Diary of a Submissive (a Tomb of Ashen Tears Book 4)

by Kailee Reese Samuels

  “They have Deacon,” she says. “We aren’t invisible.”

  “Everything has been so weird since the shooting,” I ponder, touching her face. “It’s like our whole world went off its axis that day.”

  “Because it did,” she mutters, thinking. “Sal and I were together for the first time since we both accepted our roles in the criminal underworld.”

  “You were the couple to eliminate and earned immediate targets on your backs.”

  “We successfully managed to do that,” she points out, blinking her sapphires at me. “We did many things wrong that we won’t ever redeem ourselves for…”

  “It isn’t your fault,” I contend, rolling onto my back. “None of it.”

  She hesitates. “Being here with you…like this…”

  “It’s not a mistake.”

  “We both know it’s not right either,” she confides the truth I know. We’re both lost without Sal. I may be the glue that keeps him together, but he is the glue that bonds Iris to me. I feel wrong blistering her ass, and the constant need to look over my shoulder is starting to wear me down. “I don’t know. Maybe I just need a change of scenery.”

  “Where do you want to go? Home to Texas? New Orleans? Back to Japan? Timbuktu? Pick a place, and we’ll go there.”

  “I need to get Noah away from CAE.”

  “You’re not doing that,” I snap. “But I happen to know a couple of guys who would happily abduct him.”

  “I want to meet Merritt…”

  “What about Raine?” I ask, knowing we’re on thin ice. “She’s charming…and conniving…and exactly like Sal and Kaci…”

  “Lovely!” she booms. “Tomorrow! And then we get in the Raptor and go home to New Orleans.”

  “What do you want to do with Noah?”

  “Are Merritt and Raine still with Jaid?”

  “No, they’re with Henney and G-Man, who live next door to Jaid and Abel.”

  Her eyes widen. “You’re kidding…”

  “No,” I mutter, twisting my rings. “Henney and Jaid are very close.”

  “Like…close?”

  “I dunno,” I laugh, lifting my hands. “But it’s working for them. I asked Merritt if he wants to live with me, but he doesn’t want to leave Raine. And she is like smitten with Jaid.”

  “That runs in the family,” she quips with a giggle. Her fingers rub mine. “I should go say hi to Henney. I haven’t seen her in years.”

  “Just be warned,” I say, touching her arm. “Sal has round the clock protection on all of them. The outside of their property looks like a prison. He’s fully using The Commission.”

  “How so?”

  “He was married to Kaci, and Jaid is her sister...”

  “He put grace on Jaid?”

  I nod. “I understand how he managed that more than I do, Skeet.”

  She scowls as I get under her skin. “I know he doesn’t have it on me anymore.”

  “You aren’t speaking,” I say. “There is no viable reason.”

  “He’s fucking Hannah...”

  “No,” I defend. “He’s listed her as his Mistress, but they’re more D/s than that.”

  “... She is his submissive?”

  “Oh, yeah.” I play it up, so she’ll stay with me. We don’t need her running wild and free. “It’s okay, Iris. I have you, and I love you.”

  Immediately, she asks, “Can I make love to you?”

  “You don’t have to ask,” I reply, stroking her cheek and knowing I have her devotion if she believes fucking me will hurt Sal. She’ll keep fighting for our relationship even though we’re both twitching without him. “Look, whatever happens with or without Sal, I am here for you. For the rest of my life…. stop worrying you are going to be alone because that is never going to happen, Iris.” I seal the deal, meaning every word, and staying true to my submissive and my Master.

  She kisses my lips and straddles over me. “I’m just scared, and I’m so fucking tired.”

  “I know, baby.”

  Her lips run kisses down to my belly, and she sucks my cock. I won’t lose her, and there is only one man I will let have her, but he best be prepared to share because I have agreed to all of this.

  I latch my fingers to her hand as she lifts to guide me in. “How much influence do you have in Sanctum?”

  “None,” I honestly admit. “Saint only serves as the treasurer for their funds. Why do you ask?”

  “I need two spots…one in Chicago and one in Boston.”

  “What are you doing?”

  “Being a mother when I can’t be one,” she informs, slicking against my shaft. “And you can blame yours for this.” I furrow my brow. “If I toss the boys a few toys over in the yard, they’ll play with them.”

  “And then what happens?”

  “Mass power outage.”

  “O—kay,” I mumble, laying my hands on her hips. “And when do the lights come back on?”

  “They’re looking at the long dark tunnel of one unholy, pissed off mother.”

  “I hate to think of what you’re about to do,” I muse as she takes long strides on my dick. “You’re about to cause a war.”

  Rolling her hips, she asks, “Would I do that?”

  “You would if it meant getting Morpheus north of the Mason-Dixon,” I guess, and she grins. “You are such a manipulative lil thing. You play like Sal does.”

  “I want the players to abide by the rules. Campanelli and Raniero never have, and they deserve exactly what I am about to dish out.”

  My hands skirt under her shirt, feeling her breasts. “And if I want in?”

  “What do you want?” she lures with a moan. “Tell Mama what she can give you.”

  “I want Sal back on the board because the game is more fun with his insanity.”

  “He already is,” she acknowledges, taking all of me. “Or I assume it’s him causing shit in Europe.”

  “Would he do that?”

  “I don’t know,” she says, slowing to barely a roll. “Someone is trying to gather the smaller outfits into one.”

  I play dumb because I’m just a biker. “I don’t know if he would do that. He’s very focused on his work with Masa.”

  “What are they doing?”

  I shrug. “Masa is teaching him a few things.”

  “That sounds too blasé.”

  “Sal loves Japan,” I prod, trying a different angle. “He’s all about those noodles.”

  “Mhmm!” She lays her hand on my chest. “What is he up to?”

  “If I did know, and I am not saying I do, what does it matter?”

  “He’s still got an ass worth watching, Deacon.”

  Don’t I know it.

  “You’re up early,” I say to Ma, sitting at my kitchen table. It’s still dark out. “… What gives?”

  “Yeah, well,” she mumbles, flicking her ashes into the full ashtray. “It’s later in the day on the other side of the world.”

  “Why do you look like that?”

  “Because my second son has gone nuts.”

  I pour a cup of coffee and wobble over to her. “What’s going on?”

  “Did you know he is working with Masa on getting more Asian distributors?”

  “Yeah,” I comment, looking around and making sure we’re alone. “And I also know he’s working Europe.”

  “How the hell is he doing that?”

  “He’s Sal,” I reply, swiping one of her smokes. “And he’s good at the hustle. He knows a lot of people.”

  “Are you involved?”

  “Substantially,” I answer with a straight face. “As in, almost everything I have.”

  “Holy shit, Deacon!” She grabs my hand. “With everything going on with Iris? Do you know who you are sleeping with?”

  “I do,” I assure, sipping the joe. “We’re going to visit Cat and the kids, and then we’re going home to New Orleans.”

  “What about Texas?”

  “She wants to go to The Dol
lhouse.”

  Stubbing her cigarette out, she sighs, “Is she trying to lure whoever issued the warning out?”

  “Maybe,” I say, “But, I have her. I’m taking most of the guys back with me.”

  “It’s risky,” she warns. “She was safer under The Commission.”

  “I know,” I agree. “We’re not back there yet, though.”

  She tilts her head, curiously. “… Are you aiming to get there?”

  “I am aiming to do whatever it takes to get the three of us back on stable ground. Being apart isn’t working for either one of them. They need one another too much. He’s so bad off that Amber showed up, and he did nothing.”

  “… Is she still breathing?”

  “Yeah,” I snicker. “She wanted a booty call, and he flat out rejected her ass.”

  “I don’t believe for one second that Iris didn’t meet with her.”

  “No one does,” I say, glancing outside. “We all think there is a connection between Iris and Amber. And until Sal figures out what that is, he isn’t killing her.”

  “What’s with Oki Hada living with Dom and Megan?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “Now, you’re lying,” she accuses, pursing her lips. “You know, I can see the guilt in your eyes.” I smirk. “What is he doing?”

  “Playing a very strategic game.”

  “He’s going to overthrow her,” she whispers, leaning in close. “Isn’t he?”

  “We will do whatever we think is necessary to protect the Lotus Queen and facilitate our growth,” I stoically report, sounding like a business plan. “What Sal is doing is imperative for Lotus’ survival. Iris is shooting in the dark, and at some point, she’s going to get hurt.”

  “You realize if you two clowns turn her upside down, you will have more than a crownless Queen on your hands, right?”

  “All I know is I am here for Sal—whatever he needs.”

  “Please tell me you’ve been using protection with her.”

  I shrug. “She’s been bleeding for months. She’s sick.”

  She stops and glares at me. “What do you mean sick?”

  “Severe anemia,” I confide. “Doctors are talking blood transfusions.”

  Her expression shifts to a genuine concern. “Does Sal know that?”

  “No,” I say, shaking my head. “And he isn’t going to.”

  With a mischievous grin, she quips, “If a little bird told him…”

  “I will clip that little bird’s wings real fast,” I cackle.

  “He deserves to know,” she stresses, laying her hand on my arm. “He is still in love with her, Deacon.”

  I run my finger along the rim of the coffee cup. “I know he is…”

  “What are you doing?”

  “Keeping the vultures like Durante Costa at bay.”

  Her brows crash into a tight line. “Are you going to marry her?”

  “I don’t have a fucking clue, Ma. My instructions were pretty clear to do whatever was necessary, to not let anyone else have her, and I won’t.”

  She snarls. “You only bend for one, and his name is Sal Raniero.”

  “I’ve been committed to that man since I was twenty-three.”

  “I know,” she says, nodding. “You’re like an old married couple, and he’s got you on his ball and chain.”

  “You should reverse that.”

  She shoots a stupefied glare. “Sal…catches?”

  I laugh. “Oh, yeah…he does.”

  An unsettled look shrouds over her eyes. “You know I never planned on my only son…the only one I raised…being gay.”

  “I’m not gay, Ma.”

  “Deacon Vincent! Shhh!” she scolds. “I never planned on my only son being bisexual. Better?”

  “Yes,” I say, nodding.

  “But I’m proud of you and the choices you’ve made. And I couldn’t love that young man anymore, even if he was my own. Whatever you do,” she urges, glancing upstairs. “Don’t lose Sally.”

  “I’m not gonna lose Sally.” I smirk. “I’m too in love with him.”

  “You need to find a wife who will love you.”

  I roll my eyes. “Don’t go down this road, Ma.”

  “You’ve hit some rough patches with Sal, though, and I worry.”

  “Don’t worry,” I assure. “I will be good. We will be good. I don’t want some random bitch. I am happy. Let me be happy.”

  “Was happiness bruising three ribs and busting his face, Deacon?”

  “I lost my shit,” I admit, owning my acts. “I was fucking mad. It was an isolated incident which everyone is blowing out of proportion.”

  “Don’t do it again,” she threatens, clearly siding with her second son. “Walk away. There are people you need to hit. There are people you should hit. Sal isn’t one of them. I don’t care what he did. You were wrong.”

  “And so was he,” I argue. “You have no idea how many times he has beat the crap out of me, do you? This is how we are. This is how we communicate and work through shit. This is how we’ve managed to stay in an intimate, loving relationship for almost a fucking decade. How many couples can own that?”

  “… With violence and abusing one another?”

  “We are two bucking alpha males, Mother!” I rage. “And if you think that is violent, you should see us fuck! It isn’t wine and roses!”

  Her eyes widen in horror but quickly change to more of a curiosity as I know she is trying to imagine her two “sons” going at it. Scratching her head, she whispers, “Just try not to hurt him,” she urges. “He has a breaking point.”

  “What do you know about Sal’s breaking points?”

  She winks. “Little birds keep secrets.”

  “That’s not fair.”

  “Love isn’t fair, Cruz,” she panders, standing up and knocking twice on the table. “And neither is Sal.”

  71

  Penance of Depravity

  The Master

  “Harder!” Masa yells in the private gym Lotus maintains in Tokyo. “Pop it! Pop it! Pop it!” He shouts, coaching me as I heave and breathe. “You are built for this! But I won’t train you unless you are in your best shape!”

  With swelling hands, I boomerang loops against the punching bag as sweat pours from my body. He tosses me a towel and chugs back the bottle of water as I complain, “You are trying to kill me.”

  “Hey!” He nods at the door. “Cuteness just walked in.”

  “Oh, Jesus…” I say. “It’s like news got out that Iris and I split, and now every fucking bitch is knocking on my door for their turn.”

  “You should tell this one to knock on mine.”

  “She’s Irish.”

  His eyes dart over to Rowan. “… With an accent?”

  I furrow my brow and toss my soaked towel at his head. “Even you have an accent, dipshit.”

  “Yeah, but not one that will say, let me fuck you over the rainbow, lad!”

  “You are a hot commodity, Raniero,” he raves. “Single made man with The Commission. If I were a bitch, I’d jump all over that.”

  I give him a look as I try to imagine Masa with tits. “You’d need to be shorter.”

  “You dig short, chicks?”

  “Ya,” I say. “And curves.”

  “Iris killed hers…”

  “Don’t fucking remind me,” I grumble, unwrapping my hands. “I miss all that ass.”

  “That’s my sister.”

  “Your sister had–past tense–good ass.” I thrust my hips and make a swatting motion. “Perfect for swatting!”

  “I am going to beat your ass in about two seconds, punk,” he threatens as I stick my tongue out all the way. I grin like the devil, and he laughs. “Fucking American pervert!”

  “Don’t insult me,” I snicker. “I prefer kinky son of a bitch.” I nod over to Rowan. “Believe me. You do not want that on your dick.”

  “Why?”

  Ripping my shirt off, I smirk. “Leprechauns bite.”


  “All the much better,” he says, starting to get up when I block him with my forearm. “Hello, lassie!”

  “That’s mine, bro,” I hiss. “And she is a bitch.”

  “Fucker.”

  “I’m not hers…besides, Iris kicked the shit out of her.”

  He sniggers, “What better way to play the jealousy card?”

  “Boy’s club?”

  He gently pounds my fist. “Forever, man.”

  I swagger over by the entrance. I wrap my arms around her and pick her up because picking up little people is fun shit. “What are you doing here?”

  “I thought you might need some company.”

  Raising a brow, I ask, “… You just hopped on a plane?”

  “We can go with that,” she says, checking out all the guys. “I wanna work out!”

  “They’re all gang members.”

  “Even better,” she booms as I set her down. “All that ink and sweat and blood and crime. My pussy is throbbing…soaking wet…”

  “I bet.” I lay my hand on top of her head and shake my head. “You’re bad.”

  “Is your hand suggesting I get on my knees?”

  “No.”

  She grins like a succubus.

  And I strangely feel at home.

  What do you do when the Irish menace comes all the way to Japan to see your dumb ass?

  You take her shopping for a new dress and make a reservation at the best steakhouse in town…or, at least, according to Masa, it is.

  Here I go in my suit again.

  My bruises are nothing more than memories.

  I need some stained gray sweatpants, a vegetarian pizza, and my Boston hat…on her.

  Who the fuck is she?

  I DON’T FUCKING KNOW.

  But it’s damn sure not Amber. No. No. No.

  Fool me ninety-nine times; you ain’t my one.

  Or Oki.

  She’s adorable but no…she’s too young at twenty-two.

  How many single females…or married cause you know, I’m bad…are interested in me?

  I need a damn sex fiend.

  I’ll play the proper boyfriend—chocolates and flowers. Hell, cupcakes and bubbles if that’s your thing. I’ll specialize in conforming to your needs…to the point I will rip my own heart out, chew it up, and swallow the fucking thing.