1601: Conversation as it was by the Social Fireside in the Time of the Tudors
Page 5
YESTERNIGHT toke her maiste ye queene a fantasie such as she sometimeshath, and had to her closet certain that doe write playes, bokes, andsuch like, these being my lord Bacon, his worship Sir Walter Ralegh,Mr. Ben Jonson, and ye child Francis Beaumonte, which being but sixteen,hath yet turned his hand to ye doing of ye Lattin masters into ourEnglishe tong, with grete discretion and much applaus. Also came withthese ye famous Shaxpur. A righte straunge mixing truly of mighty blodewith mean, ye more in especial since ye queenes grace was present, aslikewise these following, to wit: Ye Duchess of Bilgewater, twenty-sixyeres of age; ye Countesse of Granby, thirty; her doter, ye LadyHelen, fifteen; as also these two maides of honor, to-wit, ye LadyMargery Boothy, sixty-five, and ye Lady Alice Dilberry, turned seventy,she being two yeres ye queenes graces elder.
I being her maites cup-bearer, had no choice but to remaine and beholderank forgot, and ye high holde converse wh ye low as uppon equal termes,a grete scandal did ye world heare thereof.
In ye heat of ye talk it befel yt one did breake wind, yielding anexceding mightie and distresfull stink, whereat all did laugh full sore,and then--
Ye Queene.--Verily in mine eight and sixty yeres have I not heard thefellow to this fart. Meseemeth, by ye grete sound and clamour of it,it was male; yet ye belly it did lurk behinde shoulde now fall lean andflat against ye spine of him yt hath bene delivered of so stately andso waste a bulk, where as ye guts of them yt doe quiff-splittersbear, stand comely still and rounde. Prithee let ye author confess yeoffspring. Will my Lady Alice testify?
Lady Alice.--Good your grace, an' I had room for such a thunderbustwithin mine ancient bowels, 'tis not in reason I coulde discharge yesame and live to thank God for yt He did choose handmaid so humblewhereby to shew his power. Nay, 'tis not I yt have broughte forththis rich o'ermastering fog, this fragrant gloom, so pray you seeke yefurther.
Ye Queene.--Mayhap ye Lady Margery hath done ye companie this favor?
Lady Margery.--So please you madam, my limbs are feeble wh ye weighteand drouth of five and sixty winters, and it behoveth yt I be tenderunto them. In ye good providence of God, an' I had contained thiswonder, forsoothe wolde I have gi'en 'ye whole evening of my sinkinglife to ye dribbling of it forth, with trembling and uneasy soul, notlaunched it sudden in its matchless might, taking mine own life withviolence, rending my weak frame like rotten rags. It was not I, yourmaisty.
Ye Queene.--O' God's name, who hath favored us? Hath it come to pass yta fart shall fart itself? Not such a one as this, I trow. Young MasterBeaumont--but no; 'twould have wafted him to heaven like down of goose'sboddy. 'Twas not ye little Lady Helen--nay, ne'er blush, my child;thoul't tickle thy tender maidenhedde with many a mousie-squeak beforethou learnest to blow a harricane like this. Wasn't you, my learned andingenious Jonson?
Jonson.--So fell a blast hath ne'er mine ears saluted, nor yet a stenchso all-pervading and immortal. 'Twas not a novice did it, goodyour maisty, but one of veteran experience--else hadde he failed ofconfidence. In sooth it was not I.
Ye Queene.--My lord Bacon?
Lord Bacon.-Not from my leane entrailes hath this prodigy burstforth, so please your grace. Naught doth so befit ye grete as greteperformance; and haply shall ye finde yt 'tis not from mediocrity thismiracle hath issued.
[Tho' ye subjct be but a fart, yet will this tedious sink of learningpondrously phillosophize. Meantime did the foul and deadly stink pervadeall places to that degree, yt never smelt I ye like, yet dare I not toleave ye presence, albeit I was like to suffocate.]
Ye Queene.--What saith ye worshipful Master Shaxpur?
Shaxpur.--In the great hand of God I stand and so proclaim mineinnocence. Though ye sinless hosts of heaven had foretold ye coming ofthis most desolating breath, proclaiming it a work of uninspiredman, its quaking thunders, its firmament-clogging rottenness his ownachievement in due course of nature, yet had not I believed it; buthad said the pit itself hath furnished forth the stink, and heaven'sartillery hath shook the globe in admiration of it.
[Then was there a silence, and each did turn him toward the worshipfulSr Walter Ralegh, that browned, embattled, bloody swashbuckler, whorising up did smile, and simpering say,]
Sr W.--Most gracious maisty, 'twas I that did it, but indeed it was sopoor and frail a note, compared with such as I am wont to furnish, yt insooth I was ashamed to call the weakling mine in so august a presence.It was nothing--less than nothing, madam--I did it but to clear mynether throat; but had I come prepared, then had I delivered somethingworthy. Bear with me, please your grace, till I can make amends.
[Then delivered he himself of such a godless and rock-shivering blastthat all were fain to stop their ears, and following it did come sodense and foul a stink that that which went before did seem a poor andtrifling thing beside it. Then saith he, feigning that he blushed andwas confused, I perceive that I am weak to-day, and cannot justice dounto my powers; and sat him down as who should say, There, it is notmuch yet he that hath an arse to spare, let him fellow that, an' hethink he can. By God, an' I were ye queene, I would e'en tip thisswaggering braggart out o' the court, and let him air his grandeursand break his intolerable wind before ye deaf and such as suffocationpleaseth.]
Then fell they to talk about ye manners and customs of many peoples, andMaster Shaxpur spake of ye boke of ye sieur Michael de Montaine,wherein was mention of ye custom of widows of Perigord to wear upponye headdress, in sign of widowhood, a jewel in ye similitude of a man'smember wilted and limber, whereat ye queene did laugh and say widowsin England doe wear prickes too, but betwixt the thighs, and not wiltedneither, till coition hath done that office for them. Master Shaxpurdid likewise observe how yt ye sieur de Montaine hath also spoken of acertain emperor of such mighty prowess that he did take ten maidenheddesin ye compass of a single night, ye while his empress did entertain twoand twenty lusty knights between her sheetes, yet was not satisfied;whereat ye merrie Countess Granby saith a ram is yet ye emperor'ssuperior, sith he wil tup above a hundred yewes 'twixt sun and sun; andafter, if he can have none more to shag, will masturbate until he hathenrich'd whole acres with his seed.
Then spake ye damned windmill, Sr Walter, of a people in ye uttermostparts of America, yt capulate not until they be five and thirty yeres ofage, ye women being eight and twenty, and do it then but once in sevenyeres.
Ye Queene.--How doth that like my little Lady Helen? Shall we send theethither and preserve thy belly?
Lady Helen.--Please your highnesses grace, mine old nurse hath told methere are more ways of serving God than by locking the thighs together;yet am I willing to serve him yt way too, sith your highnesses gracehath set ye ensample.
Ye Queene.--God' wowndes a good answer, childe.
Lady Alice.--Mayhap 'twill weaken when ye hair sprouts below ye navel.
Lady Helen.--Nay, it sprouted two yeres syne; I can scarce more thancover it with my hand now.
Ye Queene.--Hear Ye that, my little Beaumonte? Have ye not a littlebirde about ye that stirs at hearing tell of so sweete a neste?
Beaumonte.--'Tis not insensible, illustrious madam; but mousing owls andbats of low degree may not aspire to bliss so whelming and ecstatic asis found in ye downy nests of birdes of Paradise.
Ye Queene.--By ye gullet of God, 'tis a neat-turned compliment. Withsuch a tongue as thine, lad, thou'lt spread the ivory thighs of manya willing maide in thy good time, an' thy cod-piece be as handy as thyspeeche.
Then spake ye queene of how she met old Rabelais when she was turned offifteen, and he did tell her of a man his father knew that had a doublepair of bollocks, whereon a controversy followed as concerning themost just way to spell the word, ye contention running high betwixtye learned Bacon and ye ingenious Jonson, until at last ye old LadyMargery, wearying of it all, saith, 'Gentles, what mattereth it how yeshall spell the word? I warrant Ye when ye use your bollocks ye shallnot think of it; and my Lady Granby, be ye content; let the spellingbe, ye shall enjoy the beating of them on your buttocks just the same, Itrow. Before I
had gained my fourteenth year I had learnt that them thatwould explore a cunt stop'd not to consider the spelling o't.'
Sr W.--In sooth, when a shift's turned up, delay is meet for naught butdalliance. Boccaccio hath a story of a priest that did beguile a maidinto his cell, then knelt him in a corner to pray for grace to berightly thankful for this tender maidenhead ye Lord had sent him; but yeabbot, spying through ye key-hole, did see a tuft of brownish hair withfair white flesh about it, wherefore when ye priest's prayer was done,his chance was gone, forasmuch as ye little maid had but ye one cunt,and that was already occupied to her content.
Then conversed they of religion, and ye mightie work ye old dead Lutherdid doe by ye grace of God. Then next about poetry, and Master Shaxpurdid rede a part of his King Henry IV., ye which, it seemeth unto me, isnot of ye value of an arsefull of ashes, yet they praised it bravely,one and all.
Ye same did rede a portion of his "Venus and Adonis," to theirprodigious admiration, whereas I, being sleepy and fatigued withal, diddeme it but paltry stuff, and was the more discomforted in that ye blodybucanier had got his wind again, and did turn his mind to farting withsuch villain zeal that presently I was like to choke once more. God damnthis windy ruffian and all his breed. I wolde that hell mighte get him.
They talked about ye wonderful defense which old Sr. NicholasThrogmorton did make for himself before ye judges in ye time of Mary;which was unlucky matter to broach, sith it fetched out ye quene with a'Pity yt he, having so much wit, had yet not enough to save his doter'smaidenhedde sound for her marriage-bed.' And ye quene did give ye damn'dSr. Walter a look yt made hym wince--for she hath not forgot he was herown lover it yt olde day. There was silent uncomfortableness now; 'twasnot a good turn for talk to take, sith if ye queene must find offensein a little harmless debauching, when pricks were stiff and cuntsnot loathe to take ye stiffness out of them, who of this company wassinless; behold, was not ye wife of Master Shaxpur four months gonewith child when she stood uppe before ye altar? Was not her Grace ofBilgewater roger'd by four lords before she had a husband? Was not yelittle Lady Helen born on her mother's wedding-day? And, beholde, werenot ye Lady Alice and ye Lady Margery there, mouthing religion, whoresfrom ye cradle?
In time came they to discourse of Cervantes, and of the new painter,Rubens, that is beginning to be heard of. Fine words and dainty-wroughtphrases from the ladies now, one or two of them being, in other days,pupils of that poor ass, Lille, himself; and I marked how that Jonsonand Shaxpur did fidget to discharge some venom of sarcasm, yet daredthey not in the presence, the queene's grace being ye very flower of yeEuphuists herself. But behold, these be they yt, having a specialty, andadmiring it in themselves, be jealous when a neighbor doth essaye it,nor can abide it in them long. Wherefore 'twas observable yt ye quenewaxed uncontent; and in time labor'd grandiose speeche out of ye mouthof Lady Alice, who manifestly did mightily pride herself thereon, didquite exhauste ye quene's endurance, who listened till ye gaudy speechewas done, then lifted up her brows, and with vaste irony, mincing saith'O shit!' Whereat they alle did laffe, but not ye Lady Alice, yt oldefoolish bitche.
Now was Sr. Walter minded of a tale he once did hear ye ingeniousMargrette of Navarre relate, about a maid, which being like to sufferrape by an olde archbishoppe, did smartly contrive a device to save hermaidenhedde, and said to him, First, my lord, I prithee, take out thyholy tool and piss before me; which doing, lo his member felle, andwould not rise again.