This Cruel Love (A Dark Hearts Stand-Alone Novel Book 2)

by Nikki J Summers

“You don’t think I suffer too? What, you think it’s easy being me? Not knowing what version of myself I’ll wake up to? Will it be a day I can cope with, or will my fucked up brain keep me a prisoner in my own mind? You think feeling worthless and empty is fun for me? How I feel, it isn’t a choice. It just is what it is.”

  I could see the visceral pain reflected in his eyes. I knew the struggles he’d been through in his life, battling demons he carried with him wherever he went. The dark clouds and the black dog he talked about. I’d read up on it, tried to help him, but how can you fight someone else’s battles when they don’t know how to fight themselves? Sure, we’d all badgered him to get counselling, but he was stubborn as shit and always thought he knew better. He thought he had it all under control.

  “Harry, you do what you gotta do. I’m not trying to take your place as Ryley and Travis’s father. I just want a chance to love Nina, to be with her.”

  “But Nina isn’t a single woman, Rob. She’s a mum, and a damn good one. This isn’t about you and her anymore.”

  I knew from the darkened glaze that fell over his eyes that he knew where I was coming from. He thought it’d all be so simple. Nina would leave me, Ryley would come too and they’d all live happily ever after. He needed to take off the rose-tinted glasses and see this for what it was.

  “I won’t give her up, Harry.”

  “Neither will I.”

  Present day…

  “Then I left. I left his office and got back in my car. I swear to God, I didn’t hear the gun go off. If I’d have known that’s what he was gonna do I would’ve stayed, talked him down.”

  He was crying now, his face full of remorse, guilt, and overwhelming loss. The way Harry described it, the emotions, the tension, all of it felt real. And for the first time in seventeen long, painful as fuck years, I felt the tension in my shoulders begin to ease up slightly. The weight of guilt that I’d carried around with me like a millstone around my neck was lightening too. I believed him. I believed Harry.

  My father was a complex man, with a lot of pent-up dark and dangerous emotions. It made sense to me that he felt the burden of breaking up a family. Taking children away from their home, their father. As Harry went on to explain how the guilt of stealing Nina and Ryley away must’ve eaten him up, I agreed.

  My protective walls were crumbling one brick at a time, letting the emotions I’d had on lockdown for so long come through. My father took his own life because he couldn’t handle being in his life. He couldn’t deal with the consequences of what he’d done. Yes, he took the coward’s way out, but that’s how it would appear to outsiders. To the ones that knew him, really knew him, he was ill. He needed help and he didn’t get it. His death was a tragic fucking mistake that he made and we all lived with. But he couldn’t help it, he wasn’t well.

  “We’re so sorry that you had such a shitty life, Jackson. We never wanted that for you,” Nina sobbed. “You deserved better.”

  I wasn’t in the mood to rip off another band aid and spill the whole sorry saga about my fucked up aunt. Her snorting, injecting, and drinking my dad’s inheritance away wasn’t a story for today. I doubt I’d be able to tell that story ever again. What was the point? It was over now. It was shit at the time, but I got through it. Now I have money, money I’d made myself off my own back. Not always by legal means, but who gives a fuck? I did what I had to do to survive.

  “There’s one more thing we think you should know.” Nina looked across at Harry as she spoke and he nodded solemnly before pouring that glass of whiskey he’d denied himself before, and knocking it back in one go.

  “This isn’t something we’ve talked about with anyone else, but if you decide you want to change that after today, we will be open to that.”

  I had no fucking clue what she was on about.

  “Just spit it out, Nina. I think we’ve had enough riddles for one day.” Harry sighed.

  Nina cleared her throat and stood from the sofa. She walked over to where I sat and placed a hand on my shoulder.

  “Rob, your father and I…” Her eyes met Harry’s across the desk before looking back down at mine, “…we were going to have a baby.” She held her breath, waiting for my response.

  “I’m sorry to hear that.” I didn’t know what else to say. What do you say to a woman about her miscarriage or whatever had happened back then?

  “What do you mean?” She wrinkled her brow in confusion.

  “You lost a baby. I’m sorry.”

  “I didn’t lose a baby, Jackson. I had a beautiful, healthy baby boy. Your brother… and he’s sitting right down the hall in our kitchen, talking to his other brother and sister.”

  I felt sick. I couldn’t believe what she was telling me. This was fucked up. I had a brother? Ryley’s brother was my brother? Jesus, this was too much.

  “Does he know? Do any of them know?” I was shaking with fear. I couldn’t lose her over this. Something like this could blow her world apart. She’d been through enough.

  “No. Like I said, we haven’t spoken about this to anyone else. The only people who know the truth are sitting in this room.”

  I looked across at Harry who was breaking all over again. His son wasn’t his.

  “You raised him as your own? You’ve never told him?”

  He lifted his head and the hurt I saw almost killed me. He was bracing himself, ready to lose a child, just like he had that day in my father’s office.

  “He is my son. He will always be my son. I love him.”

  I nodded. Who was I to come bulldozing my way into this family and tear it the fuck apart? I wasn’t like my father, I knew that family wasn’t always from blood. Family was the people around you who loved you for who you were, no matter where you lived or what you owned. Like Sylvie and Len were family to me. I couldn’t destroy that for them.

  “I don’t want her to find out. She’s been through enough. I never want her to find out. No good can ever come from knowing the truth, not for any of us. Sometimes, some things are best left buried. As far as I’m concerned he’s your son, Travis and Ryley’s brother. Maybe one day he’ll be mine too, but not because I rip his fucking heart out and trample all over his childhood. No. Because I’m with his sister, so I get to be his brother by default… if you know what I mean.”

  I felt awkward talking like this in front of Ryley’s parents, but who was I kidding? She was mine, she’d always be mine. So her family would become mine as well.

  “You’re a good man, Jackson. Thank you.” Harry blew out a sigh of relief and stood from behind his desk, holding out his hand for me to shake.

  I couldn’t believe the turn of events after the ordeal we’d been through yesterday. It amazed me how a bit of honesty and openness could alter things so dramatically.

  “Don’t worry about Travis, he’ll come round soon enough. But, Jackson? Can we draw a line under all this revenge and retribution now?”

  I’d already buried it the day I fell in love with his daughter, but for his sake, I made it official. “You have my word.”

  I stood up to leave but Nina grabbed my arm. “Wait, I have something you might be interested in.”

  I sat back down as she shuffled off to the corner of the room and pulled open a cupboard, rifling frantically through the contents.

  “Here it is.” She lifted out a leather-bound book, a photo album from the look of it, and made her way back over to me. “There are some photos in here you might like to see. Photos of you, Travis, and Ryley growing up.”

  I held my breath. I had no idea our childhood had been captured on film. I didn’t ever remember having my photograph taken, but then my memory of those years was hazy.

  She opened the album to the first page and there was a picture of me as a boy. I couldn’t have been older than nine or ten. I was sitting on a sofa and a tiny baby was lying across my lap. I was holding its head, possibly stroking it, and I had my other arm wrapped around its little body.

  “That was the day w
e brought Ryley home from the hospital,” she whispered into my ear.

  I didn’t know what to think. Was it weird that I’d held her as a baby? Did that make me some kind of pervert or something?

  “Of course not,” Nina laughed, and I realised I’d said my fears out loud. “You’ve always loved her. She’s always loved you too, look.”

  Nina skipped over a few pages until she found another picture. This time I recognised Ryley straight away. She was about two or three years old and was sitting on my lap for the photo. She was dressed in pink dungarees, and her crazy blonde curls were tied up with a yellow ribbon. Her chubby fingers were holding mine, and she was looking up at me with the cutest, most heart-melting smile, as I looked back down at her like she was my world.

  “We took that one on the day she fell out of the treehouse. Do you remember that day, Harry? Jeez, we must’ve broken every speed limit there was getting her to that hospital.”

  “Scariest day of my life. Well, one of them,” Harry replied.

  “I remember that day.” I ran my finger over the image, the feelings of wanting to protect her at all costs even back then trickling through me. “I hated myself for months after. I felt so guilty.”

  “You were just a kid yourself. It wasn’t your fault.” Nina went bright red then chuckled to herself. “We always used to joke about you two getting married someday. You were inseparable. Everyone thought you were her brother, not Travis. You lit up whenever she was around, and she wasn’t happy until she’d sought you out. You came as a pair. See?” She patted my shoulder and whispered in my ear, “Always meant to be.”

  I tried to swallow, but my mouth had gone dry. I didn’t believe in fate or any of that destiny bullshit, but maybe Nina had a point. All the roads I’d taken, every path I’d chosen in life, they led me to her. Maybe they always would.

  Nina closed the book and pushed it towards me. “Take it home, look through it together. There are some happy memories in there. Things weren’t always such a disaster, you know.”

  She reached into her pocket and pulled something out, then handed it to Harry with a knowing look. He took a deep breath and asked me to stay behind for just a minute longer as Nina left us alone.

  My stomach was in serious knots, thinking about what was going on down the hallway. I tried to listen out for any raised voices or crashing of furniture, but it was deadly silent. That wasn’t always a good sign. I was glad I had my youngest brother here to help take my mind off the impending storms I was sure were heading our way.

  “Who’s the big man?” Nate jerked his chin to the window to indicate he’d seen Jackson and me coming up the driveway.

  “The asshole, don’t you mean?” Trav piped up, so I shot him a death stare that could kill at thirty paces. I didn’t need him clouding Nate’s judgement of my… boyfriend? Was that the right word to use? Jackson was no boy, but I could hardly call him my man friend.

  “That’s Jackson. He’s my boyfriend now.” I smiled, instantly feeling shy and embarrassed to say it out loud. Why? I have no freaking clue, but I just did.

  “So things with you and Justin are definitely over then?”

  I felt my body go stiff at the mention of his name, my breath catching in mid-air as my throat closed over so tightly I felt like I was being strangled. Images of Justin lying in a pool of blood on the floor made me go dizzy. I reached out to grab something, anything to steady myself, and I heard Travis’s voice in my ear, urgent and authoritative.

  “Breathe, Ryley. Just fucking breathe.”

  I leant against one of the high stools Mum had scattered around the kitchen and practised breathing. In through the nose, out through the mouth. Calm and focused, just like Jackson had taught me. Hell fire, maybe I did need that counsellor more than I realised. I wasn’t used to having panic attacks, but they seemed to be happening more often these days. I suppose, after everything that’d happened to us, it was no surprise.

  “Are you okay, sis?” The colour had drained out of Nate’s face, and he looked like he needed as much comfort as I did. “I guess he did a number on you, huh?” I nodded and Nate sighed. “Shame. I kinda liked Justin. He was a laugh. But if he treated you like a douche then he’d better stay out of my way.”

  “You’re sweet, little bro.” I grabbed his face in both my hands and squeezed his cheeks together like I used to when he was a kid.

  “Is this new one an upgrade? Will I like him?” Nate seemed nervous as he spoke. I guess being seventeen and having a new guy come into your family to be with your sister was kind of daunting.

  I gave Travis another death stare for good measure, but he knew better than to butt in this time.

  “He’s way better than Justin. He can be a little shy at first. It takes a bit of time to get to know him, the real him.” I looked towards Travis as I said this. “But he’s smart and funny. He plays the piano better than Dad, but don’t tell Dad I said that. He’s just… lovely. You’ll love him, Nate. I do.”

  Nate grinned and ran his fingers through his jet black hair, something he hadn’t inherited from either of us. We all had blonde hair, Mum and Dad included. I guess it was a throwback from somewhere down the family line.

  “As long as he’s good to you, then that’s good enough for me.”

  Travis made us coffee and stood next to me, rubbing my back and helping to bring me down from my earlier freak out. I was doing that annoying sisterly thing, grilling Nate about the girls in his year and whether he was dating, when the air around me changed. I felt him before I saw him, I always did. Sparks flying, butterflies dancing and every part of my body on high alert because he was here.

  “I need to get to work. I’ll see you later, sis.” Travis leant down and kissed my cheek, then waved over to Nate. “Later, bro.”

  He didn’t acknowledge Jax as he pushed his way past him and out of the door. It was a start, a level up from trading insults and trying to fight each other. I’d take it, for now.

  I swivelled around on my stool, and when I saw him standing there, looking all formal and anxious as hell in the doorway in his suit and tie, I felt like my heart would explode out of my chest.

  I beckoned him over and bit my lip on a grin as I faced Nate to give the introductions.

  “Jackson, this is my little brother, Nate. Nate, this is my… Jackson.” Jackson’s lips quirked slightly, like he was fighting a smile, and he held his arm out to shake Nate’s hand.

  Nate gave Jackson the million dollar smile we all knew and loved, and shook his hand like he was meeting a rock star. I couldn’t help but notice they both blushed. Then ran their hands through their dark hair after their handshake. They were too cute.

  “Do you play football?” Nate asked hopefully.

  “Not since high school, but I reckon I still have some skills.” I rolled my eyes, Jackson could never admit to not being able to do something. “Do you?”

  Nate nodded and bent down to pick up the rucksack beside the counter. “I’ve got practise in an hour, so I’d better get going.”

  “Are you any good?” Jackson asked.

  “Of course he’s good,” I jumped in. “He’s the top goal scorer this year. He’s an Emerson, we’re always the best.”

  Jackson rolled his eyes but grinned over at Nate. “I’d like to see you in action. I haven’t been to a football game in years.”

  “We’ve got a game this Sunday coming, if you’re interested. I mean, you don’t have to. I wouldn’t want to…”

  “We’ll be there.” Jackson looked to me for confirmation.

  “Of course we will. We wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

  I hopped off the stool and went over to give Nate a massive hug.

  “I’ve missed you, little bro. I won’t leave it so long next time, okay? You’re gonna get tired of me cheering from the side lines at your games from now on, little dude.”

  “You couldn’t be any louder than Dad.” Nate screwed his face up at a memory he was obviously trying to forget. “
He almost punched the ref last week when I was fouled. Dad’s crazy.”

  JACKSON

  I couldn’t stop staring at the boy. It was like looking in the mirror at a seventeen-year-old me. Could Ryley see it too? She wasn’t acting like something was up, but damn, the kid even had some of my mannerisms. He wasn’t as confident as Travis and Ryley. He seemed more reserved, almost as shy as me. He blushed like me too, and fidgeted with his fingernails the same way I did when I got nervous and didn’t know what to do with myself. It made me want to reach out to him, tell him he had nothing to be scared of around me. I got it, I got him, even though I didn’t know him yet.

  There was no doubt in my mind that he was my brother. He had my eyes, my hair colour and his jaw was the same square cut as mine. His smile was Ryley’s though, and I found myself daydreaming. Was this what our son would look like? Jeez, we hadn’t even talked about having kids yet and there I was trying to picture them, and they looked just like Nate in my mind. A blend of my girl and me, a mixture of shy and feisty, blonde and black, darkness and light. She would always be my light. I’d lived in the darkness long enough, I liked feeling her sun on my face. She breathed life into me just by being here.

  “Anyway, it was nice to meet you, Jackson. I’ll see you Sunday.” Nate shook my hand again and then headed out, leaving Ryley and me alone.

  “I’m scared to ask.” She looked at me through her eyelashes. It always made my dick twitch whenever she did that, but now was not the time or the place.

  “It’s fine. It’s all good. I got what I came for… well, almost everything.”

  She quirked her eyebrow, wrinkling her nose as she did. “What else is there to sort out? We’re not leaving until you get everything you need.”

  She was one stubborn-ass woman. I just hoped she’d be open-minded towards me for the next few minutes or I was screwed.

  “Let’s take a walk outside.” I strode over to the patio doors that led out to the gardens. “I haven’t been back here for years, I want to see if it’s still the same.”