Bare All

by L M Allen

  “Yep. Thanks.” He drops it into my palm.

  “I thought so. Hey, Will. It’s a great party.” Gary smiles and glances at me. I chance a peek at Will, who’s nearly snarling at Gary. What the hell? “I’ll leave you guys to it. Hey, have you seen Bells?”

  “Not since...” She reminded me about Father’s Day? “...earlier.” I look at Will again. His shoulders are tight. “If she’s not dancing, my money is on the kitchen, telling some poor chef what he’s done wrong.”

  “You might be right.” Gary chuckles and glances at Will again, before he strides off to find his wife.

  “Drink? Dance? Dinner?” I ask Will, trying not to fidget whilst attempting to find a solution to the scowl on his face.

  “I need a drink.”

  I follow Will over towards the bar but stop halfway. What on Earth? Sid and Frankie are practically standing to attention, even with tissue stuffed up his nose in Sid’s case, and Davey is positioned with his feet wide and his hands behind his back, his eyes fixed on the door. I follow his gaze. Ted is shaking Tom’s hand, his face serious as always.

  But I know that’s just a façade. My godfather is as soft as they come. Out of uniform. Ted walks, with a limp and a stick that still make me feel guilty as hell, towards his troops. Every one of them stands straighter under Ted’s scrutiny. It always fascinates me. The way he commands such respect just by walking into the room. I wonder if that’s what my dad saw in each room he entered too. Every person here has stilled, tracking his every step.

  His head turns slowly in my direction, like he can feel me watching him. The stone-cold glare dissolves like sugar in tea, and I run towards him, dodging through the crowd, right into his wide arms. “You’re still beautiful, Evie. And still trouble by the bucketful.”

  I chuckle. “Hi, Ted.” And squeeze him back with a stupid grin on my face.

  “You’re going to blow my grumpy bastard cover, Evie.”

  “Oh, I think it’s still fully intact.” With everyone but me. “Oh!”

  “Teeddddyyyyyy Beeeeaaarrr!” Summer squeals, and I step back just in time for Ted to catch her too, as Mum strolls over behind her.

  “I stand corrected. Blown wide open.” I laugh as he throws her up in the air and tickles her mercilessly, making ridiculous faces.

  This is going to be a bloody brilliant night.

  Chapter 4

  “Hey, it’s me. Happy Father’s Day! Where are you? The girls are waiting for you? They have a surprise...just...err...call me.” I frown at the handset as I end another message on Will’s answering machine on Sunday morning.

  “When is Daddy coming?” Mae asks for the millionth time.

  “I’m not sure, sweet pea. Maybe we had better just eat ours, or they’ll be ruined. We can make Daddy some more, fresh, and he can eat them as soon as he’s home.”

  Mae nods, but her face falls. I feel terrible for her. I glance at Summer. Her first ever Father’s Day and still no father to celebrate with. “Why don’t we jazz this up with some ice cream?” The underwhelmed reaction isn’t the one I was hoping for, but I push to my feet anyway and collect the tub from the freezer and the scoop from the drawer. I flick the kettle on to boil and glance at the phone in my hand again. Nothing. Is this thing bloody working?

  As the water in the kettle bubbles and rolls, I flick it off and fill a mug before plunging the scoop in for a few seconds, then ease two scoops each on top of the French toast and fresh fruit.

  “Here you go!” I sing, trying to sound enthusiastic. “Shall we take a picture for Daddy? He might hurry up when he sees what he’s missing.” The girls both agree to my weak plan and smile for a photo that I forward to Will.

  Two hours later, we leave a note for Will and head out to the woods. I have to bite my tongue so hard not to tell them we’ll be moving in soon, but I want Will to be here when they find out. I glance at the time on my silent-as-the-grave phone, and then at the girls playing tag, rushing through the trees, and weaving around clumps of wild flowers before disappearing completely in head-high ferns. It’s no good. I’m going to have to cancel. I pull up my contacts and navigate to Fin, the landlord of our local gastropub. He answers the bloody phone.

  “Hey, Eva.”

  “Hey. Listen, I’m really sorry but I’m gonna have to cancel our table.”

  “Oh, is everything okay?”

  “Um...I think so? Will has gone AWOL, so...”

  “You can still come.”

  “Aww, thanks, but the girls will just get upset with all the other daddies there.”

  “If you’re sure?”

  “I am. Sorry to let you down.”

  “No worries, I’ll see you soon though?”

  “Sure. Soon. Bye, Fin.”

  I cut the call and dial Escape, hoping for Stefan and getting someone else. Someone whose voice I don’t recognise. “Hi, is Will there?”

  “Who’s calling, please?”

  “It’s Eva.” His fiancée.

  “He’s here. But he’s busy.”

  “Busy?”

  “Yes.” Her response is short and clipped. “He’s in his office. Said he’s not to be disturbed.”

  “But...he’s okay? Physically okay?”

  “Oh, yeah...” Eww! I hang up quickly as the retort builds on my tongue. What the hell is wrong with me? Of course she fancies him. But he’s mine. Ours. I glance at the girls playing and wonder what the hell is going on. How can he miss this? Our first Father’s Day together? Maybe he thought I forgot? But...I’ve said happy Father’s Day, assuming he’s listened to the messages...?

  An hour or so of running after the girls through the trees, and I’m really smiling at last, but it’s painfully obvious someone is missing. We all jump when my phone rings. I snatch it up, grinning, and then see the caller ID.

  “Hey, Gary.” I try not to sound as disappointed as I feel, or look at the two despondent little faces in front of me.

  “Hey. You guys home tonight?”

  “Sure. Are you not doing something with Bells and bump?” I kick at a patch of dandelions gone to seed and send them floating through the air.

  “Nah, she’s visiting her dad tonight.”

  “You’re not going?”

  “Nope. Davey’s in Mexico, so I’m all yours.”

  “We’re at the woods. See you at The Nook around seven?”

  “Later, sweets.”

  ***

  When the girls are fed and in bed, earlier than usual after their woodland fun, I head for the shower, my phone still in my back pocket. I pull it out and dial Will.

  “Yes?” I stop dead at his abrasive tone.

  “Will?”

  “What is it, Eva?”

  “I...err...I was wondering when you’re coming home? The girls are already in bed—”

  “I’m staying here tonight.”

  “Okay...why?”

  “Do I need a reason?”

  “A reason...? No...I suppose...but an explanation would be nice. It’s Father’s Day—”

  “I can’t do this right now, Eva. I’ll see you tomorrow.” And the phone goes dead. I lower it slowly from my ear, my stomach doing summersaults. He’s having second thoughts. He knows he can do better. He’s had a better offer.

  I turn the shower on and watch the water fall for several minutes before I undress, get in and just stand there, staring at the wall, my thoughts too tangled to make sense of.

  I don’t even hear Gary until he opens the bathroom door a crack and calls my name from behind it.

  “Eva?”

  “Oh! Hey.”

  “I just wanted to let you know I’m here. I’ll pour the wine.”

  “Sure. I’ll just be a sec.”

  I wash quickly and get out and dry. I grab my pjs, which consist of an oversized T-shirt tonight. Not Will’s. Mine. I drag a comb through my hair and jog down the stairs.

  “Hey!” I greet Gary with a bright smile as I enter the living room.

  “Hey, sweets. Red or w
hite?”

  “White, please.”

  “Good choice.” Gary hands me the glass of white and takes the red himself. “Where’s Will?”

  “At Escape.” He glances at my face as I sit at the opposite end of the sofa. “So? Good day, Daddy-to-be?”

  “Yeah...” His brow furrows, very briefly. “It’s not really a thing for me this year, is it?”

  “I suppose.” I shrug. “Or it’s the last one you’re ever gonna get a lay-in for.” Gary half chuckles.

  “What did you guys do?”

  “Oh, errr...Will was working so it was just me and the girls. We’ll celebrate tomorrow...or whenever.” Maybe.

  “Must have been urgent?”

  “Must have been.” I take a deep breath and a sip of wine. “Film?” I ask, twisting my mouth. This tastes bloody awful.

  “If you like. I’m good just chatting.”

  Gary and I make our way through the wine, or Gary does, with regular visits to the fridge for nibbles. “Are you staying tonight?” I ask, eyeing his empty wine glass as he reaches for the bottle.

  “Can I?”

  “Sure, but Summer’s room is occupied, so it’s gonna be the sofa.” He usually sleeps in Summer’s bed if he stays the night.

  “Thanks.” He fills our glasses again. “I feel bad drinking in front of Bells.” He takes another sip and lowers the glass to his knee. “So... have you spoken to Bells recently?”

  “Not since the launch. Why?”

  “She’s...acting...weird.”

  “What kind of weird?”

  “I don’t know. I can’t put my finger on it.” His eyebrows pull together, and he wraps his hand around his glass.

  “Gary,” I say, taking his free hand. “She’s pregnant. She has hormones coming out of her ears, probably feels like shit most days, working full time....Are you really surprised?”

  “I suppose.” He sighs and leans back against the cushions. “I just get a weird feeling...like she’s...keeping something from me.” I shift around to face him, pulling my knee up.

  “You’re worried? About the baby?”

  “I don’t know. It’s probably nothing, like you said.”

  “That is not what I said. I said she’s pregnant. Growing an actual bloody human. She needs your support. Even when she’s acting weird. It’s called hormones. And they come straight outta hell when you’re expecting. Every tiny, insignificant thing is a huge bloody deal, y’know?” I take another sip of wine. Nope, still awful. “You’re so lucky you’re a man. Now, I know it’s not terribly PC, but you need to grow a pair and be there for her. No matter what.”

  “Is that what you were like? When you were expecting Summer?” I take a breath before answering. This isn’t something we have ever talked about.

  “Umm...I...kind of.”

  “Tell me. Please!” I take a look at his pleading face.

  “It was different for me, Gary. I could hardly move...”

  “Oh! Shit, I’m sorry, sweets.” I ignore the pity in his eyes and continue.

  “But hormones wise? Yeah. I was probably like Godzilla or something.” I needed someone badly but refused to admit it. I had to learn to be alone after all. “I was snappy and touchy. Pregnant.” I shrug. “And constantly bloody starving too.” I laugh as I reach for another handful of nuts.

  “Where’s your ring?” Gary asks, glancing at my hand as it closes in a fist around my stash.

  “It’s at the jeweller’s to be resized. It’s a bit big.”

  I crawl into bed, way past midnight, after throwing a blanket over Gary, who has practically passed out on my sofa. It’s the first night I’ve spent alone in a while. I crawl under the duvet and roll onto my side, my hand creeping across the mattress to rest on Will’s pillow, and I finally allow the tears to fall. Just for tonight. If he’s changed his mind, I’m much better off knowing now.

  ***

  I wake the following morning to the smell of strong coffee. “Morning, sweets.”

  “Hey.” I blink my eyes repeatedly, trying to wake up.

  “I brought you coffee. Thanks for letting me crash.”

  “Anytime.” I sit up and glance at the cup. The smell is making me queasy. I wonder just how strong he’s made it. “How are you feeling?”

  “I’m great. It’s been too long since we did that.”

  “Ahh, well, you’re all married and responsible now,” I tease. He perches on the bed beside me.

  “Thanks. For talking. I needed to hear that.” He gives my hand a quick squeeze.

  “That you need to man up?”

  “Yeah, that.” He smiles and leans in for a hug. Neither of us notice the door slowly open.

  “Don’t let me interrupt,” Will growls, and I jump.

  Chapter 5

  “Will!” I gasp, throw back the duvet, and stumble to my feet.

  “Will, mate...” Gary laughs. “We were wondering when you’d be home.”

  “Yeah? I’m not really into threesomes.” My lungs freeze as stone-cold realisation drops like a bucket of ice water. He thinks I slept with Gary last night. Oh! Holy! Shit!

  “Mate, we were just... I stayed over because I was pissed. I slept on the sofa.”

  “Looks like it.” He nods at the coffee on my bedside table.

  “You can’t be serious?” My hands are trembling, my voice barely there. This can’t be happening. Not again.

  One look at Will’s face tells me that it is. It is happening again, and my heart goes into shutdown until I don’t feel anything but numb. The survival instinct kicks in strong, and I know my brain won’t let me chase him. My heart will have to live with it. I’ll get over it one day. Just like I did before.

  “I’m going to collect Mae,” he says, his face stony when he looks at me. “I would suggest you don’t follow.” Gary moves towards Will, and I grab his arm before Will stalks out the door.

  “Don’t.” Gary frowns at me questioningly. “I can’t do this again. If that’s what he thinks, let him.” I can’t ever go back to that. Not for anyone. I’m sick of trying to prove myself. I shouldn’t fucking have to.

  “Sweets.” He reaches for me and wipes the tears with his thumbs before holding me tight. I tremble against him until the front door closes, and an engine rips to life and takes off down the lane, adrenaline coursing through my bloodstream like the lifesaver it is.

  If Will doesn’t know me well enough to know I’d never do that to him, then we shouldn’t be getting married. Hell, we shouldn’t be together at all.

  In that moment, I can see everything crystal clear. If Will really believes that I could do that, we’re over. It has to be. I’ve been down that road before; it leads to a hospital bed. Or the morgue, if the medical team doesn’t manage to keep you alive.

  “You sure you’re okay?” Gary asks again as we stand on the doorstep a few hours later.

  “No.” How can I be? My fiancé thinks I’m a cheat. I give him a weak smile. “But I will be.” Because I have to be. I won’t ever go back.

  “Do you want me to talk to him?”

  “No. Please don’t. He won’t believe you anyway, and if you two get into it, I’ll end up hating him. Let me keep some good memories.” After a few moments of searching my face, he kisses my forehead and walks down the garden path to his car, glancing back every few steps. I force my lips to smile and my arm to raise in a wave.

  I turn and call out to Summer, “Let’s go, sweet pea.” My voice is tight and hoarse. Thick with unshed tears, but I refuse to fall apart over this particular issue again. Or ever.

  ***

  When I arrive at E:Vents just before ten, the door is still locked. I pull out my key, fumble it into the lock, and twist until the door creaks open. The lights are off too. I flick the switch and notice a thick envelope on my desk. I close the door behind me and walk over, rounding the desk, and sit heavily. Is it me, or has this day been going on forever?

  I rip open the thick white paper and slide the contents out. A se
t of keys lands on the polished wood. I pick up the top sheet and read. And read it again. I put it down, then pick it up. Put it down again, rub my eyes, and read it for a third time.

  It still makes zero sense. What the hell?

  I hit Bells on speed dial and get her voicemail. “Bells? It’s me. I got your...letter. I don’t understand. You want out? You want me to buy you out? Are you okay? Is it the baby? I...call me. Please. Let me know you’re okay.”

  I sit still and try to think straight. Could it be a problem with the baby? Or something else? I don’t bloody know! But there’s no point speculating. I don’t have time for that. I stand and retrieve the diary from Bells’s side of the office, unlock her top drawer, collect another pile of post to go with the stack I already have to deal with, and sit back at my own desk.

  I check today’s appointments and note the only thing I have to worry about in the next few hours is an eleven o’clock. And the client is coming here, which makes my life easier. I start to methodically tear open envelopes, recycling them and the junk mail, and respond to anything that needs it before I recycle that too. I’m about halfway through the pile when I pick up a small brown envelope with my name on it, marked: private and confidential. I rip it open and read.

  Dear Ms Adams,

  Your contraceptive implant is due to expire in two months. Please make an appointment with your GP or your local Family Planning clinic to discuss your options, or fit a replacement.

  Sincerely,

  Family Planning

  I frantically search for the date on the correspondence. And my heart thumps to a dead stop.

  March. Fucking March! Four fucking months ago? Literally? No!

  My head is spinning and my stomach is heaving, for a whole other reason. I dash to the ladies and throw up my vile coffee.

  When I make it back to my office, having bought some peppermints and water at the rooftop café, Gary is standing, legs wide, in the centre.

  “He—”

  “What. The. Fuck. Did you do?”

  “Wha—?” Gary’s eyes are wild. His breathing heavy and forced. His teeth clenched. I’ve seen that look before...I know what happens next.