“It’s okay, Tess. God’s with you, and He’ll carry you and hold you firm. Just like He’s doing with me.”
Tessa nodded, unable to speak. She determined that her anchor would hold, and prayed that Ben’s would too.
Before Tessa left the following day, Stephanie and Tessa sat at the piano while Stephanie played all the old hymns they used to love singing at Gracepointe Church. When Stephanie began to play ‘Will Your Anchor Hold’, tears rolled down Tessa’s cheek as she sang, but without a shadow of a doubt, she knew that her anchor was grounded firm and deep in the Saviour’s love, and that despite whatever lay ahead, God was with her and she would make it through. She also weeded the garden with Stephanie’s mum.
Chapter 8
When Ben woke on Saturday morning and Tessa wasn’t there, he toyed with the idea of rolling over and going back to sleep. In fact, he was tempted to stay there all day. The lump that had formed in his stomach after hearing Preston’s news still lay heavy, and he just wanted to curl up and hide from the world. Jayden would never be coming home now. Regardless of Tessa’s constant optimism, the reality was that he’d messed up, and he’d lost his son. Forever. The pain in his chest was suffocating. The counsellor’s words flashed through his mind, ‘Try not to dwell on what’s happened. You can’t change that. The only things you can change are your attitudes, thoughts and reactions to what’s happened.’
Ben sighed and threw off the bedcovers. He placed his feet on the floor and perched on the edge of the bed. He placed his head in his hands. God, I’m giving You the situation. Please help me change my thinking, and help me get through this. You know how heavy my heart is and how bad I feel. I don’t know how to move forward, but I’ll trust You. A day at a time. Thank you.
He stepped into the shower, and as the warm water flowed over his body, some of his pain slipped away. When he stepped out, the cloud that had been his constant companion since the day Jayden left had lifted a little.
He’d been neglecting his daily Bible reading, but today he opened his Bible as he ate breakfast—outside on the deck with Bindy and Sparky lying next to him. Filtered sunshine reached him through the surrounding bushes and trees which seemed to have shot up all of a sudden. He blinked. Last time he’d noticed, they weren’t that big. How long had it been since he’d trimmed them? He quickly finished breakfast and found the electric trimmer in the garage and began trimming. By the time he finished, the pile of garden waste was almost as tall as himself. Just as well they had a large garden bag. He bundled it up and carried it in several lots to the bag, all the while trying not to trip over the dogs. With Tessa gone, he probably had little choice but to take them out. After a quick break, he found their leashes and headed down the street towards the park.
He sidestepped around a young boy who’d stopped in the middle of the path on his training bike.
The boy’s father raced towards him and pushed the bike out of Ben’s way. “Sorry.” He gave Ben an apologetic look.
“No problem.” Ben smiled at him as Bindy and Sparky stopped for a pat from the boy. “How old’s your son?”
“Three. He keeps us on our toes.” The man chuckled.
Ben gave the man a wistful smile as a memory of pushing Jayden on a training bike not too dissimilar from this one flashed through his mind. “Enjoy him. He’ll grow up too quickly.” Pulling the dogs away from the boy, Ben gave a nod and continued his walk.
He let Bindy and Sparky take the lead and followed without thinking about where they were taking him. How had time passed so quickly? It didn’t seem that long ago since Jayden was just a little boy, learning to ride a bike. He pushed the memory away. No use dwelling on the past, especially when it would only make him sad again.
As he neared the river, the ringing of his phone sounded from his pocket. He stopped and pulled it out. A message from Eleanor. He clicked on it. Hi Ben. We know Tess is away, so wondering if you’d like to join us for dinner at Bussey’s tonight? Ben’s shoulders slumped. Tessa’s parents meant well, but could he handle being with them on his own without her there? Was he ready to begin talking with people again? He drew a slow breath, his gaze fixed on a ferry chugging slowly across the river. He should go. If he was determined to make changes, this would be the perfect opportunity to start. He hit reply and accepted.
Later that afternoon, Ben made his way to Bussey’s Seafood Restaurant. Eleanor and Telford were already seated, and waved to him when he arrived. He gave Eleanor a kiss and shook Telford’s hand before taking his seat.
“Guess you heard about the application?”
Eleanor touched his wrist lightly. “Yes, and we’re so sorry.”
Ben swallowed hard, pushing down the lump in his throat. “We kind of expected it, but getting a final answer was hard.”
“We can’t imagine how you’re feeling,” Telford said, his big bushy eyebrows moving in time with his mouth. “It’s hard enough for us with Elliott away, but he’s a grown man.”
Ben lowered his gaze to his hands.
“Telford, we agreed not to talk about it.” Eleanor’s voice was little more than a whisper.
Ben looked up. “It’s okay. I’ve got to learn to deal with it, and to talk about it.”
“We’re all praying for you, son,” Telford said.
“Thank you.” Ben gave them both an appreciative smile.
“Shall we order?” Telford pulled the menus from the holder in the middle of the table and passed them out. “Not that we really need to look.”
Eleanor chuckled at her husband as a familiar, comfortable look passed between them, tugging at Ben’s heart. Would he and Tess look at each other like that after thirty years of marriage? He hoped so.
They ordered, and then chatted about things in general, until the conversation turned back to Jayden.
“We pray for him everyday, Ben. That he’ll make good decisions, and that harm won’t come his way. He’s a good boy, and he knows deep down where his family is.” Eleanor tapped Ben on the wrist again. “He’ll come home one day. I’m sure of it.”
“That’s what Tessa keeps saying. But I’m not so sure.”
“I’ve got some verses for you. You’ve been on my heart for weeks now, and I feel strongly that God wants me to share these verses with you. May I?” Eleanor’s warm, caring expression tugged at his heart. He’d grown to admire this woman, and any word of comfort or wisdom she could impart was more than welcome.
“Sure.”
She smiled broadly at him. “They’re from 2nd Corinthians 4, verses 16 to 18. You probably already know them, ‘Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.’ She touched his arm again lightly and held his gaze. “We don’t know what’s going to happen with Jayden, but God does. And we have to trust Him. In the meantime, I pray that you and Tessa will grow stronger together, and that God will renew you both inwardly every day. Fix your eyes on God, and allow Him to do a wonderful work in your life. Telford and I would hate to see this situation tear you apart. Draw strength from God, and be assured He’ll never let you face more than you can bear.” She leaned back. “There, I’ve said more than I intended, I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay. Thank you. That means so much, and I’ll certainly take it on board.” Ben squeezed her hand and gave her a warm smile.
On his way home, he let those verses play over again in his mind. He didn’t really think his troubles were that light or momentary, but in the whole scheme of things, he guessed they were. He was on a journey, and this trouble was part of that journey. Two choices confronted him; be swallowed by his troubles, or fix his eyes firmly on Jesus, allowing Him to work in his heart along this journey that had been thrust upon him. Ben’s spirit moved within him as the answer became cle
ar. There was no choice. As challenging as it might be, he would fix his eyes on Jesus and not allow his troubles to engulf him any longer.
Chapter 9
On Sunday afternoon, Tessa headed back home in much better spirits. A thought was slowly beginning to grow inside her. A thought that made her heart pound with excitement, and she was almost convinced it was from God. Of course, she’d pray about it some more, and then she’d have to tell Ben. That would be the difficult part. Ben wasn't a very go-with-the-flow type of person and wasn’t that keen on unexpected changes. He preferred to plan and stick to schedules. She sometimes wished he were more spontaneous and flexible, but maybe if he were, she’d then wish he wasn't. Well, she would just have to take a chance and hope he’d agree with her idea.
When she pulled into the driveway, she was surprised to see Margaret walking away from the front door. "Margaret, I'm glad you're here." Tessa jumped out of the car and hugged her. "I’ve got something to run past you."
"Only after you let me inside so I can sit down and give my feet a rest. I've been ringing the doorbell and knocking for a good ten minutes now. I even tried calling you." Margaret took off her wide-brimmed sun hat and fanned her face.
"Oh, I'm sorry." Tessa hurried to unlock the door and led the way into the living room. "I’ve been visiting Stephanie and her mother, and my phone died. I forgot to take my charger. Ben should be home anyway." She called out, but he didn’t answer. She didn't even receive a response from Bindy or Sparky. "I guess not. He probably took the dogs for a walk. Take a seat and I’ll get you some water."
Margaret settled onto a couch while Tessa disappeared into the kitchen.
It didn't take her long to fill two glasses with iced water and return to the living room. In her hand, Margaret held a framed photo of Ben and Jayden taken at the wedding. Tessa smiled sadly and sat down on the couch beside her. "Do you think Jayden will come back?"
Margaret patted Tessa’s leg. "Of course he will. He's probably not ready to admit it yet, but deep in his heart, Jayden knows that you and Ben love him. He knows this is home." She set the photo back down and took her glass of water, taking hold of Tessa's hand with her free one. "That's why I came over. I wanted to see how you’ve been holding up. Have you heard anything from him yet?"
"Not directly. He contacts Neil, but he won’t reply to any of our emails or texts. Ben’s called him like a thousand times." Tessa sighed. "It's like he wants to forget we even exist."
"Don't talk like that. Give him time."
“Yes, I know. I’m sorry.” How quickly she’d lost the confidence and peace she’d felt after being with Stephanie and her mum. Why couldn’t she be as steady and hopeful about the future as they were?
"And how have you and Ben been holding up?" Margaret’s expression grew more serious.
Tessa remained quiet for a few moments before answering. She exhaled heavily. "Not very well, I’m afraid. That's why I went to see Stephanie. I had to get away from all this." She waved her hand around the sunlit living room. "Everything here reminds us of Jayden, and Ben and I-" She stopped. A flush crept across her cheeks. "Well, Ben and I are barely talking to one another. When we're both home, we're like ships in the night. We hardly spend any quality time together. Ever since Jayden left, Ben's been spending more time at the office, even on weekends when he doesn't have to work. And after Friday, when we got the news about the application…" She teared up.
Margaret’s eyes softened and she took hold of Tessa’s hand. "We’re all praying for you, dear.”
Tessa swallowed hard and gave Margaret the best smile she could manage.
“Thank you, I appreciate it.” She drew in a slow breath to steady herself. “Let me make some tea.” She disappeared into the kitchen and switched the kettle on. She needed a moment to settle her thoughts. Her mind was racing ahead of itself, but for the first time since Jayden had left, she felt she had some direction, but she needed to run her idea past Margaret in case it was totally unrealistic.
Tessa was pouring the tea when Margaret joined her in the kitchen.
“Shall we sit outside?”
“Yes, why not?” Tessa handed Margaret a mug of steaming tea and picked up her own, along with a plate of shop-bought Anzac biscuits, and followed Margaret outside. Tessa’s eyes popped. The bushes had all been trimmed. They weren’t like that when I left. A smile formed on her face at the thought of Ben actually doing this.
“This is lovely, dear,” Margaret said as she gazed around the yard.
“Yes, it is, thank you. We loved it when we first moved in, but now…”
Margaret patted her hand and looked at her with a kindly expression. “I know a little of how you’re feeling. All those years when Harrison wouldn’t have anything to do with Harold and me. Nothing hurts more than having a child who acts like you don't exist."
Tessa nodded and wrapped her hands around the warm mug. “I think I’m okay now, after the weekend with Stephanie. But I’m concerned about Ben. He’s started counselling, but so far it doesn’t seem to have made much difference. And the decision we got on Friday really threw him.”
"I’m not a counsellor, but maybe you and Ben need to get away for a while.” Margaret’s voice was soft and caring. “Nothing fancy, but I’m sure a break would do you good. Somewhere different where you’re not reminded of Jayden all the time. Not that you want to forget him, but being away from here would help you to regain your focus on God and on each other."
Tessa’s pulse quickened. She looked up and took a quick breath. "That's exactly what I've been thinking since being with Stephanie. I feel God’s placed this idea on my heart. Please tell me if this is crazy or not… I had this thought that we should go on a mission trip to get a new perspective on everything. If we just went on a holiday, we’d still be thinking about Jayden all the time, and I don’t see it would help, but if we went on a mission trip, I think it’d help get our minds off ourselves and Jayden, at least for a while. I haven't thought where we’d go or for how long, but I just feel it's something we should do. Of course, Ben would have to agree."
Margaret squeezed Tessa’s hand and smiled broadly. “I think the mission trip’s a wonderful idea, and Ben just might think the same. You won't know until you ask him."
Chapter 10
Soon after Margaret left, the eager yaps of Bindy and Sparky announced Ben’s return. Tessa scooped up the stack of papers she’d printed out and stepped into the backyard. Since sharing with Margaret, she’d been praying for God to give Ben a positive heart towards the mission trip idea. Now the time had come for her to tell him about it. She hoped Margaret was right and that he’d be as excited about the idea as she was.
Taking Sparky’s leash, Tessa leaned up and gave him a kiss. “Good to see you up and about, sweetie.”
“These two didn’t give me much option. Persistent creatures.” Ben let out a small chuckle as he unclipped Bindy’s leash. “They were about to have a fit if someone didn't take them to the park. Almost wore me out."
“And was it you who trimmed the bushes?” She sidled up to him, slipping her arms around his waist and leaning back as she met his gaze.
Ben’s eyes twinkled. “So you noticed?” He raised an eyebrow.
“How could I not? There’s not much left of them!”
He laughed as he leaned down and kissed her slowly on the lips.
Her heart skipped a beat. Where had this come from? Such a welcome and unexpected change, but giving hope that he’d be open to her idea. She reluctantly pulled away and filled the dogs’ bowls with water, all the while trying to keep her excitement under control.
"How’s Stephanie?" Ben poured out an equal amount of food for both dogs but glanced at her as he did. Bindy and Sparky yapped as they ran back and forth waiting for their dinner.
Tessa smiled as she watched them, then lifted her gaze. "Much better than I’d expected. She can't use her legs, but she and her mum are so optimistic about the future. It’s strange, but the accident h
as helped Stephanie to see things differently. She’s got a much better outlook now than after she lost her job.”
“That’s great.” Ben picked up the dogs’ bowls and held them above the jumping dogs before placing them on the ground. “I can’t imagine what it would be like.”
“I know, but she’s doing well. She really is.” She took a deep breath. Here goes. "When I was driving back from the farm, I had an idea." She held her breath as she held up a picture of an Ecuadorian village she’d printed out.
Ben stepped closer, drawing his brows together. "Ecuador? What’s this about?"
Tessa gulped. "With all that’s happened with Jayden leaving, I think it’d be good for us to take some time away, to regain our focus on God and on each other. I hate how we’ve been.” She stepped closer, and lifted her hands to Ben’s chest as she gazed into his surprised eyes. “I feel God’s put this idea into my head, so let me speak. I think it’d help us get a new perspective on everything, and I’ve always wanted to go on a mission trip. After praying about it, Ecuador popped into my mind. It wouldn’t have to be for long, maybe one or two months at the most, but I’m sure we could stay longer if we wanted."
Ben remained silent.
Tessa held her breath. What would he say?
"I don't know. You’ve taken me by surprise. Ecuador’s a long way from Australia, and what if Jayden comes back while we’re there? His ninety days will be up soon.”
"We’d come back if he did; it’s only a flight away. We need to get away from here, and it shouldn't be difficult to organise. Elliott’s already there, and I’m sure he’d help us apply and get everything sorted. Think about it?" She tilted her head. What was he thinking? If he agreed, it would be a huge step, but one she believed would be so beneficial.
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