by Grivante
She kept eyeing him a moment, then took a bite of her candy before changing the subject and glancing around the room. “Hey, have either of you seen Xanadu. He’s not in the kitchen. I thought he might have come in here to protect you two or something.”
“No, I haven’t seen him.” Jonah scanned the room with his flashlight. “When did you last see him?”
JJ turned back to the kitchen. “I’m not sure. Everything after the turkey, er, chicken is kind of blank.” Her head snapped around searching. “Xanadu?!”
The brothers continued casting their lights about, scanning for the small brown dog. No answer came to JJ’s calls, not even the jingle of his collar. The pitch of her voice rose with each repeat of his name. “Xanadu! XanaDU! XANADU!”
Jonah and Judas froze in their tracks and stared at her. She looked at both in turn and then bolted for the back. The brothers took off after her but she was outside and calling for him before they could stop her.
Along the fence two of the zombies stumbled, eyes dark, no specific direction to their mindlessness.
“Xanadu!” JJ spoke in a loud whisper into the shadows.
They joined her, Jonah shushing her and shining his flashlight at the area she searched. She glared at him, then followed the lights beam, looking for her pup.
“C’mon out, boy, you’re worrying momma.” She turned to Jonah. “I’m such a horrible mom. I probably scared him to death when I blasted that chicken.”
“I’m sure he’s here somewhere,” Jonah reassured her.
They scoured the yard for a couple of minutes, but there was no sign of him. JJ became increasingly frantic, even crawling on her knees and peering under the chicken coop. Not finding him there, she stood and shouted in her harshest mommy voice. “Xanadu, get out here now!”
“JJ,” Jonah snapped, “keep it down!”
She spun, fire in her eyes and stared him down. “Don’t tell me to be quiet, my dog—”
A loud coughing fit sounded from the back of the house and they jumped, turning to find Burt slouching against the door jamb, hacking.
Before Jonah could tell him to quiet down as well, a deep groaning, followed by a chorus of others, rose from the fence behind them. He turned and saw one of the roamers leaning over the chain-link fence grasping in their direction. Dark shapes from the shadows moved to join him.
“Dammit,” Jonah grit his teeth. “Get back inside!”
“What about Xanadu?” JJ pleaded.
“Yeah, Jonah, we can’t leave—” Judas started.
“We can’t do anything if we draw the whole horde's attention and end up trapped either.” Jonah grabbed JJ by the elbow, steering her toward the home.
She yanked her arm away and stomped across the lawn to the stairs before stopping and walking quietly inside. Jonah and Judas followed, telling Burt to sit back down.
“I’m sorry guys, I only wanted to help,” Burt said.
“Thank you,” JJ said, staring out to the yard, searching for any sign of movement. “Xanadu, where are you?” she asked under her breath.
The white shape that caught his eye, darted under the porch and disappeared with the roar of the shotgun blast. One thought crossed Xanadu’s mind. CAT!
He tore off after it.
Rocks, dead plants, and pieces of wood littered the underside of the porch. Xanadu came up short, sneezing in the dry dusty environment. Peki-kisses are what his momma calls them when he sneezes and blows snot all over her.
In the corner, a small, thin and hairless shape shivered. Xanadu had never captured a cat before. He really only enjoyed the chase and found they’d outrun him well before he caught up with them. Seeing this one, scared and trembling, having evidently lost most of its hair somewhere, had him perplexed. It wore some type of dark hide.
Xanadu drew nearer, sniffing at the air as a scent he recognized filled his nostrils. Leather. Cow? His eyes popped open, but he couldn’t see well enough. This home had chickens, so maybe they had baby cows? He loved cows. They were more fun to chase than cats, though sometimes they chased back.
The tiny form’s trembling increased as it backed itself further into the corner at Xanadu’s approach. Then it let out a shriek and jumped from the darkness, landing in front of Xanadu!
Yap! Yap! Yap!
A small, pointy-snouted, Chihuahua stood before him, yapping up a storm. It wore a tight black leather jacket with the name ‘Jefe'’ on it and a black spiked collar.
Xanadu sat on his haunches and waited as Jefe' hopped around, barked “Go away, go away. I’m mean, I’m tough!” and generally failed at being intimidating.
“Are you through?” Xanadu asked. (Translated from Canine)
Jefe' stopped mid-bark, his head tilting and pulling back. His legs resumed trembling.
Xanadu let his breath out in a slow stream. “My name is Xian-do. I’m a friend. You’re safe, Jefe'.”
The little dog stood taller on its shaking appendages. “I’m scared. My owners changed into monsters and went out onto the street to eat people. They may come back and eat me.” The trembling spread through his body. “I don’t want to get eaten.”
“Don’t worry. They won’t eat you.”
“How do you know?”
“They don’t usually eat animals.”
“Why not?”
“Don’t know.” Xanadu stood on all fours. “Guess our brains aren’t tasty enough.”
“What? That’s not very nice. I’m sure my brains are super tasty.”
Xanadu’s brow scrunched. “Are you okay?”
“No!” The little dog hopped. “I told you I’m terrified, they’re gonna eat me!”
“I just told you, that’s not gonna happen.”
“But?”
“Jefe', you’re high-strung.”
The Chihuahua skittered around a minute then stared at Xanadu. “How are you so calm?”
“I used to be a Buddhist monk, I’m at one with peace and tranquility. Plus, my mistress kills monsters like what your owners became. She’s a badass, so they don’t scare me.”
“A bubba-gump what? Did you have a species change operation like those humans that smell like boys but look like girls?
Xanadu let out a chuckling bark. “No, nothing like that. It was a bit more mystical.”
“Mist-a-what?” Jefe' spun around in a circle again. “You sure know a lot of big words.”
“Nevermind,” Xanadu shook his head. “Look, I gotta get back to my mistress. I thought you were a cat.”
“Ooh, cats! Growl!” Jefe’s little fangs jutted from under his gums. “I can’t stand ‘em! One lives next door and he’s always making fun of me.”
“A cat?” Xanadu glanced around. “Where?”
“Ooh, let me show you! Follow me!” Jefe' walked further under the porch, Xanadu followed.
“That’s a cool collar you have!” Jefe' said, peering back over his shoulder and making sure Xanadu was behind him.
“Thanks. That’s what they call me these days. Xanadu.”
“Search the house, Judas. See if you can find anything useful. Something we can make explosives with, maybe.” Jonah holstered Brutus and turned to JJ who stared out the window, arms crossed, refusing to look at him.
“Unless we’ve somehow ended up at Nantucket’s house, I doubt we’ll get that lucky,” Judas said and left the room.
“JJ,” Jonah whispered and reached out to touch her. She shifted away. “We’ll find him. He probably just got scared by the shotgun blast.”
She looked at him, eyes sparkling with wetness in the dark, then walked away into the living room. “I need to get to my car.”
“Whoa,” Jonah grabbed her arm. “It’s not safe outside, there’s a bunch milling around the cars. What do you need?”
“I need my phone. I’ve got one of those dog tracking apps on it. There's a tracker attached to his collar. I can use that to find him.” She tugged away from his grasp.
“Ok, ok. That’s great. Let’s figure o
ut how to get out of here without having that Halloween horde surround us, then we’ll get to your car and—”
Her eyes flew wide open. “Oh no,” she pointed out back and Jonah followed her gaze. A dozen green-eyed dead were at the fence. Some falling over it and into the backyard, others could be seen approaching from further away. Pinpricks of fluorescent green coming from everywhere.
JJ turned on Jonah. “How is this happening? And none of your half answers or—”
“Hey, I think I found something we can use,” Judas called from the other room.
“—or interruptions!” JJ finished.
Judas looked outside, seeing the glowing eyes and the approaching dead. “I think there’s something in the garage we can use to get us out of here.”
Jonah spoke to JJ. “We’ll talk as soon as we’re safe. Okay?”
Her eyes flashed and for a moment she wanted to scream, but looking at Jonah’s face, the calm sincerity she found there made her feel secure. She relaxed, nodded and said, “Okay, let’s go see what Judas has got cooked up.”
Part XII - Of Mustaches & Merkhins
Judas led them to the garage. Inside, next to a dismantled jeep, sat four brightly colored adult-sized costumes on a tattered couch. They were fully enclosed foam-padded suits with round, funny looking heads that had different shaped antenna’s sticking off of them and giant silver boxes on their mid-sections.
“What are those?” Jonah’s brow furrowed as he took them in.
“Those are Teletubbies,” JJ said. “That one,” she pointed to a purple costume with a triangle on top of its head “is Tinky-Winky.”
“Say what?” Jonah raised an eyebrow at her. “What’s a Tinky-Winky?”
“Its name. I can’t remember the other names at the moment. It’s a kid’s show. Well, more like an infant show. It’s nonsense stuff. Loud, colorful, keeps the little ones entertained. Back before I had Xanadu in my life, I had a lot of trouble sleeping. I found the program strangely soothing. I recorded a bunch of episodes on my DVR and would play them all night to help me sleep.”
Jonah nodded his head uncertainly. “Ok, so…” he stared at Judas, “how are these gonna help us?”
Judas picked up the one nearest him, a bright green suit with a long straight antenna. “See how thick this is?” He indicated the two inches of padding. “They can’t bite through that easily. We could walk right through a crowd of them without any trouble.”
Jonah nodded slowly, getting the picture his brother painted. “Ok. But what about our weapons? These suits don’t have hands, they're more like mitts.”
“I already checked that. Hopefully, we won’t need ‘em, but we can hold a handgun.” He removed a Glock from his belt holster and slid an arm in. “See, fits perfect. We get into trouble, blam!”
Jonah continued nodding, “But what good does this do us? We’ve still got dozens of dead to deal with and that numbers likely growing by the minute.”
“Oh,” Judas’s face sunk. “I don’t—”
“Wait,” JJ spoke up, a bright smile on her face. “Remember where they’re building the playground at the end of the park where the construction equipment is parked?”
“Yeah,” Jonah nodded.
“Well, I saw a steamroller sitting there. We can use that and flatten them.”
“Yeah, but—” Jonah started.
“The keys are usually just lying around in those things and I know how to drive one.”
“You do?” Judas asked.
“Yep,” JJ grinned. “That, bulldozers, excavators, even a cement mixer.”
Judas chuckled. “You’re always full of surprises.”
JJ smiled back at him. “You know it, Sugar.” She turned to Jonah, who still looked skeptical. “My grandfather owned a construction company, dealt in antiques on the side.” She shrugged. “You have a better plan?"
Jonah took in a deep breath, then let it out shaking his head. “No, I don’t.” He considered for a moment. “But there is the guy with the gun, he—”
“We’ve got our body armor,” Judas hooked a hand under the shoulder and hefted his. “We can stay in front, keep JJ & Burt behind. If we see him, the costumes will confuse him, buy us time to get off the first shot.”
Jonah chewed the side of his cheek, pulled a cigar from his pocket, lit it and along with a cloud of smoke said, “This is a horrible plan, but we don’t have a better one.”
“Gee, thanks, Jonah!” Judas scowled. “You’re not the only one who can come up with plans.”
JJ recognizing the tension between them, twisted and smacked Jonah on the chest. “C’mon, let’s suit up. I get to be Tinky-Winky.” She hefted the purple suit and moved it to a ratty recliner by the dismantled jeep. Next to the recliner sat a box of costume accessories that made her laugh out loud. “If no one wants to be a Teletubbie, there're accessories in this box. Clown noses, vampire teeth, even fake mustaches.” The three men just glanced at her before returning their gaze to the remaining costumes.
“I’m taking the red one,” Jonah said.
“I call green,” Judas said, moving to grab it.
“I guess that leaves me with Laa Laa,” Burt shrugged. Both of the brothers raised their eyebrows at him.
“Huh?” Jonah said.
“That’s its name,” JJ chimed in.
Burt explained. “The yellow one is Laa Laa, red is Po, and green is Dipsy.”
Jonah snorted. “Dipsy?” he kept laughing and smirked at Judas who raised his middle finger in response, making Jonah laugh harder.
“Ok, Po.” Judas joined in the laughter. He turned to Burt. “How’d you know all their names?”
“Oh, I uh,” he shuffled his feet. “I watched some weird stuff on the internet that had them in it.
Jonah lifted his eyebrows and opened his mouth to speak, but JJ beat him to it.
“Like tentacle porn?”
Burt stared at her, cheeks flushing a deep red. “I… uh, no.”
“I saw it on your computer,” she smirked. “Don’t deny it,” then she laughed, “but no worries, I don’t judge. It was kinda hot.”
Burt’s red face spread into a smirk.
Judas, seeing the smirk, smacked him on the shoulder as his own cheeks reddened. “Hey, suit up. We gotta get moving.”
Burt glared at him before a coughing spat left him gasping. Judas turned away, shoulders slumping.
Jonah chuckled at the two of them, then his mouth fell open as he watched JJ slide the teeny cheerleader skirt to the ground and step out of it, leaving her in only her underwear and tight cheer top.
“What are you doing?”
JJ peered up, holding the skirt in her hand and giving Jonah a sideways smile. “What do you mean? I’m changing costumes.”
Judas and Burt looked over, eyes widening at the sight of JJ.
“But…” Jonah stammered. “You won’t have anything on when it’s time to take it off. Do you really want to be running around in your undies killing zombies?”
This drew a chuckle out of Burt.
“Well, now that you put it that way, no. I was changing out of one to put on the other, I hadn’t thought that far ahead.” She paused a moment, thinking. “But, I should probably just go pantiless,” she slipped her thumbs under the band of her underwear, “you know in case I end up dead, I’d rather be found naked than…” When Jonah’s mouth dropped open again, she giggled. “For all your gruff bravado, you’re too easy to shock sometimes.”
Jonah closed his mouth, gritting his teeth.
“Oh c’mon,” JJ laughed some more, putting her hands out in a mea culpa gesture, squishing her breasts together in the process. “If we’re about to die, the least we could do is have fun.” Then something caught her eye and made her grin even wider. She bent over grabbing a small black object from the box marked ‘costume accessories’ and held it to the front of her panties, giggling. “Look, it’s a Merkhin.”
“A what?” Judas asked laughing, swept up in her good
cheer.
“It’s like a hairpiece for a woman’s muffin.” She raised it to her face, “Up here, it’s a mustache, down here,” she lowered it again, “it’s a Merkhin.”
Jonah laughed and shook his head. “JJ you are—”
A loud crash startled them as glass shattered in the kitchen.
“Shit,” Jonah said, grabbing the red costume and opening it. “Suit up. It looks like were dressing up this year.”
“It’s hot in here,” the yellow Teletubbie said to the others.
“Try it with body armor,” Judas grunted from within his own suit. “They need to put fans in these or at least some ventilation.”
“It’s only temporary,” JJ said before sliding the large purple head of Tinky-Winky over her own. “Of course, it helps when you’re in your underwear,” she chuckled.
Jonah waddled out of the garage and into the living room. “I’m able to move better than I thought. Let’s get going.”
The others filed out behind him, each figuring out how to maneuver in the bulky costumes.
“Why couldn’t they have had Stormtrooper outfits or something,” Judas griped. “Stormtroopers busting through a bunch of zombies would be so cool. And I don’t know about yours but this costume smells like ass.”
“That might look cool,” Jonah said, “but we need protection, not style. As much as I hate being in this thing, they can't bite through these. But yeah, they could use a good cleaning, ugg.”
The group made their way into the kitchen where they found a dozen or more freshly dead clawing at the glass. One of them had his hand stuck through a broken pane in the door. Each had green-glowing eyes.
“What’s up with the eye’s?” JJ asked. “What’s that mean? It’s like when those Pakatini zombies had red eyes for Jonah.”
“Someone’s controlling them,” Jonah answered. “Someone who knows we’re in here and wants us dead.”
“Who would want that?” JJ asked, holding her giant purple mitts to her throat.
“A competing zombie extermination service maybe?" Burt asked. "Trying to kill off the competition?"
