by Angel Devlin
She took another sip of water.
"Sundays were family day. Your dad would never work then and we'd load up the van and pile in and go watch Finn playing football and then we'd take off somewhere. I was so damn tired because it was something else I had to organise. Picnics, sports stuff. One time I feigned a migraine and stayed home, and I'm sorry, but I fucking loved it. I had a bath. I read a magazine. I had time with no one wanting a piece of me. I started to get more 'headaches' as the weather got nicer and I started gardening. I loved being in the fresh air on my own."
Alice's eyes were staring into space. She was talking to us but lost in the past.
"I was there one day when Dan Dawson said hi. I said hello back like you do. It was polite. He told me I didn't look old enough to have six children and I assured him that when I was in the midst of parenting I looked sixty. He laughed and said if I ever needed something to take the edge off to let him know. I was horrified. I didn't do drugs. He asked me if I drank coffee and Coca-Cola and I said how else did he think a mother survived. He shrugged and said what he had wasn't really much different to that."
She turned back to Jules and then looked at me. "I politely declined of course." Scrubbing a hand over her face, she added, "If only I'd have kept my resolve."
"Were you attracted to him though, back then? Had you imagined sleeping with him?" Jules asked.
Alice shook her head. "I thought he was attractive, but I loved your father and had six children. I was too busy and too tired to think he'd be interested in me in that way. I just thought he was trying to make money from a tired housewife. Then your dad started working Sundays too because the work was piling up. I told him family was more important than money and we started arguing then, because he said that was all well and good but we'd had six kids and they needed clothes and shoes and that Silas' eighteenth birthday was approaching and he wanted to get him driving lessons and a car. And I saw then that this was never going to change. Because the year after that Ezra would be eighteen, and so on. My life would be a repeat of being stuck at home doing everything for everyone else while my husband was absent because he didn't feel there was a choice. The large family I'd wanted so I could have a house full of love became a prison of my own making. I loved you all, but I didn't love all the washing and ironing and meal making and lack of gratitude. The teenage rants where I'd hear I was hated, that I didn't understand, that I was a shit parent."
Her eyes met ours again. "I know it's normal, but when you're exhausted from running around after everyone and no one seems to even notice you're there anymore, it hurts. So the next time I saw Dan I asked him to hook me up. And on a Sunday after tea, I said I had a headache and I needed fresh air and Dan picked me up and gave me pills. And I felt energised. It became a regular thing that I'd have a walk on my own on a Sunday evening, except I didn't, I met Dan. Things progressed there and then one day he and the life he offered was my escape from the life I led."
"So you just fucked off," Jules spat out.
"I wasn't thinking all that clearly. I was always spaced out. Everything was amazing, amplified by the drugs. Even a fallen leaf held me in its rapture. Until I found out I was pregnant again."
"Why didn't you get rid of him then?" Jules queried.
"Because I loved being pregnant. Loved the kick of life, the baby growing in my stomach. I ditched the drugs, got clean. Dan did his best to clean up his own act. He started talking about our new life. Me, him, and our baby. How maybe this was a happy accident. Eli was born and Dan was enraptured. I felt numb. I felt nothing for him whatsoever. I'd thought it was the drugs I'd been on, but I found out later on that it was post-partum depression. Not that it would have made any difference. Dan talked of more kids when Eli was only hours old. All I could think was if I'd wanted to stay in the drudgery of bringing up children, I wouldn't have walked out on my first family. So I left this one too. I just walked out on everything and started again somewhere else with a new name and fake documents. I got treatment for the depression. After another stint of drug abuse I got treatment again and this time I stayed clean. I got sterilised. Then I spent my time doing everything I ever wanted to do. I did a course in horticulture. I set up my own gardening business. Not anything grand, but I got enough word of mouth to pay my bills. I was happy for the first time in a long time.”
“Because no one was wanting your attention?” I snorted.
Alice ignored me and carried on. “I started to get extreme fatigue. Which I battled on with and ignored. By the time I found out what it was, the cancer. It had progressed. They call it the silent killer and they were right. And that's when I decided that I'd visit my rich son, because if anyone could pay for the treatment that might save my life, it was him."
"Did you want to see us?" Juliet asked. "Did you miss us?"
"Every single day." Alice said and tears slipped down her face. "But I didn't want to come back and have to be a mum. I just didn't have it in me. I loved you all. I do love you all. But I didn't want to be responsible for any of you anymore. I just couldn't be that person."
And there it was.
The story of Alice and how she'd birthed seven children but loved herself more than any of them. I for one, had heard enough.
"Tomorrow I'll find you a place of your own nearby. I'll put in any services you need. But I can't be around you. You disgust me."
Alice nodded. "That's okay. I already told you I'm just here to provide the answers. That's all."
I looked across at Juliet. Her eyes were filled with tears.
"Do you know what it's like to be seven, and to get up in the morning waiting for your mum to fix your breakfast and your hair and then your daddy comes in and his eyes are red and look like little dots in his face and he tells you that mummy doesn't live here anymore? That she's gone to live somewhere else and we all have to try to be strong. But if we need to cry, he'll be there, anytime we like."
The tears now ran off her chin with speed.
"And he was. Even though he worked a lot, and Silas and Ezra had to step up to help with the school runs and stuff; if we ever needed him, he stopped what he was doing and he was there," her voice began to rise, "and if you'd have told him the truth, I know that he would have stopped what he was doing, all the work for the future, and he would have been there for you too. He'd have sacrificed the cars and lessons for the family of the present. To keep us together. But I think you knew that, so you didn't say a word and just looked out for your own damn fucking self, so you could blame Dad for the fact you left. You could tell yourself it was because you were downtrodden and hard done to. You fucking chose to have six children. Eli might have been a careless addition, but you chose to have the six of us. Mothers do sacrifice a fucking shedload for their kids. That's life."
"No disrespect, Juliet, but you haven't had any children yet."
"And why do you think that might be, Mother? Why do you think I run a mile from relationships, and I'm scared of settling down, huh? Because I'm shit fucking scared I'll turn into you." She was screaming and crying now, and I grabbed hold of my baby sister and hugged her tightly.
"Pack your things. I'll send you to a hotel. I can't bear to see you for another second," I told Alice. She stood up and went to walk out of the room. "I'll be available if you have any more questions. Until I'm not." She left the room and I sat back down on the sofa, dragging my sister down with me and I let her sob until her eyes were sore and her breath hitched.
In some ways, although I hated to see my sister like this, it was the first time her true emotions about everything had come out. We knew we had a hard time with forming relationships because of what Alice Waite had done, but this loud declaration of Jules' fear that she might turn into Alice and repeat the process—that was something I'd not heard her say before.
"You will never be like her, Jules. Never. Don't let what she did stop you from searching for love and to have a family if that's your true desire." I stroked the top of my sister's head. "Because if
you give up and block yourself off then she's continuing to ruin your life and you can't give her that power, Jules. You can't."
As my sister continued to sob and sniffle it just re-affirmed to me that it was time for me to win the heart of Lisa McKenzie once and for all, because my career was great, but it had been my escape and the thing I'd hidden behind. A different kind of armour to the one my sister wore with her blue hair and piercings, but it was there just the same. Now I was choosing love, and I hoped, a future family. I just had to convince Lisa that this time it was for real.
When Jules finished sobbing, I moved myself, feeling the wetness of her emotion on my shirt. I grabbed Jules some tissues and quickly changed my top. When I came back downstairs, she was splashing her face in the kitchen sink.
I heard footsteps on the stairs and Alice clearly dragging down her case. Maybe it made me a bastard that I didn't help someone so ill, but I stayed by my sister's side. Alice put her head around the door. "I'll be at the Jury's Inn. I've ordered a cab. I'll text the room number when I know what it is. Contact me if you need to. Otherwise, just let me know when you've sorted out my new accommodation."
"Okay."
"I'll wait outside. I could use some fresh air."
I nodded again.
"If I don't see you again, Juliet. I hope I answered your questions, and you can somehow get past what I did. See a therapist maybe? It's not like your brother can't get you a private one quickly. I wish you happiness, daughter, even if that seems insane given how I left you."
"I don't give a flying fuck what you wish for me. GET OUT." Juliet stepped forward. "I said GET OUT."
The beep of a car horn came from outside. "That'll be me." She turned around.
"Yeah, you have a habit of causing your children deep distress and leaving in strange people's cars," I called out behind her.
She huff-laughed and walked out of the room, the door banging behind her. We stayed in silence until the taxi's engine noise faded into the distance, and then fresh tears ran down Juliet's face.
"I hate her. She's dying and I don't want to, but I hate her," she admitted.
"I feel the same way, Jules. We will all get through this." Once more I hugged my sister close and stroked her hair. "We survived her before, and we'll do it again. Only this time," I put my hand under my sister's chin and lifted it up so her red-rimmed eyes faced me. "We choose love. We get brave and we try for our happy ever afters, even if we get hurt in the process. We can't keep letting her affect us to the point we sabotage everything. Milo's managed it, and now Callum. We need to find a love that can help us heal and move forward, Juliet." I smirked. "Maybe you'll have to give Quinn a chance after all."
She stood up straight and backed away a little, so my arms returned to my sides. Then she wiped her eyes on the back of her hands and sniffed. "He's a fucking gardener. That's what she did. Tended gardens and couldn't tend her own family."
"Quinn is not Alice Waite, sis."
She walked back to the sink to grab more tissue and wash her face again. When she turned back, her mask was firmly back in place; well, it looked that way.
"I'm going to go home now, Ez. Thank you for being here. I really needed you here." She strode over to the door and I followed her, standing behind as she began to walk down the path. Then she turned back. "You're not going to leave again soon, are you? Are you staying, for a while?"
"I hope I'm staying here forever." I smiled. "But if things don't work out with Lisa and I, then I'll stay until you say I can leave. Sound good?"
"Yeah." She smiled and she walked away.
I closed the door and headed back to the bottle of whisky.
Chapter Eight
Lisa
31 December 2016
To the independent observer, at first glance it would appear that our get-together was a happy, joyous occasion. Everyone was sitting at the dinner table where I'd cooked the most amazing steak and been congratulated for my cookery skills.
But when you looked closely, you'd see Ezra watching me intensely. You'd see me trying not to look at him at all.
"Ooh, it's so lovely when the son sleeps and I get to enjoy an uninterrupted, actually hot dinner." Bron said, patting her stomach. "That was just simply amazing. Why are you not working in a restaurant?"
"I like where I work," I said simply.
"Well, your talents are wasted, sis," my brother added.
"I for one am pleased Lisa didn't go find a job somewhere else, or we might never have met, and then this wouldn't have happened." Dale grabbed hold of my hand and lifted it. Once more the light bounced off the diamond.
"So, the summer of 2018 is when my sister will become Mrs Lisa Hunter."
"Excuse me, I need to take a leak. Where's the bathroom?" Ezra announced, having pushed back on his seat so fast I was surprised he didn't have whiplash.
When he was gone, my brother turned to us.
"I couldn't believe it when I saw my best mate sitting in the living room. Thanks for doing that, making it a surprise. I've been desperate for him to see Jackson."
"It was all Dale. I'm afraid I'd have ignored him and left him to get in touch with you. I mean he already didn’t bother for the first two years of his life."
"Hey, my best mate's a top lad. Just because he used to torment you when you were younger about you being a swot." George engaged Dale back in the chat. "Always sitting at the kitchen table that one with her head in a book. She did great in her exams. She should be doing more with her culinary skills."
"She can speak for herself. I'm staying where I am. I'm happy there. Why try to fix something that's not broken?"
"Because maybe you're just comfortable where you are and you're taking the easy lane, instead of taking a chance in another direction?" Ezra said, entering the room again and taking his seat. "Maybe sometimes it's not broken, it's just not your right path."
"Leave the poor woman alone." Bron pleaded. "I'm so sorry, Lisa. I was just trying to compliment you on this fabulous meal because my talents are not in the kitchen."
"Yeah, yours are in another room entirely," my brother winked. "That's why we're already on baby number two."
Everyone laughed. "Right, I'll go get the dessert and make some hot drinks. What's everyone want?"
I listened to everyone until I had no choice but to turn my attention to Ezra.
"I tell you what. I'll come help you. I feel like I should contribute in some way and I'm useless at washing dishes."
I didn't trust him not to say what was on his mind at the dinner table if I refused, so I nodded instead and picking up dinner plates, I walked into the kitchen.
I was scraping the remnants of dinner into the kitchen bin when Ezra walked in with more. "Just put them on the side. I'll deal with them," I told him dismissively.
"Do you love him?" he asked me outright.
"Yes, I do," I answered honestly.
It wasn't the answer Ezra had wanted to hear.
He picked a plate up and threw it at the floor. Food and shards of ceramic scattered across the lino.
I walked to the door. "It's okay. Just dropped something," I yelled to the others and I walked back to the kitchen worktop where I filled the kettle and began busying myself organising mugs. I pointed to the kitchen roll and a dustpan and brush for Ezra to clean up the mess he'd made.
I stared down at him on the floor while he brushed bits into the dustpan. "Did you expect I'd just join a convent or something, Ezra?" I asked him. "You know, while you dated Hollywood starlets and showed them off on red carpets."
"That's all fake shit."
"There’s always an excuse with you."
He paused what he was doing. "I don't know what I thought would happen. Just that one day it would be you and me, forever," he said.
My heart cracked as if he'd thrown it on the floor too.
"You cannot come to my house and say that to me."
"Too late. I already said it. I can't stand it, Lisa. The fact you wear his rin
g. The fact you might scream his name as your pussy clenches around his cock."
"Stop it."
"That you are going to walk down the aisle of a church and vow forever and ever." He stood up and stalked towards me until he was inches from my face. "You can take his surname, Lisa, but we both know that your heart is, was, and always will be mine."
His mouth came down on mine in a searing, bruising kiss until the shock subsided and I pushed him away from me.
"You need to leave. If you don't, I'm going in there to tell my fiancé and my brother that you just kissed me and see which of them kills you first."
"You know where I am when you realise you're with the wrong man," he said. He walked out of the door and I thought he was leaving our house, but when I walked in with the first of the desserts I'd made—a deep, dark chocolate fondant—he was just finishing his goodbyes as he stood cuddling my now awake nephew. It was another hammer blow. Ezra standing with a toddler that looked like my brother, looked like me. Made me imagine a baby that was mine and Ezra's when I should have been imagining having my fiancé’s.
He left and I carried on with the charade of the evening, glad to see the end of that year fade, so I could start a brand-new year with Dale.
But that wasn't how it went.
My brother and sister-in-law had left immediately after the firework display from Big Ben. I removed my make-up, brushed my teeth and crawled into bed.
Dale was sat leaning against the headboard.
"When I heard the plate drop, I came to see what was happening, make sure that you were okay. When you shouted everything was fine, I turned around, but then, something, maybe it was your past with him, made me turn back."
