by M. Robinson
“No, baby…” I shook my head, wiping the tears from her face. “It’s you that doesn’t fuckin’ get it. He’s your goddamn pimp, Skyler. Has he raped you too?”
“No! He’s like my dad! He would never hurt me! You don’t know anything about this life! Nothing!” Uncontrollable tears streamed down her beautiful face. “He loves me! Do you hear me?! Keith loves me!”
“For fuck’s sake, Cutie! That’s not love! It’s pure manipulation! That’s how he gets you to sell yourself! By makin’ you believe it’s normal! By relyin’ on only him! By controllin’ you’re every move! Why can’t you see you’re only dollar signs to him?!”
“That’s not true! It’s just not true!”
“Does your daddy know? Huh? Tell me? Does he know what he’s been puttin’ you through?”
The expression on her face answered my question.
“Right… let me guess why. Cuz he’s already grievin’ his wife at the bottom of a bottle. No need to give him anymore shit, yeah?”
“How do you know that?”
“Cuz I saw him at a meetin’ over a year ago. He had hit his rock bottom the same day the press announced you were in rehab for the first fuckin’ time.”
“Oh my God, does that mean he’s sober?”
“He’s tryin’ to be,” I paused, allowing my words to sink in.
“How did I not know this? I know I haven’t been home to see him in a long time, but why wouldn’t he tell me?”
“Looks like keepin’ secrets runs wild in your family.”
“That’s not fair.”
“Not fair? You wanna talk ’bout shit that’s not fair again? Cuz I’ll tell you what’s not fuckin’ fair. Havin’ the girl, who I love more than anythin’ in this world, crawl into my bed in the middle of the night, upset… torn… fuckin’ devastated, while I chased away her demon’s wit’ my goddamn cock.”
She winced from the shock of my abrasiveness.
“Only to be slapped in the fuckin’ face that she wasn’t a virgin. So, tell me, which one of your precious fuckin’ directors took what was supposed to be mine?”
Backing further away from me, her eyes intensified, with one hand over her heart. As if she was trying to hold it together.
A man could only take so much, and I had reached my wit’s end. I wanted answers and I wanted them right fucking now. Even if it meant I had to pry them out of her, fighting tooth and nail to get her to just open up the flood gates and let her sins wash over me. They would be our burdens together.
Unable to control my patience and temper any longer, I went at her. Needing to hear all her truths once and for all.
“Where you goin’, Cutie? Can’t handle the truth? Goin’ to run just like you did back then?” I stepped toward her and she stepped back.
“Stop!”
“Stop what? I’m just gettin’ to know the real Skyler Bell. The one who thinks older men touchin’ her pussy is okay, considerin’ she was only a child. Cuz what did ya say? It’s normal, yeah? That’s just the way it is in Hollywood? Pedophiles, hidin’ behind a title of bein’ a fuckin’ director, so they could molest and rape little girls.”
“Noah, stop it!”
“No! I’m not gonna stop it! Not until you understand that Keith isn’t anythin’ but your goddamn pimp!”
I could see her resolve crumbling as fast as mine was. I was getting through to her, and as much as it was killing me to continue pushing her over edge. I had to. It was the only way, I could save her from this motherfucker who’s been using her body like it belongs to him.
“Is that how you got your first big break? Did you fuck the producer into hirin’ you as Roxie Hart? Which seems fittin’ now, seein’ as Roxie was a whore. How many of the directors are married? Wit’ little shitlins running around? Cuz you’re claimin’ some mighty big words, you consented to it all, right? Then that would make ya one too.
She shut her eyes when I clung onto the back of her neck, tugging her to me. She came over to me naturally, and I hugged her tight against my body. Fitting me like a glove.
“What’s wrong, baby? Is my girl realizin’ that she might have it all twisted? That her father figure is just a snake in the fuckin’ grass? Cuz the man who’d fuckin’ die for her has known that since the first time he laid eyes on him.”
“Noah, please… please… I’m begging you. Just stop… I can’t breathe. I can’t fucking breathe.”
With my face on the side of hers, I glided my cheek along the crevice of her jaw and then along the side of her neck. Moving my lips to her quivering pout.
I kissed her lips for the first time in what felt like forever, murmuring, “Then I’ll just breathe for you.” Finding the strength I needed to endure what I was about to bare. Realizing that if I wanted Skyler to share her demons with me, then I had to do it as well.
Reaching for the hem of my shirt, I pulled it over my head, taking it off. But it wasn’t until I grabbed her hand and placed it over my Maddie tattoo that she immediately opened her eyes. Connecting with my intense stare.
Not hesitating, I confessed my biggest demon. “She was my daughter.”
Blowing her fucking resolve.
Her glassy eyes widened as her hand covered her trembling lips. “Was?”
I nodded. “Yeah, Cutie. Was. She died minutes after she was born, a month early.”
Memories of that night hit me like a bucket of freezing cold water. Blistering my heated skin as I continued my story.
“Honestly, everythin’ that happened prior to Maddie dyin’ don’t matter, cuz it won’t bring her back.” Wiping away the tears in my eyes with the back of my hand, I took a deep breath, finding the will to resume. “Shit went down with my old man’s MC. Long story short, instead of stayin’ wit’ her and our baby, I ran after the motherfucker’s wit’ Diesel and some other brothers. Leavin’ them both to fight for their lives wit’ Creed and the MC doctor, Doc. By the time I got back, Maddie…” I paused, reeling in the emotions her name alone caused, “…was already gone.”
Every emotion came flooding back as if I was still standing there, staring at my baby girl’s lifeless body. This was the first time I was telling anyone about what happened, about what I went through.
All in the name of Devil’s fuckin’ Rejects.
Wishing more than anything, I was the one who put my old man to ground. My mind wondering to all the things I would have said and done to him, before putting a bullet between his eyes. I may have physically been there with Skyler, but mentally, I was gone just like Maddie.
I was there, but I wasn’t.
My mind dragged me back to the past, where I lost everything I’ve wanted.
A family.
Except, I’d always known in the back of my mind it was with…
The wrong girl.
FORTY-FOUR
NOAH
“Creed,” I whispered in an eerie tone. Cautiously walking around him. Taking in the scene in front of me, from all the blood on everyone’s clothes, to the sullen expression on their faces, until my hesitant stare settled on my older brother.
He mouthed, “I’m sorry,” for what, I understood.
My eyes widened, my jaw dropped, and all the life drained from my body. Fervently shaking my head, I breathed out, “No,” peering down at my baby girl who was in his arms. “NOOOOO!” I screamed bloody murder, an ear-piercing scream that resonated deep in my bones.
Eternally etched in my mind, forever branding my soul. Tears swelled up in my eyes as my chest heaved and my body trembled.
“Give her to me!” I stepped toward him, but he stepped back.
Profusely shaking his head with fresh tears rolling down the sides of his face. “Noah… please…”
“GIVE HER TO ME!” I yelled loud enough to break fucking glass.
It echoed around the small room, lingering in my ears. I reached for her, causing him to take another step back. In spite of the devastating agony I was feeling, I knew he was trying to salvage what was left o
f my heart. Protecting his baby brother the only way he knew how. Knowing if he let me hold her, it would completely destroy me.
But, it wouldn’t change the outcome. Letting me see her up close. Feel her.
Fucking love her.
“Noah, we did everythin’ we could. I swear to you,” he uttered, but I didn’t catch the rest of what he said. Because, despite the fact I knew Creed would never purposely hurt me, it still didn’t stop the feelings, the emotions, the sentiments of what I blamed him for.
Maddie…
“Fuck you!” I seethed through gritted teeth, murderously glaring at him. It was the first time I had ever felt so much fucking hatred for him. More now than when he left to play G.I. fucking Joe. More than leaving me with our alcoholic mother and piece of shit father. More than killing our brother, Luke.
This was unforgiveable.
Without giving it any thought, I lunged forward, roughly ripping my daughter’s lifeless body out of his grasp. Cradling her in my hands, immediately unwrapping the blanket from her face. Needing to see her with my own two eyes.
She was so beautiful.
So small.
So perfect.
So. Dead.
“NO! NO! NO! PLEASE! PLEASE! DOC, DO SOMETHIN’! PLEASE FUCKIN’ DO SOMETHIN’!” I bellowed, holding onto my daughter. Falling to my knees, I held her close to my chest rocking her back and forth. “It’s okay, baby girl. It’s okay, Daddy’s here… I’m here now… Everythin’ is gonna be fine. I’m gonna make it all better. It’s okay,” I choked on my words, setting her on the floor in front of me. My hands shaking over her, not knowing what to do.
Desperately wanting to resuscitate her.
“Please… Maddie… please… don’t do this to me… please don’t fuckin’ do this to me… I can’t lose you… you’re all I ever wanted… please…” I suddenly looked around the room. “Why are you just fuckin’ standin’ there?! Why isn’t anyone doin’ anythin’?! PLEASE! FUCKIN’ HELP ME!” Sucking in air, I hyperventilated. My heart fucking breaking into a million pieces.
“How could you let this happen?! I shouldn’t have fuckin’ left! She would be alive, if I hadn’t fuckin’ left!” I grabbed ahold of her again, taking her in my arms, pressing her up against my face. “I’m sorry, Maddie… I’m fuckin’ sorry I failed you… Please… please… baby girl… forgive me… I love you more than anything… I’m sorry,” I repeated over and over again, kissing all over her tiny face, her tiny arms, her tiny chest.
My body gave out on me, hunching over from crying so fucking hard. Losing the battle I never had the chance of winning. After this day, my life would be forever changed. There was no coming back from this.
Everyone watched in silence as I mourned the death of my daughter for I don’t know how long. Struggling to hand her over to Doc, who delivered her. Needing to hold onto her for a few more minutes, a few more hours, when a lifetime wouldn’t have been enough time with her. I cradled her for as long as I could. Having a hard time letting her go. I couldn’t do it, I just couldn’t say goodbye to my baby girl.
Not now.
Not ever.
I huddled over her tiny frame, grieving her death. The life she should have had. The happiness she should have brought into this world.
Into my life.
Not the devastation that occurred.
I cried into the nook of her neck and broke the fuck down. Whispering more apologies in her ear before turning my face away, unable to look at her any longer. Doc helped me by grabbing ahold of her, gently pulling her out of my tight grasp. Causing me to reluctantly let her go from my arms.
“I know, man… I know…” he mourned with me, letting me hold onto his shoulder for support.
I could barely fucking stand.
But I needed to keep going, keep moving, even though I was now fucking dead inside. Everything that proceeded was one big giant clusterfuck and blur.
Until I heard Creed holler, “Noah!” as I was making my way toward the front door.
I didn’t answer or stop, not that he expected me to. When I felt him grab onto my shoulder, I didn’t fucking hesitate in pulling out my gun and firmly pressing it right against his chest. Digging it right into his heart.
He jerked back, his eyes widening. Never fucking expecting that.
I gritted out, staring deep into his eyes, “If you know what’s good for you, you’ll let me walk out of here. I’ve killed men for far fuckin’ less than what you just did in there, Creed.”
He was no longer my brother standing in front of me.
My family.
My blood.
He was just the man who killed my daughter.
Taking away my whole fucking world, the one thing that made me feel whole after Skyler left.
With my finger still firmly over the trigger, I cocked my gun to the side. Spewing, “But you ain’t worth the blood. You ain’t worth the fuckin’ effort. Bein’ a part of your life is a guaranteed fuckin’ death sentence.” I nodded behind him. “Maddie’s death… her blood… it’s on you. You’re the reason she’s dead.”
The sincerity of my words were like taking bullet after bullet, after fucking bullet to his heart. Far worse than any shot could have delivered from the barrel of my gun.
I backed away slowly, still aiming my gun at his chest. Taking one last look at him with disgust and hatred evident in my eyes, before I turned and left. Slamming the door behind me.
Instantly seeing Skyler’s face, knowing in my heart that this never would have happened. If she hadn’t left me.
Immediately making me hate her just as much as I would eternally fucking love her.
Skyler’s crying out brought me back to the present, standing right there in front of her. She looked as devastated as I felt. Noticing that I was crying as well, more tears streaming down my face.
“Oh my God, Noah… I’m so sorry. Please… please forgive me…”
“I know, baby. I know.”
“I had no idea…” She uncontrollably sobbed into my chest. I can’t begin to imagine what you went through, losing a child. I’m so so so sorry. I wish I could go back. Change everything, take away the pain I’ve caused.”
More shuddering.
More shaking.
More sobbing.
“I can’t believe this. It’s all my fault, Noah. If I wouldn’t have left… you would have never… Jesus, now I understand why you hate me. I hate me too.”
“Look at me.” I grabbed her chin, making her look up at me through her tear-soaked lashes. “For a long time, I blamed you, Creed, and even myself, but the truth is it’s no one’s fault. My brother was placed in a shitty situation that night, and in the end, he did what I probably woulda done, if I’d been in his fuckin’ boots. Creed and I are on good terms, we worked through our shit. But it don’t matter, cuz—” I placed my hand over her name “—Maddie will forever live in my heart. I may have only gotten that one short moment wit’ her. But I was there for every ultrasound, every doctor’s appointment, tryin’ to be the best father I could. Not wantin’ to miss one damn milestone throughout her pregnancy. I got to feel my baby girl kickin’ in her momma’s belly, I got to see her tiny, beautiful face even if it was only brief. What still fuckin’ kills me though, is that I never got the chance to say goodbye to her. But I’m prayin’ that maybe I’ll get to see her again one day, you know… before God tells me to get the fuck outta there.”
She giggled, sniffling.
“Baby, no more secrets, yeah?”
Her eyes locked with mine, knowing it was her turn to share her demons with me. The mere thought of what she was about to tell me was almost too much to handle on its own.
Before she could give it anymore thought, she finally replied to my plaguing question with, “I went to you that night because for a week prior, I couldn’t live with what had happened to me.”
In an instant, it felt like I was standing in quicksand, and it was rapidly taking me under. Skyler must have felt it too, sh
e shuddered and shut her eyes, cascading down the wall behind her. Reminding me of a waterfall, plunging into a pile of nothing when she hit the bottom. I willingly went with her, we could drown together.
Swallowing hard, she muttered, “I attended a party at a director’s house in Miami. For most of the night, I drank away my sadness from having to leave you. Mingling around the room. Being Skyler Bell. When at some point during the night I just happened to be standing next to the owner of the estate. We talked, I charmed him, luring him in with my false confidence. Portraying the shining star I was always meant to be. One thing led to another and he called over another executive producer…”
It was my turn to shut my eyes, leaning my forehead against hers. “Cutie, no more. I don’t need to hear the rest.” Aware of where she was leading with this.
Not making it any easier when fresh tears started flowing freely down her face, confiding, “They took my virginity, Noah,” in a distressed voice that would forever haunt me.
Quickly realizing she was no longer there with me, her mind went right back to that night.
“They passed me around like I was nothing but a whore. Not caring that they were hurting me, not stopping when they made me bleed. Cry, breakdown…”
“Baby, baby, baby…” I wept against her lips. Placing my hand on her cheek. “Open your eyes. I’m here. You’re wit’ me. No one can ever hurt you again. Do you understand me?”
She hastily fought, trying to shove me away but it didn’t faze me. I knew it wasn’t me she was trying to battle, it was her recollection of that night. Where she lost what had always belonged to me.
Her soul.
I didn’t move an inch though she wanted me to move a mile. She struggled against me on the floor, trying to stand until her body gave out, her mind shut down, and her memory surrendered. All together in a pile of penance in between us. She sucked in air and took me in again as if she just remembered it was me who was there with her. When she couldn’t fight me any longer, she wrapped her arms around me.
