by M. Robinson
“I loved you then, I love you now, I’ll love you forever and ever… because I’m the Cutie to your rebel…”
Ten steps…
“You were mine and I was yours… no matter what… we had each other… but now you’re gone… and here I am… lost and alone… missing you… forever praying… you’re missing me too…”
Twenty steps…
“Toxic me, hmm hmm… toxic you, hmm hmm… wild me, wild you, hmm hmm… am I hiding my light from you… or are you hiding yours from me, hmm hmm…”
Thirty steps…
“You left me behind because I begged you to… but first… you made love to me… relentlessly… always ruining me… for every other man…”
Each of my steps was precise and calculated, each stride more alarming than the last. I was a man possessed, wearing my goddamn heart on my sleeve, holding my breath, ultimately waiting till my soul found hers.
Forty steps…
“What we had… would eternally be, with you, with me, with us… for all infinity… because I was you’re sunshine and happiness… and you were mine… up to… the end… of time…”
And then I saw her, right there in front of me.
“Toxic me, hmm hmm… toxic you, hmm hmm… wild me, wild you, hmm hmm… am I hiding my light from you… or are you hiding yours from me, hmm hmm…”
I narrowed my eyes to the vision before me, she had this aura around her. It glowed, illuminating her with that same magnetic pull she had toward everyone in the room. No one stood a chance on resisting her God-given talent, born to perform on a stage.
She was still fucking breathtaking. I caught myself gasping at the sight of her. From her long, natural colored hair that was curled and cascading down the sides of her face. To her peach colored corset gown accentuated every curve of her petite body that I knew like the back of my hand. Losing myself inside of her for so many goddamn hours. Her dress had what appeared to be feathery material from her waist down, spreading out all around her.
She looked like the only angel in the spacious room, filled with nothing but blood thirsty voyeurs.
Before I knew it, her performance was over, and everyone was standing, cheering, and clapping. Causing me to lose sight of her through the crowd of party goers. Quickly realizing she disappeared.
Did I just imagine this? What would she be doing here of all of places?
I turned, looking for Vlad. Rushing my way through the party, needing to find her, feeling as though my life depended on it. The rooms were already swarming with endless amounts of people, feeding off the depravity of each other. While music played loudly through the speakers as everyone mingled and carried on, waiting for the main event.
Me.
I fucking hated Skyler being in this environment. She didn’t belong in this world. She never did. In the blink of an eye, I remembered what happened the last time she stumbled upon my betrayal. Memories of that night clouded my intuition to just feel her through the seedy air. Recalling the look in her eyes when they locked with mine after she heaved the contents from her stomach. The act of violence delivered through my fists, physically made her sick.
Of me.
Of us.
Of everything.
I needed to find her. She couldn’t bear to witness me fighting… killing another life, taking another soul, dragging them right down to the depths of Hell with me. She barely survived it last time, more than likely baring the scars to prove it.
My blood boiled to the point of searing pain, blinded by craze and madness looking for her, only to repeatedly come up empty. Unable to control the inner turmoil or the wave of emotions making themselves known, holding me captive in the prison staged in the forefront of my mind.
Panic set in.
Dominating every one of my actions, every one of my thoughts, every one of my senses.
Growling in frustration, I stopped in the middle of the foyer by the grand staircase. Tugging my hands through my unruly hair, my eyes darting in every direction as I did a three-sixty around the large, open space.
Tearing apart at the seams when I suddenly felt someone tap on my shoulder, I whipped around.
“Cuti—” Confronting Vlad face-to-face instead.
“Where the fuck have you been?” He grinned, “Did you happen to watch the performance from your birthday present?” Almost knocking me on my ass. “What?” He cocked his head to the side. “Did you think I didn’t know about her? About the two of you? Oh, come on, Noah, I knew way before she ever stepped foot into that warehouse in L.A. Despite what your Dr. Pierce thinks, I do give a fuck about you. You fight for me, and your loyalty has spoken for itself over the years. A man like me can appreciate a man like you. Fighting to forget the lost boy inside of him.”
Instantly, I jerked back stunned.
“You know, when I first saw you walk into that bar in the Bronx with that swagger and the weight of the fucking world on your shoulders, I just knew you were waiting to rip someone to shreds. Provoking anyone to step up to you. Until someone finally did, and you didn’t hesitate on laying them the fuck out. Fucking feening for their blood like a two-bit hustler.”
“Is this the part you tell me you saved me from a life of corruption?” I mocked, arching an eyebrow. Curious of where he was going with this.
Scoffing out a chuckle, he ignored my question. Stating, “Over the years I’ve had a lot of men fight for me, but you’re the first one that’s never lost one fucking round. Why do you think that is?”
“Cuz I’m just that fuckin’ good.”
“You are, but that’s merely because the only man you’re fighting and killing every time you fuck someone up, is yourself, yeah?”
I didn’t know how to reply or what to even think of that, knowing deep down he was right. Confusing the fuck out of me over the drastic change in his demeanor. Vlad was as corrupt as they came, so who the fuck was this man standing in front of me? He’d never spoken or taken an interest in my life, in any shape, way, or form.
Why now?
“Are you gonna tell me where the fuck Skyler is? Or are ya just gonna keep standin’ there, pretendin’ you actually give a fuck ’bout me?”
“Relax. I’m not kidnapping her and selling her to the highest bidder. She’s far too famous for me to get away with that, Rebel.”
I glared at him.
“Don’t bite the hand that fucking feeds you, motherfucker,” he spewed in a thick Albanian accent. Stepping closer to me, getting right up in my face. “It’s your birthday and you’ve made me a lot of money, so how about you just say thank you?”
“I find it hard to fuckin’ believe you did this for me.”
“And why is that?”
“Cuz you have me kill for money.”
“I don’t have you do shit. You do that on your own. I made you an offer years ago, and you didn’t refuse it. At any point and time, you could’ve walked away. You chose to kill people, Noah. I simply made it easier for you, but how much longer do you think you can fight without dying, eh? Might want to think about that when you find her.”
“You gonna make things even more awkward between us and hug it out? Cuz I’ll tell you right now, if you touch me, you’ll leave me no fuckin’ choice but to lay you out, old man. Now tell me where the fuck she is?”
He laughed, “Believe it or not, I have a soft spot for women who own men’s balls, you pussy-whipped son of a bitch. But last I saw, she was talking to Director Jackson Ellis, in the library. Third floor, fifth room on the right.”
Before he had the last word out, I was sprinting down the hallway.
“Don’t wear yourself out, fucking her! You fight in an hour!” he called out behind me.
I ran the entire way there, dodging people, veering through the crowd. Sticking out like a sore fucking thumb. All his guests were dressed to the nines like they always were, and here I was wearing gyms shorts and a shirt with no sleeves.
I hauled ass, feeling as though forever flew by until I was fi
nally taking the stairs three at a time. Each step faster than the last, trying to get to her through the mayhem of this goddamn party. My senses kicked into overdrive as soon as I made it to the third floor.
What do I say to her?
I’m sorry?
I love you?
I need you?
But you gotta leave, so I can kill someone first?
All those questions were pounding around in my mind as fast as my heart was pounding through my chest, I didn’t waver, roaring down the hallway just as fast. Nothing could stop me, not even our past.
Ready to talk to her, hug her, feel her, for the first time in over five years. I’d been dreaming about this moment for just as long. More emotions consumed my mind, but it didn’t stop me from reaching for the door handle and turning it.
When all of a sudden, I heard a man say, “You want the role, don’t you, Skyler?” abruptly restraining my descent. “Then audition for me, sweetheart. Prove to me how bad you want this part.”
My hand let go of the knob and the door slowly started to open on its own accord. Displaying by far my worst fucking nightmare.
Barely having a moment, a second to even contemplate what was happening, before I was standing in the open doorway.
Greeted by a whole new set of her demons, fucking possessing me to watch.
Him spewing, “Be the best actress you can be. Go above and beyond what you usually do for other directors.”
It was as if I was reliving Luke dying.
Ma’s seizures.
Creed and Pops burying my brother’s body out in the woods.
All. At. Once.
I stopped breathing.
“I’m harder to please than most directors, I make my actresses audition all night for a role.”
My fists balled up.
“Show me what makes you so goddamn special. It’s my turn to experience Hollywood’s shining star.”
My body clenched.
“How far are you willing to go to get a part? All the way?”
My mind went to that dark place inside myself.
Fight or die…
Fight or die…
Fight or die…
As if my glare was shooting fucking bullets, my eyes went from Skyler laying on the couch with her peach colored gown spread out all around her.
“You’re going to have to do better than that, sweetheart. Let me feel you.”
To the man dressed in a black fucking tuxedo, his left arm placed on the back rest of the couch by her head, while his solid frame hovered over her body.
Fight or die…
Fight or die…
Fight or die…
With his hand up her fucking dress…
In between her spread fucking thighs.
Fisting its way to my fucking heart, replicating that feeling in my chest.
“You need to get wet for me, baby. It’s a requirement for the role. Now let me feel your pussy come on my fingers, or else you’re just wasting my time.”
His vulgar words slammed into me like a thousand fucking daggers with no end in sight. My glare shot up to Skyler’s face for the first time, needing to see her get off on the pleasure from another man like she always did for me.
Never expecting her to already be staring back at me, like the scene unfolding in front of her was by far her worst nightmare as well.
Our eyes locked, and she bared it all…
Her pain.
Her sorrow.
Her reality.
For the second time in over a decade, she revealed her truths. Showing me the girl who sought refuge in me by making love to her, before leaving me behind.
Exposing her other life.
The one I wanted to be a part of so badly when we were kids, but she just couldn’t let me in, because she couldn’t show me this part of her.
I grasped right then and there, I had been right all along. From the very beginning of our fucked-up love story. Skyler truly was two different people.
One for me who owned her heart.
And another for her career who owned her body.
When all they really wanted…
Was. Her. Soul.
FORTY-THREE
NOAH
The words, “Noah, no!” flew out of Skyler’s mouth right when I sprang into action with fury coursing through my veins.
I forcefully grabbed ahold of the motherfucker and ripped him off the top of her, as soon as the last word left her lips. Using the fuel from my rage to throw his solid body across the room, watching as his back connected with the adjacent wall with a loud, hard thud. Practically knocking him the fuck out as he tore through the shelves of books. Thankful no one was around to witness me snapping his fucking neck.
In two strides, I bent down and picked him up off the ground by his hair as he instantly surrendered his hands out in front of him.
“I don’t want any trouble, she consented to this!” he let out in one breathe, shaking like a goddamn pussy. Nearly pissing himself.
Halting my vicious assault that I wanted to inflict by crushing his fucking windpipe, I crudely shoved him away instead. Making his back roughly collide with the shelves again.
My chest heaved, my nostrils flared, and with my murderous glare, I narrowed my eyes at him. Snarling, “Run before I fuckin’ kill you.”
He took one last look at Skyler and bolted out of there like a bat out of Hell. Slamming the door behind him.
After he left, she breathed out, “It’s not what you think,” loud enough for me to hear.
Unable to turn around and face her, I growled, “It’s exactly what I fuckin’ think.” Feeling like the room was caving in on me. “How. Long?”
“Noah—”
“How. Long?”
“Let me explain… please just let me explain.”
“Explain what exactly? How you whore yourself out for movie roles?”
“No! I… I just don’t… I can’t…”
“Here we go again wit’ your ‘I can’t’ bullshit.”
“Noah, please… Can you just turn around and look at me? I need you to look at me, please...”
“Skyler, if I look at you right now, it’ll fuckin’ destroy me. I’m hangin’ on by a thread. A very thin fuckin’ thread. And if you don’t start answerin’ my goddamn questions, I’m gonna find Keith and I’m gonna to do to him, what I was just ‘bout to do to that motherfuckin’ director, finger fuckin’ you. Do you understand me?”
She broke down and started crying, mutilating my heart a little more. “It’s not what you think… I swear it’s not what you think…”
“Then fuckin’ tell me!” I roared, slamming my fist into the mangled shelves. Causing her to let out a small scream, flinching away with her arm’s cradling her head.
Never expecting what she was about to say…
Ever.
“It’s just the way it is, Noah! It’s the way it’s always been! It’s how everyone gets roles!”
I snapped around so fucking fast, it almost gave me whiplash. “Bullshit! Why the fuck wouldya even think that?!”
“Please… I just…” She frantically shook her head, stumbling over her words. “It’s just… I mean… just… let me explain.”
“Then fuckin’ explain, Skyler, cuz all I keep hearin’ is more fuckin’ bullshit!”
“I know how it looks, okay? But you don’t know a damn thing about this industry, alright? I’ve been in it my whole life. I know what I’m talking about, this is just how things are.”
“How. Long?” I shuddered from the brutal impact of her words.
“Noah—”
“How fuckin’ long?!”
Time stood still, everything around us stopped. Except my merciless thoughts, as I impatiently waited for her to answer, knowing it was only going to intensify my chaotic state. I desperately tried governing any ounce of control I had left. My impulses were seething violently through my body.
I was shaking, every part of my resolve hammered through
out my core. I could hear it ringing in my ears, feel it in my blood. Producing a debilitating pain that made my eyes water and my teeth grind.
Anticipating for her to kill me all over again.
“Skyler,” I warned in an unnerving tone, with my thin fucking thread about to snap the fuck off.
“Noah, please… what are you even doing here?”
“How. Long?”
“I honestly don’t know how to answer that.”
“What the fuck does that even mean?”
“It means it’s always been happening in one way or another.”
My eyes widened, instantly brimming with tears. “Please don’t tell me… Jesus Christ… was this happenin’ when you were a child?”
“Sometimes.”
“Cutie…”
“Don’t look at me like that. Please, Noah. This is why I never told you. This is why I couldn’t let you in… because of that look on your face right now. I knew you’d never be able to look at me the same ever again, and I couldn’t risk losing you. Or having you look at me as anyone other than your sunshine and happiness. It’s just the way Hollywood is. I accepted that a long time ago, so please stop looking at me like that. It’s only killing me.”
“Baby…” I blinked, and tears slipped from my eyes down to the floor between us. And before I knew it, I was standing in front of her, pulling her into my arms. Holding her close against my chest. Needing to feel her, in order to survive this. “I’m so sorry, Skyler… I shoulda known… I coulda protected you, baby… I’m just so fuckin’ sorry…”
She melted into my embrace, like she was trying to sink into my body. Her shoulders trembled from the sobs wreaking havoc on hers. My arms tightened around her as a million more questions ran rapid though my mind.
Blurting, “How old were you when you first got molested?”
“Noah, it’s not like that.”
“Baby, yes, it is… you just didn’t know any better…”
“No… I consented to it. I let them do it. It’s just the way things are. That’s what Keith has always said, he—”
“I’m gonna fuckin’ kill him.”
“No!” She pulled away from me. “He hated it too. He’s always hated it. But it’s just the way it is! He’s been there for me, through it all, consoling me after. Telling me everything was going to be alright. Talking me through all the confusing emotions. Assuring me it was normal for girls in this industry to get ahead. Helping me understand that we couldn’t change things! It’s just how Hollywood is. You don’t get it!”
