How to Tell Your Cat About Trump
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Your cat may argue that perhaps it should have had the vote too as then Hillary would have won.
Agree with it.
My Cat Is A Persian – Should I Be Worried?
Yes. Leave for Canada right now.
If your cat is a Persian both you and it are at imminent risk and you need to flee the United States as soon as possible. But if your cat is a Siamese, you are safe – for now.
If you can't get into Canada, which is by far the best choice, you will need to find an alternative. Fortunately, there are a number of choices, some better than others.
The United Kingdom/Ireland
Everyone will hate you, but love your cat. You may fall into a depression over the bad weather, the terrible food, and the creeping sense of self-loathing that takes over you – but remember why you did this, as your cat has never had it so good.
France/Belgium
Stylish cats will love it, and you can dine out with them too!
Germany/The Netherlands/Scandinavia
Orderly cats only, please.
Greece/Italy/Spain
Be warned that Mediterraneans are essentially feral humans and their animals are equally wild at heart. If you can handle that and your cat is spayed/neutered this could be the perfect choice.
Russian Federation/Eastern Europe
Good option for svelte, melancholy cats.
Mexico/South America
You may want to check out the level of violence in the area you are considering – unless you currently live in Chicago in which case bon voyage.
Africa
Bringing your cat to see its non-domesticated relatives! Awesome choice if you can swing it.
Asia
Best not.
An added advantage for you is that many of these countries don't let you die if you get sick but don't have expensive private medical insurance through your employer. Something to think about!
What About Kitlers And Demonic Cats?
A book about Trump-loving cats would not be complete without addressing the related phenomena of 'Kitlers' and so-called 'demonic' cats, both of which may come up in discussions about cat-owning in the age of Trump.
What is a Kitler?
A Kitler is a cat with black and white markings that is amusingly reminiscent of Adolf Hitler, the genocidal dictator of Nazi Germany. Often they will be mostly white in the face with a black mark that evokes the Führer's trademark half-moustache. The highest-rated Kitlers will also have additional markings on the top of the head that look like Hitler's swept hairstyle, and a tendency to look skywards in three quarter view with dramatic cloud formations as a backdrop. There are many good examples of Kitlers on the internet, but none are depicted here so that this book may be sold in Germany and Austria without running afoul of the law. There are also wannabe Kitlers that are basically ordinary cats without any of these characteristics which are nevertheless dressed up in Nazi memorabilia. If you come across one of these, you may wish to steer clear of its owner.
Though most Kitlers start out as perfectly nice cats, there is a risk that over time they will be poisoned by the Nazi ideology they are being casually associated with. This is particularly the case if the Kitler is only ever exposed to the seemingly positive aspects of National Socialism like the fashion-forward Hugo Boss uniforms and the good road system – and not the bad stuff, like universal terror, starting World War Two, and the Holocaust.
A recent related trend is to dress up orange long-haired tabbies as Donald Trump. Though the cat will naturally be disgusted by the real Donald Trump at first, it may notice that he has his own jet, lots of mansions, a younger model for a wife, and the adulation of millions. Your cat may then cast a critical eye at what you, its owner, have managed to accumulate throughout your lifetime. Your cat may then start to identify with Donald Trump despite all that is despicable about him and never look at you quite the same way again. Whereas before it saw you as a well-intentioned member of society who has done modestly well in life, it now sees someone who is losing. If this occurs there is no going back and it will continue to look at you more condescendingly than it did when it was a normal well-adjusted cat.
What is a Demonic Cat?
The first thing to note is that a demonic cat is not the same as a self-centered Trump-supporting cat. Demonic cats existed long before Trump arrived and will continue to exist long after he is gone. The hallmark of a demonic cat is that it does care about anything or anyone. Even Donald Trump can be managed and controlled to some degree, as there are things he cares about. The same applies to even the most extreme Trump-supporting cats. Demonic cats, however, literally do not give a rat's ass about anything. They are the psychopaths of the feline world. Your whole life revolves around your cat despite you wishing otherwise. Time and time again you may think it finally likes you and will make your life easier, but it is only easing up temporarily to enjoy your crestfallen expression when you realize it was just a cruel ruse.
If you own one of these cats, stop worrying about Donald Trump and the fate of the great experiment in democracy called the United States of America. You are facing a far more serious problem – being in possession of a demonic cat. You cannot foist your demonic cat on another person because that is fundamentally immoral. Nobody deserves such a fate. You are therefore stuck with your demonic cat. Though the situation may seem hopeless with your life effectively over, telling yourself these facts may help: Cats only live for a couple of decades
Chances are you may have a few good years left to look forward to after your demonic cat dies of natural causes, assuming you are under fifty, anyway.
You are not alone
Yours is not the only demonic cat in the world. There are other people suffering like you do.
By owning this cat you are sparing someone else
How much this knowledge helps you depends on how charitable you are as a person. Probably not very much.
Good luck!
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Also By Breaking Burgh
THE DUMB HOUSE
Real Fake News From Trump’s First 100 Days
THE DUMBENING
Real Fake News From The 2016 Election
DONALD AND THE GIANT IMPEACHMENT
A Fable of Politics
COVFEFE - PRINCE OF WORDS
A History of the Most Important Lexical Advance of our Time