by E. C. Land
“It’s your funeral.”
“He’ll get over it once he sees reason.”
“If that were my sister laying there in a hospital bed, I’d want to be told right a-fuckin’-way.”
“Coyote’s had enough shit to deal with lately and he doesn’t need to come down here when he’s got his kid and ol’ lady to take care of.”
“Doesn’t matter, brother, I’d still carry my ass down here to lay eyes on my sister regardless.”
The conversation around me filters through the haze pulling me out of the nightmares chasing me. What’s going on? Last thing I remember . . .
Oh God.
Thrashing my head side to side, I try to erase the memory away. The men raping me. All of them, but the one who enjoyed it the most was the least expected, Dicky. He’d been the one who destroyed me completely. The way he told me no one would be able to help me, that I was ruined for anyone else.
It was my lesson to be learned, as well as my brother’s and everyone in his club, especially the members from Twister’s club. This was an act of regaining themselves as the Dragons Fire MC.
“Shit.” One of the voices that had been talking mutters. “Shh, Cara, it’s okay. You’re safe. We got you.” I know that voice. Dreamt it many times, only to shake it away.
Nerd.
Please kill me now.
I never wanted him to see me like this.
The man I’ve been in love with since nearly forever and now I’m ruined completely.
Forcing my eyes open, I tilt my head to meet his gaze. Tears well in my eyes as I take in the pity in his.
“Hey,” he murmurs.
“Please leave,” I say, my throat scratchy and hurting from being raw.
Nerd tenses, his shoulders going taut. “What?”
My heart sinks in my chest as the pity I’d seen flickers to hurt. I know he’s only here because of my brother. Not me.
I heard him. He said it all only a minute ago.
Diverting my gaze from Nerd, I fiddle with the sheet at my waist.
“You need to leave. All of you,” I whisper.
“Baby,” Nerd breathes.
Shaking my head, I close my eyes. “Leave,” I state again. “Just leave, I don’t want you here. None of you. Go.”
By the time I say the last word I’m screaming. My throat tightens as tears spill down my cheeks, as I open my eyes again and lift my head I find Nerd staring at me, this time anger filling his gaze.
“Brother, let’s give her some time.” This comes from Tracker who I’d seen behind Nerd but didn’t pay attention to.
Without a word, Nerd turns on his heel, storms out of my room. The rest of the men in the room do the same, only Rage stays for a brief second to stare at me. A look of sorrow on his face. I don’t know why but it’s as if he understands me and my need right now. Giving me a chin lift, he leaves the room.
Once the door closes behind Rage, I let the first sobs escape as I turn my head away from the door. Why did this have to happen to me? They targeted me for reasons I don’t understand. I don’t have to get their reasons to know I’ll never be able to have the man I want. Sure, back at school I’d been seeing Josh. It was casual but he knew I wasn’t looking for anything real. Not when I intended to come home after school, and he was going to go his way. But regardless, we’d become good friends.
God, what have I done to deserve the hell I’m in?
Closing my eyes, I roll to my side facing away from the door. Pulling my knees up into a fetal position, I wince as pain radiates through my body at the movement.
Agony consumes my body as I cry for everything those monsters took from me.
“Babe, you really need to talk to someone,” Rage mutters as he stands at the foot of the bed in my room. A room in his and Cleo’s house. After being discharged, I refused to go home. I’m sullied and my brother doesn’t need me around him or his family.
I’d told Cleo this when she’d come into my hospital room later after I’d woken up. Evidently, Rage called her in, and she brought another woman named Ally with her. They didn’t say anything at first but nearly climbed into the already small bed wrapping me in their warmth as I continued to cry.
After a while, Cleo told me her story and how she’d nearly killed herself because of what happened to her. If it wasn’t for Stoney walking in on her when he did, she’d be gone right now and not married with a baby at home.
As Cleo finished, Ally told me hers. Both heartbreaking and horrific. I swear it makes what happened to me seem like nothing. I actually voiced this and Ally made a point to explain to me no matter how little was done or not it’s not okay and it’s not a contest on who was hurt worse.
Knowing she’s right I nodded my head and sat quietly still with them surrounding me. Sometime later, after falling asleep they’d left, and I barely remember or in all honesty it could have been a dream of Nerd leaning over me to press a kiss against my temple. “I know you’re hurtin’ right now, baby, but you’ll always be my girl. Whether you choose to believe me or not. I’m here and will be when you’re ready.”
Those words have rung through my mind repeatedly over the past week as I left the hospital and moved into the guest room in Rage and Cleo’s home.
“Rage, I’m not ready,” I murmur, pulling my legs up to my chest as I sit against the headboard. I barely left the room except when Rosaline coaxed me into playing with her. No way I could deny the beautiful girl anything.
Being that Cleo’s been sick with morning sickness, it’s the least I can do to help her. The only time I don’t is when Rage is home. He then makes sure everything is taken care of. I love the way he adores his wife and daughter. I hate feeling like I’m stepping on toes, so I stay in my room to give them all space. I also do this to block out the world. I haven’t spoken with anyone, not even Ember when she called. Coyote calls constantly but I’ve yet to take his calls either. I have at least texted him.
“Cara, you’re gonna have to. You can’t live your life stuck in this house. Considering you won’t talk to your brother, who is going out of his mind worrying about you,” Rage states.
“Please, Rage, I can’t face him. Or any of them,” I say, closing my eyes to keep the tears at bay. Not a good idea when you already are fighting the demons away. In the dark it’s far worse; however, if I close my eyes for the tiniest second, Dicky’s face pops into my head. And each time I see his face terror shoots through my entire being.
“Know this is hard on you, Cara. Cleo went through the same thing, either find someone to talk to about this or I’m finding someone for you,” Rage declares as my eyes pop open and stare at him in horror.
“Rage.” He holds a hand up to stop me from protesting.
“Went through this shit with Cleo, Cara. Said that. What you need to know is, I walked away from her when I shouldn’t have. If I hadn’t, she wouldn’t have gone months without me at her side. Now you have a shit ton of people wanting to take you back. One man in particular, besides Coyote. You didn’t see him but I did. He’s pissed and looking for blood. If you don’t get the help you need soon, he’ll begin doing something you would probably choose to have done differently,” Rage says, getting right to the punch of it all.
With his statement made, Rage leaves closing my door behind me. Alone with my thoughts, I let his words weigh on my mind. Sifting through his and Nerd’s words, I make a decision I may or may not regret.
Pulling my phone out, I pull up a number set in my phone. I take a deep breath as I type out my message.
Me: Hey Nick.
Here goes nothing.
Choosing him to talk to is better than no one. I just hope it’s the right choice
Chapter Four
Nerd
Babygirl: Hey Nick.
Staring at my phone, I read the words over and over as if they were merely an image of my imagination.
When Cara screamed, demanding I leave, I knew the reasons behind them, and I was giving this play to her even though I didn�
��t want to. My girl has been beaten down and feels the pain both mentally and physically. She’s not in a place right now to let me help her the way I want or need to.
Rage had pulled my brothers and myself aside in the hallway outside her room and told us to head home and give him two-weeks, tops. I wanted to protest and argue that that wasn’t going to happen until he’d explained his reasons. Let Cleo and the women from their club help her for now. Cleo and Ally would be able to help her start to heal the quickest rather than us taking her home where she’ll be suffocated by everyone around.
As much as I hated to admit he was right, I did. But before leaving the hospital, I made sure to tell Cara, even in her sleep, she would always be my girl.
Coyote had been far beyond being pissed when we got to the clubhouse without his sister. My brothers and I pulled him into the room we hold church to explain why she didn’t come with us.
This didn’t go over well either.
We’d ended up calling Tinsley in to calm Coyote down as we finished explaining the rest of it to him. Not having siblings, I don’t know what it’s like when it comes to feelings of failure in protecting a sister. However, I can distinguish the difference in those close to you that are considered family and the ones you share the bond of growing up with. And Coyote had helped raise his little sister. When their dad was killed for being in the wrong place at the wrong time, he’d taken on the role of being the man of the house. Coyote nor Cara ever talk about their parents. Not really. After Coyote had to put his mom in a special home that could assist her with her mobility issues, she’d told him to never come back. Told him that he nor Cara needed to see her the way she was. That she wasn’t able to be there for them as a mother should.
I remember Cara crying into her brother’s chest on her eighteenth birthday and wanting to call their mom. Coyote had to explain to her once again this was something they couldn’t do. The nurses who work at the specialty home have it noted she doesn’t want any visitors and until she changes her mind, they won’t allow it.
The fact Cara’s mom refuses to have visitors sucks. Because Cara could probably use her right about now. Then again, Momma B took off this afternoon, tellin’ Bear she was heading to see her babies and we all know she means more than just her son and grandkids. She was going to Cara.
Now Cara has opened the line to me.
Sighing, I shake my head as I type out my response.
Me: Hey babygirl. You okay?
Hitting send I put my phone down and turn back to my computer while I wait for her to respond back to me. I have work to do. One being find the fuckers who took her in the first place. It’s as if they’d vanished into thin air overnight. But I’ll find the trail to them, even if I have to pull in Gadget, Cy, and Keys. We’ll find them and when we do, they’re dead, every last one of them.
Clocking the time when the device beeps, I notice it took about ten minutes for Cara to message me back.
Hesitation.
Opening the phone, I pull up her message.
Babygirl: Define okay?
Fuck.
Me: There’s all forms of okay, Cara. One, you’re alive and breathing. Two, you’re okay physically but not mentally. Three, vice versa mentally okay but not physically. Four, none of the above but better today than you were the day before.
Sending the message, I wait for her to answer.
This time it comes in faster.
Babygirl: None of the above. I’m breathing but I’m not alive. Not anymore. I’m neither physically nor mentally okay. And nothing is better than the day before. I’m dead on the inside.
Motherfucker! Her words have a way of gutting me with the depths of pain coming from them.
Me: Oh, babygirl, you’re not dead on the inside. It’s just the wound is too fresh to know up from down, left and right. You’ll get there. When you do, I’ll be here for you. So, will everyone else.
This started our conversation as she started to open up to me.
Babygirl: I don’t know why you would want to be there for me. I’ll never be me again. I can’t go back to the way I used to be. Not after . . . you know.
Me: Yeah, I know what you mean, Cara. But you don’t have to go back to the way you used to be. What you do is find a way to heal and grow into a new you. As for why I would want to be there for you, I’d do anything for you, babygirl. Always. When you’re ready, I’ll be here to catch you or to anchor ahold of in the dark of night. Promise you this. No one will ever touch you again. You’re mine and I’m giving you the time you need right now; however, you want to text or call me I’m here.
Laying it out there for Cara, I hope she gets where I’m coming from with what I just sent her.
Cara doesn’t respond right away to my last text and I begin to think she’s not going to message me back.
Glancing to the corner of the screen, I take in the time. Nearly 8 p.m. Momma B should be at Rage’s right about now. And I honestly need to get out of here for a bit. Only I don’t want to go to Dolly’s Playhouse, I lost interest in seeing that shit a long time ago. I would rather use my hand than let one of those women touch me.
Besides the only woman I want touching me is Cara, even if it is a year from now. I’m gonna do right by her by showing her I don’t want anyone but her.
Chapter Five
Cara
Two months later
“Are you sure you don’t want to come home yet?” my brother asks after I decline coming home once again.
Since the day Rage said his piece and I texted Nerd, I started going to this victim’s support group Ally and Cleo told me about. I didn’t want to go to an actual counselor. I felt they wouldn’t be able to understand where I was coming from. Being around others who have experienced similar yet different scenarios I felt connected.
One person to help me break through after the texting with Nerd was Momma B. Evidently, she didn’t like the fact I wasn’t at home where she could set eyes on me. So, she used coming down here to visit her granddaughter as her excuse to get to me.
The moment Momma B stepped in the house, she made a point to pull me into her arms and hold me the way my mom used to. Fresh tears had welled in my eyes at this touch. That night she’d stayed with me, holding me the same way Cleo and Ally did. When morning came, Momma B dragged me out of my room, put me in the shower, and made me face the day. During the afternoon she’d taken me to my first meeting with the support group.
I’ve gone to every one of them since. I also started texting my brother and finally taking his calls. I know I hurt him by shutting him out but at the time it’s what I needed to do and now he’s been asking me to come home.
At first, I thought I could go back to Stonewall University, be there with Ember, only sweat started to bead along my forehead at the thought. Granted I’ve talked to Ember, Dex, and Josh, but I decided I didn’t want to go back there. I made this decision before I knew my brother had already packed up my belongings and brought them home. I’m sure I should be upset but I’m not, I can get my psych degree closer to home. Well when I was ready to take a leap at it.
With my twentieth birthday coming up I want to be with my family, but I’m scared.
Through texts I talked more with Nerd.
Found out his favorite color was green. Movie anything with Iron Man in it. Music, pretty much everything Rock. But his favorite band was Pantera. I also now knew he could be super corny making me love him more than ever before.
And this is why I’m scared, because I know if I go home, he’ll take one look at me and turn away. I mean if I can feel the dirt and grime covering my skin, I’m sure he’ll be able to see it.
“Cara, kiddo, you still with me,” Coyote asks, drawing me from my thoughts.
Clearing my throat, I answer my brother, “Yeah, I’m sure. I’m not ready yet. I will soon though. I promise.”
Sighing, I can almost picture Coyote shaking his head with his head bent. I love my brother, no matter how much he and I butt heads.
He’s the only person I have left in this world that loves me as much as I love him. “Okay, but don’t wait too long. I want you home where you belong. I also want you to meet your nephew that’s already here and the baby Tinsley’s carrying.”
Tinsley, I knew from our conversations via text was sweet. I’ve come to really like her. She isn’t like most women I’ve known to be around the club. Then again, I don’t know many since I was only around the club for events.
“I got it, Coyote. I’ll come home soon,” I murmur to appease him.
“Alright, we’re heading out this evening for a surprise party the ol’ ladies are hosting at some club.” Sounds fun.
Not really. I don’t want to even think about going to some club. It’s where they found me, drugged me and finally got a hold of me after following Josh and I back to the dorms. Yeah, nope, I’m good on never setting foot in another club again.
The two of us talk for a few more minutes before we hang up.
Laying back on my bed, I stare up at the ceiling as I think about everything roaming around in my head. During group, we talked about what’s on our minds and for example, today I’d talked about how I still felt the dirt coating my skin.
A woman named Mackenzie who’d joined the group a week ago, told us some of her story and I felt guilty that the dirt I wore was nothing compared to hers. Ashamed by these feelings, I avoided texting Nerd back since getting home.
At the ping of my phone, I lift it up off the bed and unlock the screen to read Nerds text.
Nerd: Babygirl, how did it go today?
The way he calls me babygirl sends tingles throughout my body. Tingles I shouldn’t be feeling for anyone. But it was Nerd, and no one was like him. He held my heart and didn’t even know it.
Nerd: Why aren’t you responding, Cara?
I groan inwardly at reading Nerd’s message. It’s been hours and nearly midnight. I still haven’t responded to his message.
