by Ivy Smoak
I swallowed hard. I wasn’t sure which was hotter…the burn of tequila in my throat or the feeling of our palms pressed together. But I suddenly felt super sweaty. And a little light headed. Maybe I was allergic to him.
He poured me another shot. “So what’s the secret confidence booster that makes you act truly and unapologetically yourself in a sea of posers?”
I downed my third shot, this time savoring the feeling of the burn on my throat, hoping it would numb the amazing feeling of our intertwined fingers. Tequila made me feel alive. “I never said I’d tell you,” I practically had to shout over the new song that had just come on. A song that had me swaying in time to the beat. I leaned closer and lightly brushed my lips against his ear. “I said I’d show you.” I slowly backed away from the bar while still facing him, dancing to the music, until my hand slipped out of his. Right before I reached the dance floor, I turned away from him and disappeared into the crowd.
I didn’t need anyone to dance with in order to have a good time. But I was hoping he’d follow me. Hoping, praying, begging. Guys liked a chase. So I’d literally give him one. I closed my eyes and let my body move to the beat of the music. It took less than a minute before I felt his hands on my hips.
“Are you trying to disappear on me again?” he asked. “I’m not going to let you slip away so easily tonight.”
I laughed and turned around to face him. “No, I’m trying to show you the secret.” I lifted one of my arms and wrapped it behind his neck as we continued to dance.
His hands settled on the small of my back as he pulled me closer to him. “So this is it? The secret is dancing with a beautiful woman? I guess it’s my lucky night.”
“No,” I said with a laugh. “Well, yes you’re lucky. But no, that’s not the secret.”
“Is your plan to kill me with suspense?”
I shook my head. “If you’d stop talking for five seconds I’ll show you.” I wasn’t really upset with him distracting me though. I liked the feeling of his hands on me. Probably more than I should. My whole body felt warm and I wasn’t sure if it was due to the tequila or how close he was to me.
He laughed. “Sorry, sensei.”
“It’s okay. No such thing as bad student, only bad teacher,” I said with an accent. “Teacher say, student do.”
He raised his eyebrows. “You can quote Karate Kid? Who are you?” His chocolate color irises swirled with something I didn’t quite recognize. Wonder maybe?
I leaned a tiny bit closer toward him. “The woman of your dreams. Now close your eyes.”
He stared at me skeptically.
“Close your eyes. What, are you afraid I’ll bite?”
He shook his head with a laugh.
I reached out and placed my hand over his eyes. “Don’t you trust me?” I watched his Adam’s apple rise and fall, causing my own heart to race. He liked the feeling of my hands on him as much as I liked his on me.
“Yeah, I trust you,” he said slowly.
Now that I had his undivided attention, I had completely forgotten what I had wanted to do with it. Everyone around us disappeared as I studied his features. My eyes focused on the dark stubble along his jaw line. I wanted to know what it would feel like against my lips.
Oh my God, how long have we been standing here like this? I had lost my freaking mind. I went to pull my hand away but he grabbed my wrist to keep it in place. His touch was electrifying.
“What next?” he asked. A smile was playing on the corner of his lips, like he knew how his touch was affecting me.
I swallowed hard. “Feel the music. Don’t think about anything but the beat. Just feel it.”
His whole face lit up with a smile. “That’s it? Sounds easy enough.”
“No, you have to really feel it. Feel the music vibrating through your bones. Breathe the bass. Let your heart beat to the rhythm of it.”
I took a deep breath, trying to follow my own advice. I needed to calm down before my heart exploded.
His smile disappeared like he was concentrating. I took the moment of silence to study his face again. His skin was so perfectly smooth where it wasn’t covered with stubble. And he had a splattering of freckles under his eyes, right beneath where my hand was covering. His lips looked pillow soft. I felt myself leaning closer to him.
Just the fact that he was taking this seriously made me want to kiss him. He wasn’t making fun of me. He was seriously trying to get to know me. I wanted to figure out what made him tick too. But I wanted to know what he tasted like even more.
I breathed in his exhales and felt drunker than I should have after three shots. “When you feel instead of think, that’s when you twirl around in the middle of the green and don’t care an ounce about what anyone else thinks.”
“And what were you feeling the other day that made you do that?” His thumb trailed down the inside of my wrist, sending goosebumps up my arm.
“The sun on my skin. And the breeze in my hair. And how utterly perfect everything is when the summer slowly fades to fall.”
“Is fall your favorite season?”
“Summer actually.”
“Yet you’re happy when it fades?”
“It goes out in style. With storms and electrifying shades of yellows and reds.” I stared at him. For some reason, when his eyes were covered, I didn’t hesitate at all to tell him the truth. “It leaves with such a bang that sometimes you don’t even catch it. And you don’t even realize how much you miss it until it’s gone.”
My chest hurt. I fell in love with Connor on one such summer night. Hand in hand in a field of grass. We'd danced as the air turned crisp. I wasn’t ready for love again. I didn’t need intensity right now. I needed easy. And light. And fun.
This conversation was getting too deep too quickly. I needed to slow it down. Or speed it up. Or…I didn’t know anymore. But I needed him to stop feeling before he started feeling too much. I slowly lowered my hand from his eyes and tried to fill the silence with what I hoped he wanted to hear. “Is there maybe someplace a little more private we could go?” I bit my lip as I looked at him in that way. The way that screamed I was giving him permission to jump my bones.
His smile faltered for just a second. If my eyes weren’t glued to his lips, I would have missed it.
“I think we’re fine right here.” He pulled away ever so slightly, but to me it felt like he had jumped away from me and pushed me in the opposite direction. “Right?” He lowered his eyebrows as he studied me.
Wow. I read this situation wrong. Really, really wrong. “Are you thirsty? I’m thirsty. I’ll be right back.” His hand fell from my wrist as I disappeared into the crowd.
I grabbed my wrist with my other hand, trying to get rid of the cold feeling that had suddenly come over me.
I’d made a habit of making dumb decisions last year. And not once had any of my advances been shot down. They should have been. Half the time I was drunk out of my mind. But tonight? I liked Josh. He was funny and flirtatious and sweet. I wanted him and got denied hard. It just made these horrible feelings swirl inside my mind. I had never felt so small in my whole life.
I grabbed his stupid expensive tequila and got out of the basement as fast as I could. I didn’t see Penny anywhere. If she was here, I knew I’d see her. The place was jam-packed, but her red hair was always easy to spot in a crowd. She had probably fled as fast as humanly possible. I should have too. What was I thinking coming here?
The difference between last year and this year was that despite what the guy that just rejected me thought, I had lost my confidence. I had gone around campus last year being the one that had done the dumping. I didn’t feel rejected and I'd never even considered Connor moving on. He was alone. And I was alone. And all was right in the world.
But now? He was getting fucking married. He had moved on from me in the biggest way possible. I wiped away the big fat tears that had started falling down my cheeks. Why the hell am I crying? I was over him. I was, wasn’t I? I
t was more the pile of rejection, one on top of the next, that had me feeling like such a failure.
I stepped outside and tried to ignore the light drizzle. There was no way I could face Penny right now. Not only was she right about the fact that it was going to rain tonight, but she was also right about the fact that I never should have come here in the first place. I took a big swig of tequila. I just needed to hide out here until I had a chance to calm down.
I couldn’t face going back inside. Instead, I stepped onto the front lawn and started walking around the house looking for anywhere that didn’t involve other people. My heels sunk into the grass as I stepped into the backyard, so I stopped to unhook them. My feet squished slightly in the mud and I smiled. God, I loved that feeling. I saw a swing set all the way at the perimeter of the yard. I wandered over, tossed my heels onto the grass, and slumped down into one of the swings.
It had been a long time since I had been on a swing. I took turns pumping my legs and swigging tequila until I realized I could only handle one thing at a time. I chose tequila. I looked up at the dark sky and blinked away the rain from my eyes. What did I do to deserve feeling like this?
“There you are.”
I turned my gaze to see Josh walking toward me. Kill me now. His hair was slicked back from the rain and he looked better than ever. Meanwhile, I was pretty sure I looked like a drowned rat. I wished I could disappear. “It’s okay, you can go back inside.” I turned away from him, hoping to hide my face.
“What are you talking about? I’ve been looking everywhere for you.”
“It’s fine. I’m fine. You can go back inside and have fun at your party. You don’t have to worry about the weird girl crying in your backyard because she got rejected. I’m fine,” I said again.
“I wasn’t rejecting you.” He stopped right in front of me. “I was having fun getting to know you more.”
“Sure.”
“Really. I didn’t want to rush us.” He shook his head quickly. “This, I mean. I didn’t want to rush whatever this is.”
He had said us. Like we already existed as a pair. I wiped under my eyes and was glad it was raining so he couldn’t tell how many tears I had shed.
“Is that really why you’re sitting out here in the rain? Because you thought I was turning you down?”
Yes. Partially. I shrugged my shoulders. “Yes and no. Honestly, I’m a freaking mess. Whatever glimpse you saw of me twirling around campus? I don’t even know if that person exists anymore. I’m a poser just like everyone else. And you certainly shouldn’t take my advice.”
He sat down on the swing next to mine. “You are nothing like anyone else I’ve ever met.”
I laughed. And then sniffled. “Thanks.” I think.
“So do you want to tell me what’s really wrong? Because I’m sitting here telling you I want to get to know you better and you still look like you want to cry.”
Honesty felt like the right choice here. Or else he was just going to think I was an unstable lunatic. “My ex is getting married.” You can run away screaming now. I’m such a mess.
“Ah. So you came here looking for a one-night thing to get over him?”
That wasn’t what I was expecting him to say. He'd nailed it perfectly. I looked down at the bottle in my hand. “Something like that.”
“Do you trust me?”
I lifted my gaze back to him. It’s what I had asked him inside. He had taken the leap for me. “Kind of.” It was the best I could do.
He smiled. “You’re not a one night kind of girl. You were stuck in my head before I even got a chance to talk to you. And now? I’m afraid I’ll never stop thinking about you.”
I pressed my lips together again. “You don’t even know me, Josh.”
“I know. I’ve only got the tiniest taste. And I don’t know how to explain it, but I just…I really like you, girl-without-a-name.”
I laughed.
“You’re really still not going to tell me your name?”
What was the point? There was no way he would actually talk to me after tonight. I was a walking disaster. “You don’t have to sit there and pretend you want more than a one night stand either just because I got upset. I don’t need your sympathy. I’m just gonna go.” I stood up and shoved the bottle of tequila into his hands.
He let the bottle of tequila fall to the ground and grabbed my hand instead. “What did he do to you?”
My heart stopped when my eyes met his. My mind told me to pull away from him and pretend tonight never happened. But my heart? It wanted for him to look at me with heat in his gaze over and over again. It wanted for me to believe that maybe, just maybe, love really did exist. That just because I had been burned, it didn’t mean I needed to carry around the scars forever.
I awkwardly cleared my throat. “He basically told me to stop being me. And the funny part is that by me being strong and turning him down, I’m pretty sure I lost myself anyway.”
He stood up and put his hands on either side of my face. He traced his thumbs underneath my eyes, removing any remaining tears. “I know how to help you find yourself again.”
“Is that so?” It felt like I was holding my breath. My lungs couldn’t get enough air.
Neither one of us spoke for a moment. We just stared at each other with the rain falling on us. His hands drifted down to the sides of my neck.
“This really beautiful sensei just gave me all the answers. She said you have to feel more than you think.”
I laughed.
“So close your eyes.”
“You can’t use reverse psychology on me, Josh.”
“Here, we’ll both do it.” He closed his eyes. “You’re doing it right?”
I smiled and closed my eyes. “Mhm.”
“Now feel the rain on the top of your head. And my hands on your skin.”
I shivered and I swore I heard him groan.
“Do you feel it?” he asked. “Truly feel it?”
I opened my eyes. His were still closed. It was like we had rewound time. This time I didn’t ask him to take me to bed. Instead I decided to take a leap of faith and follow my heart, for once not worried about what it was going to feel like when it was squashed. I closed my eyes again and mostly just concentrated on the feeling of his touch. “I feel it,” I said.
“No one can take that away from you. You just have to take a moment to find it again.”
I had no idea how he did it. But he was right. Or I was right. Or maybe we both were? Standing with my eyes closed and turning off my thoughts made me feel like me again. A smile stretched across my face.
I wasn’t sure when it started, but we were slowly swaying to the music. We were literally dancing in the rain and it just made my smile grow. I was cheesing so hard my cheeks actually hurt.
“And now we twirl,” he said.
I laughed as he grabbed my hand and spun me in a circle. And another. And another. I was dizzy when he pulled me back against his chest. But not because of the twirling. Because of him.
I kept laughing until his lips collided with mine, silencing me.
God.
His tongue gently parted my lips and I was pretty sure if he wasn’t holding me up, I’d have fallen to my knees. He wasn’t just handsome beyond belief. The guy could kiss like he had been training for this moment his whole life.
I grabbed the back of his head, deepening our kiss, never wanting him to stop. And for the first time in a long time, I didn’t feel lonely. Usually a kiss was a means to an end. But this one? It felt like the beginning of something. What did it matter if I was running away from my demons? As long as someone was there to catch me when I fell.
He pulled away far too soon, his lips slightly swollen from our kiss. His chest was rising and falling rapidly like he was having trouble catching his breath.
It was pretty clear he felt whatever this was just as strongly as I did. Probably because we told our thoughts to suck it and had kicked them to the curb way before that mind-blo
wing kiss.
It looked like he wanted to say something. And I was scared of losing this perfect moment. So I stood on my tiptoes and kissed him before any words could escape.
Chapter 8
Thursday
I wasn’t sure how long we stood like that, our bodies swaying to the music, our lips never far apart. But I never wanted it to end. I could dance with him for eternity, no matter how cold it got. And it was freaking freezing. I shivered.
“You’re cold,” he said.
Just like that, I had ruined the moment.
“And you’re soaking wet.”
I raised my eyebrow.
His Adam’s apple rose and fell. “I meant from the rain. But…good to know.”
My face had to be scarlet.
He looked down at his watch. “Geez it’s almost 3 a.m. I should get you home.”
I didn’t want to leave. I wanted to keep my body pressed against his. I wanted to keep looking into his dark brown eyes until the sun rose. But I did have classes in the morning. How unfair responsibilities were. “That’s probably a good idea.” I looked around for my shoes I had discarded.
“Wait one second. I’ll be right back.” He ran toward the house. I was left by myself in the rain. Normally this was where I’d start to doubt everything. But it was odd. I didn’t have a single doubt in my mind when it came to Josh. He honestly seemed good for me. I lifted up my soaked heels. Damn it.
“Here.”
I turned around just as he was draping a jacket over my shoulders. Any trace of a chill was gone. I just wasn’t sure if it was because of the jacket or because of how hot he looked. His hair was all mussed up like he had just run his fingers through it. I smiled. It looked like sex hair. Yet…all we had done was make-out like high schoolers. Although, his kisses were far superior to any I had received in high school.
A smile stretched across his face. “Can I walk you home?” He held out his hand.
I didn’t hesitate to slip mine into his. “It would be very ungentlemanly of you not to.”
“And we wouldn’t want that.” We walked through his backyard. When we stepped on the driveway, he paused. “Maybe I should drive instead?” His eyes traveled down my body, making me shiver again. “You’re not wearing any shoes.” He grabbed my heels from my hand and held them up.
