Heroes of Last Resort (The Other Guys Book 1)

by JK Galioto

  Okay, that last bit had to be Alexa’s humor. It made sense that his charisma would be affected by the smell, though. He was worse than Pig-Pen, Charlie Brown’s friend; he thought he could almost see the dust, dirt, and bugs flying around him as he walked. Out of the corner of his eye, he spotted what he thought were stink lines—actual stink lines!

  Jack, bummed out at not seeing a level-up notification, was curious to know how much experience he’d received from Moandir and its clearly codependent children.

  You have killed the merged form of Moandir, Spot, and Smidgin. You receive 1,300 experience points and are awarded the title: Monster Hunter. This title increases the chance to find rare or higher-quality loot by 10% when battling unusual monsters. You are awarded 100 fame points for killing Moandir and its vile spawn in their lair, ridding the mines of this longtime menace.

  Monster Hunter! He loved the title but wished it had helped them down in that garbage pit, still feeling sore about the billowing cape. He shrugged, then asked Gooch if he had leveled up.

  “Yeah, I leveled up to six in Magus. Beyond the usual hit points, stamina, spell points, skill points, and attribute points, I was able to improve my Combat Casting perk to reduce the time it takes me to cast spells while wielding a weapon and shield. I also took a new spell, Mending, which I can hopefully use to repair our armor and other items. I also gained skill points in a bunch of skills, which resulted in a perk for block and parry! Finally, I learned the dodge and blunt weapons skills. Quite a score, my friend!” Gooch finished enthusiastically.

  Jack had noticed a few personality changes in Gooch since coming to this new world. Gooch had always been reserved, taking his time to carefully analyze everything before acting. Whether that involved a conversation, a game of Gloomhaven, or playing football, Gooch was always the tortoise that won the race, where Jack was the rabbit that lost. But since coming to Rigara, his behavior had shifted to noticeably more impulsive. A side effect of the process? Or maybe Gooch was just finally letting loose?

  They made it to the top of the pit to find everyone asleep except for a pair of brown-haired halflings that could have been twins standing watch around the fire. They made to greet Gooch and Jack, but stopped short, crinkling their noses as they drew closer.

  “Billy, do ya smell somethin’?” the halfling on the right asked. Billy didn’t hear him through the sound of his own retching as green, viscous vomit exploded from his mouth to cover the other halfling. This in turn caused the first halfling to vomit, ejecting yellow-green mush violently out of his mouth. The stream of vomit was impressive as it arced through the air, landing just in front of Jack.

  “I can’t help but feel I am somehow responsible for this,” Jack said, a chagrined expression on his face as he held his hands up in a placating gesture. The halflings, busy dry-heaving on the ground, didn’t notice, so Jack dropped the chain armor and decided it would be a good time to take a bath in the stream where they’d killed the lobster creature. That reminded Jack—he had lobster to eat! Or crab meat? Or whatever that creature was. The problem with having a portable backpack was you forget what’s hiding in there. He mentally chastised himself for not checking his inventory tab more often.

  “Hey Gooch, I’m going to take a much-needed bath. You did promise to clean my armor if I found the pearl first, I recall,” Jack said nonchalantly. “Besides, you want to smell good for Maebh, don’t you?”

  “Are you going to keep bringing that up?” Gooch asked, dropping his load of weapons and armor and following Jack up the side of the pit toward the cavern with the stream.

  They returned a few hours later, sans two bars of soap, looking—and more importantly, smelling—fresh for the first time since coming through the portal. Jack had forgotten what it felt like to be clean. They were wearing newly scrubbed orc and hobgoblin clothes and carrying their still-damp armor, also just cleaned. Neither of them had bothered shaving. Maybe it was Jack’s new elven heritage, but he barely had any stubble on his face, while Gooch’s moustache and goatee showed the good foundation of a bushy Bob Ross-style beard.

  Between the fight down below with Moandir, the hours spent playing scavenger hunt in the garbage, and their bath, they were both ready for bed. Or, you know, ready for the rock-hard ground. After a quick meal of mush that seemed to be perpetually cooking over the fire, they pulled their hides out and went to sleep.

  Chapter 45

  After waking up and doing his now-familiar stretching routine to get the kinks out of his body after sleeping on the unforgiving ground, Jack talked to the halfling cook, a portly fellow that looked to be in his mid-forties. He shared nearly half of his crab-lobster meat to add to the porridge, wanting to give the halflings a hearty meal before they left for their home.

  “Maebh, can anyone in your group identify this wand?” Jack asked, pulling out eighteen inches of twisted white wood from his adventurer’s backpack.

  Maebh raised an eyebrow at this. “I feel as if I be hearin’ this one before, Jack!” she said with a wink. “But alas, none of me folk can cast the Analyze spell,” she eventually responded, clearly seeing an actual wand presented. “Nearly all of us be scouts, fighters, or simple farmers and craftsmen. We be not doing a lot of adventuring, so our leveling be slow. Most of us be still with our first class or profession. But, when ye come to visit meh at Edinbergh, we have shops that can Analyze it for a fee.”

  “Profession?” This was the first time Jack had heard the term, and he inwardly groaned thinking about an entire new system of leveling up. C’mon, Rigara!

  “I be forgettin’ ye not be from around here. When ye come of age in Rigara, and that timin’ be different for each, ye get an option to choose yer first class. This be either a profession, like Blacksmithing, or ye can choose a more martial class, like Fighter or Scout. If ye choose a profession, yer levels take longer to progress, but yer ability to specialize in yer profession be greatly increased. Every five levels of yer profession ye can switch to a new profession or martial class if ye choose.”

  “Alexa, why didn’t I get to choose a profession?” It kind of bothered Jack when choices were withheld from him.

  “Would you have chosen a profession over a class, Jack?” Alexa countered.

  “Well, no, but that’s beside the point!” Jack pouted visibly.

  Maebh was staring at him, so he stopped his mental conversation with Alexa, vowing to pick it up again later. “That’s helpful, Maebh. Out of curiosity, what level are you?”

  “That’s not somethin’ you normally ask another person, but I not be bashful. I be a level four scout. I should probably be changin’ to the miner profession at level five because of me apprentice rank due to the weeks I have spent here, but that ain’t happenin’,” she replied testily, daring Jack to challenge her. She then went on to give Jack an overview of her skills and background trait, which gave her a benefit in battle against goblins and orcs.

  “Hey, you do you, Maebh,” Jack said, trying to diffuse her pent-up frustration at being forced to mine these last few months. As a doughy, middle-aged white guy, he couldn’t possibly comprehend the trauma they’d endured.

  “Damn right me do me, Jacky. By the way, since I lifted me skirt and gave ye a peek, why don’t ya give me a little peek in kind?” she said suggestively, giving another exaggerated eye wink.

  “Um, okay, Maebh, but I kinda thought you liked tall men,” Jack stammered, beginning to untie his pants drawstring, not sure how the conversation had veered in this direction.

  “Not that, you dolt! I meant, what level be ye and what skills do you have?” she said, rolling her eyes at the dumb ox that was Jack. “It’s a figure of speech! They don’t have those as well as magic in your world?”

  “Oh right,” Jack replied, hurriedly tying his drawstring back up. This is certainly awkward. He shared his level, perks, traits, and skills with her, not seeing the harm.

  “How in the hell do you have so many skills! That shouldn’t be possible!” she asked,
looking at Jack as if seeing him for the first time.

  “I’ve got a background perk that lets me learn skills quickly, without race or class restrictions,” Jack answered, wondering if sharing everything was a good idea.

  Accepting the answer, she continued. “That’s quite the perk! And yer sixth level already, yet you’ve only been on this world less than a week? Boy, aren’t you an ambitious one? I like me men with fire in their bellies,” she said, saddling closer.

  “You know,” Jack responded, nervously moving back a few inches, “Gooch is also level six. And he’s only been on Rigara for a few days. He must have a raging inferno in his belly!” His nervous laugh probably wasn’t all that convincing, even with his high charisma.

  Gooch conveniently took that moment to join them at the fire, casting his Comprehend Languages spell.

  “Good morning, sunshine,” Jack said lightheartedly. At least, he thought it was morning; it was hard to tell without the sun. “We don’t have eggs, toast, or coffee, but we do have mush and crab. Add steak and I am confident it forms the foundation of the Rigara Food Pyramid.”

  “Good morning, Jack, good morning, Maebh,” Gooch said gruffly, still waking up as he moved toward the large pot cooking over the campfire.

  “Good morning, sugar,” Maebh replied, sitting herself next to Gooch when he returned with a huge bowl of the porridge-crab concoction.

  “So, Maebh, when are you and your folk heading out?” Gooch asked between bites of the hot gruel, looking anywhere but at her.

  That’s right, big fella, play it cool. Jack tried and failed to hide a smirk.

  “Just as soon as we finish up with breakfast,” she said, looking over the other halflings that were in various states of eating and packing. “You will come and visit me, won’t ya, Gooch?” she asked, rising to her feet. Standing up, she was about the same height as Gooch sitting down. She kissed him gently on his cheek, stroking his face with her petite, delicate hand, before turning away to pack her things.

  Gooch looked stunned, then mortified, then stunned again, but Jack’s keen hearing caught him whisper under his breath, “Try to stop me.”

  Jack finished his own food and took everything out of his backpack, including the dead goblin from days before that he had forgotten about. Ugh! He really needed to do a better job of monitoring his inventory. When he was done, he divested himself of all poor weapons, handing out several daggers, a spear, and a shortsword to the halflings. He held on to the basilisk and hooked horror scales, along with the oats and the remaining hooked horror meat. He was relieved to find that he was completely out of deer and mountain lion steaks. He kept the standard-quality weapons along with rope, flint, coins, gems, the Dust Devil spell book, five health restoration potions, and mana potion. After his backpack purge, he had twelve spots to spare. Gooch had done likewise, and within an hour they were packed up and ready to go.

  Chapter 46

  After saying their goodbyes to the halflings, who were also about to head out, Jack and Gooch started the climb back up the ramp. They were clean, well-fed, rested, and friends with a group of halflings that could turn into potential allies. Everything is going somewhat to plan. Jack nearly facepalmed at the thought, hoping he didn’t just jinx himself.

  As they walked back up the tunnel, they made it to the room with the statues of Dobby and the beautiful elven lady. Jack stopped for a moment to play a song that he had created to honor Dobby. He pulled out his lute and sat by the small goblin. “Dobby. I sure as heck don’t know if you can hear me in there, but I wrote this for you. Don’t think I have forgotten what you did for me and my promise to free you from your stone prison.” He began to sing to the tune of the old Bobby Hebb song, “Sunny.”

  “Dobby, yesterday the cave was filled with pain.

  Dobby, you jumped in when I fought the basilisk alone.

  Now that Daryl is dead, you’re here instead.

  My Dobby one stands still in stone,

  Dobby one so true, I’ll save you.”

  After a few minutes, Jack finished playing and returned his lute to his backpack. Placing a hand on the top of Dobby’s head, he said goodbye a final time before he and Gooch moved on toward the cave exit. It was blissfully empty, and they emerged from the cave without issue. The first thing Jack noticed was the smell of fresh air hitting his body and the sunlight warming his skin. He took in a deep breath, releasing tension that had been building for a few days.

  “It feels so good to be in the light again,” Gooch said, echoing Jack’s thoughts. “I know it was only a couple days, but it felt like we were underground for a decade. That life is not for me,” he finished, stretching to his full height, arms extended as if about to yawn.

  “Couldn’t agree with you more. Let’s head back to the portal.” They moved slowly, enjoying the sunlight and fresh air. Jack shared his limited knowledge of the plants with Gooch along the way. They found a few raspberry bushes, storing the raspberries in their backpack, hoping it would make the oatmeal mush more tolerable. They also found a few patches of the healing moss and put those in the backpack for later as well. Jack gained a couple points in his gathering plants and perception skills, and Gooch learned the gathering plants skill.

  It was nightfall when they made it back to the river where Jack had killed the mountain lion, and they decided to spend the night there under the open sky. After cooking a small dinner of oats, crab meat, and raspberries, they settled in for the night, lying on their hides near the fire and covering up with the woolen blankets taken from the overseer’s hut.

  “Who are you going to bring back with the next two pearls?” Gooch asked, looking up at the unfamiliar stars.

  “I’ve been giving that some thought. After seeing what happened to you, I would like to bring over our friends that have the highest chance to make it through the transition into Rigara and its strange world of character sheets. What do you think?” he asked, knowing his friend had probably been thinking on this for days, like a giant puzzle he had to solve.

  “I am in full agreement. I think there could be benefits to bringing over a tough old coot like Joel, a true adventurer like Joey, or a tough Army guy like T, but I’m worried they may not be able to make the transition. I mean, they would probably be fine, but who knows? Bo and Gritz will probably make the transition okay, but their skills are mainly focused on engineering and architecture. A huge advantage if we ever need to build a stronghold, but that doesn’t seem to be in the near future. On the other hand, Geoe and Topher are lifelong gamers with adaptable minds, and they’ll both probably lean toward spell casters, which is what we need. With the connection they have with you, I think they would breeze through the process,” Gooch responded.

  “We agree then. It doesn’t hurt that Topher is a chef; I would kill for his homemade linguini alfredo,” Jack finished before starting up a new line of questioning. “What does our party need to be successful? We have an excellent tank in you and I can provide scouting, some burst damage in the form of sneak attacks, and limited healing. What is our advice for Geoe and Topher?”

  Gooch remained silent for a long moment, long enough that Jack needed to look to see if the big man was still awake, before he answered, “Geoe nearly always plays magic users of some type, and I think that’s fine. We could use some more ranged damage, which he could provide. I am not as sure about Topher. The group could use a more dedicated healer or another melee fighter and damage dealer. But if he decided on ranger or magic user, I think we could make that work too. Sorry, not extremely helpful. Will continue to think on it,” Gooch said, rolling over on his side, signaling the end to the conversation as well as the end of the day.

  Chapter 47

  Jack woke up early the next morning. The sun was just peeking above the horizon, and Gooch lightly snored near the remains of their campfire. He wanted to surprise Gooch by finding breakfast, either more berries or maybe a rabbit. He stood up, still in his leather armor, which he’d slept in mostly to help keep
off the cold. It was either that or snuggle up to the big man, and he wasn’t quite ready for that.

  Using his stealth skill, he began to shadow the river away from their small camp, looking for any signs of game. He detected a small game trail and began following it, heading away from the river. A few minutes later, he smelled the faint wisps of smoke coming from farther up ahead. On guard now, he walked toward the smell, moving from tree to tree, trying to camouflage himself. He moved another forty feet before he heard a soft belch come from his right, in a slightly different direction from the smoke. He stopped his movement, looking toward the area of the sound, and spotted a bored looking . . . lizardman? It was a five-foot version of Godzilla, its body covered in reddish-brown scales, and it had burnt orange eyes that were fighting to stay awake as it leaned against a tree. Its powerful legs ended in scaled feet with long, four-inch claws instead of toes, and it had a heavy tail that nearly touched the ground. The creature wore a light blue tabard with a large black raven embroidered on the front.

  Jack blinked twice, his mind in a state of shock. Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool. So, Jack had just found the Ravanan Empire. His mind reeled. Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool.

  After a moment, he gathered his wits and decided to scout a bit more before returning to warn Gooch. Creeping farther up the game trail and closer to the smoke, he heard a cold, emotionless voice from a small clearing. It took a moment before Jack, now near the outer edge of the clearing, began to understand the strange tongue.

  “For the last time, Ji-Myot, we are no more than a day from the portal. I agree that it is probably nothing, but do you want to tell Dan-Jae that you were tired of sleeping on the ground and eating dried meat, so you turned back because you thought the mission he sent you on was a waste of your time?”