by M. Robinson
I still didn’t have a fucking clue how to do any of it. What to say and how to say it. So when she told me to wait for her, I swear she brought life back into me. Not just in that moment either. Since Luke died, a part of me died with him, and all it took was Skyler to come into my life to show me it was worth living.
That she was worth living for.
“Skyler, I’m so fuckin’ sorry,” I expressed with as much sincerity in my voice that I could muster up. Looking deep into her eyes, needing her to see the guy I thought was long gone.
“What happened back there, Noah? I know you said you fight dirty, but that was… that was like you weren’t even there. How do you know how to fight like that?”
I shrugged. “My old man, I guess. Been teachin’ me to fight like that all my life.”
“Do you fight a lot?”
“If I have to.”
She frowned.
“Please, Skyler. Don’t need ya pity, don’t want it either.”
“How do you want me to feel then, Noah? Because I can’t help it. I care about you.”
“Yeah?” I coaxed, longing to hear her say it.
“Of course. I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t. This” —she pointed to me and back to her— “between us. I have never felt anything like it before. I don’t really have any friends because work takes up all my time. I have acquaintances in the industry, but none I’d consider as friends. My career has always come first, and it’s the only way I know how to live. All I ever wanted to do was sing and act, but when I’m with you… when we’re together… it makes me realize all the things I’ve been missing out on, and you make me question everything I’ve worked so hard for. Everything I’ve sacrificed and given up to get where I am now. It’s messing with me. You’re messing with me.”
“I don’t wanna fuck up wit’ you, ’cuz I like you. I like you a lot, and I want ya to like me too.”
She shyly smiled. “I do, Rebel. A lot too.”
“Don’t really wanna bring you here.” I nodded to my house. “But don’t know where else we can go. It’s here or the clubhouse, and I sure as shit don’t wanna bring ya there.”
“Come on,” she coaxed, eyeing my house.
I took a deep breath, already feeling like this was going to be a huge mistake, but what other choice did I have? This was my life. I led her through the back door, closest to my bedroom, thinking I could dodge the shit-show that was my mother.
As soon as she shut the door behind her, Creed’s voice echoed through the hall from the bathroom. “I keep makin’ excuses for you, enablin’ you, and I can’t fuckin’ do it anymore, Ma. It ain’t right. You’re nothin’ but a drunk and a sorry-ass excuse for a mother. Noah deserves better.”
I shut my eyes, fucking hating myself for not listening to my gut. When I opened them again, Creed was walking out of the bathroom, so I hid Skyler and myself behind the wall as he made his way out to the porch. Putting a finger up to my lips to tell her to be quiet. When the coast was clear, I led Skyler to my bedroom and softly closed the door behind us. Grateful as all hell that my room was toward the secluded part of the house, but we could still see out my bedroom window toward the porch.
Creed sat on the steps, smoking a cigarette. The only light coming from the full moon in the pitch-black sky. He looked so run-down and exhausted, like he had aged so much in the last few years from the bullshit hand he was dealt. I looked away, knowing this was all my fault to begin with. My momma’s sobs wreaking havoc on her body could still be heard throughout the house, and it took everything inside me not to go to her.
Instead, I sat on the edge of my bed, setting my elbows on my knees. Placing my head in between my hands, trying to drown out the noise of her wailing. I had almost forgotten Skyler was there, too consumed by my guilt to notice.
She rubbed my back, and I resisted the urge to fucking cry because all this shit was becoming too much to bear.
“Noah—”
“Creed, I…” Ma’s voice interrupted Skyler, and we both looked toward the window where she was standing, crying behind Creed. “I just… I don’t know how to stop…” she bellowed, sucking in air, trying to find her breath. “I was his momma for God’s sake. My only job was to protect him. I failed. You may have pulled the trigger, baby… but he was only there because of me. He should have been home, in bed. What kind of momma am I? I don’t deserve you or Noah… I don’t deserve anything.”
I closed my eyes, leaning my head back down against my hands. Needing a minute. It was the first time I’d ever heard her say anything like that. Heavy footsteps filled the silence, coming up the driveway, echoing through my thoughts. I didn’t have to wonder who it was, knowing this was about to get so much fucking worse.
The second I heard Creed announce, “Gonna enlist in the Army.” My eyes snapped toward my brother, but he was now blocked by our old man.
“The fuck you are, Creed!” Pops instantly drawled out.
Creed immediately stood, flicking out his cigarette, not backing down. Coming face-to-face with him.
“Jameson…” Ma coaxed, slowly stepping up beside Creed. Fixing her wet dress and wiping away her tears.
“Don’t wanna hear your shit tonight, woman! Do you hear your son? Where the fuck did this come from? What bullshit are you tellin’ him?”
“Nothing. I haven’t told him anything. Leave him alone! He wants to do some good in his life. He’s your son! Start treating him like one!”
“I give my boys everything. The fuck you talkin’ about?”
“And Luke—”
“Jesus Christ… back to this shit again,” Pops viciously spewed, eyeing her up and down. “It’s been one less mouth to fuckin’ feed. I ain’t even sure that little shit was mine.”
Ma never reacted to his abuse, but even with the distance between us, I could still see the look in her eyes. Reaffirming that this wasn’t going to fucking end well.
“You son of a bitch! You piece of shit!” Ma screamed, lunging at him off the porch.
I didn’t falter, instantly rushing toward the door. Only to be stopped when Skyler blocked my way. I jerked back.
“Noah, don’t,” she intervened, her eyes laced with worry and panic.
“It’s your fault! It’s your fault he’s fucking dead! Your godforsaken club is just violence and death! You did this, and I hope you burn in Hell for it!” Ma seethed, instantly turning our attention back to them.
Creed was holding her back, and just by looking at Pops’ face and body, I could tell she laid into him and a sense of pride came over me. Finally, she hit him, after all these years. I only wished she could have wiped that smug ass look off his face.
“Ma, enough! Enough!” Creed yelled, trying to calm her down. Locking his arms tighter around her.
“You stupid bitch! Look around. I have given you everythin’ because of that godforsaken club! This is how you treat me? After everythin’ I’ve done for you! After taking you back, after you—”
“I wish I would have stayed! I wish I had never come back to you! That was the worst decision of my life!” Ma wrestled her way out of Creed’s grasp, getting right up in Pops’ face. “You aren’t half the man you think you are. You’re nothing like he—”
I saw it before it actually happened, Pops reached for his gun and the barrel was right under her chin, rendering her speechless.
Skyler loudly gasped, bringing her hands up to her mouth, and this time I didn’t let her interfere. I moved her out of the way, exiting my room as fast as I could. Hearing Skyler’s pleas echoing behind me. “Noah, no! Please, no!” she cried out from the doorway in the hall.
“Stay in my room! Don’t move!” I didn’t wait for a reply. By the time I got to the porch door, Ma was on the ground and Creed was now standing in line of fire, right at the end of that barrel. Stopping me dead in my tracks.
I couldn’t move.
I couldn’t fucking move.
“Creed, no!” Ma tried to get back up. “Let—” And
Creed shoved her back down.
“Do it!” Creed roared at our old man. “Wanna kill someone? Then fuckin’ do it, Prez,” he mocked, gritting through his teeth. “Pull the trigger. It don’t matter to me anymore.” Grabbing the barrel of the gun, he held it firmly in place over his heart.
I shook my head, shocked and disappointed. Selfish fucking bastard. Creed didn’t think about me, about Ma, about anything but himself. Knowing we’d already lost one family member, what the hell would happen to us if he was gone too? Creed’s attention shifted to me, noticing I was there. Watching everything go down, and it made me sick to my stomach. Pops followed his stare, taking a long, deep breath, and stepped back. Lowering his gun.
I didn’t catch the next words that came out of their mouths, my mind was held captive by the thought of what would have happened had I not run out of my room. Had they not seen me standing there.
Would Pops have killed Creed?
Or would Creed have made him?
“Turnin’ your back on your brothers? On your fuckin’ family?!” Pops shouted, tearing me away from my thoughts. He pushed Creed, but he didn’t waver. “Don’t deserve to wear that fuckin’ cut.” His fist collided with Creed’s face before he got the last word out.
His head whooshed back, taking half of his body with him. Ma screamed and rushed over to me, ushering me inside, and I let her. I couldn’t believe Creed was going to leave me behind to deal with this bullshit. When he knew he was all I had left. I never wished for our old man to kick his ass more than I did in that moment. Resisting the urge to do it myself.
“Noah, baby… how long you been standing there?” Ma questioned, her bloodshot eyes narrowing in on me.
“Long enough,” I simply stated, meeting her hazy stare.
“Baby, go to your room. You don’t need to see this, you know Creed can handle him. He can take care of himself.”
I scoffed, “No shit, Momma. What the hell you think we been doin’ our whole lives?”
She instantly jolted back like I was now the one aiming the loaded gun at her.
“Where the hell you been? We lost Luke, we lost you, and now we’re losin’ Creed too.”
Her eyes watered with fresh tears, and her lips trembled. “I… baby, I’m… I’m…”
“You what? Nothin’ but a drunk?” I angrily retorted, needing to call her out on it for so long. “I don’t know you no more, ’cuz my momma wouldn’t have abandoned us when we needed her the most.”
Tears fell from her eyes and slid down the sides of her face.
“Don’t wanna fuckin’ fight you!” Creed roared, breaking our conversation. “You old fuck! Calm down and let me explain!”
I took one last look at her and backed off, needing to get away from her before I said anything else I knew I would regret. I walked into the kitchen, wanting to hit something so damn bad. Still hearing Creed and Pops going at it outside, fist-fighting on the back porch. Knowing Skyler had heard and was seeing everything go down. There was no way in hell she wasn’t going to run away from me now. I wouldn’t be surprised if she already hauled ass out of my bedroom and this fucking house. Not that I could blame her, this was all fucking bullshit. Drama any sane person would steer clear from.
“Goddamn it!” Creed hollered. “Not takin’ off my cut! Don’t want outta the club. I earned these fuckin’ colors! You dick! I just need this! Not just for her, for me! I’m fuckin’ losin’ myself, old man!”
And then…
There was silence, they stopped fighting.
“All my life, all I’ve done is follow your fuckin’ orders, never asked you for a damn thing in return. Need you to be my father this one fuckin’ time. Need to make this right and take those motherfuckers out. You can understand that more than anyone, Prez. Just need a leave of absence, ain’t no different if I was locked up, my loyalty is still to the club when I get discharged. I just need this,” Creed shared with seriousness in his tone.
What about me?
What about what I need?
A brother…
A mother…
A fucking family.
“Don’t make me beg…” Creed added, fueling my anger.
I heard his footsteps walking toward the house, when Pops’ voice filled the air. “Callin’ church. Your ass better be there at noon tomorrow.”
I shook my head again, feeling like I was shattering inside as Creed staggered into the kitchen. Not realizing I was there, he grabbed a dish towel for his bloody nose and lip before heading into the living room. Ma came running up to him as soon as she saw he was still standing.
“I’m fine,” he groaned, wrapping his arm around his ribs. He hissed through the pain as he took a seat on the couch.
“Let me get the first aid kit,” she coaxed, hurrying out of the room before he could refuse.
I didn’t move from the place I stood because I could still see him. “You really leavin’ us?” I murmured in the darkness from behind him, just loud enough for him to hear.
Silently hoping he’d change his mind and stay here. For me.
“Noah, I—”
“You gonna leave me with them? You’re all I got, Creed,” I honestly told him, my voice breaking like my heart. Tearing at my insides. “What if you die? Like Luke? What if someone accidentally pulls the trigger on you, Creed? What happens then?”
He opened his mouth to say something but quickly shut it. My feet moved on their own accord as if I was being pulled by a string. Standing in front of him, I added, “Joe’s dad never came back from war,” I reminded, talking about one of the MC members. “I don’t wanna lose another brother,” I spoke from the heart, it was all I had left.
As soon as the words, “I gotta do this, Noah,” came out of his mouth, I tuned him out. Feeling so much fucking hatred for him, blinding all my senses. When I caught him saying, “Don’t expect you to understand, but I do need you to respect my decision and know this is for you too.”
“I call bullshit,” I argued, pissed he was feeding me scraps like I was a fucking dog. Looking for a handout.
He shrugged. “Don’t know what you want me to say, Noah.”
I stepped back, eyeing him up and down. “Just go, Creed! Don’t worry about me. I’ll figure shit out on my own.”
“I love you, Noah. You’re my brother. You’re in my blood. Nothin’ gonna change that.”
I slowly backed away, I had to. Standing there pouring my heart out and him not giving a shit, hurt too damn much. “Whatever you have to tell yourself. Go die for your fuckin’ country,” I scoffed, took one last look at him, I shook my head and left.
I walked back to my room where I knew I’d be alone, knowing in my heart my girl was gone. Tears swelled my eyes, and I snapped the rubber band on my wrist as far back as it would go, but even that didn’t take away the sting in my mind. I opened the door to my bedroom, about to lose my shit for the first time since Luke died when all of a sudden…
There she was.
Skyler.
My sunshine and happiness.
Sitting on the edge of my bed, crying.
“Fuck,” I breathed out, shutting the door behind me with my foot. I leaned against it, realizing she was probably fucking terrified.
Of my father.
My mother.
My brother.
And especially, of me.
“I’m so fuckin’ sorry, Skyler. I’ll take ya home or call ya a cab if you don’t wanna be around me. I get it. I’m no good for you. Shoulda never brought you here, I fucked up.” I closed my eyes, the expression on her face added to all the hurt and the pain in my heart. Eating me alive. “Goddamn it,” I whispered, feeling like a bigger piece of shit, knowing I really blew it with her. “I’ll let ya be. Leave ya alone after tonight.”
I held back the tears.
This was all too much.
It was just too fucking much.
I locked it up though, holding it together. Not needing her to think I was a pussy too, but what happened
next nearly dropped me on my ass.
With my eyes still closed, I scoffed, “Come on, I’ll take ya hom—”
Her lips touched mine, cutting me off. Opening her mouth against mine, baiting me to move my lips in sync with hers. Pressing her perfect tits firmly against my chest as her arms snaked around my neck. She smelled so fucking good and tasted like everything I ever wanted. When she tenderly pecked my lips once again, this time running her tongue along my mouth, she moaned, a soft, sultry hum, luring me in. The shock wore off and I reached up, holding her pretty, little, round face between my hands. Gently kissing her back, my walls crumbling down around us. All thoughts and emotions breaking apart with it.
I groaned from deep within my chest, kissing her as if my life depended on it. Knowing she was giving me her first kiss, and it felt like I was giving her mine.
I lost myself in that kiss.
In that moment.
In her.
Where nothing else mattered, but her. Right then and there, I knew there was no going back for me because Skyler Bell…
Was. Mine.
THIRTEEN
NOAH
Six months came and went in a blink of an eye, flying by and taking all our new firsts with it. I spent every second I could with Skyler, never missing a Sunday and stealing extra moments whenever possible. She wasn’t exaggerating, she worked around the clock. Spending most of her time on set or rehearsing the lines for her upcoming role as Roxie Hart.
I still laughed, thinking about the one Sunday she took me up on my offer to help rehearse her lines. We sat down by the river’s edge with our feet in the water, and I made sure I put on a straight face, trying to take this as serious as possible but failing miserably.
