Thirteen Hours To You

by Annie Emerson

  “You won’t lose me, Daddy. I’m fine, I swear. It’s not going to be easy starting a new school. I have a million fears coming at me, and I feel unsteady, yes, but leaving Adalita was the right decision. I just don’t know how I’m gonna do it without you and Wyatt.”

  I looked over at him and reached out for his hand. As he took it, my chest filled with complete and utter sadness, and the longer I looked at him, the more I could see that he was suffering, too.

  “How am I gonna do this, Daddy?” My voice cracked as the first tear fell. I couldn’t contain it. The closer we got to Everlee Falls, to my new life, I felt something slipping away. “How am I gonna do this without you . . .? Why couldn’t I just be the daughter you needed?” A pained sob left my mouth I no longer had the strength to contain. “I ruined everything,” I whispered.

  He let go of my hand and grabbed the steering wheel, flicked the indicator on and safely pulled off to the side of the road. There was only minor stone kick up, and there was no dramatic exit from the car. Just silence. After a few seconds that felt like forever, I watched dad unbuckle his seatbelt, releasing himself from its constraint and turning in his seat to face me.

  “Do you know what kind of person it takes to survive through years and years of verbal and physical abuse and still manage to find a smile and do everything her mother and father ask of her?” he questioned.

  I looked out the front window, not able to meet his eyes as I spoke, “A sociopath?”

  He chuckled. “No, baby girl. It takes a strength that I don’t even think you’re aware that you have. I look at you, and I see the image of love incarnate. Your Mama and I created this person I still can’t believe is ours. You’re our miracle, and when I look at you, I’m so lucky I get to see her . . . Her beautiful dark brown hair and big almond-shaped eyes. Yeah, you got my violet eyes, but she gave you her intensity, her ability to express everything through them. Your eyes are as intimidating as hers. God help the boy who falls in love with you,” he snickered with amusement. “Poor Bastards got no hope, which means I'll have to purchase a firearm. Thankfully Gamma has a fully loaded safe.” I scoffed at his overbearing stupidity. He smiled at me, his voice gentle, like the next words he spoke were sacred. “You even sound like her, you know that?”

  I turned to him in wonder. “Really? You think I sound like Mama?”

  He smiled; pride flickered across his lips. “You don’t just sound like her when she was your age, you have her fire and persistence, too. That’s why I know you’ll be okay. You survived all these years because you refuse to let people destroy you.”

  I laughed with disbelief. “You got it all wrong, Daddy. They broke me, and I let them.”

  He reached out and grabbed my hand. “Then why are you sitting here in one piece? Don’t mistake surviving what’s heartbreaking as being broken. I can’t even begin to imagine the hurt the culmination of all those years adds up to in strength, Radley. If there is one thing I see when I look at you, it’s strength, and fuck if I’m not the proudest father in the world.”

  I unbuckled my seatbelt and climbed over the console into his lap like I was five years old again. I shook with nervous energy as he held me together, stroking my hair and shushing me as my mind worked through all the fears that occupied the space in my head. I didn’t know how any of this would turn out or if it truly was the right thing to do, but I refused to become a statistic.

  I was Radley Cooper, survivor, and fuck if I’d let a bunch of insecure teenagers determine who I’d become. I had one week before senior year began, and for a brief second, excitement swirled around me, its unfamiliarity awakening something I hadn’t felt for years . . . Hope.

  4

  Radley

  Pulling into Gamma’s long driveway, we were greeted with the huge hundred-year-old oak trees that flanked either side. The sun that burst through the shade of the trees sparkled like dancing fragments of crystal as it cast shadows off the trunks, leaves, and creeping branches.

  A sense of relief washed over me. I hadn’t expected to feel hopeful at this point, let alone relief. But it was like worry just flitted away like a shooting star careening towards earth as it burned out. Calm overtook me, but it always did when I sensed Gamma nearby.

  Mama always told me how our connection was uncanny; that when I had colic or was behaving restless and unruly, Gamma was the one person I calmed for. She said she’d always feigned offense every time Gamma took me from one hundred to zero within seconds of being laid in her arms.

  As I grew older, she told me it was actually the best feeling in the world to see me feel just as safe in the arms of the woman who had raised her and provided her with the same protection. Now, Gamma represented Mama. I’d follow her mannerisms and compare them, feeling contentment as I watched her fold clothes with the same perfected and quick hand, or stir soup and sway her hips from side-to-side, humming to herself.

  Mama swayed just like Gamma; she was the only piece of Mama that I had left. So, any moment spent watching her brought me a sense of peace, and as crazy as it sounded, I felt that when I noticed the little things they had in common, it was a sign from Mama, dropping in to say, “I see you, baby girl.”

  It was almost ten in the morning, and as Betty got closer to the daffodil yellow two-story weatherboard farmhouse, my heart beat faster with excitement, butterflies dancing all over. My eyes swept over the familiar wrap-around porch, complete with a swing chair and perfectly kept window planters.

  As my eyes searched the only other place that felt like home, they finally landed on Gamma. Her hands were in the pockets of her cream cardigan, her blue and yellow sundress slightly blew in the breeze along with wisps of her graying dark-blonde hair. She wore a smile so big it made me think smiles like that could silence a war to its end, because it so often silenced mine.

  When Betty came to a still, Dad let out an amused chuckle. “You better get out there before she rips the door off Betty to get to you.”

  I quickly unbuckled myself and swung the passenger door open, my chucks meeting the paved stone as they hit the ground running.

  “Woohoo! There’s my girl. Get over to your Gamma, Sugarnuts. I thought you’d never get here.” I landed in her arms, her warmth encapsulated me, her scent of fresh linen and love . . . I felt it . . . home.

  “It’s about time.” She mused, pushing back and giving me the once over before she brought me back in for another hug. “And look, you wore the shirt I got you last Christmas.”

  “Yep, I thought that it was only fitting that Sugarnuts be emblazoned across my breasticles as I greeted the woman who christened me with such a strong and noble name.”

  She laughed so hard her whole body shook. “Oh, my Boo, you sure have grown into that sarcasm I blessed you with.”

  “Best form of self-sabotage this side of the Mason Dixon, Gamma.”

  “Hmm.” She grumbled as she hugged me tightly and began to sway side to side. Just like Mama. Peace filtered through me as I melted into her warm, safe arms and breathed her in.

  “Long drive, Ben?” Gamma asked. “I was expecting you late last night.”

  Dad popped the trunk and began to unload my belongings. “Long is an understatement, Miss Millicent. This one was having a hard time unclasping herself from Wyatt. We stayed in Newberry and drove the last three hours this morning. Didn’t you get my text?”

  As she gently stroked my hair and continued to rock me back and forth with a hum of satisfaction, she told us that she got the text but couldn’t stand the waiting.

  “I just about wet my adult diapers when I heard Betty roaring up the driveway.” I cackled at the kind of crude only Gamma could get away with. Somehow, she could make a curse word sound like a compliment and a raised voice sound like a Shakespearean sonnet.

  “What are you laughing at, Boo Bear? One day you’ll get to enjoy the freedom of peeing yourself in public, not a soul being any the wiser. I feel stealth, like a ninja. No one has a clue what’s going on under here
.”

  I looked up at her with pinched brows and suspicion in my eyes. “You’re not packin’ right now are you, Gamma?”

  She unwound her arms from around me and crossed them over her chest, her lips puckering as she thought about how to best answer my question. “Are we talkin’ number ones, twos or threes type packin’, Sugarnuts?”

  “I’m sorry?” I asked. “What kind of territory are we covering with a number three, Gamma? I actually have no idea why I’m asking, call it dark curiosity. No guessing who I might have got that from,” I mumbled.

  Dad chuckled as he slammed Betty’s trunk shut, picking up a suitcase in each hand as he walked over to the porch steps to meet us. “Baby girl, between your Mama, Gamma and maybe a drop of me, you had no hope. You were born with a curiosity that probably should've been shelved and not encouraged. The number one culprit though? Millicent Rose Bradbury, street name, Milly will bury-ya.”

  I looked over at Gamma. “Milly will bury-ya, ha? Oh, do tell. And while you’re at it, tell me how I can earn myself a street name like that?”

  “Look, Sugarnuts, I don’t proclaim myself as a saint. If you’re willing to go head-to-head, I will bury you, pure and simple. Hence, Milly will bury-ya. Now, street names aren’t so easy to come by here in Georgia, Boo Bear. In other places they’re a dime a dozen, but here in Everlee Falls they’re earned.”

  I laughed, shaking my head in amusement. “And how would one attain such a thing? How did you earn your title, Gamma?”

  “Well, Boo, that’s a story for another day. It’d be like handing out the secret recipe to my meatballs that your Daddy’s been trying to ascertain for years.” She turned to Dad and pointed. “Don’t bother, Benjamin Cooper, you’re not gettin’ at that until I’m dead, and maybe not even then.”

  She turned back to me and winked. Dad just groaned and headed back to Betty to keep unpacking. “Miss Radley, I don’t even think you’ve maced anyone yet, would I be correct with that assumption?”

  I scoffed, remembering how Meekai was as close as I ever got. Damn, I wished I’d carried through with it just so I could’ve set Gamma straight and made her Georgia proud.

  “Almost, Gamma, but no dice. Came close just a few nights ago.”

  Dad dropped a box next to me. “Excuse me, Miss Boo Radley Cooper? Why am I only hearing about this now? Who do I have to hunt down? I’m pretty sure that’ll earn me a Georgia street name!”

  “Cool down, Daddy Bear, it was Lucy's older brother, Cash. We were just kidding around. It wasn’t serious,” I lied. “I know Gamma has been waiting for me to bag a mace face. Well, I think that’s what she calls it?”

  She clapped her hands in agreement. “You bet your ass, Sugarnuts!”

  I giggled and drew my attention back toward Dad. “Anyhoo, it was as good a time as any. He was rude to Lucy, so I geared up with my can of Whoop Ass and . . .”

  Dad stared at me with his arms crossed. “And?”

  “And nothing. I felt guilty. I mean, it’s not his fault he’d take an electric hybrid over a Stang.”

  Dad practically spat all over me as he laughed with contempt. “What? That little fucker! You should have taken his sight. I never liked that Cash; he had a lazy eye that you couldn’t trust. Creeped me out.”

  “Daddy!” I exclaimed in mock shock. “Whatever happened to turning the other cheek?” I laughed. “But I gotta admit, he’s definitely holding some secrets in that lazy eye.”

  “Oh, Boo, what am I gonna do without my girl to keep me in line, huh?”

  I turned and walked the few steps toward Dad, wrapping myself around him. “Don’t worry, Daddy. I’m just one phone call away. We can even Facetime, that way you can see me point my finger at you in disappointment, not just hear it,” I teased.

  “That’s right Ben. I’ll make sure she gives you nothing less than a weekly shakedown to keep you in check,” Gamma said with a smile and a few reassuring back slaps.

  Gamma knew how hard leaving Dad was, and that was the one thing that was non-negotiable. Even though we’d be thirteen hours apart, I’d be checking in as if I was still in my bedroom at the top of the stairs, yelling at him to turn down the game as he berated the opposition with his high school best friends, Rebel and Sparrow, who to this day I still don't know the real names of.

  Trying to take my mind off things, I redirected a question at Gamma. “What’s a number three Gamma?”

  She drew in a breath, followed by a long exhale. “Sugarnuts, a number three is special. It’s generally set aside for the geriatric, the drunk, and newborns.”

  I looked at her in confusion and tried to gather the dots so they’d make sense.

  “It’s a shart, sweet cheeks. You know?” she questioned. “You go to sneak a cheeky fart, and instead it surprises you and follows through?”

  “Eww, Gamma, what the hell? Wouldn't that just be the same as shitting yourself?” I asked, nose scrunched in disgust.

  Gamma cackled so sharp and deep I thought she’d blow a blood vessel. “Oh, baby girl, you sure ain’t acquainted with the ways of the world, are you?”

  I blinked at her, drumming my fingers over my crossed arms as I waited for an answer.

  “Well, if looks could kill, I’d be rolling all over your Gampa’s grave naked. Fine!” She exclaimed. “It’s not a solid follow through. It’s an explosion of epic proportions. Loose, wet, makes a sound when you move. We’re talking leakage and a hefty fifteen-foot perimeter of stink that’ll destroy anyone within the vicinity of the blast zone. And the rest . . . well, that can only come from experience, and is only discussed amongst survivors. I’ve already said too much.”

  I doubled over; I couldn’t contain the laughter. Gamma had a way about her that radiated life and penetrated every cell with oxygen. She shone from the inside out and filled every corner with an unapologetic joy. Sure, she was crass, cursed like a lost sailor in a brothel, and rarely edited herself, but she pulled it off because she was genuine. Finding someone genuine in this world was difficult. The world was so busy making their social media feeds look like a verified paradise of perfection that we’d learned to believe what we saw.

  We’ve forgotten how to be what someone else might need. Real. And just like Gamma, I wanted to live unapologetic. I wanted to learn how to open myself up to a world that I had been excluded from for far too long. I just wanted to find my people.

  A loud clap rang out, shaking me away from my thoughts, alerting me to stand to attention. If Gamma clapped, you ran. You didn’t ignore her, you just turned up.

  “Geesh, Gamma. My ears popped and now they’re ringing.”

  “Sugarnuts, I’ve heard a ringing in my ears since 1977 when your Gampa and I consummated our love, and he took my virtue in the Best Western out on Cooks road. That headboard had never been as unstable as the day we separated it from the wall. You can only hit your head so many times before the ringing sets in permanently.”

  “Okay,” I flinched. “Now my ears are permanently damaged. A comment like that is designed to destroy on impact, Gams. Forget your shart. You do realize some things can be kept inside? You know, it’s like using your inside voice, except with your thoughts. You keep them buried wayyy down inside. Buried. Deep. Never to rise. Eradicated. Right into the depths of hel–”

  Gamma pierced my ears with another ear-splitting clap. “Alright, alright, I get it, Boo Bear. Your Gamma’s game has left you questioning your own.”

  I sighed and rolled my eyes. “Yes, Gamma, your game is that of which legends are made. Now are you gonna feed me some of your famous grilled cheese, or are we destined to stand here all-day worshipping at the shrine that is Milly will bury-ya?”

  She winked. “You know it, baby girl.”

  Dad bent over to pick up a suitcase in each hand. “You two make quite the pair. I have a feeling you’re right where you need to be, Radley. Now come on, let's get this stuff into your room. I want to organize everything before I leave in the morning.”

  My
chest tightened, the smile left my face as his words hit that raw place. Before I leave. Those three words strung together. Blinding pain. Three tiny words that delivered their ferocity with the impact of a nuclear missile.

  “Okay, Daddy,” I strained out as I lifted one of the lighter boxes. “Let's get this party started.”

  I faked the best smile I could, following behind Gamma and Dad as they chatted. Laughter bounced off the picturesque farmhouse, memories sprung to life like a movie reel. Mama was everywhere, the life before all of this raced behind my eyes as I tried to swallow past the emotion. I moved toward the threshold of the big wooden door; the representation of a new beginning was three feet away. Once I crossed over, there was no going back. This was it.

  Hopefully, this goodbye would be worth it. Maybe, just maybe it would be my second chance. Sometimes goodbyes are a second chance. I hear you Meekai, too bad you won’t get to buy me that pineapple pizza.

  5

  Radley

  It had been six days since I arrived at Gammas. Five days since I had to watch Dad leave. I had driven him to the bus station the morning after we got to Gammas. We stopped at Martha's Pancake Lounge and had breakfast as we discussed the new apartment he and Amy were moving into. He had two days to finish packing once he returned to Adalita.

  It was a difficult goodbye, but I was at peace with the decision we’d made. There was no place for me in Adalita, not if I wanted to find out who I really was outside of its limitations. You eventually become conditioned to believe a lie when it’s told to you enough. Adalita had downgraded me to subhuman.