by M. Robinson
“Wake up, kiddo, you aren’t never gonna have an act,” I repeated the lines off her script from Chicago, scowling when I was done. “I already hate this fuckin’ dickwad, tellin’ you this bullshit,” I added my own commentary.
Skyler giggled, smacking my arm with her script. “Noah! He’s not talking about me. He’s talking about Roxie, the character I’m playing. Remember?”
“What-the-fuck-ever, he’s still a dickwad.”
She shook her head, smiling. “Can we get back to the task at hand, Romeo? Or do I need to find another leading man?”
“What did I tell ya ’bout thinkin’ of other men while you’re with me?” I gave her a stern look, trying not to crack a smile.
She rolled her eyes and cleared her throat before getting back into character. Reciting, “Says who?” With a sincere expression on her face.
I looked down at my lines, reading, “Face it, Roxie. You’re two big towers with skinny legs. And I’m just a furniture salesman.” Peering back up at her, I stated, “This dickwad sells furniture, and he’s tellin’ her she’s got two big towers with skinny legs? What the fuck does that even mean? He talks worse than I do.”
She busted out laughing, “Oh my God! Stop! You’re making me forget my lines.”
“I got my own lines.” I threw the script on the grass beside me. “Shoot or action, or however the fuck you say it. Take two.” I nodded to her.
She rolled her eyes again, taking a deep breath and clearing her throat. Going right back into character. “But you got connections. You know, that guy down at the club…”
“I am the connection. I’m all ya need. Fuck everyone else, so you can just fuck me.”
Her mouth dropped open, scolding, “Noah Jameson!”
I grinned. “I love when you scream my name.”
“Noah! Stop!” She beamed, her face turning that cherry red color I loved. “You’re supposed to be helping me rehearse. This is not helping.”
“Sure it is. It got you turnin’ red and smilin’ for me, more than dickwad was gettin’.”
She smirked. “What am I going to do with you, Noah Jameson?”
Sweeping the hair away from her face, my thumb caressed her rosy cheek. I didn’t hesitate in repeating the same lines since the first time she asked that question. “I already told ya, whatever the fuck you want.”
Needless to say, that was the first and last time she took me up on my offer to help her with her lines. I didn’t blame her, I couldn’t act if my life fucking depended on it. She was the busiest person I knew, especially for being so young. I drove her to set and even picked her up a couple of times, just so I could spend some more time with her, though those were few and far between. Hoping one day I would be able to watch her on set, see her in her element, but she said it wasn’t allowed. Which only made me more curious as to what goes on behind the scenes. I hated that her whole world revolved around her career, and I couldn’t even be part of it. It almost felt as if I was missing out on a huge part of who she was. Getting only half of her when we were together.
A few weeks after my Oscar-winning performance, we watched the movie Chicago because I wanted to see what it was all about. Needing to feel like I was at least a little involved in that piece of her life. As we laid there on my bed watching, I could see how thrilled she was about this role. Her eyes sparkled when she mouthed her lines during her scenes, and as excited as I wanted to be for her, it was hard to watch it unfold. The scene where Roxie gets thrown around by the man I was playing at the river, the kissing and sex scenes, the overly sexy costumes and performances. Even some of the dialogue was hard to swallow.
It was difficult for me to understand that it was just acting, it wasn’t real. She wasn’t Roxie Hart, she was Skyler Bell.
Mine.
I played it off as best as I could, but the lingering feeling in the pit of my stomach and mind never wavered. It was always there. I knew she was only going to get bigger and more famous as time went on. I guess it wouldn’t have been such a big deal had I felt like I was… I don’t know…
Included.
I hated that another guy was going to be kissing, touching, putting his hands on what belonged to me. And that the world was going to watch. Looking at her in costumes that left little to nothing to the imagination tore me up inside. I probably should have told her how I felt, what I thought, what I wanted to hear from her in return, but I didn’t.
I couldn’t.
We spent every Sunday together, though we never talked about what we were to one another. Laughing, joking around, flirting, living in the moment became our thing. She was the distraction from life I needed so desperately, and I think I was the distraction she needed just as bad, just didn’t entirely want. I could see it in her eyes when our conversations turned personal about her life. She’d change the subject or revert the question back to me. I didn’t know a damn thing about Skyler, other than what I found online or read in magazines. She didn’t talk about it, she barely even talked about acting and performing.
As much as I wanted to be part of every aspect of her life, it was obvious she wanted to keep us separate. I tried not to think about it, focusing on the fact that when we were together, the whole world faded around us. Nothing else mattered but each other. I hung onto that feeling of want, until I’d see her again. The good versus the bad, battling to make sense in my mind. It was the days we were in two completely different worlds, her with her career and me with the bullshit Creed left behind for me to deal with on my own. Those were the hardest times to get through, since we were usually only together one day a week. My life became my worst fucking nightmare.
With Creed off fighting a war he couldn’t win, it gave our old man full leeway to me and what he wanted for my future. I wasn’t officially a prospect yet, but my time was coming. Pops was waiting until I turned fifteen, however he still began paying me for jobs only a prospect would do. Making me fuck people up who crossed him, telling me I’d carry a Glock soon. He showed me more ins and outs of the clubhouse, concentrating all his attention on the only son he had left. My momma was worse than ever. I lost count of how many times I’d taken her to the emergency room to get her stomach pumped. It became a thing of the norm for us. I was almost positive she was trying to drink herself to death.
I barely went to school anymore, ditching more often than not. It was pointless, I was so far behind anyway. Pops wanted me to drop out, and without Creed or Ma on my ass, I was considering it. Creed was off playing GI fucking Joe, sending letters and money every chance he got. Even though I didn’t want to, I still read them, but I never wrote him back. I said everything I needed to say the night before he decided to fuck me over. Leaving me to endure this hell by myself. I used the money he’d send for groceries and shit around the house. Not that it mattered, the food went untouched, the house was always a mess, and no amount of dollar bills would change that.
To make matters worse, Skyler was leaving in a few days for her movie. And for the next six months, I’d have no escape, no distraction, no sunshine and happiness…
She’d be taking it all with her.
Along with my heart.
We hadn’t kissed since that first time in my bedroom, and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t fuck my hand to the memory of that kiss. Of course, I wanted to kiss her again, touch her, be with her in an intimate way. Her beneath me, me on top of her, taking yet another first from her. The most intense part of it all was that none of that mattered. Being with her was enough for me, and if she wanted to initiate another thing between us, I’d give her whatever she wanted.
It’d be on her terms, not mine.
My cell phone pinged beside me on my bed, waking me up from a light sleep. It was too early, even for me. I grabbed it, turning my face over to read the message that just came through.
This isn’t a goodbye. It’s an I’ll see you later. Talk soon, I’ll call you once I’m settled.
I barely read the last word of Skyler’s text befo
re I bolted off the bed, throwing on the first pair of jeans and shirt I could find on my floor. I stumbled into my combat boots and sprinted out the door of my bedroom, hauling ass toward my dirt bike. I jumped on the seat and floored the throttle, almost eating shit as I drove like a bat out of hell, rushing to get to her house. Praying she wasn’t already gone. I swear my heart was pounding the entire drive through the woods while my mind raced with more questions I needed answers to, and something told me she’d never answer.
Once I turned down the street, I shouted, “Skyler!” as soon as I saw her getting into a black Escalade. Adding to the pain in my heart that she really was going to just take off like that. Simply sending me a text as if the last six months didn’t matter.
I didn’t matter.
We didn’t matter.
By the expression on her face, she knew I was fucking pissed. My hurt always reflected itself as anger. Another Jameson trait I couldn’t change, it was just who I was.
“Noah—”
“What kind of bullshit text was that?” I interrupted, springing off my bike. In three strides, I was in her face. “What the fuck, Cutie?”
“Whoa,” she breathed out, placing her hands out in front of her. “I’m… it’s just… I’m…”
I cocked my head to the side. “You scared of me?”
“What?” She shook her head. “No. I’m just… you’re really mad. I’ve never seen you this mad… I mean, not at me.”
“No shit. Wakin’ up to a text like yours will do that to a guy. You fuckin’ lied to me, sayin’ you were leavin’ in a few days. Not today.”
“I… I… I know… I’m just,” she staggered on her words, making me feel as if she didn’t know me or something.
“It’s me, Skyler. Me,” I affirmed, hoping she’d remember who I was and what she meant to me.
She frowned, murmuring, “I know that.”
“Then what the fuck? You just gonna leave like that? Like I mean nothin’?”
“Noah… that’s not fair. I’m sorry, okay? I’m just not very good at goodbyes. I suck at them, obviously,” she noted, finally meeting my eyes. “I didn’t want to say goodbye, alright? Not to you.” She peered over at the driver. “Give me a few minutes.”
The driver nodded, and she shut the door, walking toward the back of the Escalade so we could have some privacy.
“I’m already having a really hard time leaving, and that never happens. Ever. I’m always excited to start a new project, and I am… but it doesn’t take away from the fact I’m going to miss you.”
“So leavin’ without tellin’ me was what? Your cop out?”
“I don’t know.” She shrugged. “I guess. I figured it was easier for the both of us. I’ll see you again, Noah. I’m coming back. And we can talk on the phone, email, text, but I have to go,” she reassured, mostly to herself because I already knew that. “I need you to promise me something, okay?” She narrowed her eyes at me, and I never expected what she was about to say. Her intense stare connected with mine as the words, “Please, please don’t fall in love with me.”
I instantly jolted back, caught off guard.
“This is what I was trying to avoid. That look in your eyes.”
“How do ya want me to feel? You were gonna leave, just like that. And now you’re spittin’ this shit? What the fuck happened since Sunday when we were together? Or every time before that?”
“We’re friends, Noah. You’re my friend, I’m yours. It needs to stay that way, so please don’t wait for me. You need to go about your normal life while I’m gone. I don’t want to be worrying about you.”
“Worryin’ about me what? Cheatin’ on you? Jesus Christ, Skyler, do you not trust me?”
“What? No! That’s not it at all. You’re pretty much my best friend, but we’re from two different worlds. I don’t want to be worrying about you waiting here for me. That’s all.”
I nodded, stepping back. Looking her up and down. “I see. You’re ashamed of me, yeah?”
“What?” She stepped toward me with tears forming in her eyes. “Of course not! That’s the furthest thing from the truth, and you know that, Noah. I’ve tried so hard to keep you at distance, but I can’t. And it’s not fair to string you along for the next six months. Please understand… I’m just trying to do what’s right.”
“What ’bout what I think is right? Huh? That don’t matter? You makin’ my choices for me now, Skyler?”
“Noah, come on… you’re not making this any easier.”
“Miss Bell,” the driver stuck his head out the window and intervened, looking back at us. “We need to go, or you’re going to miss your flight.”
Skyler nodded at her before peering back at me. “I have to go.” She threw her arms around my neck, holding me as tight as she could against her body. “I’ll call you when I’m settled, okay?”
I didn’t say a word.
I didn’t even hug her back.
Because at the end of the day, I wanted to beg her to stay. I wanted to swallow my fucking pride, drop to my knees, and beg. The truth was…
I was already in love with her.
And I knew she was in love with me too.
I wish I would’ve known then that this was only the beginning of our fucked up love story. Maybe then I would’ve been able to change the course of our lives. But they say everything happens for a reason.
And Skyler…
Was my reason.
FOURTEEN
NOAH
“Ma! Come on, Ma! Wake up!” I roared, loudly clapping my hands in her face, hovering over her passed out body on the living room floor. “For fucks sake, Ma! Wake up!”
Nothing.
I’d been trying to get her to open her eyes for me for the last five minutes.
“Ma! Wake up!” I slapped her face, hard.
Nothing.
“Fucking A, Ma!” I stood above her body, panting profusely with my heart beating out of my chest. “Fuck, what do I do?” She’d never been this unresponsive before. I checked her breathing, it was slow and shallow, but that was normal when she passed out like this.
Reaching for my phone, I frantically scrolled through my contacts. Trying to find someone who could help me. I was on the verge of losing my shit, not knowing what the fuck I should do. My vision began tunneling, the sound from the TV echoed in the distance, and my hands suddenly started to sweat. My mind swirling back to the night Luke died, lying in Ma’s arms. His lifeless eyes still fucking staring at me even after all these years.
I froze on Diesel’s name as his face came into view holding me against the wall that same night.
“Noah! Goddamn it, look at me!”
Anxiously shaking away the images, I hit call on his name, still trying to wake Ma the fuck up like Diesel had tried to get me to look at him.
His phone went straight to voicemail. “Yeah, this is Diesel. I can’t come to the motherfucking phone, so fuck off.”
Beep.
Just as I was about to leave a message, Ma began foaming at the mouth and her body started convulsing uncontrollably out of nowhere.
“Fuck!” I panicked, ending the call. Falling to my knees at her side. “Ma! What’s goin’ on?” I stressed in a tone I didn’t recognize, pulling her into my arms as her body violently thrashed around. Her eyes flickering, rolling to the back of her head. It was the most terrifying thing I’d ever seen, and I’d seen some fucked up shit. Nothing compared to watching her shake as if she was possessed.
“Oh, fuck,” I muttered with tears pooling in my eyes. I grabbed my phone again and dialed the only number left.
“9-1-1 what is your emergency?”
“My mother! She won’t stop shakin’, foamin’ at the mouth, and her eyes keep rollin’ to the back of head. I… I… I can’t get her to stop shakin’! Fuck! She won’t stop shakin’!”
“Sir, you need to calm down. Help is on the way, but I need you to listen to me and do as I say so we can help your mom until the EMS gets th
ere, okay?”
“I’ll do whatever you say! Please help her! I don’t want her to die! Please, don’t let her die!” I begged. Tears flowed loosely from my eyes, falling onto the woman who gave me life. The woman’s life I was trying to save. Feeling as though my body was convulsing just as badly as hers.
“Is she in a safe place? Anything around her that she could hurt herself with?”
“No, she’s in my arms.”
“Alright, I need you to lay her on the floor and roll her onto her side.
“But her legs and arms are whippin’ around, she won’t stay still.”
“I know, sir, but you need to try. We need to make sure she doesn’t choke.”
I frantically nodded. “Okay.” Slowly, I laid her back down on her side, holding her in place. “She’s still thrashin’! How do I get her to stop? How do I make her stop?!”
“Sir, there’s nothing you can do to stop it. The EMS is en route and will be there in one minute. I just need you to make sure nothing is near her mouth and she’s still breathing.”
“Ma! Come on, don’t do this to me! Fuckin’ stop! Please stop!”
“Sir, you need to calm down. You can’t help her like this. She needs you to be strong. Can you do that for me? Can you do that for her?”
“Yeah… she just ca... can’t die. I can’t lose her too,” I wholeheartedly stated. My eyes snapped to the front door when I heard knocking, seeing the red and white lights flashing through the front window. “Come in!” I shouted, ending the call with the operator on the phone. “Hurry! She won’t stop shakin’! You need to help her! You need to make her stop shakin’!”
Two men and one woman dressed in uniforms rushed into the room, ushering me out of the way.
“Please! Help her!” I yelled, backing up to the adjacent wall. Using it to support my weight.
“Noah! Goddamn it look at me!” Diesel rumbled, but I was too far gone.
Watching.
Waiting.
“Noah! Look. At. Me!” This time it was Skyler’s voice ringing through my ears instead of Diesel’s. My mind playing tricks on me.
