Beautifully Hurt (Beautifully Broken)

by Michelle Heard

  “It’s okay, baby,” Eli murmurs. “I’ve got you.”

  My breaths explode from me, my eyes wide with the horror of what I remember.

  ‘Think you’re too good for the likes of me, bitch?’

  ‘It wouldn’t have killed you to put out. Unlike now.’

  I gasp as the realization hits. They came to the Conleys because of me.

  “They came to the Conleys because of me,” I whimper as my heart splits right down the middle. “Maybe if I had gone home, it would’ve just been me.”

  Eli quickly frames my face and forces me to look at him. “No, Quinn. Don’t even go there. It’s not your fault.”

  “But… but…” I sputter as a sob tears through me.

  “No,” Eli says again, his voice tense. “You are not responsible for what those bastards did. There’s nothing you could’ve done to stop what happened.”

  Pushing myself onto my knees, I throw my arms around Eli’s neck. I hold onto him with all my strength as the unforgiving wall that’s been keeping everything inside me breaks.

  Eli holds me while the uncontrollable tears flow. I burrow deeper against him, needing to surround myself with his warmth and scent. When I’m close to him, the darkness isn’t all that dark.

  He presses a kiss in my hair and asks, “Don’t you think it would be better if you saw Dr. Altman again?”

  “No.” I snap, pushing away from him.

  Scooting off the bed, I get up and walk away from him.

  “I’m worried, Quinn,” he says as he comes after me. “You don’t talk about what happened. Tonight’s the first time in almost a month. You’re keeping it all bottled up inside you.”

  I stop and spin around, just needing him to back off.

  “You think it’s best for me? To keep dredging the nightmare up and repeating it over and over?” When Eli gets close to me, my arms dart up, and I shove him.

  He grabs at my hands, and it’s only then I realize I just lashed out at Eli, and he’s only trying to help.

  Oh, my God.

  “Eli,” I whisper. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to take it out on you.”

  It feels like I’m going to explode on the inside, and no one will know about the devastating chaos left inside of me.

  “Baby,” Eli whispers. He sounds as broken as I feel as he leans down to catch my eyes. “I just want what’s best for you. If you don’t want to talk to Dr. Altman, then talk to me, or talk to my mom. I don’t care who you talk to, as long as you get it out. Tell me what you’re feeling right now. Just let it out. Don’t keep it in and let it eat away at you.”

  “It’s hard,” I whisper.

  Eli lets go of my hands as he steps closer to me. “I know, baby.”

  I close the last of the distance between us and press my face into his chest, and then I admit, “When I’m with you, I can almost pretend none of it happened. I almost feel normal, and it makes me feel guilty. How can I move on while Katie’s dead? How can I be happy when she lost everything.”

  Eli pulls back and frames my face. “It’s normal to heal, Quinn. It doesn’t mean you’re going to forget Katie.”

  “It just feels wrong that I survived.”

  He wraps me up in his arms again. “It’s normal to feel survivor's guilt.”

  “I still see Katie in my dreams,” I admit.

  Eli presses a kiss to my hair. “Do you talk to her?”

  I nod.

  “Good. Maybe that’s how you’re dealing with the trauma. You’re talking to the one person you shared all your secrets with.”

  Eli’s words sink in, and it loosens something inside me that felt like it was going to snap at any moment.

  “Thank you for being patient with me,” I whisper.

  “Always.” He tugs at my hand, and we walk back to bed.

  “I’m sorry I woke you,” I say as I climb back beneath the covers.

  “Don’t worry about it. I want you to wake me whenever you need me.” Eli lies down beside me then pulls me into his arms.

  Feeling too guilty, I haven’t been able to relish in moments like these.

  I’m really going to have to do something. I’m going to have to talk to someone other than Katie.

  Chapter 15

  ELI

  I don’t know if I’m just overly hopeful, but I think I got through to Quinn.

  Standing outside the hardware store, my eyes go to where The Green Leaf used to be. The store has been standing empty since everything was cleared out.

  So fucking sad.

  Sometimes I catch myself glancing at the store, thinking I’m going to see Quinn and Katie laughing behind the counter.

  Thinking of Quinn, I take my phone from my pocket, but then I remember she’s spending the day with my mom, and I tuck it away. Hopefully, the time with Mom will do her some good.

  My phone begins to ring, and I pull the device out again. Seeing Mr. Drake’s name flashing on my screen, I answer, “Hey, how are things on the road?”

  I’ve been giving Quinn’s dad updates about her so he wouldn’t worry. He told me to call him Josh, and I’m still trying to get used to it.

  “I’m making good time and should be home next Tuesday. How’s Quinn holding up?” Josh asks.

  “Better. She talked to me last night, and she’s spending the day with my mom,” I tell him. “I think she’s starting to open up about what happened.”

  “That’s good to hear.” He clears his throat. “What are we going to do when I’m back home? I’ll only be in town for a week.”

  A fist tightens around my heart. “You want her to come home?”

  “I’m not sure if moving her up and down will be such a good thing. I don’t want to disturb her routine, especially if she’s starting to make some progress.”

  I let out a relieved breath. “You’re welcome to stay at my place.”

  He lets out a chuckle. “I might be okay with my daughter living under your roof, but I sure as hell don’t want to see her sleeping in your bed.”

  A burst of awkward laughter explodes from me. “I treat Quinn with respect, Josh. It’s safe to visit with us.”

  “I’ll crash at my own place. It’s been standing empty for too long. I’ll spend the days with Quinn.”

  “Okay, whatever you’re comfortable with.”

  “I spoke with Harry,” Josh mutters. “He says there’s still nothing new on the case.”

  I feel Josh’s frustration as I say, “Yeah, it’s killing me as well.”

  “Protect, Quinn. Please.”

  “With my life,” I promise.

  We end the call, and tucking the phone back in my pocket, I walk into the store.

  Minutes later, Ethan comes in. “Hey.”

  I lean against the counter as I smile at my brother. “You’ve been quiet.”

  “No.” He shakes his head as he comes to stand next to me, also leaning back against the counter. “You’ve just been busy.” Ethan’s eyes lock on mine, then he asks, “How are you holding up?”

  “I’m good.”

  “Really?” he asks, his eyes sharpening on me. “You took on one hell of a responsibility by agreeing to take care of Quinn.”

  I shove Ethan with my elbow. “You make it sound like I took in someone’s dog. Quinn’s my girlfriend.”

  “You were only dating two weeks when shit went down, Eli.”

  Crossing my arms over my chest, I scowl at my brother. “What the fuck does that have to do with anything?”

  Ethan shrugs. “I’m just saying, this relationship went from zero to two hundred real fast.”

  “Actually, it didn’t. If anything, it hit pause.” Ethan’s eyebrow shoots up, and it has me explaining, “Quinn’s in no state to deal with a relationship. I haven’t even kissed her since the attack.”

  “Fuck,” Ethan exhales. “That’s got to be rough.”

  “Yeah, but what I want doesn’t matter right now. Once Quinn’s better, I’ll pick up where we left off.”

&nbs
p; “Mom says it can take months if not years. You gonna wait that long?” he asks.

  “I’ll wait as long as it takes. I’m not bailing on Quinn just because things are hard.”

  “Fuck,” he breathes, shaking his head. “I hope I’ll be able to do the same if I ever find myself in the same position.”

  “I’m sure you will,” I murmur. “When you meet the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with, you’ll move heaven and earth for her.”

  “The Jackson men’s curse,” Ethan chuckles.

  “It’s not a curse, little brother,” I say as I push away from the counter. “If anything, it’s given my life purpose.”

  Ethan’s eyes lock with mine again. “Sounds a lot like you love Quinn.”

  I stare at him as I sift through my feelings. I might not have a normal relationship with Quinn, but the woman she used to be is always in the back of my mind. Also, seeing her battle her way through the trauma has made me admire her.

  She’s just hurting right now. I’m sure with time, I’ll get some of the old Quinn back.

  Still… love?

  It’s only then I realize, whether I get the old Quinn back or a new version of her once she’s healed, I still want her.

  I’ll always want Quinn, no matter if she’s hurting or happy.

  “Yeah, I love her.”

  QUINN

  Nina gets up from the chair, where we’re sitting in her kitchen. “Let’s take a walk. I want to show you something.”

  “Okay.” Rising to my feet, I follow her out of the house. We walk in silence through the trees behind the property and keep going until we reach the beach.

  “Take off your shoes,” she says as she kicks her sandals off.

  When I’m barefoot, Nina takes my hand and pulls me into the water. It’s freezing, and I wiggle my toes as goosebumps rush over my skin.

  “Oh shit, it was much warmer the last time I did this,” she chuckles.

  I smile at her reaction to the cold water.

  “Besides the freezing cold, what do you feel?” she asks.

  I frown as I glance at her. “Water? It’s wet?”

  She nods. “It still feels the same, right? The feel of the water hasn’t changed.”

  “Yeah?” I answer, not sure where she’s going with this.

  “Look around you. Did the view change?”

  I look out over the ocean and shake my head. “No, it’s still the same.”

  She pulls me out of the water, and we sit down on the spot where we left our shoes.

  “Southport has seen many hurricanes come and go, but the town still stays the same. Sure it takes a while for nature to recover and for the people to patch everything up, but it doesn’t change the bigger picture.” Nina’s eyes lock with mine. “The same counts for you, Quinn.”

  I glance around us, hearing what she’s saying. “Is that what you did? Patched up what you could?”

  “Yes.” Nina lets out a deep breath. “Alex made it easier for me, though. He showed me it was okay to lean on someone for support.” Nina glances out over the ocean. “Honestly, the real healing only began once I opened up to Alex about my trauma. It’s like he took some of the pain, making it bearable for me to cope.”

  There’s a moment’s silence before I admit, “I don’t want to burden Eli.”

  “You won't burden him, Quinn. Sharing your pain with the person you love is never a burden. That’s what a relationship is, sharing the good and the bad.” Her eyes find mine as she asks, “You’d want Eli to talk to you if he was having a hard time, right?”

  I nod, and then silence falls between us, and I think over everything Nina’s said.

  After a long while, I ask, “How did you get to be so smart?”

  She laughs. “I married Alex.”

  Hearing that makes me chuckle.

  After another couple of minutes, I whisper, “Does it ever get better?”

  Nina swallows hard, sorrow shadowing her features. “I lost my parents when I was eighteen. They were killed.”

  I didn’t expect to hear those words from her, and they shudder through me.

  She takes a deep breath before she continues, “My father and uncle got involved with some terrible people. After my parents were killed, I was forced to run from South Africa. I came here, and I managed to hide for seven years before they found me.” She pauses for a moment, her chin quivering. Somehow she manages to swallow the emotion down. “I blamed myself back then.”

  My eyes are glued to her face, my heart breaking for her as she tells me about her past.

  A wounded look pulls tightly at her features, and for the first time, I see all the pain she keeps buried inside of her as she lets it resurface.

  I scoot closer to her and lifting my arm, I wrap it around her back.

  “I was kept in a container for four days and beaten until… I begged for death.”

  Dear, God.

  “The fourth day was the worst.” Her face tightens with pain. “They raped me.”

  I gasp with shock and can’t keep the tears as they come. “I’m so sorry, Nina,” I whisper, my own pain forgotten for a moment as compassion for Nina fills me.

  “Alex found me the next day and saved me,” she murmurs. “I wouldn’t be here right now if it weren’t for him.”

  Her confession makes me see Alex in a whole new light. He doesn’t seem as scary anymore, but rather a strong force… strong enough to save Nina.

  “Your pain is as real as mine, Quinn. We all deal differently. No experience is the same for any two people. But, I won’t lie, the months afterward were a living nightmare. I couldn’t handle being around people. It took weeks before I felt semi-comfortable with Alex.”

  I rub my hand up and down her back, whispering, “You’re so strong.”

  “It never goes away,” she admits. “I just learned to live with it.” She turns her eyes back to me. “But I can’t remember their faces. The memories are like faded stains now. The sharp edge of pain has been dulled over the years, and it will be the same for you.”

  I nod, believing her.

  Nina turns her gaze back to the ocean. “For a long time afterward, I still gave them the power to hurt me. Whether they were somewhere out there or ten feet under the ground didn’t make the pain any less. Only when I saw the beauty that came from it all did I realize I had to take back control of my own life.”

  “What beauty can ever come from something so horrible?” I ask.

  “Alex. Eli. Ethan.” She smiles, and the pain retreats back to the depths she pulled it from. “I had to go through hell to find my heaven.”

  Unable to stop myself, I hug her tightly. “You’re the strongest person I know.”

  She pulls back and looks at me. “I wasn’t strong back then, Quinn. I only made it because I let Alex in. I had to learn to trust him. I had to make a choice whether I was going to run forever or stay and fight to be with him.”

  It hits me why she shared her story with me. If I want to remain in a relationship with Eli, I’ll have to open up to him.

  I nod, and taking a deep breath, I whisper, “I understand.” Staring at Nina, I hope I can be as strong as her. “Thank you so much for sharing your story with me.”

  She smiles and brushes some of my hair back. “I’ll always be here to talk, Quinn. When things get bad, and they will, just remember one thing for me.”

  “What?”

  “People will come into your life, and they will hurt you. It’s up to you whether you’re going to give them the power to destroy the rest of your life. Are you going to let them win, or are you going to fight back and reclaim your life?”

  Her words feel freeing. I grab her to me and hug her tightly as I say, “I’m going to fight back and reclaim my life.”

  “That’s what I was hoping to hear,” she chuckles as she holds me.

  Chapter 16

  ELI

  Since last week, Quinn’s been so much better. Mom told me she and Quinn had a heart-to
-heart moment. I don’t care who Quinn talks to, as long as she talks to someone, but I’m grateful it’s Mom.

  Quinn hasn’t been as withdrawn since she and Mom talked, and she’s been baking up a storm. I’m now selling cupcakes at the hardware store, as well.

  After showering, I walk into the kitchen, the aroma of bacon filling the air.

  “What are you making?” I ask as I grab a bottle of water from the fridge, my eyes drifting over Quinn.

  “I’m just going to put bacon on some bread and sprinkle cheese over it, then shove it in the oven for a couple of minutes.”

  “Sounds good.” I take a sip of the water before mentioning, “Your princess-themed cupcakes are selling fast. I think all the dads are stopping by the hardware store for their daughters.”

  Quinn chuckles as she glances at me. “Really? You’re not eating them all?”

  “I may have a sweet tooth, but I can only handle so much sugar.”

  Quinn stops placing strips of bacon on the slices of bread, giving me a surprised look. “They’re really selling?”

  “Yeah.” My eyes lock with hers. “You might want to consider opening a store.”

  She instantly shakes her head. “Nah, I just bake for fun.”

  I decide to let the idea go for the moment, not wanting to pressure Quinn.

  I watch her as she continues to make the grilled cheese sandwiches, and when she catches me staring, her cheeks flush a soft pink.

  My heartbeat instantly speeds up as I get a glimpse of the girl I fell in love with.

  “You’re staring,” she whispers.

  “Can you blame me? There’s a beautiful woman in my kitchen.”

  The corner of her mouth lifts while the pink on her cheeks deepens in color. Just as she starts to look self-conscious, I move closer to her and brushing my knuckles over the curve of her cheek, I whisper, “I’ve missed this.”

  “Me blushing up a storm?” she asks.

  “Yeah. I love it.” I move my fingers to beneath her chin and turning her face to me, I press a tender kiss to her mouth. Keeping my lips to hers, I take a deep breath of her before I pull back. “I’ll set the table.”