few things, and you tell me what strikes a nerve with you. Is that fair?”

  “Fair.” I’m feeling surly.

  “Did you have many friends growing up as a child?”

  “Not when I was younger, but into college, I made some friends.”

  “How badly did your parent’s divorce affect you?”

  “It was rough, I mean I was 12 years old. That’s the worst time to lose your mom.”

  “How was your relationship with your father after the divorce?”

  “Fine.”

  “I’m thinking you are oversimplifying your relationship.”

  “There’s not much to tell.”

  “What was life like back in Virginia without your mother?” I stop talking. She knows she found a nerve.

  “Noah, this is a safe place. You have heard everyone else’s stories. We are all here to support one another.”

  “I don’t want to talk about this.”

  “Did he say or do anything to you to make you uncomfortable living there?”

  “Look, not every family is a Norman Rockwell painting. We all have our issues.”

  “No one here is in a position to judge you. We are just here to listen. Tell us your story for as long as you can. When you need to stop, simply stop.”

  I look around the room at the others. Josh, though next to me, is sitting with his legs crossed, looking down at the floor. No support there. A memory flashes in my mind. One I haven’t thought about in years. I close my eyes and think back to that day when my father moved back into the Sinclair family estate.

  Everything in my life had changed. I was some degenerate piece of filth that had to be dealt with. The easiest way would have been to ship me off to some remote boarding school. The problem there was most of those boarding schools had all-boys. Can’t have that. Can’t have the temptation right there. What if someone found out? Having me close meant that I could be controlled and manipulated into exactly what he wanted.

  My father tried to mold me into an alpha male. When I repeatedly failed, I was met with a blow. My father was physically abusive to me most of my life, but after the incident, it is worse. So much worse. I was regularly beaten to within an inch of my life for years. The excuse he would make was to make me a man by hook or crook.

  One day while my father was out, I went into the attic and began looking through items from our old house. I came across a box with my mother’s name on it. Inside were several of her personal items. He had kicked her out of the house so quickly; she never had time to grab any of her things.

  One of the items I recognized was a pendant she always wore around her neck. The other was a beautiful yellow sundress I loved on her. I missed my mother so much and wanted to feel as close to her as I possibly could. I took several items out of the box and l
aid them on the floor: her dress, the jewelry, a pair of yellow heels and her shade of perfect pink lipstick.

  Then, a thought struck me. If she could not come to me, then I would go to her. I put on the dress and heels, then looked in the old dusty mirror up in that attic. Lastly, I put on my mother’s pink lipstick. I could see the resemblance in us. I have her dark hair, high cheekbones and full lips. My mother was beautiful and right now so was I. I clasped the pendant around my neck and twirled around to see the skirt flair, only when I turned around, he was there.

  He struck a blow so hard to my head that I was brought into the emergency room with a blood clot in my brain. I was in a coma for a week. I had broken and fractured ribs from where he kicked me. The doctor and nurses should have reported the other older bruises on my body, but when you are a Sinclair, those minor details can get shoved under the carpet.

  Breaking out of my reverie I finally say, “I can’t talk about that.”

  “Would you be willing to talk about your friendship with Joshua?” I can feel myself getting defensive.

  “What about?”

  “Let’s start with you telling us how you felt after first meeting him.”

  “I thought he was a nice guy,” I state flatly and shrug my shoulders.

  “Okay, when did things become strained in your friendship?”

  “I’m sorry, I’m struggling with what we’re doing here. This is a waste of time, yours, theirs…” I indicate the other couples. “We are not a real couple, so I fail to see how this is in any way relevant to what you are trying to do.”

  “Noah, couples therapy is just a title. It does not mean exclusively for romantic couples. It is for people who are having difficulty communicating with important people in their lives. For example, last week, we had two notable business partners here for therapy. Thanks to them coming here and working through their personal issues, they were able to retain their professional business partnership. It’s just about humans connecting to other humans. That’s all. So, don’t get hung up on labels.” She looks intently at me, trying to draw me out.

  “Okay,” I feel defeated.

  “Now, when did things become strained in your friendship?”

  “Pictures of Josh and I were taken outside of my house without our consent. Then the tabloids got hold of it and started making assumptions about what they perceived as a romantic relationship between us.” I look around the room again and see the others nodding their heads. I guess they already knew.

  “And that made you angry?”

  “Yes, of course, it was an invasion of privacy.”

  “If the images had not leaked, do you think you would still have your friendship with Josh?”

  “Maybe, who knows?” I sound uncommitted.

  “So, you’re angry that others found out about the images, not that they showed something that wasn’t true.” She is trying to pinpoint the reason.

  I stop talking. She’s trying to back me into a corner, and I’m not playing that game. She feels me retreating and takes a step back. “Josh, same question, how did you feel when the pictures were released?”

  “I didn’t think it was that big a deal.”

  “Why is that?”

  “It was just a meaningless picture of us being ourselves at that moment.”

  “What is your relationship off-set like?” she asks Josh.

  “Until recently, it was great. Noah is my best friend. We get along; we like the same things.”

  “You live together as well, right?”

  “Not together, together. I mean, I live in the guesthouse behind Noah’s place.”

  “So that’s typical of your friendship, you hang out together and enjoy each other’s company, right?”

  “Yeah.”

  “How do you separate your on-screen affection from your regular friendship with Noah?” Fuck, we get asked this question all the time. I’m so glad she’s not asking me this because I would lose it.

  “I don’t,” he says unexpectedly. “To me, Noah is just Noah; it doesn’t change for me no matter what we are doing. The characters are just another extension of us.”

  “What about you, Noah? How do you separate your feelings?” Shit.

  “I concentrate on being a professional. It could have been anyone on the show they put me with; the outcome would be the same. It’s just our job nothing more.”

  For the first time that day, Josh looks at me. I immediately regret my words when I see the stunned and wounded expression on his face.

  Dr. Harris catches the discrepancy and jumps on it.

  “So, Noah, you are saying that the fact you are friends with Josh was not from a personal connection you developed, but from the random circumstances that lead you there?”

  “You’re twisting my words. Of course, Josh and I have a connection that goes beyond the fact that it just happened to be him hired for the show, but the fact is, if it wasn’t him, it could easily have been someone else. Sorry, I don’t believe in fate.”

  “Josh, how does that make you feel to hear Noah say your friendship would not have naturally developed if you had you not been put into this situation?”

  “I would call bullshit.” What the hell is he doing?

  “Why is that, Josh?”

  “Noah knows as well as I do, he has never in his life had as deep a connection with another person as he has had with me and one way or another, we were bound to find each other.”

  Furious that he would say something so personal to this group of people, I get up and leave. As I’m about to step through the glass doors, I hear him say, “That’s his M.O., he runs away every time there is a problem. Keep running Noah. You’ll never get far enough away from yourself.”

  Day two is Bonding Day. The various couples will be sent off to spend time reacquainting themselves with each other. Each couple is given the location of where it will take place. Ours is near the Na Pali coast. To get there, we take a 3-mile hike in near silence. When we arrive, I can’t believe my eyes. It is a picture-perfect setting, a private waterfall cave dwelling with a lake. It is surrounded by the largest, most stunning tropical plants I’ve ever seen in every color imaginable.

  I want to mention this to Josh, but then remember we are not speaking to one another. I heard him come into the room late last night. I was trying to pretend I was asleep in my bed facing the opposite direction. He sat on the edge of his bed for a while before turning around and going to sleep. He probably wanted to talk to me, but I was not prepared to have that conversation yet.

  The resort provided us backpacks filled with everything we would need for today’s outing, including a picnic lunch for two. We make our way lakeside and put our bags down. The water is crystal clear and rippling in the sunlight. It proves too tempting for Josh apparently because he begins pulling off his shoes, socks and cargo pants right away. Then he stands before me wearing red swim trunks and a white T-shirt.

  He pulls the T-shirt up by using one hand behind his back to pull it over his head. I can see the rippling muscles in his back as he does this. He tosses the T-shirt next to his bag and jumps headlong into the lake.

  He goes underwater for longer than I would have liked and then resurfaces looking like a goddamn wet dream. I feel myself outright staring at him, and he knows it too. He begins playing around in the water swimming from side to side and diving to the bottom only to keep breaking the surface time and again. He’s killing me. I see the thick drops of water cascading down his perfect six-pack abs. I envy those drops so much. Then he lifts his arms and runs his hands through his thick dark blond hair making little peaks that stand up like tiny trees. Then he moves closer to the shoreline and flicks water at me.

  “I figured that would break your concentration.” I knew he caught me staring. Why can’t I stop?

  “Josh, stop it.”

  “Stop what?” He then flicks even more water on me.

  “I’m serious. I’m not in the mood.”

  “Why so serious man?
” A smile works its way slowly across his face to break into a gigantic grin. He steps out of the water and onto the shoreline.

  “Last warning.” I have little to no heat in my tone.

  “Why whatcha gonna do?”

  “I’m gonna kick your ass; that’s what I’m gonna do.” My Tennessee drawl is coming out in full force.

  “I don’t think so. How’s a stuck up, sissy boy, who doesn’t know how to have fun going to kick my ass?” Then he jumps back into the water real quick, making a cannonball move that gets water all over me and the bags.

  “Oh, that’s it! You’re a goner.” I get up and take off my shoes and socks so fast. I pull off my shorts and T-shirt as I enter the water and watch Josh try to get away. I got to give it to him, he’s a pretty good swimmer, but not nearly as strong as me. I catch up to him in no time. He gets as far as the waterfall before I catch him and drag him down under the water. He is laughing and yelling as I submerge him time and again. He gets me a few times, and before I know it, I’m laughing and hollering too. We wrestle and play until Josh finally gives in. We are tired and wasted but feeling good. Then without me even thinking about the words coming out of my mouth, I say, “I didn’t mean it.”

  That stops him cold, and his flailing and playing around comes to a halt. “My outburst yesterday at the session was uncalled for. I don’t even know why I said that. You’re my best friend, too. I could have just acknowledged it. I didn’t have to be an asshole.” Josh is looking at me closely now, not moving. I continue. “It’s just lately…the stress from the press and the questions and insinuations about us just got to me, and I couldn’t handle it anymore.

  “From the moment Steph and Genie told me they were changing Jace, I’ve been so nervous and insecure. I was so scared that I wouldn’t be able to do it. Then the opposite happened, and I started to wonder why it was so easy. I realize the reason it was so easy was that it was you. There was no one else who could fit the bill. It was always you.”