Remember Hope

by Ginny Sterling

  It wasn’t long before the wedding cake was cut. There was no malice, no shoving cake in anyone’s face. The duo truly loved and respected each other. John gently put cake in Lily’s mouth and she did the same for him. They each then put a dollop of frosting on their noses and posed for the photographer, kissing. It was picture perfect. Attendants quickly began to serve slices of cake to all of the tables and macaroon cookies to those who wanted them.

  Daisy saw the cake and smiled.

  The wedding cake revealed that it was comprised of golden vanilla sponge cake with marshmallow frosting – Lily’s favorite: Twinkies. It was no wonder! The woman should have had stock in Hostess at this point and she’d been in love with the snack cake since the first time Daisy had shared her treat, in middle school, at the lunch table. Biting into a macaroon, she was surprised to see it was also vanilla flavored.

  “No chocolate, huh?” Ethan asked.

  “What’s your favorite flavor? Is it chocolate?”

  “I like strawberry. The pink reminds me of your cheeks when you blush,” Ethan admitted, picking up her hand and kissing the tip of each fingertip tenderly. Daisy felt her cheeks heat up instantly and saw his grin, knowing he did this on purpose.

  “What’s yours?”

  “Chocolate,” she blurted out, making him smile.

  “Because I said something about it?”

  “That, and it reminds me of your eyes,” she whispered shyly, glancing up through her eyelashes at him. His dark eyes met hers and she couldn’t help but fall into them as he leaned forward towards her.

  “Am I interrupting?” a voice said nearby.

  “Yes,” Ethan said instantly and then looked up to see who’d interrupted them. Swallowing hard, he got to his feet. His former chief was standing there, smiling at them. Daisy stared at the two men as she saw them immediately embrace in a hug. Tears sprung to her eyes as she knew this would tear Ethan up on the inside emotionally.

  Sure enough, she caught little bits here and there as they hugged, talking. Daisy saw Lily coming across the floor and waved. Immediately, Lilly hugged her and they laid a hand on John’s back. Respect for the man surged two-fold as he waited silently for Ethan to get his crutches underneath him after hugging him. Ethan gave a jerky nod and Daisy saw his eyes were bright with unshed tears. Quickly, Daisy wrote down Ethan’s cell number on a napkin and shoved it into his hand.

  “Your number,” Daisy whispered encouragingly.

  Ethan nodded at her, smiling gratefully for the reminder. He held the folded napkin out to John. This wasn’t the right place or time. This was John’s wedding and Ethan didn’t relish the idea of breaking down in front of everyone. He could only hope he was strong enough to keep it all together.

  “Let’s talk sometime, please.”

  “I’d like that. We’ll get coffee and reconnect.”

  “I’ve got a lot to share and missed you guys,” Ethan admitted

  “I missed you too, Minter. We’ve both had a lot happen,” John said, smiling, besotted at Lily as he wrapped his arm around her waist. “I feel like maybe we were meant to see each other again someday.”

  “I hope you’re right.”

  It was hours before Ethan and Daisy finally headed out from the reception. She could almost swear that her cheeks hurt from smiling so much and laughing. It was obvious that everyone there was focused on letting loose and having fun. She’d never seen limbo played at a wedding reception but apparently John insisted on it. He seemed to hide a wild streak a mile wide, savoring his new life to the fullest. At that thought, Daisy glanced over at Ethan sitting in the driver’s seat. His lips were slightly upturned as he stared straight ahead at the road. She was so relieved that he seemed to be happy and content with who he was.

  “I have a surprise to share with you,” he admitted, when they pulled into the parking lot in front of her house. “I’m a little surprised at myself but I feel like it’s kind of the next step for me. Does that make sense?”

  Daisy’s heart pounded. She wasn’t quite sure what to make of his words. What did he mean by ‘next step’ for him? They’d just attended a beautiful wedding together and he’d hinted at things being so good between them. She wanted to ignore the tiny voice in her head that was screaming for her to get ready – part of her suspected that he would tell her that he loved her or propose.

  “What do you mean?” she squeaked and cleared her throat.

  “I feel like things have come so far, so fast and I’ve been really happy with how everything is working out. The things that used to bring me down suddenly aren’t quite so intimidating anymore and I see that there’s more to my life than just my leg. You’ve taught me that and been there supporting me this whole time.”

  He hesitated and Daisy thought she might pass out or have a heart attack if the organ thumping rampantly in her chest beat any harder. Right now, it sounded like a snare drum was rattling off in her eardrums the longer he dragged this on. Ethan gave an endearing little chuckle, shook his head, and then stared up at the ceiling of the truck almost absently.

  “I can’t believe I’m going to say this,” he paused, “but I’ve enrolled back in school. I’m going to finish my degree.”

  “What?” she breathed, feeling a slight pang of disappointment in her chest. She tried to hide it and put on a bright, encouraging smile. He was talking, confiding in her, and it was her problem that she’d gotten her hopes erroneously. He’d never said anything about love, commitment, or marriage.

  “I had eighty hours logged in online college classes at one point. I hate what I do for a so-called career now. I want to give back and I can’t do it stuck in a cubicle. I reached out to the university and can apply my ‘life skills’” Ethan said, holding his hands up and making air quotes, grinning. “I’m going to finish my degree and teach or maybe go into pyrotechnics.”

  “You’d be a great teacher.”

  “I don’t know about that,” he confessed. “I’ve always found the chemistry part fascinating and maybe I could pass on what I know to some kids. The thought of motivating someone else to do better is humbling. I don’t know how you do it so easily.”

  “I’m flawed just like anyone else.”

  “But you seem to just know what to say, you know?”

  “Right now, I feel a little speechless,” she admitted truthfully.

  “Is it a dumb idea to go back to school?”

  “No! No, it’s a great idea and I’m very proud of you.”

  “Then what’s wrong? You look upset about something.”

  “I’m really happy for you and glad you are finding yourself, you know?”

  “Daisy, if you don’t want me to…” he began and she cut him off quickly.

  “Ethan, don’t let anyone ever dissuade you from doing what you want. The fact that you’d give up a dream of yours so quickly tells me that you are basing too much of your happiness on me and my opinions. You need to do what you want and I really am happy for you.”

  “I thought we weren’t going to analyze each other. Remember?”

  “I’m not analyzing you. Its brutal honestly. We are still becoming friends and there are things that I don’t know about you and vice versa.”

  “Friends, huh?”

  “Of course. We’ve never really discussed more than that, have we?”

  Daisy opened the car door and started to get out. She felt Ethan grab her arm and jerked it away instinctively, surprising them both. He looked at her with a shocked, hurt expression on his face that she knew mirrored her own.

  “I guess we don’t know as much as we thought about each other, do we?”

  “People have their secrets,” she shrugged, crossing her arms over her chest.

  “Like what?”

  “Ethan, this has been a wonderful day,” she said, suddenly feeling deflated. “I think you are a terrific guy but today was eye-opening. You deserve so much more than settling for things. You should find someone who can give you a family – and you
should go back to school. I think you’d be an incredible teacher.”

  “What do you mean ‘someone who can give you a family’?” Ethan asked quietly, his eyes searching hers. His face looked pinched, like he was going to be ill. “What are you saying?”

  “I can’t have children. I found out that my hormone levels were out of whack when I was in the hospital for the infection. The doctors found that I have polycystic ovarian disease and there’s so much scar tissue that I don’t release an egg. I will never have a child of my own.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “They are pretty positive.”

  “Why didn’t you say something?”

  “What do you say? ‘Hi, I think you are gorgeous… but hey- those awesome genes will never get passed down to your kids’ – yeah, that is a real relationship killer.”

  “We could have talked about it.”

  “We are now.”

  “You know what I mean.”

  “Ethan, I’m really tired. Do you mind if I head inside?” Daisy interjected before he could say anything else. She felt mentally and emotionally worn out, making her ill-equipped to handle something that was so painful to her. Those feelings, that loss was buried deep in her soul and she wasn’t ready to discuss it. Not with him.

  Not with anyone.

  “Let me walk you to the door,” he said turning off the truck.

  “No, go ahead and head home. I will talk to you tomorrow.”

  “Daisy – I…”

  “Goodnight, Ethan,” she whispered and shut the door, effectively ending the conversation abruptly. She saw the hurt in his eyes and turned her back on him. It was almost as painful at the hurt she felt right now knowing he couldn’t say the words she’d longed to hear.

  The emotional upheaval she’d felt seemed to break loose. The day had been so beautiful, full of so much sheer love in the air that it was encompassing. These last few minutes had been draining. She’d never felt her deepest hopes soar so high, allowing herself to dream of Ethan proposing or telling her that he loved her… and then sinking so low.

  The memories of her lying on the floor, curled into a ball protectively didn’t seem so far away. She couldn’t let that desperate girl surface in her mind. She had to keep focusing on what made her happy- and right now – she wasn’t sure exactly what or who that was.

  Chapter 14

  Stunned, Ethan watched Daisy effectively walk right out of his life.

  She’d shut the door, walked inside and disappeared from sight. He wasn’t sure what he’d done wrong and was flabbergasted that she wasn’t more enthusiastic about him trying to better himself. She always had talked about building confidence in the groups he’d attended with her. It was something they’d focused on recently at the new group sessions he was participating in. How could someone you care for be the right person for you, if they didn’t want to see you succeed? She said she was happy, but that joy didn’t meet her eyes. It was all talk and he was shocked.

  It had been such a beautiful day – and now this?

  Pulling out of the parking lot, he left. She obviously had something going on with her or wanted him to remain someone that needed help. He couldn’t allow himself to become the ‘victim’ again. He wanted to be strong enough to grasp at the hopes and dreams he wanted. He wanted love, he dreamt of a family… but just because Daisy couldn’t have children didn’t mean that they couldn’t be important to someone else?

  Maybe they could adopt?

  All of those thoughts were based on the fact that they had a future together… and the way she shut him down? He wasn’t so sure anymore. Relationships were a two-way street – he loved her, but she had to love him in return.

  The next two weeks dragged by infinitely slow. Ethan had called Daisy several times only to grow more and more frustrated and hurt. She was allowing her phone to go to voicemail and had yet to call him back. He didn’t want to beg for attention. The old Ethan would have simply gone out and picked up another girl to occupy his craving for attention. He couldn’t do that anymore. The idea of someone else flirting with him or smiling at him didn’t set his heart aflutter – only Daisy did. He called her phone one more time and left a simple voicemail.

  “I am meeting John Griffin today for coffee. I’d like to talk to you please. There’s been some sort of misunderstanding and I think we both owe it to ourselves.”

  Hanging up, he let out a painful sigh. He loved her and it killed him to know he was losing her, he wasn’t completely sure why either. He would never win her back if she didn’t give him the time of day, he thought morosely as he sat there waiting at the Starbucks. It was beautiful outside under the umbrella. The sun was shining, the breeze was keeping him cool, and any other moment he would consider this heaven.

  But not today.

  Not with losing Daisy heavy on his heart.

  This was his first outing with his prosthetic leg. Ethan was a little afraid to lose his balance or fall. He was still doing so occasionally in therapy and brought a crutch with him to use as a cane, just in case. Building confidence came in several forms, he thought wryly. First it was getting his emotions under control, then his education… now, it was his mobility. He wanted to surprise Daisy by asking her to dance. She’d been so happy at their version of dancing at the wedding, he wanted to do it for real. He wanted to hold her in his arms without fear of falling without his crutches.

  “Hey Minter!”

  Ethan looked up to see John walking up to the table. He was wearing a white t-shirt and jeans, a far cry from the camouflage he was used to seeing his leader in this time last year. He’d always been fit and tanned before in Afghanistan, putting some of the younger guys to shame. They teased him and called him an ‘old man’ but at thirty-eight John had more muscle on his abdomen than some of the others- himself included. Getting to his feet carefully, Ethan hugged John as they clapped each other on the back.

  “Man, you got some new duds eh?” John asked, pointing to Ethan’s leg.

  “Trying them out,” Ethan amended with a grin. “They take a lot of getting used to. Daisy makes it look easy but it’s not. Your balance is a little different and it’s hard to explain.”

  “You look good. I wondered how you were doing!”

  “I thought you guys forgot about me truthfully, but it’s all good. I had a long road to recovery and still working on it.”

  “Forgot about you? Why would you think that?”

  “It’s fine.”

  “Minter,” John began, “We all wrote you. You were one of our brothers and we were worried. We never heard back from you and figured you blamed us for what happened.”

  “You wrote me? I got maybe four letters – just brief notes that said, ‘sorry about your leg’ and stuff like that. I think Cooper’s letter was all of ten words. I never heard from you or Wilkes.”

  “Everyone did – Wilkes took your injury the hardest.”

  “I wrote you all and no one ever responded. I didn’t know what to think or what to say.”

  “I bet you thought we just shipped you out and gave you the boot?”

  “Well that’s putting it mildly – but yeah.”

  “That’s not what happened. Everyone wrote and then I was discharged. My time was up and I wasn’t going to miss a chance to meet Lily. Wilkes was having a heckuva time dealing with it. He took it personally. You should write him again and let him know how you are doing.”

  “If he hasn’t gotten my other letters, I’m sure he won’t get this one either.”

  “So, email him,” John shrugged casually.

  “Y’all plugging the shiny new computers into rocks out there?” Ethan teased sarcastically, remembering the tents anchored into the dirt. He’d hated how stifling they were in the heat, making them all spend time out in the sun just so there was a breeze occasionally.

  Everyone there was tanned with distinct lines where their clothing ended. ‘Farmer tans’, Cooper called it, joking about the glare from their pale skin wh
ere the sun hadn’t touched them. The wise-cracking guy had been punched once or twice for his unorthodox comments or smart remarks. Ethan missed the guys and the idea of being able to communicate was staggering.

  “Actually, they did put a computer out there. Before I left, I put in a chit request for one as a morale booster. I asked for more phone lines and a computer. We were getting assigned emails as I was leaving.”

  “Are you serious?” Ethan whispered in shock. He could email Wilkes or Cooper at anytime? He really missed being a part of their group and the thought of reconnecting with them was staggering.

  “Completely. Now, I’m gonna grab a coffee – you want something?”

  “I’ve got my cup. Thanks.”

  “Maaannn,” John drawled, rolling his eyes and smiling. “I meant a cookie or something. Lily and I both have a soft spot for sweets and Starbucks has these cookie bars that are to die for. It’s my treat.”

  “If you’re buying, then sure,” Ethan grinned, feeling more like himself than ever before. The only thing missing was Daisy. Seeing John returning with several baggies and a cup of coffee, Ethan raised an eyebrow. John put one bag containing a cookie bar in front of him and kept three more for himself.

  “You weren’t kidding, were you?”

  “I’m going to bring one of these home to Lily.”

  “Speaking of, tell me about her. How’d you two meet? Was she your mysterious pen pal?”

  “She was. She’s the person who sent the Twinkies,” John admitted, grinning as he took a big bite of the cookie in his hand. “You know, you do without sweets for so long trying to keep in shape and one darn Twinkie – I fell off the wagon and in love with the most beautiful person in the world. How did you meet Daisy?”

  “Lily is Twinkie-girl? The same one that sent you all those terrible circus peanuts? I thought for sure you had a couple of people writing you as often as you seemed to be getting letters and gifts.”