Willful Child

by Steven Erikson

  “So you say, Doc,” said Hadrian. “But clearly TWITA thinks different. Now, what did the scan reveal?”

  “Ah!” Printlip held up three hands, one finger on each pointed upward. “Definite Klang physiological structures, particularly in neural bundles.… Gross biomechanical modifications evident in upper forelimbs and hindmost limbs.… Altered sensory apparatus not yet optimal.”

  “Meaning?”

  “When standing, sir, their visual organs are rear-facing, leaving them with only a primitive echolocation nodbrrllpf.”

  “Go on and catch your breath, Doc. Allow me to expound. So, they can’t aim those blasters worth shit. That explains how none of them managed to hit us.” Hadrian began pacing, if only keep his eyes off Nipplebaum. “The Klang are building an army here. Ground shock troops, in the billions. Problem is, they’re still thinking like, well, like weasels. Galk, when those trilobites mobbed you, what were they trying to do to you?”

  “Hard to say, Captain. But given all the codpieces coming off…”

  “What? They wanted to mate with you?”

  The Varekan shrugged. “Like I said, no jewels, Captain.”

  Printlip added a fourth hand and a fourth finger to wave in the dusty air. “Klang neural bundles involve complex intertwining, Captain. Difficult to separate sexual desire and aggression.”

  “So, a work in progress, then.” Hadrian halted. “Assessment, Doc? When will they finally get all the kinks ironed out here?”

  “Hard to say, sir.”

  “Well, thanks for that, Doc. What would I do without you?”

  “Very well, sir, I shall cogitate.… Ah … I conclude that Klang success is unlikely.”

  “I’ll say.” Hadrian returned to the crate and, after a few moments, managed to release the tiny Klang-scaled latches. He flipped open the lid. “Hmm, interesting.”

  Nipplebaum joined him, standing far too close. “Sir, those look like rocks.”

  “They are,” replied Hadrian. “Real ones.”

  Printlip joined them and held his Pentracorder over the contents. “Ah. Rich in Triblabbomhmium, Captain.”

  “You’re kidding! These worthless looking rocks are full of Triblithmium?”

  “Triblabbomhmium, sir.”

  “Which is highly sought after, no doubt.”

  “Not that I know of, sir.”

  “Really? Well, what’s it used for?”

  “It’s a waste product produced from the processing of Tetro-Diblabbomhmmium, which is a crucial component in what … you would call terraforming.”

  “Really, now?” Hadrian thought for a moment, and then frowned as a soft minty-smelling body leaned into him from one side. “Uhm. Galk!”

  “Captain?”

  “Those trilobites still hanging around out there?”

  “Doubt it. They marched off after eating the bits you left behind.”

  “Good. Take Zulu and Doc here, and do a reccee. Full circuit. Should take you about a half hour. Me and Nipplebaum here will examine the rest of these crates.”

  Printlip spoke. “Captain, I think—”

  “Save it for later, Doc. Look, they’re waiting for you. Off you go, then. Quick quick! Oh, and be sure to knock when you all get back.”

  As soon as they were gone, Nipplebaum launched herself on Hadrian, tearing at his shirt, and then his trousers. She dragged him to the floor.

  NiNETEEN

  A loud buzzing sounded in Hadrian’s head and he swore. “Sawback here, can’t it wait?”

  Jimmy Eden’s voice replied, “Sorry, Captain, but Commander Sin-Dour has ordered me to inform you that a shuttle has been stolen and may possibly be descending to your position.”

  Hadrian pushed Nipplebaum to one side and sat up. “Stolen? What are you talking about?”

  “Sorry, sir. It’s just that stuff’s been going on. In the meantime, I mean. And the upshot is, we’re missing a shuttle. Oh, and Chief Engineer DeFrank. He’s missing, too.”

  “You’re saying Buck’s taking a shuttle down to us?”

  “Uh, no, sir. Lieutenant Brogan reports that the last time she saw the chief engineer, he was unconscious, bound and gagged. So there’s no way he stole the shuttle. But he might be on it, since we can’t find him.”

  Hadrian rubbed at his temples. “Eden, get my 2IC on the comms, will you?”

  “Oh, sorry, sir! I meant to say, she’s in sickbay.”

  “What? So who’s commanding the bridge?”

  “Well, uh, sir. You are. I mean, your hologram is, which is you, I think. Isn’t it?”

  Nipplebaum pushed one of her breasts into Hadrian’s face. He choked, then pitched back, rolled to one side, and leapt to his feet. “Get that thing on comms, Eden!”

  Hadrian then heard his own voice coming through the embedded speaker in his jaw. “You see, brother? This is what I was trying to avoid, since I knew you’d be upset.”

  “Upset? Why would I be upset? Tell you what, engage the Insisteon and displace me back to the bridge, will you? We can talk it all over.”

  “Why, I’d love to, brother, but there’s static in the system. Tachyon storm, maybe. Anyway, I dare not risk bringing you back just yet. And now that we’ve lost our chief engineer, well, you can see how it is, can’t you?”

  “Tammy? You listening in?”

  The AI sighed and then said, “I blame myself, Hadrian. I do apologize. I found a dumped file’s echo and, well, tracked it, recompiling as I went. But I wasn’t really paying much attention, as things were heating up in the sewers, and everything was, as you might say, hitting the fan.”

  “Tammy?”

  “Yes, Hadrian?”

  “Will you please expunge that hologram with extreme prejudice?”

  “Hey! That’s hardly neces—”

  Tammy said, “Done, Captain. Although I should point out, your doppelgänger performed admirably in your absence.”

  “Crap on that! My first officer is in sickbay and my chief engineer has been kidnapped by persons unknown and may now be on a stolen shuttle! Wait a minute! Where’s Sweepy Brogan right now?”

  “Sickbay,” Tammy replied. “But do relax, will you? Both she and Commander Sin-Dour are debriefing the survivors of Muffy’s First Squad. As for the shuttle, why, it was stolen by the Superchicken. Furthermore, it seems obvious that the creature has taken Buck DeFrank as a hostage. One must therefore assume that some form of negotiation is pending.”

  “I have to negotiate with a Superchicken?”

  “Shall I assist?”

  “No, Tammy, you shall not. Now, is the shuttle still approaching our position?”

  “Confirmed, Captain. I recommend you proceed with extreme caution. Two marines have already been placed in deep freeze in order to facilitate future extensive limb and organ regeneration, which will have to occur on a fully-equipped hospital station, ring or vessel. Furthermore, there is the accompanying psychological trauma which will require intense rehabilitation.”

  While Tammy had been speaking, Nipplebaum had deftly slipped out of her uniform, and had pulled off her bra and then panties. Lying down on her clothes, she beckoned him over with eager gestures. Hadrian whimpered.

  “Captain?” Tammy asked. “Did you say something?”

  “What? No, nothing. I’m thinking.”

  “Hmm, you’ve never taken the time to do that before. What is the situation down there?”

  “Hairy. Surprisingly hairy, in fact.”

  “Hairy trilobites? How unusual.”

  Hadrian clawed at his face and then shook himself. “No, uh, but armed trilobites in their thousands equals ‘hairy’ in my playbook, buddy.”

  “Ah. Oh, before I forget, about those Klang pups … I couldn’t just flash-freeze them in the depths of space, Captain. They remind me of meerkat kits, in a cute sort of way, I mean. But enhanced, of course. Why, if I didn’t know better—”

  “Cut it out, Tammy,” Hadrian snapped. “The Klang are enhanced meerkats, and just imagine the idiot
alien species that thought that was a good idea!”

  “Well, so TWITA stated in that not-so-secret secret file.”

  “Genetically confirmed, Tammy. Meerkat DNA mixed up with Radulak TNA. Anyway, so you couldn’t kill them. That’s very cuddly of you. But if you’re telling me they’re still on my ship—”

  “Displaced onto the planet you happen to be on, actually. But a different continent, you’ll be relieved to hear.”

  “So much for the ecological preserve crap, huh?”

  “Well, yes, we both know that was, as you Terrans would say, bogus.”

  Nipplebaum was now slithering across the floor toward Hadrian. He decided that this was somewhat alarming. “So what’s really going on with this planet, Tammy? Are the Klang breeding an army of ground troops or not?”

  “They are, just not particularly well.”

  There was a knock on the silo door and Hadrian said, “Come in.”

  Printlip was the first into the doorway, jamming fast again. “Uh … uh, uh, upon reaching the final stage of adulthood, Belkri employ sex toys often massing twenty tons and have been known to crushblbblpp…” With a pop, Printlip rolled into the room. The doctor scrambled to its feet, drew a deep squealing breath, and then fixed all its eyes on Nipplebaum. “Oh dear.” The Belkri glanced over at Hadrian. “Ahh, copious perspiration, elevated blood pressure, engorgement of the decidedly unpleasant external sexublllbp…”

  “Get my security officer back under control, will you? And you, Zulu, stop staring at her!”

  Galk was the last officer through. Straightening, he plucked off his baseball cap and wiped his brow, and then nodded at Hadrian. “Captain. We did the circuit. Nothing on the ground, leading me to conclude that the trilobite army saw the light and rightfully concluded that war is stupid, and ran away. Oh, and a shuttle’s coming down.”

  “Yes, about that,” said Hadrian, “give me your weapon, Lieutenant. All of you, stay in here. Tammy? Bring these people up to date on the situation. I’m going out to meet the shuttle.”

  The landing craft was sitting on the plain about thirty meters away. As Hadrian approached, the side iris opened and the gantry slid out and settled to make a ramp.

  Halting twenty meters away, Hadrian raised the Last-Stand Forlorn Hope Mark II high over his head, and then carefully set it down on the ground and stepped over it.

  A knee-high shape appeared in the shuttle doorway, and a moment later the Superchicken emerged on its two sticklike, bright yellow legs. The creature was carrying a marine-issue Multishot Mega-Sawed-Off Splat-Everything, 40 Gauge, in two feathery hands. It flung the weapon to one side and descended the ramp, tiny head bobbing as it drew closer.

  “How about the knife on that belt, too?” Hadrian suggested.

  The Superchicken clucked derisively and unbuckled the rat-hide belt, letting it fall, and then it came closer still, until it and Hadrian were no more than five meters apart.

  Hadrian met the creature’s reptilian eyes and saw in them nothing but the insane malice he had seen earlier. He shivered and then collected himself. “All right,” he said, “let’s parley.”

  The Superchicken nodded rapidly and then said, “Prrock cluck cluck clucluckclrruck.”

  Hadrian scowled. “Tammy, what’s wrong with my e-translator?”

  “Nothing, Captain.”

  “Now that’s a miserable failure of technology, isn’t it? Are you managing any better?”

  “Afraid not, Captain. I can only conclude that the enhancements to the species known as Galus galus did not tweak vocal capabilities. It’s a chicken that talks like a chicken.”

  “Well, that’s just great, isn’t it?”

  “You’ll have to improvise,” Tammy said in a smarmy tone.

  “Fine! I will! Hey, Superchicken! Cluck cluckcluck cluck cluckculculculck!”

  The creature puffed up its plumage. “Cluck cluck prrucklukcluck!”

  “Nocluckfluckin cluckenway,” said Hadrian. “Cluck cluck prrrucklluck!”

  The Superchicken scratched at the ground with both feet, and then swung about and ran back up the ramp in a flurry of feathers, vanishing inside the ship.

  “You perhaps should not have been so insulting,” Tammy ventured.

  A moment later, the Superchicken reemerged, this time dragging the bound and gagged body of Buck DeFrank. “Prlluckuckcluckulkulcluck!”

  “Whatcluckcuckever,” said Hadrian. “Cluckcuckclclcelschushokle, clucuck.”

  The Superchicken spat, and then spun round and raced back inside. The iris closed and with a deep hum the shuttle powered up. Lifting off, the craft swung round and set off with a roar, rapidly gaining in altitude. Moments later it was gone.

  Sighing, Hadrian walked over to Buck. The chief engineer stared up at him, the whites visible around the man’s bulging eyes, his cheeks and eyebrows all spotted with blood. Hadrian slowly shook his head. “You just cost me a shuttle, Buck, and I’m still trying to decide if you’re worth it. I mean, getting kidnapped by a damned chicken.” He crouched and pulled down the gag from the man’s mouth.

  Buck coughed and then said, “Sorry, Captain. I was working on the shuttle modifications Tammy had done—trying to figure it all out—and then wham! Back of the head and I’m out. Came to when we were blasting down through the atmosphere. That thing tried to peck my eyes out! Clucking like mad all the while!”

  “It was interrogating you, Buck,” said Hadrian. “Did you tell it anything vital to fleet security?”

  “Well, I … uh, you have to understand! I mean—that beak! Those hellish eyes!”

  “Buck!”

  “I spilled everything!” the chief engineer wailed. “I’m sorry! All the codes! Fleet patrol routes, designated hot points, mine deactivation codes, encryption keys, my bank account!” He thrashed in his bindings. “Arrest me, Captain! Put me in chains! Send me back to Earth—I need to be court-martialed! Thrown out, locked up, mind-probed, rehabilitated!”

  “Calm down, Buck. The damned thing couldn’t understand a thing you said.” Then Hadrian’s eyes narrowed on the man. “Unless you spoke Chickenese. You didn’t, did you? Did you speak Chickenese?”

  “I’m sorry!” Buck shrieked.

  Hadrian untied the man and dragged him to his feet. “Tammy?”

  “Yes Captain?”

  “What kind of modifications did you do on the shuttle?”

  “Oh, this and that. Hyperactuated the drive. Some decent beam weapons, that kind of stuff. You know, tinkering.”

  “You ultraequipped an Engage A-class shuttle, just in time to see it stolen by a Superchicken? A Superchicken that happens to have all the Affiliation security codes? What kind of pangalactic death wish are you indulging in right now, Tammy?”

  “I said I was sorry!”

  “No you didn’t!”

  “Really? Let’s spool back, shall we?… Okay, fine, I apologize.”

  “Now we’re going to have to hunt that bird down.”

  “Well, if you negotiate an alliance with the Klang, you might get an Axe-class warship to join in the hunt.”

  “Right, and why not have them throw in a Chopping Block–class vessel while they’re at it?”

  “I was not awa—oh, isn’t that funny. Ha ha.”

  Hadrian slapped Buck on the back. “Don’t worry, we’ll make soup out of that bird soon enough. Come on, then, everyone else is in the silo, hiding from trilobites. Personally,” he added as he collected up both the marine shotgun and the Mark II, “I don’t think we really need to worry overmuch about the Klang experiment under way here on this planet, although I’ll fire off a report to Affiliation, just to be sure.”

  Buck shook his head. “Captain, you’re not arresting me?”

  “Of course not. To be honest, I can’t imagine anyone being able to withstand chicken interrogation techniques, all things considered.”

  They reached the silo and Hadrian kicked at the door. “Come on out everyone! We’re returning to the ship.” He smiled at Bu
ck. “We’ll get Doc to patch you up in no time.”

  “More drugs, too?”

  “Of course. Bags of ’em. You’ll see.”

  Printlip nattered its way back out through the doorway, and a moment later Zulu and then Nipplebaum—fully clothed once more—emerged, with Galk coming out last.

  Nipplebaum stepped up to Hadrian. “Captain, I’m so sorry! I don’t know what happened to me. I’m afraid I’m a bit of a lush when, uh, inebriated. Am I on report now?”

  “Not at all, Nipplebaum,” replied Hadrian, who then turned to Zulu. “Even Zulu’s pathetic collapse into a gibbering fool won’t go into the report. After all, it was your first ground mission for both of you. One must make allowances.”

  Zulu straightened to sharp attention, “Sir, I will be sure to leave behind my rapier next time, and carry a more suitable weapon.”

  “Good idea, Zulu.”

  “I was thinking, a Jute throwing axe, sir.”

  “Outstanding. You can be confident that the first opportunity we have to loot and pillage, I’ll make sure to have you at my side, Zulu.”

  The man beamed. “Thank you, sir! I won’t let you down!”

  “Tammy?”

  “Captain?”

  “Displace us back to the ship.”

  They reappeared in the Insisteon room. Both Sweepy Brogan and Sin-Dour were on hand to meet them.

  “Ship Status, 2IC?” Hadrian demanded, stepping down off the pad.

  “We’re tracking the shuttle, Captain. It seems unduly fast for such a vessel, sir, but we should be able to catch it without much trouble.”

  “Tammy? Those tweaks to the shuttle engines?”

  “Yes, Hadrian?”

  “You didn’t tack on a T drive by any chance, did you?”

  “Don’t be ridiculous,” Tammy answered. “Although I did install a prototype system hopper that I was working on for my yacht. While theoretically sound, I was short on parts, but now that I have your engineering capabilities, why, I was able to assemble the device, which I have decided to call the Wynette enfolding subspace liminal entropic Y drive—”

  “What, a WESLEY drive? Tammy, that’s the most obnoxious name I’ve ever heard, for anything.”

  “I happen to like it!”