by B. Love
“Why do you still have this? I haven’t spent the night with you in over six months.”
“Didn’t feel the need to throw it away.”
Our eyes locked for a few seconds before I confessed, “I’m glad you didn’t.”
“Me too.”
Breaking eye contact, Jace told me that he had a few items of my clothing in the guest bedroom. Nothing fancy, just the things I’d randomly leave around when I used to stay overnight. I began to feel more and more peace consume me. Not just because he was so prepared for this but because he was so prepared for me.
After looking at my clothing selection, I went into the guest bathroom to shower and take care of my hygiene.
Looking myself over in the mirror, all I could do was shake my head at my reflection. This was so not how I planned for things to go when I pulled up last night. Not wanting to overthink it, I began my routine so I could go and fix him something to eat. But by the time I’d made it to the kitchen, he’d already started on his breakfast and a smoothie for me.
“You think you know me so well,” I grumbled, standing next to him at the stove.
“Why? Because I know you alternate between fresh fruit juice and smoothies for breakfast and salad for lunch because you eat unhealthy as hell for dinner and late night snacks?” I smiled and took a sip of the smoothie. “Or because I know you’re trying to think of every possible reason for us to be trapped together for at least two weeks other than the fact that this is fate’s way of giving us a chance to get back together.”
Sitting the smoothie down, I backed away from him.
“We’re not getting back together, Jace.”
“Yea. Aight.”
His inability to take me seriously would infuriate me if this was what I had to look forward to for two weeks.
“How about I just self-quarantine in the guest bedroom and only come out when I absolutely have to, because I can see now that you’re going to irritate the fuck outta me.”
I tried to snatch the smoothie but before I could get it, he’d picked it up. “If you don’t want me, you don’t want my smoothie.”
My eyes squinted and nostrils flared as I clenched my jaw. “So what? You’re going to starve me if I don’t talk to you?”
His head shook as he smirked. “No, because I know that would only motivate your stubborn ass more not to talk to me. You’d rather die than let me have my way.”
I could only smile because he was so damn dramatic. Yes, I was stubborn… but I wasn’t that damn stubborn.
“Listen, I know neither of us planned for me to be in your space during a time like this, so I will keep my distance and stay out of your way just as long as you do the same.”
“You’re going to be bored as hell in that room if you don’t let me entertain you.”
Standing on the tips of my toes, I grabbed the smoothie from his hand as I told him, “I’ll take my chances.”
Jace waited until I was about to leave the kitchen to say, “We paused, Hoops. Took a break.” As I faced him, he added, “A brief intermission.” Leaning against the doorframe, I licked my lips and looked away. “If you want to deny fate, that’s cool. You can deny me and marry him. Let him be your first husband, but you know I will be your last.”
Shaking my head, I walked away, but that didn’t stop him from saying, “You were made for me and me for you. No matter what it takes, I’m going to prove that to you.”
Just my fucking luck. To fall in love with a writer knowing how important words and promises were to me as a woman. But it wouldn’t matter. Too much was at stake. Life may temporarily be on hold, but once this city shutdown was over, things would return to normal.
I would be back with Evan, our engagement would be back on, my boutique would still be in business, and he would get full custody of his kids. And I refused to let Jace say or do anything to ruin that.
3
The First 48
We were two days into the lockdown, and I was going crazy already. It probably wouldn’t have been as bad if I wasn’t avoiding Jace at all costs, but since I was, I only left the room to grab some food and go to the bathroom. I’d been spending my time alternating between watching tv, reading books on my Kindle app, and making some quick money by styling a few clients via FaceTime for when the lockdown was lifted. As long as I kept myself occupied I was straight, but if I let my mind settle on where I was and who I was with my nerves would start to get the best of me.
As I sat on the floor at the edge of the bed, I struggled with not going to bother Jace. Even though I was trying my hardest to make sure he understood that we couldn’t be together anymore, I still wanted to be in his presence. If I felt like I could really control myself around him for another twelve days without falling deeper for him or having sex with him I wouldn’t mind being around him no matter what he said or how he felt about me.
But… Jace had this… control over me.
Crazy thing was, he never fully exercised it, and I prayed he never did.
God knows what type of trouble I’d be in.
The sound of something scraping the door gained my attention. I looked back and chuckled at the sight of paper sliding underneath it. Then, the weight of Jace’s body pressed the door closed tighter, as if he’d sat on the floor.
“What is that?” I asked, crawling on the carpeted floor to the door.
“You said you weren’t talking to me, so I wrote you a letter.”
My bottom lip poked out and my eyes watered as I grabbed the letter and sat down, resting my back on the door as well. As I opened the letter, I inhaled a deep breath.
Hoops,
Our love was an easy love… but we were conditioned to expect it to be hard. Hard like our parents, hard like our siblings and friends… hard like life. But no matter how hard my life was, our love was the only sure thing I had… and I will always regret letting that go.
I had to pause already. What he’d said was true. Jace’s parents, though they were still married and loving each other, had a rough road to get there. His father didn’t really raise him; his mother did. His father spent the bulk of his time working long hours at his factory job. He’d dropped out of college his second year to work because his mother had gotten pregnant with his oldest sister.
Providing and paying bills was the main was his father, Robert, showed his love. On his off days, he was off fishing or spending time at bars and games with his friends. Because of that, his mother served her children and nurtured them fiercely. For quite some time, Jace expected my love to come in the form of serving him. He wanted me to take care of him, and even though I had no problem with that, I never wanted to feel like a second mother to him.
That was also why he took not making six or seven figures a year so hard. His father was a huge influence in his life… and he wanted to be like him. He wanted to be a provider. But Robert also inspired him to make sure he spent his days doing something he loved to do.
There was never a doubt in my mind that Jace really loved me, but he loved feeling like a man more. That’s why he broke up with me. Even though I understood that, my broken heart couldn’t allow me to accept that. I was, however, super grateful and proud that he had finally gotten to a place where he was doing what he loved and making a good living from it as well.
This was what he’d been working for… and he finally had it.
Things in my household were a little different.
My parents split all the bills and responsibilities fifty-fifty until my father became supervisor, then he blessed my mother with the ability to be a stay at home wife and mom. Only then did he pay all the bills while she took care of the household.
Because of that, and the fact that I believed in Jace and his dreams, I was cool with him not making much money. I was willing to stick it out as long as he had a plan and didn’t expect me to take care of him financially. That was honestly the only issue we had once we realized the roles we had in each other’s lives.
We would ha
ve these… deep ass conversations about life that allowed us to know, understand, and love each other better. Hell, we knew each other’s love languages before that was the in thing to learn about and do. I knew his love language was service and he knew that mine was words of affirmation. In the beginning that was a problem because we loved each other how we wanted to be loved.
So he would serve me without saying those words and I would be saying the words without showing and serving him. But once we figured it out, that wasn’t a problem either.
The only problem was that there were no problems… other than his finances. People would always tell us that our relationship was too perfect. That it was too good to be true. That it wouldn’t last. That we hadn’t been together long enough and been through enough to feel the way we felt and be as committed as we were.
I think that had a lot to do with him breaking up with me, too. In the back of our minds, we were waiting for things to be over like everyone said it would be. And when it was… it was kind of a relief. Not in the sense of me feeling relieved to no longer have him, because that sucked, but relief in the sense of… now everyone can leave me the fuck alone about it. Misery loves company, and our relationship definitely proved that.
I remember the first day we met. How I could barely play for watching you. The moment you stepped on the court with your pretty smile and bright eyes I knew my heart was in trouble. Even in the heat of a summer’s day with sweat dripping down your face your body possessed the sweetest scent. I let y’all win just to get on your good side, though, but that’s a story for another day.
I remember taking you to lunch after the game and sitting in that booth for hours getting to know you. Checking folks that walked by and laughing. Not wanting you away from me but knowing life didn’t revolve around our budding love. It didn’t matter if we’d taken a trip to Bloomsville… the love we agreed upon nurturing had to be paused until we could meet again.
I remember telling my brother and sister about you and having them clown me over being sprung so soon. That was the only time in my life that I didn’t give a fuck about that shit either. I used to take pride in being the one in control… but when it came to you… I gladly gave up that need. For you, I was willing to say, do, and be whatever you needed me to be. Just as long as it meant you continued to give access to you to me.
I remember the first time I took you on a date. It was three days after we met. I was trying to wait until I got paid again, but we were so anxious to see each other, and I couldn’t deny you. Since I valued you too much to be on some come over to kick it type shit, I gave you this bullshit ass excuse about eating at my parent’s house before I came to get you just to make sure you could eat good. Man. I was hungry as hell, and you made that food look good as fuck, but I wanted to make sure I had enough money to feed you and take you to see that new Kevin Hart movie that had just came out.
After that, we didn’t want to part ways, so we went to the lounge where I spent the last twenty dollars I had on a few shots for us before giving you a random excuse as to why I had to leave, when truthfully, I just didn’t want us to add any more drinks to the tab.
I don’t think you’ll ever be able to understand the damaging effect that night had on me. It made me feel like God was playing with me. To bless me with the perfect woman for me knowing I wasn’t prepared to receive. Truthfully, I should have remained just your friend until I was in a better place financially, but I wanted you and I wanted to prove that we could work to those that doubted us, so I allowed us to move faster than we should have.
But I knew that you would be worth it the first time we made love. Not because your pussy was so good… even though it was… but because I felt, for the first time in my life, like I was whole. That I lacked nothing. That’s the feeling being one with you has always given me.
I remember the day we broke up. And sobbing. Feeling like my life wasn’t worth shit. No matter what I was going through, you never took it personally and always tried to be there for me. Whether you believe it or not, that was my motivation to turn my dream into my reality. I even asked God to save you for me. Every night for six months straight I prayed that He would save space in your heart for me.
With that dream though, I ended up having to invest a lot of time. Time that kept me away from you. When I finally had financial freedom, I really couldn’t enjoy it immediately because of all the work required to maintain it. Because of that, I had to watch you meet, date, and eventually get engaged to another man. Not once was I ever angry with God or you.
But I will tell you this…
I’m done begging and asking.
I’m coming for what’s mine.
No matter what it takes.
We can do this the easy way or your stubborn way, but either way, you will be mine.
Get your shit together soon though because I’m trying to start making up for lost time.
With a smile, I rested my head against the door and put the letter next to me. I remember our first date exactly. Of course in that moment I didn’t know just how bad Jace was struggling financially. In fact, I didn’t find out until about three months into our relationship, and even then, it was only because I overheard him talking to a bill collector.
How I wished in that moment that he would have allowed me to wait for him. While I understood how important it was for him that he gave me my freedom… I can only imagine how differently our lives would be if I would have stayed. And maybe God wanted things to be this way. Maybe me leaving was the push he needed to do whatever was necessary to make something happen with his books. I know for sure our breakup led to me getting more serious about opening our boutique.
I couldn’t chance overthinking and wondering what if. While this stroll down memory lane was nice, I couldn’t afford to think about it too much. Because then I would feel. Then I would act. Then I would surrender. And I couldn’t do that to Evan.
“How do I write you back?”
“Here.”
Turning and sitting on my knees, I opened the door. Unable to resist, I smiled the moment my eyes landed on Jace. I hadn’t seen him in literally two days. He’d been respecting my wishes and keeping his distance until now… and I was honestly glad he’d bucked the system. There was nothing more pleasing to the eye than Jace Kingsley – that… I would never deny.
“Thank you.”
With a nod, he stood. “Just, slide it under the door when you get done. I’m tired of sitting on this hard ass floor.”
With a chuckle I agreed and closed the door behind me, then walked over to the small writing desk in the corner to start penning my reply. As much as I hated to admit it, communicating with him in this manner had excitement pulsing through my veins. Trying my hardest to reel that excitement in, I inhaled a deep breath as I pressed the top of the pen.
King,
It’s crazy how we were both going through things during our first date that we didn’t tell each other about. With how smooth and cool you were, I never would have thought you were struggling or nervous about if you would have had enough money to cover our date. I even offered to split the bills and you declined! As I got to know you, I realized that was because you felt like as the man you always had to pay for everything, but I want you to know then and now that I had and have no problem being a true partner with you.
I knew you wanted to wait to go on our date, but I was so anxious to see you because I needed an escape. My father and I had gotten into this huge argument because I’d been spending so much time texting and talking to you. He asked to meet you and I told him no. I didn’t want anyone to meet you until I was sure there was something between us, especially since you’d already met my brothers on the court.
He basically felt some type of way because of how happy talking to you had made me, and he swore you had to be playing me and running game. For whatever reason, he didn’t believe what we had could be genuine. So I wanted to be in your presence to see if he was right or if there truly was somethi
ng between us. When we parted ways, I was sure of what was building between us… and now that I know what you did to make sure we had a good first date I feel like calling him and rubbing it in his face that you’ve always been a good man.
You were a good man for me, too.
I hate what we allowed the thoughts, situations, and opinions of others to do to us.
But there’s one thing that we can’t blame on anyone else, and that’s the fact that you broke up with me. Yes, I understand why, but that didn’t make it hurt any less. Even with that hurt, some good came out of it. You had the motivation you needed to become the man you are today, and I was able to focus on my business with Ava. So you know what? I’m not even angry about us breaking up anymore because of all the good that came from it.
Even my relationship with Evan.
No, I can’t lie and say I love him more than I love you, but I can say that for this phase of my life, Evan was better for me than you. Not because of his money but because I could trust him to love me without allowing anything to make him stop. Evan is fully aware of his flaws and weaknesses… but they have never been reason enough to make him leave me. Because we’ve learned to accept each other unconditionally with healthy boundaries. Hell… I can’t even begin to tell you how many times in the beginning of our relationship that I cried to him about you.
I TOOK ON YOUR STRUGGLES, MADE THEM MINE, AND GAVE THEM TO HIM TO CARRY.
Do you understand how big of a weight I gave that man? I mourned you, Jace, and Evan was there every fucking step of the way. So yea, I feel like I owe him this. Me. The peace of mind of knowing that he never has to worry about me and you ever again.
