by Ford, Mia
He smiles at me again and leaves; the front door snapping closed behind him. I want to jump up and punch the air, but Alicia is still in the kitchen, and that would likely confuse her. But there’s excitement bubbling in my chest.
I’ve been pining for Seth for so long. Last night, I finally got what I wanted. This morning, it was pulled away from me. I understand why, and I’m not going to argue with him over it, especially since he’s doing this for Alicia.
But that doesn’t mean I can’t try something else. This time, instead of going on the offensive, I’ll sneak in with friendship. I don’t know if anything will happen between us in the future.
But now that I’ve got the feel for him, I don’t want to let him go again.
Chapter Fourteen
Seth
When Zoe proposed that we get to know each other and become friends, I can’t deny that I felt a little thrill of excitement. What happened between us cannot happen again, but that doesn’t mean I can’t have another kind of connection with her. It seems, that in the aftermath of sleeping with her, I got the best of both worlds; I get to keep Zoe as Alicia’s nanny, and there’s no awkwardness between the two of us as we navigate the world of friendship.
At least…that was what I thought two days ago.
Now, however, I think I’m slowly being driven insane.
It turns out that it isn’t so easy to forget Zoe. Every time I see her, I’m assaulted with flashes of her wrapped around me, of her body responding so eagerly to my touch. When she smiles at me, it sends an electric spark through my body, and I have to be careful not to even brush my fingers against her.
Then there’s the way I can’t take my eyes of her. I watch the way her hips swing as she walks, the way she talks, even the way she yawns. She sneezed, yesterday, an embarrassingly loud sound, and I thought it was adorable. I’m so far gone that I’m surprised that I ever thought I could ever climb out of this hole I’ve dug for myself.
I should have known better. I knew that I was feeling something more for Zoe; watching her interact with Alicia had sparked my initial interest, and my respect for her had only grown from there. Sleeping with her only brought all those deeper feelings to the surface, and now I’m unable to push them down.
“You alright, sir?”
I look tiredly at the door. Jason is standing there, a concerned look on his face. I know I must look exhausted; I didn’t sleep very well last night, plagued instead with dreams of Zoe and her body. I started awake in the middle of the night, hard as a rock, and, after taking care of it in a shower, I had resolved not to return to sleep, lest more dreams take away the last bit of my sanity.
“Yeah, sorry, just didn’t sleep well,” I say dismissively with a yawn. “Do you have the marketing documents?”
“Right here,” Jason says, holding up a file. He puts them on my desk and looks at them closely. “Do you want to talk about it?”
We’re at work and we both have a lot to do. There’s no time to talk about personal matters. But if I don’t voice what’s going on, I think I’m either going to crack under the pressure, or I’m just going to grab Zoe the next time I see her and throw her down on my bed again.
Neither possibility can be allowed to happen.
“It’s Zoe,” I say, rubbing my temples.
“Did she do something wrong?” Jason asks, puzzled.
I snort. “I wish. That would make this easier.”
I tell him what happened, the story spilling from me in a rush. Despite the increasingly incredulous look on Jason’s face, I feel relieved to finally say something to someone. Maybe he can slap me around the head and knock some sense into me.
“Woah,” Jason replies in shock. He pauses. “Is Zoe the first since…?”
“Since Rose,” I finish when he trails off, not wanting to say it. “Yes, she is.”
“Maybe it’s just a proximity thing?” Jason suggests. “She’s young and she’s pretty, and she’s good with Alicia, too. Maybe if you just take a step back and think about it like that, it’ll all go away?”
“That’s easier said than done,” I groan.
Suddenly, Jason laughs, and I look at him with betrayed eyes.
“I’m glad you find some humor in this situation,” I snap.
“I’m sorry,” Jason says, though there’s a grin spreading across his face. “Come on, can’t you see that this is a little funny? I know it’s a problem for you, but you’ve spent so much time avoiding the opposite sex – with good reason, I know – and now Zoe comes along and you can’t stop thinking about her. I bet Rose is up there having a good laugh at you, too.”
I scowl at him, but I can’t help but think he’s right. Rose always had an odd sense of humor. If she is watching over me, I know she would find great amusement in my plight. No doubt she would be cheering Zoe on, too. She would want me to be happy, after all.
But it isn’t that easy. Maybe, if I hadn’t hired Zoe, I might have given it a shot. But it would never have worked, anyway. Between my lingering feelings for Rose and my dedication to Alicia, I can’t let anyone else in my life. The proof of that is that Zoe has been living next door to me for years, and I never saw her, not until I hired her.
It makes me feel a little bad. How many other people have I missed because I haven’t stopped to look around? It makes sense that Jason and, perhaps, Matt, my easy-going driver, are my only friends, and the only reason I’m even connected to either of them was through my work.
I pause at this realization.
When did my life start revolving only around work and Alicia?
“Look, Seth, I get that you’re worried about losing Zoe if things go wrong, for Alicia’s sake,” Jason says. “But maybe you should give it a shot?”
“What?” I ask, startled; that’s the total opposite of what I hoped he would say.
“It’s been a real long time since you’ve met anyone new,” Jason points out, unknowingly echoing my own thoughts. “You see the people at work during the day, and you see the nannies for all of two seconds in the mornings and evenings. You should do something for yourself for a change.”
I scowl at him. “I happen to like my life the way it is.”
We both know it’s a lie the moment the words leave my lips. I’m not really living, if I’m honest with myself. My business and Alicia; those are the only two things I have. That and the ever-increasing anxiety over my problems with Alicia.
Then, without warning, Zoe crashed into my life. She took all the pieces that shattered on the floor, and she began to put them back together, starting with Alicia.
It startled me, several days ago, to realize that I don’t worry about Alicia as much while she’s with Zoe. Because I know that Zoe won’t let her run riot. And, in the time that we’ve known Zoe, Alicia has begun to bloom into the sweet child I know she can be, the one that she was hiding beneath anger and anxiety and depression because she only had me and I was never there.
Worrying about Alicia, however, had taken up a large portion of my time. Now that I don’t have to worry about her anymore, I find it easier to focus on work. But I also find it easier to think about the mess my life is and how dissatisfied I am with the current status quo.
Rose would scold me if she was here, I can’t help but think with a small smile. Then I notice that thoughts of my departed wife aren’t as painful as they once were, that they’ve been getting less and less painful as I associate with Zoe, and I close my eyes, feeling an odd mixture of freedom and loss.
“There are multiple reasons why it wouldn’t be a good idea for Zoe and me to be together,” I say to Jason. “All of them revolve around Alicia. She adores Zoe, in her own way. She’s actually letting Zoe teach her manners and letters and numbers. If this keeps up, she’ll be more than ready to go to school. I can’t afford to lose her as a nanny.”
Jason gives me an unimpressed look.
“That sounds like you’ve given up on anything working out between the two of you before you even tried,” he points out
.
I roll my eyes at him.
“I appreciate your opinion, but I didn’t realize you were so invested in my love life,” I say wryly.
Jason laughs. “I just worry about you. You never come out for a beer with me, and you always look so run down. You never know, maybe Zoe will be good for you, too.”
Privately, I think that Zoe has been worse for my health, especially since her ongoing presence in my head is preventing me from sleeping.
“All I’m saying is that you should think about it,” Jason says with a shrug. “You never know what’s going to happen.”
“I know,” I say, a wry smile curling at my lips. “That’s the problem.”
I sigh. What I need is to get away from the situation for a few days and get my head in order. But there’s no way that I can do that. I could leave Alicia with Zoe, but I don’t want to. Alicia barely gets to see me as it is, and I can’t bear leaving her behind, not when I know that most of her issues stem from how little she sees me in the first place.
“I’ll think about it later,” I say firmly. “Right now, we have work to finish.”
“Yes, sir,” Jason says with a laugh, and I have a sneaking suspicion that the amusement on his face is over my predicament.
I scowl. I need better friends, clearly, if the ones that I have are only going to laugh at me.
* * *
It’s with some trepidation that I open the door to my own home, half-expecting to see Zoe in the hall. I’m very early, since we managed to get out quickly.
There’s no one in the hall, though I can hear sounds from the living room. I drop my briefcase on the stairs, so I don’t forget it, and head to the open door. Zoe and Alicia are sitting on the floor; they’ve put the blocks together in a huge, colorful spaceship, and they’re currently holding it above Alicia’s head, laughing as they try and keep it from falling apart.
I take a moment to study Zoe. Her features are alight with mirth, and I can’t help but think she’s more beautiful than ever. Memories of the other night begin to creep in, and I force them away; now isn’t the time.
I clear my throat and they look up, startled. Alicia’s face instantly brightens and she drops her end of the spaceship, making the whole thing fall apart, so she can scramble to her feet and throw herself at me.
“Daddy!” she cries.
“Hello, Alicia,” I say, catching her. “I’m home early today.”
“I see that,” Zoe says, amused. “Any particular reason?”
“We closed a deal with another company,” I tell her, pleased at the success. “We all decided to go home early to celebrate.”
Well, Jason had tried his absolute best to convince me to go out with him, but I can’t think of any better reward than seeing Alicia and getting home early to have dinner with her. I have precious little time with my daughter during the week, so it’s nice to have a couple extra hours.
“Well, if you’re here, I should head home,” Zoe says, standing and stretching.
“No, stay for dinner,” I say,
The words escape without my permission. Later, I will brush it off as me smelling the food in the kitchen, and feeling bad that she was going to leave when she cooked dinner for everyone.
But, in all honesty, I just didn’t want her to leave yet.
“Sure,” she says, looking surprised. “We cooked fish and vegetables.”
“I chose the vegetables,” Alicia says importantly.
“Sounds great,” I say with a smile down at my daughter. “I’m sure it will be delicious.”
Alicia grins and races away, leading the way to the kitchen. She’s excited and I wonder if it’s because this will be the first time she’s had both Zoe and me with her other than the brief moments when we pass each other in the morning.
I exchange an amused look with Zoe, and we follow her. The smells from the stove are wonderful, and my stomach grumbles eagerly, making Zoe laugh. She winks at me as she opens the oven, and I have to look away, turning my eyes on Alicia to disguise my discomfort.
“So, what did the two of you do all day?” I asked.
“We went shopping!” Alicia says, almost vibrating in the excitement as she rushed to tell her story. “We saw a clown!”
“A clown?” I ask, blinking at Zoe.
“There was someone dressed as a clown, handing out balloons and fliers to promote a local business,” she explains.
“Did you get a balloon?” I ask Alicia.
“Yeah!” Alicia says. Then she deflates. “I popped it.”
“So, tomorrow, we’re going to go out and get some more balloons,” Zoe adds.
“Sounds good,” I laugh. “Make sure the two of you save a balloon for me.”
Alicia beams at me. Then I look at Zoe. There’s a strange look in her eyes as she gazes between me and Alicia, one that is deeply fond. It makes my breath catch as I see it, and I can’t tear my eyes away.
The spell is broken when she suddenly grins and says something to Alicia about drawing pictures on the balloons. I don’t really hear. Instead, I am taken over by the sudden, startling realization that Zoe and I can’t be friends.
Because, if we try, I’m never going to stop wanting her.
Chapter Fifteen
Zoe
Having Seth’s attention, even if it’s only in our bid to become friends, is nice, I decided in the early days. For the first two days, he made an effort to ask me questions and offered me information about himself, and I found myself falling deeper and deeper for him with every passing moment. But at least I still have him in my life.
Until, all of a sudden, it stopped.
I’m not sure what happened. But, after the night he came home early and the three of us had dinner together, something has changed. Now, Seth isn’t interested in talking anymore; he comes home, bids me goodnight and claims that he needs to go to bed because he is terribly tired. In the morning, he is already rushing out the door, barely meeting my eyes.
A day or two of this is understandable. After all, he has a demanding job. So I ignored it, at first, and concentrated on looking after Alicia.
Now, however, it is Friday, over a week since this behavior started, and I know something is up. I just don’t know what.
I tried to catch him as he left that morning, hoping to ask him what was going on. Is he starting to feel so ashamed about what happened between us that he can’t meet my eyes? Or has he decided that he doesn’t really want me in his life after all? Not knowing is killing me, but he slips out of my grasp every time I want to demand answers.
As such, it’s with a sigh that I return to the kitchen, frustrated and depressed. So much for my grand plan to be in his life in some capacity.
If only there is some way to end this odd stalemate…
Then I lay eyes on Alicia, and the answer comes to me. A smile curves my lips.
“Hey, Alicia?” I ask casually. “Do you want to go to the park on the weekend?”
Alicia looks up, suddenly excited, her eyes wide.
“With you and daddy?” she asks.
“Well…we need to ask your father,” I hedge. “But you can ask him if he can come?”
I feel a little guilty. I’m using Alicia to get to Seth by promising her something she wants. By telling her to talk to her father, I know that she’ll wear him down until he agrees, and Seth will have no choice but to spend time with the two of us.
“Let’s go tomorrow!” Alicia says. “Daddy says he’s going to work from home tomorrow!”
I’m taken aback by this. Seth hasn’t mentioned anything about that to me. Then again, he’s barely talking to me. I narrow my eyes slightly. It’s one thing when he doesn’t want to have a personal conversation with me.
It’s quite another when he decides not to tell me something that could affect my job.
“I see,” I say, pasting on a smile for Alicia’s sake. I don’t feel guilty about setting the little girl on her father anymore. “Then tomorrow sounds good to go.”
“Yay!” Alicia cheers. “I’m going to call him now!”
She abandons the toys we were playing with and runs for the kitchen, where a phone is installed on the wall. For a moment, I wonder how she can call her father, then I remember the little note of phone numbers on the wall; it’s one of the first things Seth showed me in case of an emergency.
I follow Alicia to the kitchen and watch as - her expression, one of intense concentration - she slowly dials a number on the cordless phone she has picked up. Then she presses it against her ear.
I smile to myself. Looks like we’ll be going to the park tomorrow.
* * *
There’s a grumpy expression on Seth’s face when I arrive the next morning, and I fight not to giggle at him. It had taken nearly half an hour of begging on Alicia’s part, and I had to take the phone off her at one point to finish the negotiations, but we all eventually reached a compromise; Seth would come to the park with us, but he had to bring his work with him.
No doubt he knows that this is all my fault. After all, I allowed Alicia to phone him. I ignore his dirty look, however, and breeze past him, uncaring. He wants to ignore me and suddenly treat me like I don’t exist? Then he doesn’t have the right to complain.
“Zoe!” Alicia cheers when she sees me. There’s a large bag on the floor of the kitchen, a thick blanket sitting on top of it. “Are you ready?”
“I am,” I say with a smile. “Are you?”
“Yep!” Alicia says proudly.
“What park are we going to?” Seth asks, coming up behind me.
“The one nearby,” I assure him. “It’s only a few blocks away. Alicia and I cut through it all the time.”
Seth sighs. “Let’s go, then.”
He at least manages to smile at Alicia as she bounds over to hold his hand, and he picks up the bag in his other hand, leaving me to carry the blanket. Then we’re off. I wonder, for a moment, how long it’s been since Seth walked anywhere; it’s almost strange to see him leaving through the gate without the familiar black car waiting for him.
