by Ruby Scott
running a hand through her hair as soon as she sat down. Terri looked over
at her, “About time you got back in the truck.” As soon as she realized that
something seemed off with her partner, she sighed again. “Alright. What’s
up?”
Cara sighed again, turning her head to look out the window. “It’s
nothing. Don’t worry about it. Let’s just call dispatch and get a new call.”
Terri didn’t put the ambulance in drive. She turned her whole body to
her partner. “Sure. It’s nothing, but I haven’t seen you like this since your
breakup with Ali. Something’s clearly going on.”
Cara visibly winced when Ali was brought up. The two had broken
up six months ago, but the wound was still fresh. Ali was a constant hot
mess and had been since before they had started going out. But Cara had
loved her with her whole heart, even if that meant carrying her out of clubs
because she was fighting. If she wasn’t fighting someone else, then she was
fighting with Cara. It never took much. Sometimes it was just because she
was fifteen minutes late in arriving home, because that obviously meant she
was cheating.
Cara finally had enough and called it off. She had blocked Ali’s
number, but Ali wasn’t ready to call it quits. It was exhausting. “Fine.” She
finally sighed to Terri. “So, I hooked up with a girl last night.”
“I figured given how dead on your feet today you are today. So
give… who is she?”
“Turns out she is the new cardio resident and Jack’s buddy from med
school.” She said, nodding her head towards the hospital.
“And you didn’t know?”
“Not until about five minutes ago, no. It was awkward. I didn’t
expect to run into her again, you know. We kind of just parted ways this
morning, and that was that. I didn’t know I’d see her almost every day.”
Terri shrugged. “Well, I’m not ferrying patients across to Mercy so
you can avoid your latest hit and run. Anyway, maybe it’s a sign.”
“A sign?”
“Yeah. Maybe she’s meant to be more than a hookup.”
Cara shook her head. “Nope, no. We’re not going there. Ali was
never supposed to be more than a one-night thing and look what happened
there. I’m not going down that road again. I’m just not ready for another
relationship. Ali messed with my head; you know that.”
“I know. I’m just saying she is a resident, so she has to be more stable
than Ali ever was. Maybe it could be a good thing.” Terri shrugged.
“I guess we’ll never know because I’m not taking that chance.”
It was really beginning to feel like every call was going straight to City
General. Granted, it was the largest hospital in the area and was a certified
trauma center, but Cara was constantly on the lookout for another run in
with Izzy.
She and Terri had just dropped off another patient when Cara decided
to hit the EMT break room. It was located just outside of the ER. It was
small with a brown leather sofa and a fridge that was stocked with food and
small snacks that could be grabbed quickly and eaten on the move.
Cara made it through the ER without an issue, but as soon as she
scanned her badge to get through the next door, she was face-to-face with
the one person she had tried so desperately to avoid. Izzy gasped, jumping
backwards to avoid the two crashing into one another. She couldn’t very
well make out like she hadn’t seen her, so she went with it.
“Oh. Hey.” The awkwardness was so thick it could be cut with a knife.
Izzy managed a smile. “Hey. Good to see you.” They both clearly
didn’t know what to say. It was a situation that neither of them really knew
how to navigate, but they were trying.
“Yeah, same.”
Cara made a decision then, standing in front of Izzy, to own the
whole thing. Why did it have to be awkward? They had both had a good
time; it wasn’t something to be weird about. “Look, I’m sorry if I was weird
the other day. I just wasn’t expecting to see you again.” She gave a small
shrug and then thought about what she had said. “Not that I’m
complaining.”
Izzy smiled then, a genuine one like the one she smiled when they
were together. “Yeah, no. I get it. I wasn’t expecting to see you again either.
Not complaining either.”
Cara felt relieved and looking at Izzy it was obvious the feeling was
mutual.
“Well, good. Seems like we’ll be seeing a lot of each other.”
Cara ran a hand through her hair. “I should probably get going. I was
just heading to the break room for a snack, but I’ll see you around, right?”
“Of course.” Izzy said, giving Cara one more smile before heading
back up the corridor. Cara couldn’t stop herself from turning for just
another quick glance at the cute resident in scrubs.
As she did, Izzy also turned and with a wink sh said, “I love a woman in
uniform.”
As much as Cara didn’t want to admit it she loved the fact Izzy had
turned and flirted. She couldn’t wipe the smile off her face for the rest of
the day.
They seemed to be bumping into each other more and more
frequently and each time it was a little more familiar with the light tactile
touches and small brushes as they passed each other. Both were oblivious to
the fact everyone else had also seen growing flirtatiousness between them.
FOUR
It was a Tuesday when Cara had just signed over care to the charge nurse.
She saw Izzy walk past, disappearing down a hallway that Cara knew led to
the cardio wing of the hospital. She didn’t know what took over her, but she
needed to see Izzy.
She thanked the nurse one more time before practically jogging
through the emergency room and walking the same path that Izzy had just
taken. She saw her further down the hall when she walked past the door and
called out to her, “Izzy!”
The resident whipped around, a smile appearing on her face when she
saw who called her name. “Hey!” She said, stopping in the hallway.
Cara finished jogging to catch up with her. When she stood in front of
her, she realized she had no reason to call out to her and stop her. She had
just wanted to see her. Her brown eyes took in Izzy’s features when she
noticed something slightly different. She reached out, taking one of Izzy’s
wavy strands of dark brown hair in her hand. “You got a haircut.” She said,
twirling the strand of hair around her finger. “It looks good on you.” Cara
didn’t know what she was doing, but she felt like she was unable to stop
herself. There was just something about Izzy that drew her in. The
attraction that was between the two of them the first night was certainly still
there.
“Yeah.” Izzy said, her cheeks flushed. Cara was beginning to love
that rosy flush that spread on her cheeks whenever she was slightly
embarrassed. “I’m glad you like it. It wasn’t much, just my ends.”
“It’s still noticeable.” At least to Cara it was. That made her wonder
just how much attention she was giving Izzy that she notic
ed a small change
in her hair. It was a little embarrassing that she paid that much attention to
her, but Cara didn’t know how to stop doing something that she didn’t
realize she was doing.
“Well, thank you,” Izzy said, looking up at Cara. “I should, uh,
probably get going. I have to give a report on a patient. My attending today
is a dick. He doesn’t appreciate tardiness.”
“Right.” Cara nodded. “I should probably get going too. Terri’s
getting a little annoyed with me for always coming back to the truck late.
I’ll see you around.” She smiled.
“Yeah. I’ll see you.” Izzy smiled back before turning and finishing
her trek down the hallway.
All Cara could do was stand and watch her leave, wishing she had
had more to say.
Their next run-in was completely by chance. Cara didn’t go seeking Izzy
out, and from the way the other reacted, she was fairly certain neither did
she. Cara was heading back from a patient’s room. It was a basic patient
transfer between hospitals, so it had been an easy call. Izzy was heading the
opposite way. If Cara hadn’t looked up from her phone when she did, they
probably would have missed each other. “Hey, Izzy,”
Izzy looked up and smiled. “We have got to stop running into each
other like this.”
“Do we though?” Cara laughed. “Because I’m not complaining about
bumping into you. It kinda brightens my day.”
“Well, I guess not. It’s good to see you.”
Izzy’s smile that spread from ear to ear made Cara feel bold; bolder
than she had been being during their workplace run-ins. Lowering voice,
she said; “The only thing I’m complaining about is how many clothes
you’re wearing every time we see each other lately. You look good, but you
look even better unscrubbed.” As expected, Izzy’s cheeks were pink, and
Cara felt excitement bubble in the pit of her stomach.
“I, uh…” Izzy didn’t know what to say. She stood there, racking her
mind, trying to think of what to say back. She was usually so confident, but
she’d never played a game like the one she was playing with Cara before.
There was no clear definition of what was going on between them, just a
clear definition of what wasn’t happening. “I should… I should go. I’ll see
you around?”
“Always,” Cara replied with a smirk. She turned and watched Izzy
walking in the opposite direction, unable to help herself. She didn’t know
what game she was playing here, but she was definitely loving it.
Izzy, on the other hand, was beyond confused. Usually, her
entanglements consisted of one-night stands or two-week relationships that
ended because she was too committed to her studies. She didn’t know what
to think of what was going on with Cara.
On the one hand, Izzy didn’t want anything serious. She didn’t expect
anything to come from it, nor did she want that. She wasn’t ready. On the
other hand, what did Cara want? Were they friends? Two random people,
who slept together and were now forced together by work? How did Izzy
get the answers to these questions without being awkward and asking?
She didn’t get a chance to dwell on what was or wasn’t happening.
Sara Thomas rounded the corner. Sara was a woman in her mid-forties with
honey blonde hair that was usually up in a bun, impressively unwrinkled
skin (the residents had a feeling it was all Botox) and round silver glasses.
She was the Chief of Surgery at City General. She took a great deal of pride
in her hospital and the program she ran, but she had a fearsome reputation,
especially amongst residents.
“Frost,” Sara’s voice was naturally loud. Izzy had a feeling she had
never had to be quiet in her life. “You’re scrubbing in on the next surgery
with me. We’re replacing a mitral valve. Understand?”
Izzy gave a slow nod. She wasn’t given a choice because Sara didn’t
give people choices. All she knew was how to dish out orders and demands.
Izzy had watched a valve replacement before but had never performed one
herself. She felt nervous but excited all at the same time. This was the
experience she was here for.
“Yes, ma’am.”
“Alright. Come with me to OR 3 and scrub in.”
“Wait.” Izzy blinked at Sara. “We’re doing it now?”
“No Frost, we’re doing it tomorrow.” Sara rolled her eyes and shook
her head. “Yes, we’re doing it now. Come on.”
***
Izzy learned a hard lesson that day. She learned that studying
something, memorizing every step, doesn’t compare to actually doing it.
She felt like Sara put her on the spot too. Izzy didn’t know exactly what she
was doing.
Sara had led the surgery, making most of the major cuts and putting
the heart on bypass. All Izzy had to do was remove the diseased mitral
valve and replace it with the artificial one.
From there, it all became a blur. She couldn’t remember what
happened. Did her scalpel slip? Did she try too hard to force the valve into
place? Next thing she knew, the patient was bleeding. She tried to stop the
bleeding, did every technique that she knew, but nothing stopped it. She
panicked, that’s when Sara stepped in, but try as Sara might she couldn’t
stop the bleed either. It was too late.
The patient had died on the table, and Sara had ordered Izzy to make
the call. She stood looking down at her blood-soaked hands. Running it
between the tips of her gloves, asking herself the same question over and
over again. What had she done?
Sara was angry and unable to hold back. Ordering Izzy to close the
body, she pushed her aside. It wasn’t until Izzy appeared and removed her
gown did she confront her.
“You’re going to go tell his family. You’ll tell them there were
complications and there was nothing we could do. Only you and I will ever
know that in the hands of a better resident he might have stood a chance.”
Izzy was doing her best to hold back her tears. She bit her bottom lip
and nodded her head slowly. She couldn’t find the words. All she wanted to
know was; what had she done wrong? What could she do to avoid it ever
happening again. She wanted to know what she could do better next time to
avoid the same outcome. But she didn’t get the chance as Sara crashed out
of the room, leaving her standing alone.
FIVE
All she wanted to do was breakdown, but she couldn’t. This wasn’t her
trauma. This sadness didn’t belong to her. It belonged to the family of the
man who died on her table. She needed to be as emotionless as possible.
She stepped into the waiting room, and instantly, a family stood up. A
woman who she assumed was the man’s wife and his two adult children, a
boy and a girl. “Is Thomas okay?” The woman asked immediately.
When Izzy didn’t respond right off the bat, she held back the tears
and delivered the news. “I am sorry, we did all we could for Thomas, but
despite our best efforts there were complications beyond our control and I
am afraid he didn’t make it through
surgery. He began to bleed, and we
discovered that he has a heparin resistance and…”
The patient’s widow let out a wail.
“We tried our best, but he didn’t pull through. I’m sorry.” Izzy’s words
were drowned by the audible anguish of his family. All Izzy could do was
watch as the woman sat back down in the chair, her sobs becoming louder
and more violent. Each one shook her entire body. Her daughter started to
cry next, taking a seat next to her mother and wrapping an arm around her
shoulder. The son maintained a straight face, wrapping his arms around
both his mother and sister.
Izzy’s saving grace was the same person who dished out her sentence.
Sara stormed through the door that separated the waiting room from the rest
of the hospital. “Mrs Walsh? I’m Dr Thomas, Chief of Surgery. I can talk
you through everything that happened.”
“Can we go see Thomas one last time?” The woman asked.
Sara nodded. “Of course. He’s being cleaned up now; we’ll go see
him together.” They stood, following Sara out the door.
Izzy was left in the waiting room, her hands shaking. What had she
done wrong? Why had she cost Thomas his life? She wasn’t going to be
able to hold it together.
She knew when she decided to be a surgeon that not every patient
would live. She would be operating on people who were barely holding
onto their life. That very fact was talked about again and again in med
school. But nobody ever told her what happened when someone did die on
your table. Nobody told her how empty she would feel, how broken and
worthless. Nobody talked about how she would rethink every choice she
had made in her life.
She needed a minute. Without telling anybody where she was going,
Izzy decided to step outside. She walked through the doors of the hospital
and was greeted by the setting sun and rain. It was ironically fitting. It was a
different setting than when she stepped into the OR earlier. It had been mid-
afternoon; the sky had been sunny and bright.
Izzy walked away from the hospital entrance, around to the side of
the building, so hopefully nobody would see her cry. The rain splashed
down on her, soaking her hair, and making it stick to her scalp and the back
of her neck. It quickly started to soak through her white coat, to the light
