by T L Bradford
In his haze, he realizes that he almost hit me, and a look of horror crosses his face. I see security crossing the lot, and then shove him into the Jeep. I bolt to the other side, jam the keys in the ignition and take off out of the lot.
Noah has his eyes closed, and his head tipped back on the headrest. He looks shattered. He holds his bruised and bloodied hand in his lap. We say nothing the entire trip home.
About a half hour later, we pull up into our driveway. I move to get out, but Noah stays seated, gazing wearily out the windshield. I leave to give him some time alone. In the kitchen, I prepare a Ziplock bag full of ice and then dig through the bathroom cabinet to find the Neosporin, disinfectant and a bandage.
By the time I am finished, he has come into the house. Unsure of how he will react to me, I approach him slowly. All the anger is gone; now there is only sadness and regret. I take his hand and lead him to the kitchen counter, where I have my first aid supplies. He gives me the oddest look but then lets me administer my aid.
I clean and disinfect his cuts, then wrap the bandage around his hand, being careful not to make it too tight.
“Keep this ice pack on it. It will help with the swelling.”
“Thanks.”
“No problem.”
We sit there awkwardly, unsure of what to say. “Are you still in love with her?”
He’s so quiet. I don’t know how I’m expecting him to answer this accusation. “I don’t know what I feel anymore. I’m so confused,” he says dejectedly. This was not the response I was hoping for. I feel like I’ve been kicked in the stomach.
“What the hell does that even mean Noah? Am I anything to you?”
He hangs his head, then without looking at me says, “I’m so sorry. I thought I was over her.”
Now I’m the quiet one. I stand there, trying to comprehend the words coming out of his mouth when I realize his reason makes no sense to me because he’s not telling the complete truth.
“No,” I say.
“What do you mean, no?” he looks up with questions in his eyes.
“I’m not buying this story. Not for one minute.”
“What?”
“You can’t sit there and tell me that the last year with me didn’t mean anything to you.”
“I’m not saying that. I’m saying…shit! I’m saying I still have feelings for Gemma I thought were over, but seeing her with Ash now made them come to the surface all over again.”
“And I’m saying you are a liar. Do you know what I think, Noah? Sure, on some level, you will always care for Gemma. I get that, but you see, I think it’s awfully convenient that you suddenly have feelings for Gemma again.”
“I never wanted to hurt you…”
I’m on a roll and give him no chance to speak.
“It’s so much easier; being with her, because God knows to be with me would be the biggest complication in your life, wouldn’t it? The last thing in the world that Noah Sinclair likes are complications. This isn’t all seamless and pretty and wrapped up in a bow because that is how you like it. Nice. Neat. Perfect. But I wasn’t that to you, was I? You didn’t see me coming from a mile away. I disrupted your structured, laid-out, by the number’s life. I’m the chink in your heavy armor. You’re scared. You’re scared to take the chance on untested waters. You’re scared of your true feelings for me, but most of all, you’re scared of yourself!”
I stay strong not wanting my voice to waver in any way. He says vaguely, “If you only knew…” he trails off.
“Yeah, if I only knew, but I don’t do I? I never do.” I bite back.
I am done with this conversation. I am tired of the fighting and want to go to sleep. As I turn around, I hear him ask, “Did you know, about Ash and Gemma?”
“Everybody knew,” I say out of pure spite. Then leave him there.
What must have been hours later, I feel him slide into the bed. He smells like he’s showered. Maybe that sobered him up. I refuse to turn over and look at him, but I feel him turn towards me.
“You’re right, at least partially. I am scared. I thought I’d be with Gemma. I had a checklist of all these things I felt I needed to fulfill to be a real man. That’s how I was brought up by my father. I had to take responsibility and be strong. There was no room for cowardice in life. He wouldn’t hear of it.”
Noah never talks about his father. I figure this may be the opening I need to get more insight into his life and why he is the way he is. I remain quiet and let him talk, but sniffle and shift my position to let him know I am listening.
“I told you already what a cruel and abusive man he was to my mother and me. He is a highly respected and revered pastor for his church. I suspect that for years Tobias knew I was…different. I’m almost positive this was the source of a lot of my parent’s fights. He was unhappy with the way he ended up with a weak, embarrassment of a child. After all, how could the mighty Tobias Sinclair have sired such a disappointment.” He stops for a moment, and I think he’s about to shut down again. Somehow, he finds his strength and continues. I turn toward him to listen.
“When I was 12, I had one friend. His name was Jay, he was two years older than me, but we’d been friends since elementary school. Aside from my mother, he was the only one who ever gave a shit about me. I came home from school one day and saw my father attacking my mother. She was trying to leave him for another man. I’d heard their fights many times before. Once, he accused her of lying about me being his child. He wanted to hurt her in the worst way possible. So, he took her only child away from her and made her leave. He threatened to kill her and destroy her family if she ever came back for me. When I saw my mother drive off that day after he kicked her out, I was crushed. Jay followed me out into the woods and up into the treehouse we’d built together. He tried to comfort me, then, it turned into something else.
“It felt so good and so right. I’d never had that kind of attachment to another person before. That’s when everything started to make sense to me. I began to understand who I was.” His brow begins to furrow, and I see something change in his demeanor.
“I didn’t know Tobias had followed us out to the treehouse. He’d caught us before we had a chance to go any further.” His eyes drop toward the mattress, unable to finish. “He beat up Jay violently and took me out of there. I was sent off to live with my grandparents back in Virginia the next day. I never saw Jay again.”
I’m surprised to find out that Noah knew from such an early age that he was gay. He’d kept it hidden so long.
“If life was difficult before with Tobias, after we moved, it was impossible. What I didn’t tell you before was why he was abusing me. He had in his mind I was a corrupted vessel. No son of his was going to be damaged. I guess he thought he could beat the evil out of me. Once, he beat me so badly I was in a coma for a week. He has undue influence on a lot of people, so it went undocumented.”
I draw in a quick take of breath and I take his hands. “Noah, these are all criminal charges. He needs to be held accountable.” I move closer to him and hold his head in my hands.
“I didn’t want you to know how damaged I am and that he is the reason I have panic attacks and nightmares. With these things following me, it’s like he’s still here to punish me when he isn’t even around. It won’t go away. I can’t escape my own mind. He’s trapped me. I’m so messed up Josh. I don’t want to bring you into my hell. I thought maybe if I could get you to leave me instead, it would be easier, because I could never leave you.” His voice breaks.
“Noah baby, there’s nothing he can do to hurt us okay?” I see the disbelief in his eyes, and tears begin to well.
“You don’t know my father.” He sounds ominous.
“No, I don’t, but what I do know is that we can handle any threat he throws our way.”
“You don’t understand. He does not make idle threats.”
“I’m not going to live my life in fear of some homophobic asshole. You shouldn’t either. Have you sta
rted the search for a therapist yet? I think once you have a chance to sit and discuss what’s been on your mind openly all these years, this will help you to stand up to your father.” His eyes move downcast again. “Promise me.” He closes his eyes and nods in agreement. “And don’t you worry about me because I am ready to fight for us, at all cost.” I take him in my arms and hold him very tight to me. I rock him back and forth like a child and run my fingers through his dark wavy locks until I hear the steady rhythm of his breathing, signaling his sleep.
Sometime later, I awake. It’s still too dark outside to wake up, but the early stirrings of life outside have already begun. I turn my head and see Noah openly watching me. He is laying on his side, with his arm under his head. He must have been awake for quite some time. He has a blank expression, so I have no idea what is going on in his mind. Soon he’s taking deeper breaths. Before my very eyes, I see his pupils dilate to nearly the outer rims of his irises. His breathing becomes erratic. A flush appears over his skin. I am incapable of looking away.
The room feels like it’s spinning, and I’m falling deeper and deeper into those dark pools in his eyes. I want him. I want him in every way possible. What stood between us all this time has been removed, and it’s like the floodgates have opened. I feel my heartbeat begin racing and sweat break out on my brow. His smell is filling my senses, making me heady with need.
Noah sits up on one elbow and runs his long, thick fingers through my hair. Then smooths his hand down the back of my neck. He touches that place on the soft spot of my neck just beneath my hairline that always drives me wild. How does he know what a tender location that is on me? Before Noah, I never would have known. I feel my back arch into his touch, needing to be closer.
“I think I’m ready. Are you?” he asks, his voice low and dark. I’m unable to form words, so I nod my head. He places his forehead to mine, forming our connection, then moves his head swiftly down to take my lips. It’s loving and sweet, a world of difference from a few hours ago. He coaxes my mouth open with his and ever so gently moves his tongue between my lips. I stop only to push myself up on my hands and sit back on my legs, facing Noah. He licks his full lips, and I’m on him again.
Now that I have better leverage, I can grab the side of his neck and drag his mouth to mine. I ravage his mouth, exploring every nook and cranny. In my haste, I even clink our teeth together a few times in my attempt to get deeper. We break for air and to catch our breaths, then go right back at it. I sense my body raging, and I’m unable to turn it off. I can’t get close enough to him.
I push Noah back on the bed and quickly remove his loose boxers, discarding them over my shoulder. I lean over him close and rub my cheek over his, loving the feel of his stubble burn. I pin him down and tease his nipples with my mouth. I feel them instantly rise and react to my touch. I bite and nibble, making him moan softly. I kiss down his tight belly and sculpt my hands around his abs and his perfectly shaped “V.” I have a moment of silence for all those women who will never get to experience the defining beauty that is Noah’s body. Then I laugh a little to myself knowing he’s all mine.
Noah works hard to maintain his appearance, and manscaping is part of the package. He is not hairy, but he does keep himself neat and trimmed. I look down at the package that awaits me and relish how good he looks to me. Having been with women my whole life, the thought of another man’s cock didn’t rate as high on my list of sexual needs. But with Noah that all changed. I’d never thought of a dick as a thing of beauty before, but his thick, solid tool is amazing to observe. He is cut with a thick vein that runs down the underside. I see it pulsing now under the strain of our playing.
I move down to take one of his heavy balls into my mouth and suck it down. I rotate it through my mouth gently. He begins to squirm. I try to remember all the tips I got from Archer to make things go smoothly our first time. I want to make him go crazy with just the touch of my hands, lips and tongue. I suck his other ball into my mouth, recalling breathing through my nose. He loves it as I jiggle the mounds around my tongue.
“Jesus, Josh.” He brings out his low, lazy drawl. Okay, he’s feeling it so good his accent is coming out. I must be doing it right. I release his balls from my mouth, not wanting him to get too comfortable. I want to tease and entice, so Archer said. So next, I sharpen my tongue and use a move on him that he used on me, which was to run my tongue up the full length of his taint. He bucks off of the bed trying to sit up. I push him back down with my arm. I’m not done yet. I use my other hand to rub up and down the length of his shaft. Holding loosely to make sure the skin glides smoothly over his entire member. He’s very thick, so getting my whole mouth around his junk is not the easiest of tasks. I go slow and take him down in small movements, careful not to jerk too hard and choke.
I massage the tip with my lips, simultaneously sucking and pushing my tongue around him. I hum softly, making mild vibrations that rouse him further. He begins to leak pre-cum into my mouth. His taste is clean, so I don’t mind it. Then I move my hand to the base of his dick and begin pumping gently. I can hear moans and sharp outtakes of breath emitting from Noah. I feel his balls tightening, and he begs me to stop. I don’t want to, but he sits up and removes himself from my mouth.
Breathless, he pants, “Not yet babe, I want this to last.” Then he takes both of his hands and threads his fingers through mine. He kisses me thoroughly then uses our threaded hands to push me back slowly into the mattress. He hovers over me, looking like some kind of Olympian god. His muscles are pulsing and twitching in anticipation of what is to come next. I can’t help it. I need to touch him. I release his hands and reach up, running my hands all over his muscled body, all the way to his hips. I stop running my hands to have them park on his lower abdomen. I’m always fascinated by the light trail of hair leading to his pubic region. It’s soft to the touch.
Noah lets me take my time touching his body. Then he backs up a little on the bed and hooks his fingers into my briefs and pulls them off. I lift my hips slightly to give him ample room. He crawls back in place and puts his arms next to my head, smoothing my hair gently.
“Babe.” Oh god, how I love it when he calls me babe. He leans directly over me with his face a mere inch away from mine, then he whispers in my ear, “Do you want me inside you?”
Panting, I say, “Yes.” His face goes slack with the reassurance from me that I am ready. It is replaced with a subtle smile. He pushes himself off of the mattress and rolls over to the bedside table. I see him take out a few condoms and a bottle of lube. My bravado from a few seconds ago takes a hit when I see the bottle. I know the first few times will be a little painful, but I love him enough to endure. He lays the condoms beside the pillow out of my view. I’m grateful because it will get my mind off what’s coming. I know what to expect and have to get my body to relax.
First Noah kisses me deep and wet, then peppers a slew of pecks and bites down my jawline and into the curve of my neck. He sits back on his legs between my thighs and massages the outside and inside of my thighs loosening me up. I feel so open and vulnerable. “Close your eyes.” I follow his instructions and let him take the lead. I hear a small pop and realize it is the top of the lube bottle. “Open your legs just a little wider.” Noah guides me softly. I’m nervous and feel myself starting to clench in anticipation.
With my eyes still closed, what I feel next is a shock to my system. It is Noah’s lubricated finger gently making circles around my hole. I try not to imagine the sight I must make from his view. He begins rubbing harder, and I feel my dick begin to twitch. He’s used a warming lubricant, so it feels comfortable. After about a minute, he changes the direction of his swirling finger, then dips his finger into me very slightly, only up to the first knuckle. It feels very foreign and strange, but not altogether unpleasant. He continues circling, occasionally dipping in his finger. The next round he sinks in deeper, this one, burns, and I hiss out a quick breath. “If you need me to slow down or stop, please le
t me know, okay.” I nod my head.
Noah takes on multitasking and with one hand massages my hole while the other grabs ahold of my cock. The dual sensation is equal parts pain and pleasure as Noah adds a second finger to the mix. This is where the shit gets real because I’m stretching and burning. The second finger is very soon followed by a third, as he suckles the tip of my dick. I know it is a form of distraction from the pain. I wince and squeeze my eyes shut. Once he breaks through the ring, he scissors his fingers inside to prep me. The worst is over, and though there is still a dull ache, the pinching feeling is dissolving.
Leisurely, Noah pumps his fingers in and out of me. Once he develops a pace, it begins to feel really good. So good, in fact, that my cock begins to get hard again. One of his fingers grazes my prostate very slightly and holy fuck I buck up a few inches off of the bed. I have never felt any sensation quite like that. It was amazing. My eyes pop open, and I see Noah watching my expression like a hawk, gauging my comfort levels. He goes for a second round, barely grazing my prostate again and I throw my head back like I’ve discovered the best high in the world. I feel my balls tighten almost ready to explode when I hear him say, “Hold on, babe, not yet.” I struggle to keep from blowing my load, but manage to maintain.
Then I feel him pull his fingers from my body, leaving me a hot mess, sweaty and panting and wanting more. This is how he wants me because he shifts on the bed, reaching over to grab a pillow. He instructs me to lift a little, and he places it beneath me for support. I’m touched by how thoughtful a lover he can be. He takes one of the condoms on the bed and rips it open with his teeth, then grabs the bottle of lube again. He drizzles a generous amount over my hole. Noah then places the condom on himself and applies the lube there as well.
