Mr. Dooley Says

by Finley Peter Dunne

  A BROKEN FRIENDSHIP

  "Hogan was in here just now," said Mr. Dooley, "an' he tells me he wastalkin' with th' Alderman an' they both agreed we're sure to have warwith th' Japs inside iv two years. They can see it comin'. Befure verylong thim little brown hands acrost th' sea will hand us a crack in th'eye an' thin ye'll see throuble."

  "What's it all about?" asked Mr. Hennessy.

  "Divvle a thing can I make out iv it," said Mr. Dooley. "Hogan sayswe've got to fight f'r th' supreemacy iv th' Passyfic. Much fightin' I'ddo f'r an ocean, but havin' taken th' Philippeens, which ar-re a blamednuisance, an th' Sandwich Islands, that're about as vallyable as a toyballoon to a horse-shoer, we've got to grab a lot iv th' surroundin'dampness to protect thim. That's wan reason why we're sure to have war.Another reason is that th' Japs want to sind their littleforty-five-year-old childher to be iddycated in th' San Francisco publicschools. A third reason why it looks like war to Hogan an' th' Aldermanis that they'd been dhrinkin' together.

  "Wud ye iver have thought 'twas possible that anny wan in this counthrycud even talk iv war with thim delightful, cunning little Oryentals?Why, 'tis less thin two years since Hogan was comin' home fr'm th'bankit iv th' Union iv Usurers with his arms around th' top iv a Jap'shead while th' Jap clutched Hogan affectionately about th' waist an'they sung 'Gawd Save th' Mickydoo.' D'ye raymimber how we hollered withjoy whin a Rooshyan Admiral put his foot through th' bottom iv aman-iv-war an' sunk it. An' how we cheered in th' theaytre to see th'cute little sojers iv th' Mickydoo mowin' down th' brutal Rooshyanmoojiks with masheen guns. An' fin'lly, whin th' Japs had gone athousand miles into Rooshyan territory an' were about busted an' ayetherhad to stop fightin' or not have car fare home, our worthy Prisident, yeknow who I mean, jumped to th' front an' cried: 'Boys, stop it. It'sgone far enough to satisfy th' both iv ye.' An th' angel iv peacebrooded over th' earth an' crowed lustily.

  "Day after day th' pa-apers come out an' declared, in th' column next toth' half-page ad iv th' Koppenheimer bargain sale, that th' defeat ivRooshya was a judgment iv th' Lord on th' Czar. If ye saw a Japannywhere, ye asked him to take a dhrink.

  "Hogan talked about nawthin' else. They were a wondherful little people.How they had diviloped! Nawthin' in th' histhry iv th' wurruld was akelto th' way they'd come up. They cud shoot straighter an' oftener thinanny other nation. A Jap cud march three hundred miles a day f'r eightdays with nawthin' to eat. They were highly civvylized. It was an oldcivvylization but not tainted be age. Millyons iv years befure th'first white man set fut in Milwaukee th' Japs undhershtud th'mannyfacther iv patent wringers, sewin'-masheens, reapers, tillyphones,autymobills, ice-cream freezers, an' all th' other wondhers iv ourboasted Westhren divilopement.

  "Their customs showed how highly they'd been civvylized. Whin a Japsoldier was defeated, rather thin surrendher an' be sint home to havehis head cut off, he wud stab himself in th' stummick. Their treatmentiv women put thim on a higher plane thin ours. Cinchries ago befure th'higher iddycation iv women was dhreamed iv in this counthry, th' poorestman in Japan cud sind his daughter to a tea-house, which is th' same asour female siminaries, where she remained till she gradyated as th' wifeiv some proud noble iv th' old Samuri push.

  "Their art had ours thrimmed to a frazzle. Th' Jap artist O'Casey'spitcher iv a lady leanin' on a river while a cow walked up her back,was th' loveliest thing in th' wurruld. They were th' gr-reatestathletes iver known. A Japanese child with rickets cud throw Johnsonover a church. They had a secret iv rasslin' be which a Jap rassler cudblow on his opponent's eyeball an' break his ankle. They were th' finestsoordsmen that iver'd been seen. Whin a Japanese soordsman wint into acombat he made such faces that his opponent dhropped his soord an' thinhe uttered a bloodcurdlin' cry, waved his soord four hundhred an' fiftytimes over th' head iv th' victim or in th' case iv a Samuri eighthundred an' ninety-six, give a whoop resimblin' our English wurrud'tag,' an' clove him to th' feet. As with us, on'y th' lower classesengaged in business. Th' old arrystocracy distained to thrade butstarted banks an' got all th' money. Th' poor man had a splendid chance.He cud devote his life to paintin' wan rib iv a fan, f'r which he gottwo dollars, or he cud become a cab horse. An' even in th' wan branch ivart that Westhren civvylization is supposed to excel in, they had usbeat miles. They were th' gr-reatest liars in th' wurruld an' formerlyfriends iv th' Prisidint.

  "All these here things I heerd fr'm Hogan an' see in th' pa-apers. Iinvied this wondherful nation. I wisht, sometimes, th' Lord hadn't givenme two blue an' sometimes red eyes an' this alkiline nose, but a noselike an ear an' a couple iv shoe-buttons f'r eyes. I wanted to be a Japan' belong to th' higher civvylization. Hogan had a Jap frind that usedto come in here with him. Hogan thought he was a Prince, but he was acook an' a student in a theelogical siminry. They'd talk be th' hourabout th' beauties iv what Hogan called th' Flowery Kingdom. 'Oh,wondherful land,' says Hogan. 'Land iv chrysanthymums an' cherryblossoms a' gasyhee girls,' says he. 'Japan is a beautiful land,' saysPrince Okoko. 'Nippon, (that's th' name it goes by at home,) Nippon, Isalute ye,' says Hogan. 'May victhry perch upon ye'er banners, an' mayye hammer our old frinds an' allies fr'm Mookden to Moscow. Banzai,'says he. An' they embraced. That night, in ordher to help on th' cause,Hogan bought a blue flower-pot fr'm th' Prince's collection f'r eighteendollars. He took it home undher his ar-rm in th' rain an' th' nextmornin' most iv th' flower-pot was on his new overcoat an' th' rest wasmeltin' all over th' flure.

  "That was the beginnin' iv th' end iv th' frindship between th' twogr-reat nations that owe thimselves so much. About th' time Hogan gotth' flower-pot, th' fire-sale ads an' th' Rooshyan outrage news bothstopped in th' newspa-apers. A well-known fi-nanceer who thravelled toTokeeo with a letter iv inthraduction to th' Mickydoo fr'm th' Prisidintbeginnin' 'Dear mick,' got a brick put through his hat as he wint tovisit th' foorth assistant to th' manicure iv th' eighth assistant toth' plumber iv th' bricklayer iv th' Mickydoo, which is th' nearest tohis Majesty that foreign eyes ar-re permitted to look upon. A littlelater a number iv Americans in private life who wint over to rayceivein person th' thanks iv th' Impror f'r what they'd done f'r him talkin'ar-round th' bar at th' Union League Club, were foorced be th' warmth ivtheir rayciption to take refuge in th' house iv th' Rooshyan counsel.Th' next month some iv th' subjects iv our life-long frind an' ally wereshot while hookin' seals fr'm our side iv th' Passyfic. Next week aprom'nent Jap'nese statesman was discovered payin' a socyal visit to th'Ph'lippeens. He had with him at th' time two cameras, a couple iv linemen, surveyin' tools, a thousand feet iv tape line, an' a bag ivdinnymite bombs. Last month th' Jap'nese Governmint wrote to th'Prisidint: 'Most gracious an' bewilderin' Majesty, Impror iv th' Sun,austere an' patient Father iv th' Stars, it has come to our benignattintion that in wan iv ye'er populous domains our little prattlin'childher who ar-re over forty years iv age ar-re not admitted to th'first reader classes in th' public schools. Oh, brother beloved, weadore ye. Had ye not butted in with ye'er hivenly binivolence we wud'veshook Rooshya down f'r much iv her hateful money. Now we must prove ouraffection with acts. It is our intintion to sind a fleet to visit ye'ershores, partickly San Francisco, where we undherstand th' school systemis well worth studyin'.'

  "An' there ye ar-re, Hinnissy. Th' frindship ceminted two years ago withblood an' beers is busted. I don't know whether annything will happen.Hogan thinks so, but I ain't sure. Th' Prisidint has announced thatrather thin see wan octoginaryan Jap prevented fr'm larnin' hisa-bee-abs he will divastate San Francisco with fire, flood, dinnymite,an' personalities. But San Francisco has had a pretty good bump latelyan' wud hardly tur-rn over in its sleep f'r an invasion. Out therethey're beginnin' to talk about what nice people th' Chinese ar-recompared with our old frinds an' allies. They say that th' Jap'nese growup too fast f'r their childher, an' that 'tis no pleasant sight to see aJap'nese pupil combin' a set iv gray whiskers an' larnin', 'Mary had alittle lamb,' and if th' Prisidint wants thim to enther th' schoolshe'll have to load thim in a cannon an' shoot thim in."
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  "We'd bate thim in a fight," said Mr. Hennessy. "They cudden't stand upbefure a gr-reat, sthrong nation like ours."

  "We think we're gr-reat an' sthrong," said Mr. Dooley. "But maybe weon'y look fat to thim. Annyhow, we might roll on thim. Wudden't it beth' grand thing, though, if they licked us an' we signed a threaty ivpeace with thim an' with tears iv humilyation in our eyes handed thimth' Ph'lippeens!"