by Sarah White
I tell myself this is for the best; ending this won’t break Jackson’s heart because he never really loved me. I hate that Ben was right. Feeling used and stupid, I crawl under the covers and go to sleep.
Chapter Fifteen
Abby has been trying to get me out of my room for days, holding me as I cry and begging unsuccessfully for me to tell her what happened. Kyle has come in and sat with us a few times, perched precariously on the edge of the bed as if a bomb would detonate if he made himself comfortable.
Today is different. I crawl out of bed and into the shower. Greg is coming home and is expecting me to pick him up at the airport at seven thirty this evening. I want to imagine him walking through the airport and into my arms, but I know his homecoming will not end this ache.
Jackson comes home sometime today, too. He’s tried to call but I don’t want to hear his voice. It’s too painful and I’m afraid he’ll just lie to me more. His many text messages would be heartbreaking if I thought they were true. His last one plays over and over in my mind as I get ready.
Jackson: I won’t give up, rookie. I love you. Stop running.
I pack a small bag and throw it in my trunk before heading to the airport. I’ve decided to stay with Greg for a while so Jackson can’t find me. I need time away to get my head on straight and let my heart stop hurting. A few days ago, the news that Greg was coming home several days early would have been devastating, but right now, I look forward to being with him again. He feels safe, and my broken heart needs that right now.
The airport is crowded and I make a few laps in the silence of my car, rethinking every moment that got me here. Ben and Greg were right. My time is up and it has cost me dearly. In a short time I have loved, lost, and learned that life is full of difficult choices and choosing the one that feels the best at the time isn’t always the one that will make me happy in the long run. Maybe that’s what being an adult is all about. I’ve spent the last few years fighting to grow up and now I wish I could stay a child.
Greg texts that he’s walking out of the airport, so I make my way to his terminal and pull in behind a large white van. I’m only half-aware of the group of men filing into the van, but as I watch the sliding glass doors, Jackson emerges and walks toward the van, as well. I’ve never seen him look so terrible, his eyes sunken in with such sadness it takes my breath away.
As if he can feel my presence, he turns his head in my direction and makes eye contact with me. Blood pounds in my ears as he starts to walk toward me. Before he can take three steps, Greg startles me as he opens the back door of my car and throws his bag on the seat. He opens the passenger door and climbs in, leaning over and giving me a kiss on the cheek.
Jackson stops dead in his tracks and watches me as I pull away from the curb. Just like that, the weeks we’ve spent together are gone and my life is right back where it was before I met him. Only now, instead of defiance and helplessness, I feel devastated and hopeless. I had a taste of what love could be and I know no amount of time is going to wash that down.
Greg is talking about all the work he’s done over the past few weeks and I can tell he is nervous. When he reaches over and takes my hand, I let him. With a smile, he squeezes it. “I’ve missed you, Madeline. I’m so happy to be back.”
“It’s good to have you home, Greg.” We don’t push it past that and ride in silence until we get to his condo.
Greg gets his bag out of the back seat and I open the trunk and take mine out, too. He looks puzzled, but reaches out to take it from me. We walk up the steps and into the lobby of his building. Greg pushes the button for his floor and we watch as the numbers above the elevator indicate that it’s getting closer.
“Um, are you… staying, Madeline?”
“If it would be okay with you, I would like to stay here for a few days.” I look into his eyes and try to convey my need for company and he nods and offers a tight smile.
“Of course. Let’s get settled and then we can talk.” We step into the elevator and ride in silence up to his floor. When we arrive and the doors open, Greg nods toward the hallway so I take the lead. He fishes around in his pocket for his keys as I wait by his door.
Inside, he puts our bags down and stands in front of me. When he opens his arms to invite me in for a hug, I dive into him. It feels so good to be held again and I can’t hold the tears back. Greg sways back and forth, rocking me as I cry into his chest. “These past couple of weeks have been something else, huh?”
I can’t even speak; the sobs have rendered my voice useless. Greg takes my hand and leads me into the living room, stopping to grab a box of tissues on the way. We sit on the sofa and I take a few deep breaths to chase away the last traces of crying.
“Caleb told me about how hard Ben came down on you. He should have minded his own business,” Greg says.
“Yeah, well, he was right. I’ll spare you the details, but I was reckless with my heart, despite all the warnings you and Ben gave me.” I try to clean my face up with the tissue Greg hands me.
“I’m so sorry, Madeline—”
“Greg, I love you but I’m not in love with you. I think I need to be honest with you and with myself. I thought it was as simple as saying yes to you and no to Jackson, but it’s so much more complicated. It’s over between Jackson and me, but my heart won’t let him go. I feel so guilty that I’m even having this conversation with you; I don’t deserve your friendship after what I’ve done.” I pull another tissue from the box and Greg catches my wrist. I look up to his face and see that something is wrong.
“What is it?” I ask, as my stomach sinks.
“I slept with Emily, Madeline. Don’t feel guilty for what you did; I’m not innocent, either. Don’t get me wrong—I was completely committed to you until this trip, but when I let you go, I found her. I can’t help but think that maybe it was the idea of you and me that I was so in love with.” Greg reaches out and wipes a tear that has run down to my chin as I process what he has told me.
“Emily, your assistant?” He nods and waits as that information sinks in.
I smile when I realize I’m more curious than angry or hurt. In this moment, I realize he will always be a friend in my heart. “Is it weird to say that I’ve always liked her?” I laugh softly and he smiles back at me.
“Yes, it’s weird, but I’m relieved to hear you say it. It doesn’t mean I don’t care about you, Madeline. I do. I just knew that you weren’t mine anymore, and it set me free.” He holds my hand in his for a moment, then I open my arms and give him a big hug.
“Thank you, Greg, for telling me. I hope we can still be friends. I don’t think I could make it through this if I were to lose you.” He nods yes and then kisses my forehead tenderly.
“Madeline, talk to him. If you love Jackson, then you need to make it work.”
“I can’t.”
Greg hugs me again and rubs my back. “I’m sorry, sweetheart. Look, we’re both exhausted. Why don’t you take my bed and I’ll sleep out here on the couch. We can talk more about it in the morning if you want.” I nod and make my way to the bathroom to change into something I can sleep in.
When I’m tucked into Greg’s bed, I close my eyes tight and try to think of anything I can that will keep my mind off of Jackson. I can’t listen to my heart anymore in matters of love because of where it has gotten me. I can hear Greg out in the living room as he settles himself on his couch. At least I haven’t lost his friendship in this mess I’ve created.
My phone vibrates in my bag and I get up and retrieve it.
Jackson: Rookie, please talk to me. If I have lost you to him, please at least let me know why.
Me: Jackson, just let it go.
Jackson: Not in this lifetime. It may not matter to you, or to the rest of this world, but it matters to me.
I wish it were true, but the pieces just don’t fit. I shut my phone off and pull the covers over my head. In the morning, I’ll tell my family I’m not going to marry Greg. I’ll change my p
hone number and pick up a few more items of clothing so I can stay away from the apartment. I’ll take my first steps into a life without Jackson and my heart will start to heal. I’ll be on my own and it’s time to grow up. All of this will happen in the morning, but tonight I am going to allow myself a few hours of peace as I drift off to sleep, remembering what it was like to be in Jackson’s arms.
Chapter Sixteen
The evidence of winter break descends upon the campus. The usually busy walkways are scattered with the few students who have chosen to hang around. I’ve just finished my last final and I’m on my way back to my apartment. It’s been thirty days since that night at Greg’s condo. I know this number because I feel every minute of those thirty days as if each one took an hour.
I’ve been spending a lot of time sleeping over at Caleb’s so I can avoid the apartment and any chance of running into Jackson. If I see him again, I might crumble. I feel like a thin layer of glue holds the pieces of me together and with one strong touch, I will crack and shatter again. I’ve worked too hard taking control of my life to let it slip away again.
I changed my number and threatened Abby and Kyle within an inch of their lives that it’s not to be given to anyone under any circumstances. I know this has put them in an awkward position but I see no other way around it. If I can just keep my distance until I forget what it feels like to be in Jackson’s arms, or the feeling of butterflies taking flight in my stomach at the sound of his voice, then maybe I can get over him.
Abby and Kyle have been understanding about my moping but Abby still begs me every once in a while to tell her what happened. I’m too humiliated to share my story, and Kyle and Jackson are good friends now; I don’t want to put Kyle in the middle any more than he already is.
My brothers have been more supportive of my breakup with Greg than I would have expected. They were curious about what happened with Jackson, but didn’t ask too many questions. Ben was the most vocal of all, and in his own way, he may have been trying to make me feel better.
“Thank God you got that guy out of your system, Madeline,” he said. “Typical jock—not the right guy for you at all. Only an immature boy would put football ahead of business. You need someone with commitment and drive. I don’t think I ever could have forgiven you if you’d gotten serious with Jackson Rider.”
Jackson said he would never give up, but that didn’t last very long. He left flowers and notes in our corner on the rooftop every day for the first two weeks, but then one day I climbed the trellis to find only a note. In it, Jackson said that he would walk away if it meant my happiness, because that’s what people do for the ones they love.
As I open the door to my apartment this afternoon, I immediately feel that something it different. Instead of the heavy mood that has blanketed the place as Abby and Kyle try to figure out their relationship, there is a buzz of excitement that’s almost intoxicating. Abby is bouncing up and down and comes racing toward me, wrapping me in her arms.
I shoot a curious look to Kyle over her shoulder, wondering what I have missed. Kyle shrugs and smiles the biggest smile I have ever seen from him. Abby pulls out of our hug and squeals as she flashes her left hand in front of my face. I have to grab her wrist to get her to stop waving it long enough for me to focus on the beautiful diamond that sits on her ring finger.
Once the connection is made, my hand flies over my mouth and I gape at her. “You’re getting married?” She nods enthusiastically and I throw my arms around her, joining her in her little bounce. My own troubles are forgotten for a moment as my heart soars with excitement for Abby and Kyle.
Abby finally finds her voice again and practically screams, “Get packed, Madeline! Our flight leaves in two hours!”
“Our flight?” I grab her arms to stop the bouncing so I can process what she has just said.
“Yes! Vegas, baby! We need you to be a witness.”
Abby and Kyle are getting married in Vegas. I’m going to be the witness. All these facts are slowly sinking in and I shake my head as I try to keep up.
Her face falls. “Madeline, you will do it, won’t you?”
“Of course! I wouldn’t miss it. I was just surprised. Let me throw some things together. I’ll be ready.” I make my way to my bedroom and shut the door behind me. I throw a few things into a bag and I text my family the news and receive a bunch of responses telling me to congratulate them. This is the answer for Abby and Kyle. If they’re married, her family will approve of her moving away with him.
I slide my mother’s jewelry box into my bag because it almost feels like there is a piece of her with me when it is around. The three of us climb into a cab and head for the airport. It’s a rush of bags and squeals and airport screeners. When we reach our gate, we collapse into the plastic chairs and watch as people scurry to their flights.
Abby reaches over and grabs my hand. “Tell me what happened with Jackson, Madeline. Let’s have this talk so we can leave all the heavy shit here.”
She’s right, so I nod and begin. “I was going to choose him.” I say the words aloud for the first time in what feels like forever. “But it turns out he isn’t who I thought he was. He was keeping something very important from me. Something that not only would affect me, but also my family, and possibly the thousands of people our families employ.” I let out a deep breath.
It sounds malevolent and it’s still hard to believe he kept something like that from me. I’d like to believe he just wasn’t thinking about it, but that would mean he pushed it aside for the entire time he knew me and that’s hard to believe.
“Are you sure?” Abby asks. “Maybe he had a reason for not telling you that is different than the one you’re thinking.”
“There were other things too. I was so wrapped up in him I was in denial about him still talking to his ex.” I can’t take the pain that is growing in my chest with her sympathy so I look away.
Abby starts to protest but I cut her off.
“Don’t bother, Abby.”
Abby cuts a look to Kyle, squeezes my hand, and then shakes her head no. “You were right to trust him Madeline. There’s nothing going on with his ex. He’s been torn up about losing you.”
I look to Kyle and he smiles and nods in agreement, but his smile quickly fades when his eyes focus on something behind me. “I guess it’s a good thing we have that sorted out.”
I return my gaze to Abby, who scrunches her face in a look that says she’s sorry. I turn around and my gaze immediately find Jackson’s as he makes his way across the airport.
Kyle’s next words cause my heart to hammer in my chest. “I’ve asked him to be our other witness.”
Jackson always looks unbelievable, but I can see for certain that these weeks have hit him hard. There’s no light in his eyes and he stares back at me without a smile. What were Abby and Kyle thinking?
As if she reads my mind, Abby leans in and whispers, “It’s time to fix this, Madeline. We thought this might give it a little push.”
Jackson shakes Kyle’s hand and then pulls him in for a man hug. Abby is next and she throws her arms around him, lifting her legs behind her as he spins her around and congratulates them. I stand up as Jackson puts Abby down and she grabs Kyle’s hand and leads him away, saying something about getting coffee for the flight. Jackson and I stand there for a moment in silence before he takes a step toward me and I feel pulled to him like a magnet.
He’s cautious at first as he wraps his arms under mine, and I throw my arms around him, cinching them tight enough to bury my face in his neck. His hands splay out across my back, pulling me so tightly against him I can feel his heartbeat. It feels wonderful to be back in his arms again and I hold on for dear life as he begins to rock me.
“Maddy, I have missed you so much,” he whispers in my ear, and then kisses just below it. “Please tell me what happened. I’m ruined, so fucking broken.”
I hold him tighter, soaking in his warmth. “You kept something from me. I laid everyth
ing on the table for you and you hid a huge part of who you are from me.” Jackson pulls away from me but holds my hands. He brings one hand up to his mouth and brushes a kiss across my knuckles.
“I wanted you to love me first, rookie.”
I nod. I can see the frustration in his eyes.
“Why couldn’t you have talked to me about it? If that’s all that was wrong we could have fixed things, but instead I’ve spent three weeks living in hell.”
“It’s not that simple, Jackson. It’s not just that. Once I learned about that secret it made me question things about you. I wondered about your motive. When I looked back on some of the things I’d seen over the weeks I started to believe that maybe you were talking to your ex.”
“I wasn’t,” Jackson says firmly.
“You want me to believe you, but when I look into your eyes, they’re the eyes of a man that kept a huge part of who he is from me. How could I ever trust you? You let me fall in love with you knowing the whole time you were holding a part of yourself back. My family might be pushy and overbearing, but they would never hide anything from me. Right now, even though my heart would choose you, my head is telling me I have to look at all the pieces.”
Jackson is silent as he takes in everything I have said. “You want to be loved for who you are, not for the life your family’s company provides for you. You and I want the same thing, rookie. The irony is if you had known who I was from the beginning, you would have never given me a chance. The last name and wealth that usually opens doors for me would have closed them in this case.” He reaches up and gently brushes my hair from my face. “I never lied to you. You never asked.” He drops his hand to his side and the weight of a ton of elephants sits on my chest with his words. “I don’t think you’re making the right choice. I love you. We’ve been over this before—I can’t promise you we would have been happy forever, but I know we would have had one hell of a ride.” He kisses my forehead and then picks up his bag and leaves me standing alone in the terminal.
