Anton

by Brenda Rothert

  We’re both beyond ready for sex, and I promised myself I wouldn’t go there until I told him my truth. I should’ve told him already. It’s terrifying to be in love with him and still have this secret that could ruin everything.

  “You’re jumpy tonight,” Janice says to me as I carry glasses back to the kitchen after we’ve closed.

  “I’m okay.”

  “Your boyfriend’s not being a dick, is he?”

  To others, her gruff tone could come off bitchy. But I know Janice—she’s being protective of me. And I appreciate it.

  “No, he’s great.”

  “Good.” She turns to go into her office and I say, “Hey—there is something.”

  “What is it?”

  “My grandpa is sick. He has Alzheimer’s. He’s started going downhill, and I wanted to let you know that if things take a bad turn, I’ll need to be with him. I don’t want to leave you high and dry, especially when I just came back.”

  “I get it. Just keep me posted.”

  She retreats to her office then, and I go finish my end of the night cleaning. When I walk out the front door, Anton’s waiting nearby, leaning against the passenger side door of his Range Rover. When he smiles, I smile back and throw my arms around him.

  “Hey, babe,” he says softly. “Miss me in the past few hours?”

  “Yes,” I admit.

  It kinda sucks working during his off season. But I know I’m doing the right thing for myself this time, and that feels good. He’s adjusted his schedule around mine and put up blackout curtains in his bedroom so we can sleep ‘til noon, which is necessary when we make out until the sun rises.

  I don’t say much on the ride back to his place. I’m trying to find the words to tell him I can’t have kids. Every idea I come up with feels wrong.

  “Are you okay?” he asks as he pulls up to the front door of his building.

  “Yeah.” I give him a reassuring smile as the valet comes out and takes the car.

  “You sure?”

  I slip my hand into his. “Yeah. I just want to take a quick shower when we get upstairs.”

  “Want some tea?”

  “That would be great.”

  I take a hot shower, wishing I could wash away the mistakes of my past. And if not the mistakes themselves, the shame some of them seem to have saddled me with for life.

  Everything’s still the same once I’m dried off and dressed in clean clothes, though. I know what my grandparents meant now when they talked about getting older and wiser. You can’t change your past, but you can learn from it. I know I’ve at least gained wisdom from my screw ups.

  Anton’s waiting on the couch when I walk into the living room, two steaming mugs of tea in front of him. He takes his unsweetened; I like lots of sugar in mine.

  “What’s on your mind?” he asks, picking up one mug and handing it to me.

  “Thanks.” I take a sip, then another.

  “Sit with me,” he says, patting the spot next to him on the couch.

  “I need to sit here.” I walk over to Dix’s recliner and set my mug next to it.

  “You don’t want to sit by me?” Anton sounds a little hurt.

  I take Dix’s afghan off the back of the chair and sit down, unfolding the blanket in my lap.

  “You know the big thing I wasn’t ready to tell you at first?” I say. “I want to tell you now. I’m dreading this conversation, and Dix’s chair is comforting to me. I also just want to talk instead of doing anything physical during this conversation.”

  Anton nods and turns to face me. “Okay, babe. Whatever makes you comfortable.”

  I take a deep breath and offer a small smile. “You make me comfortable. But this is still going to be hard for me. I just need to get it out, though.” Laying my palms on Dix’s worn, soft blanket in my lap, I continue, my heart beating rapid-fire. “When I was seventeen, I got pregnant.”

  Anton arches his brows slightly. I’m sure he wasn’t expecting this.

  “I was terrified,” I continue. “And so ashamed. I got good grades and my grandparents were proud of me. I couldn’t tell them. I just couldn’t.” Tears flood my eyes as I remember. “My mother was seventeen when she had me, and she wasn’t ready to be a mom. My grandparents worked so hard raising me, and I knew they’d see her in me if I told them. I mean, I saw her in me. I’d spent so long hating her and thinking she was just stupid and irresponsible.”

  I see emotions swimming in Anton’s eyes, but I can’t place them. I’ve already started, though, so I continue.

  “I wasn’t ready to be a mother. The father of the baby, he freaked out when I told him. I’m not…” I take another deep breath. “I’m not telling you any of this to make excuses. Just trying to give you the full picture. I guess, the part that matters the most is…I got an abortion. I didn’t have much money and I didn’t know where to go, so I went to this guy a friend told me about. And…” I swallow hard. “It was horrible. I cried the entire time because I felt so sad and it hurt so much. I was there by myself. I bled so much…”

  “Oh, Mia.” Anton stands up and walks over to the recliner. “I know you said nothing physical, but I have to.” He gets down on his knees and puts his arms around me.

  I hug him back, relieved for the chance to take a breather from the bad memories. His chest is warm and firm against mine, his arms strong and comforting. But after a minute, I put my palms on his chest and ease him back.

  “I was taking the El train home and I bled so much I passed out. People on the train called 911 and an ambulance came. So as badly as I wanted to keep it from my grandparents, I couldn’t. I was hospitalized. The guy who did the abortion wasn’t even a real doctor and he messed me up pretty bad. And the reason this matters now is because…” I look down, unable to meet his gaze. “I can’t have kids.”

  He cups my cheeks and raises my face until we’re eye to eye. “I’m so sorry. I can’t imagine how hard that was.”

  I swallow hard, fighting back tears. “I told Adam when we were dating and he said it was okay, but then…he brought it up after we got married. It’s the reason he called me a ghetto whore. He told me I was damaged goods and I was damn lucky he still wanted me.”

  “He’s a mean fucking bastard. Adam’s good at finding people’s weak spots and exploiting them.”

  “But in part, it’s true,” I say sadly. “I am damaged. Literally. My uterus was ruined. It’s not just that it would be hard for me to have babies, there’s a one hundred percent chance I can’t.”

  My emotions spill over from saying the words that will haunt me forever. Tears fall from my eyes onto Anton’s hands, still cradling my face.

  “Mia, you’re not damaged,” he says firmly. “What happened to you is tragic, but it wasn’t your fault.”

  “But you want babies.” I can’t seem to stop crying now. “And I can’t give you babies.”

  “There are other ways.” Anton brushes my tears away with his thumbs. “I don’t care how we make it happen, as long as we both want kids. Do you want kids?”

  “Yes. Not anytime soon, but someday, yes.”

  The corners of his lips turn up slightly. “I’m sorry you felt like you needed to hold that in, babe. I’m really glad you told me.”

  “And…you’re sure this won’t be a problem later?”

  “I’m positive.”

  He puts his arms around me and pulls me close again. I sink against him, weak with relief. I was prepared for how badly things could go; I didn’t want to even hope the conversation would go okay.

  After a couple minutes, Anton pulls away, stands up and reaches for my hands to help me up.

  “I want you to do something for me,” he says.

  “Should I sit back down so I’m in the right position?” I crack.

  He laughs and kisses my forehead. “Funny girl.”

  I smile up at him. “But seriously, I hope this thing is in the bedroom, because I wanted to wait for sex until I told you my thing and…now you
know.”

  His brows practically hit the ceiling. “Oh fuck. Now? You mean now?”

  “I’m thinking now, again tomorrow, and maybe twice the day after that.”

  “Uh…yeah. Absolutely, yeah. I just forgot about everything but that for a second, what was I gonna say?”

  “You wanted me to do something for you.”

  “Oh, right. I want you to go to counseling if you need it. Consider it an early Christmas gift from me. You’re carrying around some heavy stuff, and I think you need help forgiving yourself.”

  “Forgiving myself?”

  “Everyone makes mistakes. Every. Single. Person. It’s not just you.”

  I nod. “I know. But my mistakes feel so big.”

  “I’m really fucking proud of you, though, Mia. I’m proud of every last part of you. No matter what, you keep fighting. You’re fierce and compassionate and strong. You should be proud of who you are, too.”

  “I want to be. I’m proud of some things, and I want to work on being proud of everything.”

  “I’ll help however I can.”

  I kiss him then. It’s soft and slow and filled with all the things I can’t put into words.

  “You already are,” I say. “I don’t know how to tell you how much you mean to me, but if we go into the bedroom, I think maybe I can show you.”

  His gaze darkens. “Let’s not waste another minute, then.”

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  Anton

  * * *

  I’ve already seen and touched every inch of Mia’s body. She’s a mystery I’m slowly figuring out, my reward her moans and gasps of pleasure.

  She likes it when I take my time with her pussy—teasing her and bringing her to the brink and back again. When she’s close to coming, she gets there instantly if I finger her ass. Her nipples are hands down the most sensitive spot on her body.

  But this is uncharted territory for us. I’ve never been inside her. I want her so much my entire body is humming. As I strip away her clothes and both of us pull mine off in a frenzy, my cock drips on her belly, almost driven to the edge just knowing what’s about to happen.

  No protection. We’ve both been tested for STDs and since pregnancy isn’t a concern, there won’t be anything between us this first time.

  She’s finally mine. Completely mine. I’ve never felt this way before—surrounded in every way by what a woman does to me. Mia is everywhere. She’s my first thought in the morning and the last before I fall asleep.

  Her breath is warm on my lips as I finally, finally push inside her. Her lips part with pleasure as I sink in, inch by inch. It’s fucking heaven. It’s been three years since I’ve had sex, and I’ve never had it with a woman I revered as I do Mia.

  “Yes,” she whispers. “More.”

  Her hips work in time with mine as I fuck her. It’s intense, her wet pussy and heavy breathing making my balls ache for release. All the times I fantasized about this, I never really thought it could happen.

  It’s so much more than my fantasies. Mia is warm and soft and perfect beneath me. She’s moaning my name and wrapping her legs around my waist.

  I pump my hips and sink deep inside her.

  “Oh God, Anton.”

  I fuck her harder, going a little further.

  “Ah…don’t stop,” she cries, her nails digging into my back.

  I give her everything, my balls slapping against her and sweat dripping from my brow to the pillow.

  “I’m coming…oh shit, yes.”

  Her pussy contracts around my cock, milking me so hard my groan echoes through the room. I thought I’d given her my whole heart already, but as our bodies become one for just a few perfect seconds, I swear I feel something lodge further into my heart than before.

  We lie together in silence for a few minutes, our legs entwined. But it’s not long before I kiss my way from her chest—taking my time on each nipple—to her stomach, hard and so fucking ready to be inside her again.

  “Me on top this time,” she murmurs.

  Fuck. Yeah. I’m on my back in a second flat, and when she straddles me, I’m awed by the sight of her on top of me. Her round, firm breasts are perfect and her hair, loose around her shoulders, is tousled.

  I want to tousle her hair in bed every day for the rest of my life. I groan as she sinks onto my cock, sheathing me in her tight, wet warmth.

  She rides me, her hands braced on the headboard. I hold on to her hips, forcing myself not to come. Just seeing her on top of me is enough to do it; she looks like a golden goddess, her tits bouncing and her hips grinding.

  And the sounds she’s making—fuck me. She makes hot noises when I’m giving her oral, but this is next level. She’s crying out with pleasure as she works her clit up and down my dick. Nothing exists for her in this moment except using my body to get herself off.

  She gets there fast, riding out every last second of her orgasm with no inhibition. It’s sexy as hell, and as soon as she’s done, I pull her hips down and come inside her again, shuddering with satisfaction.

  She slides off my lap and snuggles into my side, damp with sweat and slack with satisfaction.

  “That was exactly what I needed,” she says.

  “Yeah, me too.” I kiss her temple. “I feel like a dick for not asking before, but with what happened to you, does sex hurt?”

  Mia hums with amusement. “Did it seem like I was in pain?”

  “No, but…I need you to tell me just so I’m sure.”

  “It doesn’t hurt at all.”

  I pull her closer. “You know, the team does a mentoring program with foster kids. I got paired with a great kid a few years ago and it made me think maybe I’d like to be a foster parent someday.”

  “Really?” she asks hopefully.

  “Yeah, maybe that could lead to kids we’d adopt.”

  “I would love that. We lived next door to a couple who fostered kids when I was growing up and I felt so sorry for those kids. My grandma would offer them food when they were playing at our house and they’d eat tons and thank her over and over. I got the impression they weren’t getting enough to eat.”

  “That’s shitty. People like that give good foster parents a bad name.”

  We lie in silence for a few minutes, Mia’s breathing evening out. I’m more content than I’ve ever been. Maybe the drive I’ve been feeling for so many years to be the best in hockey was actually about more than just the game.

  I never realized there was a hole in my heart until Mia filled it. And now, I want more than just hockey in my life. I also want to keep playing at a level that will make her proud. Hopefully our future kids will feel the same.

  “I love you,” she murmurs against my chest.

  Kissing her on the forehead, I say, “Love you too.”

  Much later that same day, Mia and I walk into Lucky Seven. It’s her night off, and we’re meeting Luca and Vic for a drink and then dinner.

  “Hey, man,” Vic says, clapping me on the back and then hugging Mia.

  “Hey,” Luca says, doing the same.

  “You look beat,” I tell Luca.

  He’s got dark circles under his eyes and looks like he hasn’t shaved in days.

  “Yeah, Emerson got the flu and then Cora got it. I’ve never seen so much puke in my life.”

  “You didn’t have to come, man. Are they feeling any better yet?”

  “I needed to get out of the house, I’ve been there alone with the kids for days. My parents drove in today to help out.”

  “Let us know if there’s anything we can do,” Mia offers.

  “Thanks. I just hope Jack doesn’t get it next, or I’m fucked.”

  Bree, a Lucky Seven server, comes to our table, her gaze bouncing between me, Vic and Luca.

  “Damn, Mia, you gonna share?” She gives Vic a flirty grin.

  “You know which one’s mine,” Mia says, leaning close to me. “The other two are all yours.”

  Vic’s sizing her up. I know him
well enough to know what he’s thinking: he finds her fuckable, but doesn’t know if he wants to create drama with someone who works with Mia since he’s not up for a relationship.

  Luca doesn’t even bother looking; the poor bastard’s probably too tired to think about sex, and the kids keep him busy all the time.

  They both order beers and Mia asks for an iced tea. I get my usual water.

  “When are you leaving for your trip?” I ask Vic.

  The hockey offseason is short, so most of us cram it full of all the things we don’t have time to do during our 82-game season. Travel and relaxation are always at the top of everyone’s list.

  “Next week. I can’t fucking wait,” Vic says.

  “Where are you going?” Mia asks him.

  “Montana. I’m staying at a lodge with a few guys. We’re gonna fish every day.”

  “Sounds like fun.”

  “You guys going anywhere?” Vic asks us.

  Mia gives me an apologetic look. “Maybe something short. I have a summer class and work, so I can’t get away for long.”

  “We’ll fit something in.” I wink at her.

  I already booked us for a week at an all-inclusive resort in Hawaii. It’s the week after her class ends, and I asked Janice if she could give Mia the time off but not tell her yet.

  While I love that Mia wants to take care of herself, I need to be able to do things for her, too. I think a week alone with her sounds like paradise, no matter where we go. No one’s ever spoiled Mia like she deserves. I plan to make up for it.

  “How about you?” Vic asks Luca, tipping his beer bottle back for a drink.

  “I’m taking the kids to Disney for a week.”

  “How fun,” Mia says, grinning.

  “Yeah, there’s this great program for kids who have lost parents in combat, and they’re sending a bunch of families down there. We’re going at the same time.”

  “That sounds like a great program for the team to raise money for,” Mia says.

  “They’re fantastic. The kids have all made friends with other kids who have lost parents.”

  I give Luca an appreciative nod. “You’re doing a great job with them, man. I know it’s a lot of work, but you should be proud.”