Thank You, Jeeves:

by P. G. Wodehouse

  'Precisely, sir. Mr Stoker, espousing the cause of his son, aimed a powerful kick at Master Seabury'

  'And got him, Jeeves? Tell me he got him.'

  'Yes, sir. Master Seabury was rising at the moment, and his attitude was exceptionally well adapted for the receipt of such an attack. The next moment, a heated altercation had broken out between her ladyship and Mr Stoker. Her ladyship called to Sir Roderick for support, and he – somewhat reluctantly, it appeared to me – proceeded to take Mr Stoker to task for the assault. High words ensued, and the upshot of it was that Mr Stoker with a good deal of warmth informed Sir Roderick that if he supposed that he, Mr Stoker, intended to purchase Chuffnell Hall after what had occurred, he, Sir Roderick, was in grave error.'

  I buried the head in the hands.

  'Upon this ...'

  'Yes, get it over, Jeeves. I can see what's coming.'

  'Yes, sir. I agree with you that the whole affair has something of the dark inevitability of Greek tragedy. Upon this, his lordship, who had been an agitated auditor, gave vent to a startled exclamation and urged Mr Stoker to disclaim these words. It was his lordship's view that Mr Stoker, having given his promise to purchase Chuffnell Hall, could not, as an honourable man, recede from this obligation. Upon Mr Stoker replying that he did not care what he had promised or what he had not promised and continuing to asseverate that not a penny of his money should be expended in the direction indicated, his lordship, I regret to say, became somewhat unguarded in his speech.'

  I moaned another bar or two. I knew what old Chuffy was capable of when his generous nature was stirred. I had heard him coaching his college boat at Oxford.

  'He ticked Stoker off?'

  'With considerable vigour, sir. Stating in an extremely candid manner his opinion of the latter's character, commercial probity, and even appearance.'

  'That must have put the lid on it.'

  'It did appear to create a certain coldness, sir.'

  'And then?'

  'That terminated the distressing scene, sir. Mr Stoker returned to the yacht with Miss Stoker and Master Dwight. Sir Roderick has gone to secure accommodation for himself at the local inn. Lady Chuffnell is applying arnica to Master Seabury in his bedroom. His lordship, I believe, is taking the dog for a run in the west park.'

  I mused.

  'When all this happened, had Chuffy told Stoker he wanted to marry Miss Stoker?'

  'No, sir.'

  'Well, I don't see how he can very well do it now.'

  'I fancy the announcement would not be cordially received, sir.'

  'They will have to meet by stealth.'

  'Even that will be a little difficult, sir. I should have mentioned that I chanced to be an auditor of a conversation between Mr and Miss Stoker, from the substance of which I gathered that it was the gentleman's intention to keep Miss Stoker virtually in durance vile on board the yacht, not permitting her to go ashore during the remainder of their enforced stay in the harbour.'

  'But you said he didn't know anything about the engagement.'

  'Mr Stoker's motive in immuring Miss Stoker on the vessel is not to prevent her encountering his lordship, but to obviate any chance of her meeting you, sir. The fact that you embraced the young lady has convinced him that her affection for you has persisted since your parting in New York.'

  'You're sure you really heard all this?'

  'Yes, sir.'

  'How did you come to do that?'

  'I was conversing with his lordship at the moment on one side of a screen of bushes, when the conversation which I have described broke out on the other side. There was no alternative but to overhear Mr Stoker's remarks.'

  I started visibly.

  'You were talking with Chuffy, did you say?'

  'Yes, sir.'

  'And he heard all that, too?'

  'Yes, sir.'

  'About me kissing Miss Stoker?'

  'Yes, sir.'

  'Did it seem to stir him up?'

  'Yes, sir.'

  'What did he say?'

  'He mentioned something about scooping out your inside, sir.'

  I wiped the brow.

  'Jeeves,' I said, 'this calls for careful thought.'

  'Yes, sir.'

  'Advise me, Jeeves.'

  'Well, sir, I think it might be judicious if you were to attempt to persuade his lordship that the spirit in which you embraced Miss Stoker was a purely brotherly one.'

  'Brotherly? You think I could get away with that?'

  'I fancy so, sir. After all, you are an old friend of the young lady. It would be quite understandable that you should bestow a kindly and dispassionate kiss upon her on learning of her betrothal to so close an intimate as his lordship.'

  I rose.

  'It may work, Jeeves. It is, at least, worth trying. I shall now leave you, to prepare myself for the ordeal before me with silent meditation.'

  'Your tea will be here in a moment, sir.'

  'No, Jeeves. This is no time for tea. I must concentrate. I must have that story right before he arrives. I dare say I shall be getting a call from him shortly.'

  'It would not surprise me if you were to find his lordship awaiting you at your cottage now, sir.'

  He was absolutely correct. No sooner had I crossed the threshold than something exploded out of the arm-chair and there was Chuffy, gazing bleakly upon me.

  'Ah!' he said, speaking the word between clenched teeth and generally comporting himself in an unpleasant and disturbing manner. 'Here you are at last!'

  I slipped him a sympathetic smile.

  'Here I am, yes. And I have heard all. Jeeves told me. Too bad, too bad. I little thought, old man, when I bestowed a brotherly kiss on Pauline Stoker by way of congratulating her on your engagement, that all this trouble would be bobbing up so soon afterwards.'

  He continued to give me the eye.

  'Brotherly?'

  'Essentially brotherly.'

  'Old Stoker didn't seem to think so.'

  'Well, we know what sort of a mind old Stoker has got, don't we?'

  'Brotherly? H'm!'

  I registered manly regret.

  'I suppose I shouldn't have done it ...'

  'It was lucky for you I wasn't there when you did.'

  '... But you know how it is when a fellow you've been at private school, Eton and Oxford with gets engaged to a girl on whom you look as a sister. One is carried away.'

  It was plain that a struggle was going on in the old boy's bosom. He glowered a bit and paced the room a bit and, happening to trip over a footstool, he kicked it a bit. Then he became calmer. You could see Reason returning to her throne.

  'Well, all right,' he said. 'But in future a little less of this fraternal stuff.'

  'Quite.'

  'Switch it off. Resist the impulse.'

  'Certainly.'

  'If you want sisters, seek them elsewhere.'

  'Just so.'

  'I don't want to feel, when I'm married, that at any moment I may come into the room and find a brother-and-sister act in progress.'

  I quite understand, old man. Then you still intend to marry this Pauline?

  'Intend to marry her? Of course I intend to marry her. I'd look a silly ass not marrying a girl like that, wouldn't I?'

  'But how about the old Chuffnell scruples?'

  'What are you talking about?'

  'Well, if Stoker is not going to buy the Hall, aren't you rather by way of being back in the position you were in before, when you would not tell your love, but let the thought of Wotwotleigh like a worm i' the bud feed on your damask cheek?'

  He gave a slight shudder.

  'Bertie,' he said, 'don't remind me of a time when I must have been absolutely potty. I can't imagine how I ever felt like that. You can take it as official that my views have changed. I don't care now if I haven't a bean and she's got a packet. If I can dig up seven-and-six for the licence and the couple of quid or whatever it is for the man behind the Prayer Book, this wedding is going t
hrough.'

  'Fine.'

  'What does money matter?'

  'Quite.'

  'I mean, love's love.'

  'You never spoke a truer word, laddie. If I were you, I'd write her a letter embodying those views. You see, she may think that, now your finances are rocky once more, you will want to edge out.'

  'I will. And, by Jove!'

  'What?'

  'Jeeves shall take it to her. Thus removing any chance of old Stoker intercepting it.'

  'Could he, do you think?'

  'My dear chap! A born letter-intercepter. You can see it in his eye.'

  'I mean, could Jeeves take it? I don't see how.'

  'I should have told you that Stoker wanted Jeeves to leave me and enter his service. At the time I thought I had never heard such crust in my life, but now I am all for it. Jeeves shall go to him.'

  I got on to the ruse or scheme.

  'I see what you mean. Operating under the Stoker banner, he will be free to come and go.'

  'Exactly.'

  'He can take a letter from you to her and then one from her to you and then one from you to her and then one from her to you and then one from you to her and then one ...'

  'Yes, yes. You've got the idea. And in the course of this correspondence we can fix up some scheme for meeting. Have you any idea how long it takes to clear the decks for a wedding?'

  'I'm not sure. I believe, if you get a special licence, you can do it like a flash.'

  'I'll get a special licence. Two. Three. Well, this has certainly put the butter on the spinach. I feel a new man. I'll go and tell Jeeves at once. He can be on that yacht this evening.'

  At this point he suddenly stopped. The brow darkened once more and he shot another of those searching looks at me.

  'I suppose she really does love me?'

  'Dash it, old man, didn't she say so?'

  'She said so, yes. Yes, she said so. But can you believe what a girl says?'

  'My dear chap!'

  'Well, they're great ladders. She may have been fooling me.'

  'Morbid, laddie.'

  He brooded a bit.

  'It seems so dashed odd that she should have let you kiss her.'

  'I took her by surprise.'

  'She could have sloshed you on the ear.'

  'Why? She naturally divined that the embrace was purely brotherly.'

  'Brotherly, eh?'

  'Wholly brotherly.'

  'Well, it may be so,' said Chuffy doubtfully. 'Have you any sisters, Bertie?'

  'No.'

  'But, if you had, you would kiss them?'

  'Repeatedly.'

  'Well ... Oh, well ... Well, perhaps it's all right.'

  'You can believe a Wooster's word, can't you?'

  'I don't know so much. I remember you once, the morning after the Boat Race our second year at Oxford, telling the magistrates your name was Eustace H. Plimsoll and that you lived at The Laburnums, Alleyn Road, West Dulwich.'

  'That was a special case, calling for special measures.'

  'Yes, of course.... Yes.... Well.... Well, I suppose it's all right. You really do swear there's absolutely nothing between you and Pauline now?'

  'Nothing. We have often laughed heartily at the thought of that moment's madness in New York.'

  'I never heard you.'

  'Well, we have done – frequently.'

  'Oh? ... In that case ... Well, yes, I suppose ... Well, anyway, I'll go off and write that letter.'

  For some time after he had left me, I remained with the feet up on the mantelpiece, relaxing. Take it for all in all, it had been a pretty strenuous day, and I was feeling the strain a bit. The recent exchange of thoughts with Chuffy alone had taken it out of the nervous system considerably. And when Brinkley came in and wanted to know when I would have dinner, the thought of sitting down to a solitary steak and fried in the cottage didn't appeal. I felt restless, on edge.

  'I shall dine out, Brinkley,' I said.

  This successor to Jeeves had been sent down by the agency in London, and I'm bound to say he wasn't the fellow I'd have selected if I had had time to go round to the place and make a choice in person. Not at all the man of my dreams. A melancholy blighter, with a long, thin, pimple-studded face and deep, brooding eyes, he had shown himself averse from the start to that agreeable chit-chat between employer and employed to which the society of Jeeves had accustomed me. I had been trying to establish cordial relations ever since he had arrived, but with no success. Outwardly he was all respectfulness, but inwardly you could see that he was a man who was musing on the coming Social Revolution and looked on Bertram as a tyrant and an oppressor.

  'Yes, Brinkley, I shall dine out.'

  He said nothing, merely looking at me as if he were measuring me for my lamp-post.

  'I have had a fatiguing day, and I feel a need for the lights and the wine. Both of these, I should imagine, may be had in Bristol. And there ought to be a show of some kind playing there, don't you think? It's one of the Number One touring towns.'

  He sighed slightly. All this talk of my going to shows was distressing him. What he really wanted was to see me sprinting down Park Lane with the mob after me with dripping knives.

  'I shall take the car and drive over there. You can have the evening off.'

  'Very good, sir,' he moaned.

  I gave it up. The man annoyed me. I hadn't the slightest objection to his spending his time planning massacres for the bourgeoisie, but I was dashed if I could see why he couldn't do it with a bright and cheerful smile. Dismissing him with a gesture, I went round to the garage and got the car out.

  It was only a matter of thirty miles or so to Bristol, and I got there in nice time for a comfortable bite before the theatre. The show was a musical comedy which I had seen on several occasions during its London run, but it stood up quite well on a further visit, and altogether I was feeling rested and refreshed when I started back home.

  I suppose it would have been getting on for midnight when I fetched up at the rural retreat: and, being about ready for sleep by now, I lost no time in lighting a candle and toddling upstairs. As I opened the door of my room, I recollect I was thinking how particularly well a dollop of slumber would go: and I was just making for the bed with a song on my lips, so to speak, when something suddenly sat up in it.

  The next moment I had dropped the candle and the room was plunged in darkness. But not before I had seen quite enough to be getting along with.

  Reading from left to right, the contents of the bed consisted of Pauline Stoker in my heliotrope pyjamas with the old gold stripe.

  7 A VISITOR FOR BERTIE

  The attitude of fellows towards finding girls in their bedroom shortly after midnight varies. Some like it. Some don't. I didn't. I suppose it's some old Puritan strain in the Wooster blood. I drew myself up censoriously and shot a sternish glance in her direction. Absolutely wasted, of course, because it was pitch dark.

  'What... What... What...?'

  'It's all right.'

  'All right?'

  'Quite all right.'

  'Oh?' I said, and I don't pretend to disguise the fact that I spoke bitterly. I definitely meant it to sting.

  I stooped to pick up the candle, and the next moment I had uttered a startled cry.

  'Don't make such a noise!'

  'But there's a corpse on the floor.'

  'There isn't. I should have noticed it.'

  'There is, I tell you. I was groping about for the candle, and my fingers touched something cold and still and clammy.'

  'Oh, that's my swimming suit.'

  'Your swimming suit?'

  'Well, do you think I came ashore by aeroplane?'

  'You swam here from the yacht?'

  'Yes.'

  'When?'

  'About half an hour ago.'

  In that level-headed, practical way of mine, I went straight to the root of the matter.

  'Why?' I asked.

  A match scratched and a candle by the bed fl
amed up and lent a bit of light to the scene. Once more I was able to observe those pyjamas, and I'm bound to admit they looked extraordinarily dressy. Pauline was darkish in her general colour scheme, and heliotrope suited her. I said as much, always being ready to give credit where credit is due.

  'You look fine in that slumber-wear.'

  'Thanks.'

  She blew out the match, and gazed at me in a sort of wondering way.

  'You know, Bertie, steps should be taken about you.'

  'Eh?'

  'You ought to be in some sort of a home.'

  'I am,' I replied coldly and rather cleverly. 'My own. The point I wish to thresh out is, what are you doing in it?'

  Womanlike, she evaded the issue.

  'What on earth did you want to kiss me like that for in front of father? You needn't tell me you were carried away by my radiant beauty. No, it was just plain, straight goofiness, and I can quite understand now why Sir Roderick told father that you ought to be under restraint. Why are you still at large? You must have a pull of some kind.'

  We Woosters are pretty sharp on this sort of thing. I spoke with a good deal of asperity.

  'The incident to which you allude is readily explained. I thought he was Chuffy.'

  'Thought who was Chuffy?'

  'Your father.'

  'If you're trying to make out that Marmaduke looks the least bit like father you must be cuckoo,' she replied with a warmth equal to my own. I gathered that she was not a great admirer of the parent's appearance, and I'm not saying she wasn't right. 'Besides, I don't see what you mean.'

  I explained.

  'The idea was to let Chuffy observe you in my embrace, so that the generous fire would be stirred within him and he would get keyed up to proposing to you, feeling that if he didn't get action right speedily he might lose you.'

  Her manner softened.

  'You didn't think that out by yourself?'

  'I did.' I was somewhat nettled. 'Why everybody should imagine that I can't get ideas without the assistance of Jeeves ...'

  'But that was very sweet of you.'

  'We Woosters are sweet, exceedingly sweet, when a pal's happiness is in the balance.'

  'I can see now why I accepted you that night in New York,' she said meditatively. 'There's a sort of woolly-headed duckiness about you. If I wasn't so crazy about Marmaduke, I could easily marry you, Bertie.'