by Ford, Mia
Alicia is in high spirits, swinging her hand, the one linked with her father’s, back and forth, skipping every few steps. I share a smile with Seth before he realizes and looks away. I roll my eyes. This has gone on for too long.
The park isn’t overly crowded. There are a handful of kids swinging around the play equipment, and a couple of parents milling around the area, watching them closely. The three of us find a spot in the shade and set up the blanket; spreading it out, I can see that it’s large enough to fit all three of us comfortably.
“I bought some food!” I say, holding up a bag that I had picked up that morning.
“What is it?” Seth asks curiously. “I didn’t think to pack anything other than snacks and drinks.”
“Chinese!” I say proudly, pulling out three cardboard containers. “I asked Alicia what you normally like, Seth, so I hope it’s okay.”
“Chinese?” Seth asks, puzzled. “Where did you get it from?”
“Take-out place down the road,” I say with a shrug. “They open early most days.”
Seth looks at the containers and his nose wrinkles slightly. It occurs to me that Seth isn’t the type of person to eat take-out. I hide a smile at the look on his face.
That expression, however, turns to shock when Alicia eagerly grabs the container I pass her and digs in. She and I have eaten take-out Chinese a few times, now, and she has no problem with the cheap food.
I consider it a small victory when Seth hesitantly begins eating as well, blinking as he realizes that it actually tastes good. I chuckle, and he makes a face at me, almost as though everything is back to normal.
Once we finish eating, Alicia is off, darting away to the equipment and the other children. Seth watches her go.
“Do you think she’ll play with them?” he asks.
“Probably not,” I admit. “She’s not used to being around other children, yet. Maybe we should bring her here more often.”
“It’s not a bad idea,” Seth says with a shrug. “She’ll be around other children at school, so she should probably get used to it.”
“True,” I say, watching as she climbs a ladder and then tumbles down the plastic slide, paying no attention to the others playing around her. “She might even make some friends.”
Seth smiles. “I’d like nothing more than to see that.”
His expression is soft as he looks at Alicia. The thought enters my mind that I’d really like him to look at me like that, someday, but I push it away. Right now, I need to just concentrate on making Seth talk to me again.
I see the moment Seth realizes that it’s just me and him here. He blinks and then clears his throat, pulling a large folder out of the bag.
“I should probably do some work,” he says.
“You could,” I agree. “Or we can talk about why you’re avoiding me.”
He frowns at me. “I’m not avoiding you.”
I don’t say anything, just look at him. He at least has the decency to flush at the obvious lie.
“I thought we were going to get to know each other better?” I say, and I can’t stop the hurt that creeps into my voice. “Maybe even become friends?”
“We are friends,” Seth assures me.
I scowl. “Give me a break, Seth. We started trying to become friends, but then you started giving me the cold shoulder. What happened?”
I half expect Seth just to deny it. But he sighs, instead.
“I have a lot to think about,” he offers. “And I’m sorry if that’s making you think I’m avoiding you.”
I give him a narrow look. I still don’t think he’s telling me the whole truth. Maybe I should try and get it out of him; I’ve become quite good, by now, at figuring out what makes him flustered. If he doesn’t want to look at me, I can easily force him to.
Then I remember that we’re in a public park, and there are a lot of children around, including Alicia. It wouldn’t be appropriate.
I sigh. Maybe choosing to go to the park wasn’t the best idea. I should have suggested that we have a tea party at home instead.
Though Alicia seems to be having fun, and that makes the frustration worth it.
“It’s fine,” I say, though it really isn’t. “Anyway, don’t you have work to do?”
Something like regret crosses Seth’s face, and he opens his mouth to say something. Whatever it is, however, is lost when Alicia suddenly turns up.
“Zoe!” she says, grabbing my arm. “Come play on the swings with me!”
“What?” I ask, startled by her request.
Alicia opens her mouth and then she pauses, thinking.
“Can you please play on the swings with me?” she asks again.
She must have taken my surprise for an admonishment. I can’t help but smile and ruffle her blonde hair, pleased.
“Since you asked so nicely,” I say, pulling myself to my feet.
“Yay!” Alicia says, and races off, wanting to claim a swing before another child gets to it.
I smile and look down at Seth. I hesitate at the odd expression on his face.
“Is something wrong?” I ask.
“No…” Seth says and then laughs. “You know, I’m sitting right here, but she didn’t ask me to play. She asked you. I think that’s the first time she’s ever gone to someone else before she came to me.”
“Is that okay?” I ask, frowning.
“Of course it is,” Seth says firmly. “It means Alicia’s world is expanding. I’m really happy.” He hesitates. “Though maybe a little jealous, too.”
“You’re still number one in Alicia’s world,” I remind him.
Suddenly, he smiles at me. He hasn’t smiled at me all week, so the expression catches me off-guard.
“I know,” he says. “I also know that she’s in good hands with you, Zoe. If she had to choose anyone to let in, I’m glad she’s chosen you.”
I blush. It’s high praise, indeed, from the man whose life revolves around his daughter.
“Zoe!” I heard Alicia call. “I got a swing!”
“Looks like she’s calling,” I joke. “You sure you don’t want to go instead?”
“She asked you,” Seth reminds me. “Go ahead, I’ve got a lot to do, anyway.”
He gestures at the folder and I nod before walking away. Alicia is sitting on the swing, her eyes eager as she watches me approach, and I know I’m in for at least half an hour of pushing her backward and forward.
I can’t help but look back for a moment, though. Seth is looking my way, but there’s a faraway expression on his face, as though he isn’t really seeing me. He looks oddly sad.
He’s a man that is suddenly realizing that he isn’t the only one in his daughter’s world anymore. For so long, it was just him and Alicia. Then I came along and forced my way into their lives. Now, Alicia has two people in her life, and it’s just the gateway she needed to start meeting others.
Perhaps Seth wasn’t ready for this, despite how much he wanted it. It suddenly occurs to him that Alicia isn’t the only one who has to learn to loosen the iron grip she has on the only family she has left.
I turn away from Seth, my heart clenching at how lonely he looks. I’m not stealing his daughter away. I’m just broadening both their worlds. I’m helping Alicia realize that it’s possible to have more people in her life than just her father and, in turn, that helps Seth understand that there’s more to life that just working, looking after his daughter, and rattling around with the memories of his once-loved wife. It might be hard now, especially on Seth, but it will help them both move on, in the end.
I close my eyes, center myself, and make my way toward where Alicia is impatiently waiting for me, not looking back at Seth again. I know that, if I look back a second time, I might not be able to look away.
Chapter Sixteen
Seth
Despite the fact that I spent most of my time at the park doing work, only half keeping an eye on Alicia and Zoe as they ran around the park, it was fun. I can’t
remember the last time I went anywhere just to relax, and it was nice to sit in the sun and soak in the atmosphere. I hadn’t wanted to go in the first place, but now I’m glad that I did.
It also gave me a new perspective. Zoe’s demand to know what’s going on with me filled me with shame. I thought I was doing the right thing, but I suddenly realize what it must look like to Zoe when I suddenly decided to ignore her, other than in a professional capacity. It must have seemed like I was playing games with her by pretending to want to be friends one moment, and then pulling away the next.
I don’t think she completely accepted my excuse, but she didn’t say anything for the rest of the day. She simply bid us both farewell when we got back home and left, promising to see us both again on Monday. She didn’t appear to be upset, which, ironically, worried me even more.
I know that I’m treating Zoe unfairly. Ever since we slept together, something between us has changed irreparably. It’s more than just the fact that I can’t get the memories of her delicious body out of my head, or because I spend my nights dreaming of her being wrapped around me.
It’s everything about her.
In the mornings, I feel excited to see her. In the evenings, there’s a part of me that wishes that she didn’t leave. I want to see her smile.
It’s been a long time since I felt anything as deeply as this for another person. I don’t want to encourage these feelings, but they won’t go away. So, for my sake and Zoe’s, I thought it would be best if I didn’t get so close. In the end, though, it seems I’ve caused more harm than good.
Is it possible for Zoe and I to be friends? I wonder this as I lay in bed, staring unseeingly up at the ceiling.
If I give in and allow Zoe to get in close, I’m worried that I won’t be able to pull myself away again. I can’t afford to lose Zoe as my nanny.
No…
I roll over and look at the picture beside my bed. I wonder if Zoe saw it when she stayed the night in this room. There are only two pictures of Rose on display in this house. The first is by the front door. The second is right here.
Rose’s death was painful. Her death is also part of the reason why I haven’t allowed myself to get close to anyone since. I don’t want to go through that pain again. I just want to concentrate on helping all I have left of Rose, my beautiful daughter. I’ll love Alicia enough for both myself and Rose, and I’ll give her everything I have.
Now, though, Alicia has opened her heart to someone else, and I’m not the only one in her life anymore. It’s wonderful to see.
It’s also oddly lonely.
I sigh and bury my face in my pillow. It doesn’t really matter. Alicia, Rose… They’re just excuses. None of those excuses answers the real question.
What do I do from here?
* * *
I wake up in the morning with the knowledge that it’s Sunday and that we won’t see Zoe today. It’s her one day off in the week. I try to ignore how odd it feels to think that she won’t be here, and roll over, intending on trying to catch an extra few minutes of sleep on the one day off I have, as well.
Then my door bangs open and a blonde blur tears into the room and jumps on my bed, landing directly on my stomach.
“Oof!” I cough, all the breath whooshing out of me.
“Good morning, daddy!” Alicia chirps, looking pleased with herself. “Time to get up!”
I groan, but I know ignoring her won’t help. I sit up, making her fall onto the mattress with a giggle, and yawn.
“Alright, monster,” I say good-naturedly. “What do you want to do today?”
Normally, Alicia spends most of the week thinking of what she and I can do together on my day off. Her ideas are usually crazy, but we can usually make something of them. Today, though, Alicia just shrugs, and I can understand why; yesterday we went to the park and now she’s a bit confused at having a second day in the row to do something.
What is something she would like to do? I wrack my mind to think of something, and then I hit on an idea.
“We could invite Zoe around?” I suggest.
If I invite Zoe around, I can apologize to her. Then maybe we can try this friends thing once more.
I’m surprised, however, at the way Alicia lights up at the suggestion. I didn’t think she would want anyone else around on the only day she and I spend together, but it seems she’s pleased with the idea of having both Zoe and I to herself.
“Yeah!” she cheers. “Get up, daddy! We need to go!”
She leaps off the bed and races off, heading, no doubt, to her room to get dressed. I chuckle and shake my head, levering myself off the bed so I can find some clean clothes.
In half an hour, after a quick shower and a few slices of toast, we’re ready to go. I help Alicia into her shoes as she wriggles impatiently, and she shoots out the door the moment I open it.
Then she stops and looks back.
“Where does Zoe live?” she asks.
I laugh. “Just next door, Alicia. See the house, there, with the pretty garden? That’s Zoe’s house!”
Alicia gazes at the house I’m pointing to in awe. Then she beams and races down the path, her dress fluttering around her.
“Hurry up!” she calls to me.
I shake my head and rush after her. I reach her as she strains to lift the latch on the gate, easily taking it out of her hands.
“Go on,” I urge. “I bet Zoe will be happy to see you.”
Alicia darts ahead, rounding the little garden wall to bound up the path to Zoe’s front door. I follow at a more sedate pace as Alicia knocks enthusiastically, and I walk up the steps to the porch just as the door opens to reveal a confused Zoe.
“Alicia?” she asks. She’s dressed in track pants and an old, paint-covered shirt, her hair a mess. I know I’ve got it bad when I think that she’s still absolutely gorgeous. “Seth? What are the two of you doing here?”
“Did you just get up?” Alicia asks, eyeing Zoe’s clothes.
Zoe appears to suddenly realize what she’s wearing, and she flushes, clearing her throat.
“Uh, no, I was painting,” she says with a quick, nervous smile. She steps back. “Did you guys want to come in?”
Alicia needs no further invitation. She ducks under Zoe’s arm, and I give her a quick, apologetic smile as I follow my daughter into the house.
“Sorry about this,” I say.
“No, it’s fine,” Zoe says, running her hand through her hair and messing it up further. “Is there something wrong?”
“No, Alicia just wanted to ask you if you’d come and visit us,” I say, deciding not to mention that it was originally my idea. “I hope you don’t mind; I know it’s your day off.”
Zoe looks touched. “I don’t mind. That’s very sweet of her.”
“So, would you like to…” I start.
“Daddy, can we visit Zoe’s house instead?” Alicia suddenly cries, rushing back into the room, her eyes almost sparkling. She had gone into the back room. “Please?”
“I thought you wanted Zoe to come over?” I ask, surprised.
“No, I want to stay here!” Alicia says.
“Uh…” I look at Zoe, who laughs.
“It’s fine, if you don’t mind,” she tells me.
“Then we can stay for a little while,” I decide.
Alicia cheers and turns to Zoe.
“Can I paint?” she begs.
“Ah!” Zoe says in sudden comprehension. “You saw my painting, right?” She smiles at the little girl. “Let me get you an art book and some paints. And a shirt,” she adds, eyeing Alicia’s yellow dress.
“Thanks, I appreciate that,” I laugh. “The dry cleaner complained last week when I gave her some of Alicia’s clothes with paint on them.”
Zoe flushes at the memory. From what she had said, Alicia had grabbed a tube of red paint and squeezed it all over herself and the carpet. The cleaner hadn’t been too impressed, either.
It doesn’t take us long to get Alicia stat
ioned at Zoe’s kitchen table. Only then do I take a moment to look around, curious to see more of the place where the nanny lives.
It isn’t a large house. There are only two bedrooms, one of which Zoe has turned into an art room, and a large open space that serves as the living room. The kitchen and dining room are in the same area. There isn’t a lot of room to move, and it’s nowhere near as large as my own home, but it’s quaint and homely. It’s easy to see traces of Zoe everywhere in this place.
“Okay, I’ve packed away anything that Alicia shouldn’t be getting into,” Zoe says quietly, sidling up beside me. “But I think she’ll be occupied with art for a little while.”
“Sounds good,” I whisper back. “Thanks for doing this.”
“It’s no problem,” Zoe says with a laugh. “I wasn’t doing much, anyway.”
For a long moment, the two of us stand and watch Alicia. The silence soon stretches into awkwardness, however, as I realize that I have nothing to talk to her about.
Zoe has been my daughter’s nanny for several weeks, by now. I know several things about her, but we’ve never really sat down to have a conversation. We’ll chat, on occasion, as we pass each other, but that’s the extent of it. Now, faced with the next few hours in her company, at her house, I’m at a loss.
I’m not the only one feeling it either. Zoe is glancing at me out of the corner of her eye, her shoulders tensing. It’s so odd that two of us, who have been stripped bare before each other, can be feeling this level of schoolyard awkwardness.
As seconds stretch into minutes, I clear my throat.
“So… I guess I wanted to say that I’m sorry,” I offer. Zoe’s shoulders instantly relax, and she gives me a small smile. “I overthought some things. I didn’t mean to make you feel like I was playing games with you.”
“It’s okay,” Zoe says. “But, you know, you could have talked to me about it.” She gives me a sharp grin. “I don’t bite…much.”
Inexplicably, my mind immediately goes to the way she had bitten my neck, sucking at the… I cut the thought off immediately.
