by B. Love
Because he did something for me that I can’t say I trust you to do… he never asked for his love back.
I love you sooooooooo much.
I paused as my tears began to hit the paper. Sitting back in my seat, I inhaled a deep breath, not starting again until after I’d wiped my face.
I love you so, so much. But I simply cannot trust you with my heart anymore. We both love hard equally. No. I take that back. I think you love even harder than me. There’s so much love inside of me to give, and I want to give it to my man freely, but he has to be able to give me his love in return. Jace I just can’t take the chance of that not happening with you again.
I’m sorry.
Standing, I looked the letter over before leaving the guest room and sliding it under his door. I’m sure that wasn’t what he wanted to hear, because Lord knows it wasn’t what I wanted to say, but I had to stand firm in my truth.
4
The Breakfast
After I gave Jace my letter last night we didn’t write each other again or say anything to each other vocally. I cooked dinner and texted him when it was ready, and he waited until I was back in the guest room to get his plate after texting back thanks. It was odd – when I first wrote the letter, I felt relief and peace. When I gave him the letter, I felt empowered. But now… I felt like shit.
Not so much because something I said could have hurt him or made him angry. I mean, it wasn’t my responsibility to make him feel good about the choice he made or my concern how he accepted my reaction to his decision. But in my own heart and soul I felt like I’d fucked up. Like somehow… maybe he was right about us.
Maybe we had simply taken a break.
A pause.
A brief intermission.
And this was fate’s way of getting us back together.
How else could I explain being trapped with him of all people for two weeks?
On top of that, I tossed and turned all night regretting my decision to release him from my heart. Evan was on his bullshit. He pretty much ignored me throughout the day because he swore something was going to happen between me and Jace. Guess I couldn’t really blame him at this point.
A part of me wanted to just call things off with him altogether, whether I saw what could be between me and Jace or not. Because the truth of the matter was, I didn’t want a love that wasn’t already deeply rooted within me for my husband on the day of our wedding. I didn’t want to spend my marriage trying to grow in love with my husband; I wanted to spend my marriage learning to love him in different ways and experiencing all the ups and downs of life with him as my partner.
If life and marriage were uncertain, love for him and his love for me were the two things I never wanted to question.
But losing Jace made me feel as if I had to be okay with not fully loving my husband because of how much I loved him. I felt like… that love was a once in a lifetime thing that could never be topped. So if this was my opportunity to have it again… would I be foolish to let it slip away? I mean, it wasn’t like he’d lied to me or cheated on me. Maybe I should have honored the fact that he broken up with me to try and become better for himself and eventually me.
Had I been selfish to want him to be with me knowing he wasn’t pleased with himself? Would he have even been able to trust that I was satisfied with him? Would he have been fully satisfied with me?
Was I rushing this thing with Evan?
Yes, we were in business together… but that didn’t mean we had to get married.
And even though I wanted to help him get full custody of his children, that wasn’t my responsibility either.
I couldn’t hold his manhood to a lesser standard than I did Jace’s just because it benefited me professionally.
Unsure of what the hell I was going to do, I grabbed my bathroom caddy and headed out to freshen up and start what I knew would be a dry ass day. I had no one to blame for it but myself either. Me and Jace could have been having the time of our lives together if I wasn’t with the shit.
I remember about a year into our relationship there was a super bad storm that knocked all power out for about seven days. I ended up staying at his place and we spent the whole time eating fresh fruit and vegetables until they ran out, then we started barbecuing. There was never a dull moment. If we weren’t playing cards or games we were talking and joking or making love. In all honestly, I was sad when the lights came on and I had to go back home.
Lord.
Thinking about shit like that would only make me feel worse.
Cutting on K. Michelle’s latest album on iTunes, I tried to force myself to think about anything other than Jace Kingsley. I cut the shower on and let the water heat up before stepping inside and taking care of my business. Since I used my moisturizing bar in the shower, I wouldn’t have to apply any other oil or butter when my skin was dry, so I kept the towel wrapped around me as I brushed my teeth and washed my face.
When I was done, I opened the door, and the sight of Jace standing behind it with his fist lifted startled me so much I jumped and dropped my towel. As I lowered myself to pick it up, Jace’s hand dropped as he took a step back.
“I’m sorry, Hoops. I was coming to ask you if you wanted something heavier for breakfast since you got up late.”
I smiled as I wrapped the towel back around me. Tossing and turning had me coming out of the room three hours later than I normally did.
“It’s cool. It’s not like you haven’t seen my body before.” I expected him to smirk or say some smart shit… to even look my body over… but he held my gaze and his eyes never wandered. “Ummm… a real breakfast would be nice. I’ll fix it.”
With a nod, Jace turned to walk away. “Cool. Just text me and let me know when it’s done.”
“If you… want to… you could join me.”
Jace stopped and tilted his head, not turning to face me. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
“Why not?”
“Because with you in my space, all I can think about is taking every chance I have to make love to you – especially if I won’t see you again when you leave.”
My chin lowered almost to my chest as I blushed. “Have breakfast with me. Please?”
“You know what you doing, right?”
I nodded, then said, “Yes,” when I realized he still wasn’t going to turn around to face me.
“Aight, Sasha. Tell your heart I said welcome home.”
Biting back a moan, I resisted the urge to say okay. Even though I couldn’t outright invite him to initiate something between us without feeling like a crazy woman on an emotional roller coaster, I definitely had no problem dropping a few hints and surrendering to whatever he had in mind.
I’d fixed us steak, eggs, and fruit salad for breakfast. While I had a homemade mimosa Jace chose spiked coffee. He was being on his best behavior, I suppose. Not many words came from his mouth, but his eyes were having a field day with me. And even though I was glad that he was at least looking at me, I still wanted him to feel comfortable enough to talk to me. But I couldn’t force or press him… this was my doing.
Jace had always been a man of words. For him to be silent, he’d really taken what I said to heart.
Feeling even more like shit, I lowered my head and stabbed the last strawberry in my bowl.
“Ah.” At the sound of his voice, I lifted my head and listened. “Breakfast was great, Sasha. I’ll take care of dinner. And I think it’s like three of those mason jar salads you made for lunch left.”
He stood and emptied his plate. I watched, constantly opening and closing my mouth to speak. Nothing came out. Not until he was about to leave.
“I don’t want you to let me go,” I confessed, surprising both of us.
Jace turned in my direction, face blank and unreadable.
His voice had dropped in volume when he asked, “Huh?”
Smiling softly, I stood and leaned against the table. “I thought ending things with you would make me feel bet
ter, but it only made me feel worse.” He took two steps in my direction. “Last night was supposed to be the start of my new life with Evan, but all I could think about was not having you.” And another. “Yes, it felt good to finally tell the truth about how you leaving affected me and how I in turn punished Evan for it, but once I released it, I felt empty.”
Two more. “Like there was something else that was supposed to be where that pain and resentment had been.” Three more. And now, we were merely a foot apart. “Something is missing inside of me now… and I’m convinced only you can fill it.” Looking towards the ceiling, I willed my tears not to fall. “Because I felt more whole and complete holding on to that pain than I do without it. Without you.” Chuckling, I quickly brushed the two tears that slid down my cheeks away. “Truthfully, I don’t want Evan’s love there. Not in those spaces.”
My head shook adamantly. “No matter how you choose to fill them… they belong to you.” He closed the space between us and tilted my head by my chin. “So if we give us a second chance after this and you hurt me, I will just have to live with the fact that I chose to trust you and allowed you to make a fool out of me. But I—I have to at least… try.”
Jace let out a long, audible breath as his hands cupped my cheeks. My composure was under attack. I didn’t know if I needed to have an even stronger guard up now. Had I confessed my feelings for nothing? Had he spent the night purging himself of me? Was I too late?
“If you think that I’m capable of hurting you again, I haven’t proven that I’m worthy of you.” His closeness was like a drug, lulling me into euphoria. God. Had it been this damn long? Jace’s hands lowered to my neck, squeezing gently as he sighed and shook his head. “What am I going to do with you?”
My eyebrows wrinkled and mouth parted slightly as he pressed his body into mine. “Whatever you want to do,” I granted through a low moan.
Jace inched down to my face. The tip of his tongue licked the center of my mouth before he sucked my bottom lip into his. His kiss was slow, thoughtful. Gentle. When he pulled away, I couldn’t resist licking my lips to savor the taste of him.
“I think we should finish out the week apart. Continue with the letters. See how you feel then. I know how important words are to you, so I will use them to my advantage, but I also want you to know that you can trust me with every other part of you too. Is that cool?”
I nodded, not sure if there was really anything else I could do other than agree at this point.
“Yea, that’s cool. When can I expect my next letter?”
He smiled as he released me and muttered, “With dinner.”
5
The Reconnection
Sasha,
Do you know what your name means? It means defender, helper of mankind. I can’t help but feel like God gave your mother that name for you because it describes exactly who you are. Even without trying, you defend, help, and protect. Me, Evan, Ava, and anyone else who crosses your path.
Sometimes you do those things even if it goes against what you need in that moment. I pray, with me, you will allow me to finally be your defender, helper, and protector.
I want us to talk about our roles in each other’s lives now and in the future. And I want you to answer a few questions for me. I’ll answer them for you first, here. There are some things about you that haven’t changed, but there are a few that have. I want to see if we’re still compatible in the ways that matter most.
We already know everything there is to know about each other in all ways that I thought were possible… but this shutdown has given me even more inspiration to get to know you deeper.
As your boyfriend:
I will fiercely court you and show you not only what you’re worth but that I deserve you. I will make you feel safe and 100% secure in my love. I will position you to enjoy every day of your life – even when things aren’t going the way you want them to go… I’ll be there for you and to remind you of what’s truly important.
As your fiancé:
I will start the process of lightening your load to ensure our transition is smooth. You can still maintain as much of your responsibilities and independence as you’d like, but I will be available to step in with whatever you may need.
As your husband:
I will be your leader in all areas of life. I’ll help you draw closer to God. I will provide and protect. Provision will go beyond finances, but you won’t have to worry about that. I will also provide love, romance, a listening ear and shoulder whenever you need it, cultivation, appreciation, space and freedom, my closeness, and whatever else the fuck you need. And I won’t just protect your body physically, though you know I can do that with no hesitation. I will also protect your mind and keep you from stress as much as I can, your heart by making sure you know you’re the only woman I want and need, your emotions by always being honest and open with my communication, spirit by not allowing you to put me before God, and soul by being your sole mate – your partner to walk through life with.
What I need/want/expect from you:
I would rather talk to you about this after I know what you have to offer. There’s no point in me expecting anything you aren’t capable or willing to give. That’s how people end up disappointed in relationships and resenting their partners.
Questions:
When was the last time you felt loved?
When I read your last letter.
What’s your definition of cheating?
Giving what belongs to you within me to someone else.
What problems do you expect to arise within our marriage?
It’s too early for me to say. I would need to see how we vibe as a couple again first. Whatever we face, we have to be on the same team. We have to be partners against the problem and remember what’s at stake.
When is it acceptable to keep a secret?
When that secret won’t hurt you or cause conflict.
How do you communicate?
Openly, honestly, directly. You like to say I’m outspoken and frank, but I’m more so about always telling the truth.
How do you express your anger?
Through clear communication the exact moment I’m angry. I don’t let that shit fester to cause dis-ease.
Have you learned anything about me or yourself this week?
I’ve learned that you are quick to take on the weight of others, but as I said at the beginning of this letter, I want to take every load you have off of you. For myself, I’ve learned that what you said was true… us breaking up was for the best. It gave me ammunition to do whatever it took to make my dream my reality. I’m finally at a point where I’m doing what I love and making damn good money from it, and this is literally only the beginning. There’s no doubt in my mind that there is no one other than you that I’d want to share the rest of my dreams, my reality, or my life with.
What can you do to make me confident about us and our future?
Just give me an opening, Hoops. Give me the space to show you what we can be. That’s all I need is your assurance of your faith in me.
How can you show me your love?
Back in the day, acts of service was my love language. I think that was mostly because of the fact that my mother pretty much served me while she raised me, so I felt loved through that. Now, my love language is quality time. To feel your love, all I need is you.
When do I feel closest to you?
When I’m inside of you. Literally one with you. Knowing you in the most intimate of ways.
What is your favorite part about us?
This – our reconnection.
6
The Last 24
As big as Jace was, you wouldn’t expect him to be so light on his feet. He used to use that to his advantage and scare me as much as he could. I couldn’t stand when he did that! He was so good at it too! But the funny thing was, right after he’d scare me, he’d pull me into his arms and comfort me as he laughed. When he could. Because there were times when he’d catc
h me so off guard that I would punch the shit out of his ass.
Though I didn’t hear when he first came into the kitchen, I felt him by the time he was a foot away from me at the sink. With a smile, I tried to turn and greet him, but he kept me pinned to the sink with his chest.
“Good morning,” I managed to get out through my chuckle.
“Good morning,” he replied, kneeling and pushing my panties to the side. “What you keep putting this shit on for? Leave this shit off.” His voice was truly annoyed, and it tickled me, but my chuckle turned into a moan the moment he latched on to my clit.
Guess this means he found my letter when he woke up. In it, I told him about the dream I’d had of him. Of us. How passionately we’d made love. But that dream had nothing on the real thing. My pussy instantly began to leak as his tongue slid up and down my opening. Once my folds became slippery, he stood and entered me from behind.
I managed to return his medium paced strokes fairly well. As I used my right hand for support on the sink, the left one spread my ass cheeks. Looking back at him, I moaned quietly at the sight of him – lowered eyes, biting down on his bottom lip. His hair was all over the place and I loved that shit.
When it started to feel too good, I released my ass and tried to close my legs. Making my walls close in more would have made him cum sooner. But he knew exactly what I was doing.
“Keep them legs open,” he commanded with a smack to my ass.
As I opened my eyes, his hand wrapped around the front of my neck. Back arched even more, my eyes rolled into the back of my head as he increased his speed. My body began to convulse as I came, and he showed me no mercy. He continued to stroke me into oblivion until I pushed him away and turned to drop to my knees.
I took him into my mouth and alternated between licking, kissing and slurping. Taking as much of him as I could down my throat, I massaged his balls and watched him surrender a little more of his soul to me. Needing a break to breathe, I patted his thigh gently, and he wasted no time pulling out. Once he did, I stroked his dick while sucking his balls.
