Hold My Hand

by M. J. Ford

  M.J. FORD

  Hold My Hand

  Copyright

  Published by Avon an imprint of

  HarperCollinsPublishers Ltd

  1 London Bridge Street,

  London, SE1 9GF

  www.harpercollins.co.uk

  First published in Great Britain by HarperCollins Publishers 2018

  Copyright © M.J. Ford 2018

  Cover photographs © SuperStock / Getty Images / Henry Steadman

  Cover design © Henry Steadman 2018

  M.J. Ford asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work.

  A catalogue copy of this book is available from the British Library.

  This novel is entirely a work of fiction. The names, characters and incidents portrayed in it are the work of the author’s imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events or localities is entirely coincidental.

  All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, down-loaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins.

  Source ISBN: 9780008258825

  Ebook Edition © March 2018 ISBN: 9780008258832

  Version 2018-02-21

  Table of Contents

  Cover

  Title Page

  Copyright

  Yarnton, Near Oxford, July 26th, 1987

  Chapter 1

  Chapter 2

  Chapter 3

  Chapter 4

  Chapter 5

  Chapter 6

  Chapter 7

  Chapter 8

  Chapter 9

  Chapter 10

  Chapter 11

  Chapter 12

  Chapter 13

  Chapter 14

  Chapter 15

  Chapter 16

  Chapter 17

  Chapter 18

  Chapter 19

  Chapter 20

  Chapter 21

  Chapter 22

  Chapter 23

  Chapter 24

  Chapter 25

  Epilogue

  Acknowledgements

  About the Author

  Keep Reading …

  About the Publisher

  Yarnton, near Oxford, July 26th, 1987

  Somewhere, a girl was screaming, but the sound died on the air and became wild laughter. Josie spotted Kim and Bec by the Twisters the moment they were through the main gates, and started tugging at her brother’s hand.

  ‘Stay close,’ said Paul, breathing two jets of smoke through his nostrils. He’d lit up the first ciggy as soon as Dad’s car was out of sight, and finished it in the queue. Josie didn’t get smoking at all – she’d had a puff on one once and it had almost made her chuck.

  Dad had made her promise to stay with her brother, but Kim and Bec were only eight too, and she knew their parents didn’t give a monkey’s if they went off on their own. And why should they? What does Dad even think is going to happen?

  She saw Kelly Adams with an ice cream, and waved.

  The circus had been here all week, but tomorrow it was moving on to another town. In fact, there were already patches of discoloured grass, and she guessed some stalls had packed up already. The first few days had been really rainy and there was still the odd muddy puddle on the churned-up ground. The 50p Gran had given Josie was sweaty in her palm. She wondered what it would get her.

  Her brother suddenly stiffened, and Josie saw Helen Smith hanging around with a group of her friends. Everyone said Paul and Helen had done it, and Josie had helped spread the rumour, pretending to know what it was, and feeling slightly special for the respect her brother’s actions conferred upon her. Helen was wearing a denim jacket, and her massive pile of blonde curls spilled over the top.

  Paul threw the cigarette on the ground and twisted the heel of his trainer on top. ‘Come on,’ he said, taking Josie’s hand.

  She resisted. ‘I don’t want to hang round with you and Helen Smith,’ she said.

  Paul hesitated. He looked at his watch. ‘Fine,’ he said. ‘Meet me back here at three o’clock. And don’t you dare tell Dad I left you.’

  Josie nodded. ‘Wicked.’

  Paul smiled at her. ‘Be careful. And don’t talk to strangers!’

  Josie was already running off to where she’d seen Kim and Bec, but they’d moved on. She thought about jumping on one of the spinning cups – it was 10p a go – but stopped herself. She should check everything out first, and spend her money wisely.

  She wandered slowly through the crowds, passing a load of stalls where you could shoot airguns, or throw tennis balls at coconuts, or fish for prizes with plastic rods. There were kids screaming on the dodgems, smashing into each other. In front of the haunted house, a bored man with grey skin and fake blood painted on the side of his face was taking money from the people queuing. Right in the centre of the field was the big top, a massive red-and-white striped tent with flags across two towers and long ropes fixing it to the ground. Josie made her way over to it. A clown on stilts tottered past.

  There were barriers set up outside the big top for queuing, but the gate was closed across the front. A sign outside read ‘Magic and Mayhem’, and there were shows every three hours, but the next one wasn’t until half two. Josie had heard there was a dog that rode a horse, fire-breathing men, and someone who juggled chainsaws. Apparently, on the opening night, Tom Banks from fourth year had volunteered to be cut in two, even though there was a rumour that someone had died in another town and the circus had covered it up.

  As she walked away from the tent, Josie saw a football stall. That was more like it. She hurried over, hand already searching for her money. You had to stand behind a line and chip the ball through different-sized holes at the far end. The lower ones were big, but the top one was barely larger than the ball itself. Teddy bears and sweets hung on the walls either side, ready to be won. One other boy was playing already. Josie thought he was probably about eight too, maybe a bit younger, and he wore a bright red Liverpool shirt from the new season. She’d asked for one like it for Christmas, much to her brother’s teasing. He said they lived nowhere near Liverpool and she was just a glory supporter like the rest of them. He didn’t care that she could name the entire squad, plus their numbers. In the end, it didn’t matter anyway. Her parents had bought her a Man U shirt by accident. Of course, she’d never worn it.

  Josie watched as the boy kicked the ball. It bounced off the rim of the top hole.

  ‘Bad luck, lad,’ said the man running the stall. He had a funny little beard on the tip of his chin, and a crooked nose. ‘You want another go?’

  The boy shook his head. His ginger hair was cut short and he had lots of freckles. His chin was plump, with a cleft down the centre. He looked like he was ready to cry.

  ‘How much?’ said Josie.

  ‘Hello sweetheart,’ said the man, smiling and showing off a gold tooth. ‘Five pence gets you two balls, ten pence gets you five.’

  Josie handed over her 50p. ‘I’ll have five, please.’

  The man dropped her money into his apron and gave her four ten-pence pieces in return. Then he fetched the ball.

  ‘There you go, sweetheart.’

  Josie placed the ball carefully and took a few steps back. The boy had stayed, and was staring intently.

  Her first chip bounced off the board, not even close, and she tried not to let her disappointment show. From the corner of her eye, she saw
the stallholder fold his arms. He didn’t think she could do it – probably because she was a girl. The freckly kid was the same, most likely. She wished he’d get lost.

  I’ll show them …

  Her second shot was even worse, and nearly went over the top. The man tossed the ball back to her.

  ‘Take your time,’ he said.

  Josie knew he was being patronising, so she kicked the ball deliberately quickly. It nearly went through the middle hole! She threw the stallholder a glance to see if he was impressed. He was smiling at her.

  ‘You can do it,’ said the red-headed boy in a small, hopeful voice.

  ‘I know I can,’ she said, and he blushed more than she’d ever seen a person blush before. It was like a switch being flicked that changed the colour of his face completely. For her next shot, she did take it slowly, sucking in a deep breath before she kicked the ball. It arced straight up and dropped through the top ring, barely touching the sides.

  ‘Yes!’ she said, pumping her fist.

  The stallholder was already fetching down one of the huge teddy bears from the top rail of prizes. ‘You could be a pro, I reckon,’ he said. ‘There you go – pretty teddy for a pretty girl.’

  Josie didn’t like the way he said it, or the look on his face.

  ‘I’m with my brother,’ she said, adding, ‘He’s fifteen.’

  She clutched her prize. The stuffed toy was almost as big as she was, and though she was much too old for teddies, that wasn’t the point. She started to walk away.

  ‘Wait up, lass – you’ve got another go.’

  Josie turned back. The stallholder was holding out the ball to her. The ginger boy was hanging back.

  ‘Let him have it,’ she said.

  ‘Thanks!’ called the boy, reddening once more, then eagerly taking the ball.

  Josie stayed and watched as he kicked and missed.

  ‘Tell you what,’ said the stallholder, ‘have a prize anyway.’ He took a lollipop from a jar and handed it over. Josie thought that was very kind.

  Turning away, she spotted Kim and Bec queuing at an ice-cream van and ran over to join them.

  They spent the next hour together. Kim got a Feast, but Bec and Josie went for crushed ice drinks – blue ones, that made their tongues change colour. They tried out the swingboat, throwing their arms in the air as the wind blasted through their hair. Then they went on a bouncy castle, until some bigger boys started being too rough. After a go on the dodgems, and some strawberry sherbets, Josie was down to her last 5p, and there was still an hour before she had to meet her brother again. She wondered if he might give her some more money – even 10p. Paul had a Saturday job helping at a barbers in town and that got him three quid a time. Their parents thought he was saving, but most of it went on cigs. First, though, she needed a wee.

  Kim pointed her past the big top, towards a set of cubicles standing in a row. With all the crowds, the quickest way was through a load of caravans parked up behind the tent. She guessed it was where all the workers stayed, and the people who set up the shows.

  ‘Meet you by the haunted house,’ she said, and headed off.

  Beyond the main circus tent, the ground was boggy, but here and there panels of rubber matting had been laid across patches of mud. Cables snaked between the caravans, and with bin bags and buckets strewn about it wasn’t very nice at all. The caravans themselves looked deserted, their curtains drawn. Josie quickened her step, suddenly thinking she probably wasn’t supposed to be in this area at all.

  As she rounded a wheelbarrow filled with sandbags, a movement to her left made her heart jolt. A huge black and brown dog leapt right at her, only to be snatched back on a chain around its neck. It barked and strained, drool flying from its mouth. Josie normally liked dogs, but she could tell this one wanted to bite her. The caravan door opened, and a young woman in a blue satin dressing gown appeared at the top of some steps.

  ‘Shut it, Tyson!’ she said.

  The dog immediately relaxed, sitting back and licking its lips.

  ‘Sorry,’ said Josie.

  The woman stared hard at her – almost through her, Josie thought.

  ‘You shouldn’t be here,’ she said. Then she went back inside and closed the door.

  Josie’s heart was still racing as she hurried on to the portable toilets. She didn’t want to take her teddy inside, so left it on the grass, hoping no one would take it. The loos weren’t as bad as she expected, but she made sure she washed her hands twice anyway.

  When she came out, there was a small queue forming, and for a moment she found it hard to get her bearings. Which way was the haunted house? Then she spotted the main entrance again, and remembered it had been close to that. She grabbed her teddy and set off, passing the trees that lined the bottom edge of the field, and a shed with a corrugated metal roof that looked like it was falling down. A piece of old farming machinery – something that looked like it belonged on the back of a tractor – lay rusting amid the long grass.

  A flash of red caught Josie’s eye, and she saw the boy from the football game again, but he wasn’t alone this time. Holding his hand was a clown, with red hair almost as bright as the Liverpool shirt. They were walking away, quite quickly, past a leaning bathtub stained with green and brown streaks. The boy was looking up at the clown and saying something, but she couldn’t see the clown’s face to see if he was talking back. And then they were gone, around the corrugated shed and out of sight towards the trees at the bottom of the field. It seemed an odd way to go – there weren’t any rides or anything in that direction.

  Josie stood still for a moment, a strange warm feeling rising from her chest to her throat. She considered going after them, just to check everything was okay, but something kept her feet rooted to the spot. Maybe the clown was his dad, or uncle. And she didn’t have time to hang around anyway. Kim and Bec were waiting for her. She set off once more, and though she thought about looking back, she did not.

  There was no queue at the haunted house, so they used the last of their money to go in together. It was scarier than it looked from the outside. You had to walk through, and it was really dark. Things jumped from the walls, and in one part, a hologram made it look like a witch was peering over your shoulder in front of a mirror. The noises were the worst – creaks, and shuffles and cracks that came from every side. Josie was secretly glad she was with her friends, and gripped the large teddy tightly every time there was another shock. Kim’s scream was so loud that Josie’s ears were ringing as they bundled through the exit doors.

  ‘Dylan?’

  A woman about the same age as Josie’s mum was walking in long strides past the front of the haunted house, calling out.

  ‘Dylan!’

  Her eyes scanned left and right, and her face was flushed. For a moment, her gaze passed over Josie and her friends, paused, then moved on. Josie saw her spot a man sitting at a fold-out table near the entrance. She made a stumbling, darting run towards him, pushing past two teenagers.

  ‘I can’t find my son,’ she said.

  The man, who had a bushy moustache and a ruddy, swollen face, looked taken aback for a moment. ‘No kids have come out this way. How old is he?’

  ‘Seven,’ said the woman. She held out a hand at hip-height. ‘This tall or so. He was wearing a red shirt. I only looked away for a second.’

  The warm feeling blossomed again across Josie’s chest. She felt itchy, her breathing shallow and strange.

  ‘Let’s find your brother,’ said Kim. ‘I really want to try the swingboat!’

  ‘He’s probably having it off in a bush somewhere,’ said Bec.

  ‘Yeah,’ said Josie, vaguely. She was looking at the woman, who broke away from the table and put both hands up to her mouth.

  ‘Dylan!’ she shouted again, her voice panicky.

  ‘He’s probably with his mates,’ said the organiser.

  ‘He hasn’t got any mates!’ snapped the woman.

  ‘Steady on, love. He’ll
turn up.’

  Josie stepped closer to them. She felt tiny. ‘Excuse me,’ she said. ‘I think I might have seen him.’

  The woman turned to her, eyes confused and afraid, then suddenly focused. She advanced quickly and gripped Josie’s shoulders so hard it hurt.

  ‘Dylan? Where? Where did you see him?’

  Josie managed to point to the buildings at the edge of the field. ‘Down there. With the clown.’

  ‘What clown?’ asked the organiser, suddenly interested. He stood up from his seat, and Josie noticed a small patch of his belly showing from the top of his trousers.

  ‘With red hair,’ she said. ‘They were holding hands.’

  The woman released her, and her face moved in a way Josie had never seen before – a sort of crumpling – and she let out a wail that sounded like someone had ripped it from her stomach. She began to run. A few seconds later, the man at the desk waddled after her. Josie stayed where she was, wondering if she’d done the right thing.

  ‘Come on,’ said Kim. ‘There’s nothing we can do.’

  ‘There’s your brother,’ said Bec, and Josie saw Paul carrying Helen Smith on his shoulders, like she was a prize he’d won on one of the stalls. She turned full circle, watching the rides and the games and the flags of the big top flying. She wanted to see a flash of a red Liverpool shirt, just to tell her that the orange-haired boy called Dylan was okay, even though, somehow, she knew he wasn’t.

  Chapter 1

  FRIDAY

  Jo tried to ignore the vibration in her jacket pocket and concentrate on what Dr Kasparian was saying.

  ‘… the cost of the vitrification starts at three thousand pounds for one harvesting procedure, but there are discounted rates for subsequent treatments.’