Steadfast Mercy

by Ruth Reid

  Stephen came around the corner of the kitchen, a cookie in each hand. “Can I geh out to the barn to see Mr. Jordan’s bird? I want to feed it.”

  Jonica’s eyes narrowed. “How do you know the bird is in the barn?”

  “Because Mr. Jordan is in the barn, and he’s protecting the bird in his coat pocket.”

  Jonica pointed to her son’s hand. “You can’t feed a boppli bird those.” She placed her hands on her hips. “And who gave you permission to get into the kichlin jar?”

  Stephen’s bottom lip protruded. “No one.”

  Jonica groaned. “I don’t want you going outside alone.”

  Caleb placed his hand on Stephen’s shoulder. “The kichlin could make the bird very sick, and you wouldn’t want that to happen, would you?”

  Stephen shook his head.

  “I didn’t think so.” Noticing the disappointment in the boy’s expression, Caleb turned to Jonica. “Would you like me to take Stephen out to see the bird?” He stopped short of mentioning how much time the boy spent indoors.

  Stephen’s face beamed with excitement. “Can he, please, Mamm, please?”

  “Mr. Jordan might not be around.”

  “He is,” Stephen insisted. “He’s in the barn.”

  Jonica frowned.

  “I’ll make sure he’s supervised.” Caleb would also make a point to talk to Stephen about minding his mother. Something told him the boy had been out to the barn by himself at least once today.

  “Are you sure you don’t have more important things to do?”

  Caleb glanced down at Stephen and smiled. Suddenly nothing was more important than spending time with Jonica and her son. “I’m sure.” He sensed her hesitation. “You can kumm with us.”

  “Danki. Maybe next time. I should go spend some time with Aenti Edna.” Jonica bundled Stephen up in his winter garments, then squatted to help him into his boots. She held his coat lapels and forced him to look at her. “You listen to everything Caleb tells you, and be careful around the bird.”

  “I will.”

  Caleb reached for Stephen’s gloved hand and opened the door. “Don’t worry, Mamm. I’ll keep a watchful eye on him.” He winked at Jonica but found himself instantly taken by the pink hue coloring her cheeks.

  “Geh,” she shooed. “You two are letting in all the kalt air.”

  The wind whipping at his ears sent a chill straight to Caleb’s core. The late afternoon sun cast long, spindly shadows of nearby tree branches over the snow.

  This was a good day to stay inside—with Jonica. He liked her smile and the rosy glow in her cheeks. She’d gone through so much losing her parents. She deserved happiness. Lord, please give her the desire of her heart.

  “I’ll race you.” Stephen sprinted ahead.

  Caleb caught up to the boy with a few long strides but dropped back as they neared the barn so Stephen could win.

  “I beat you,” Stephen said, panting hard.

  “Jah, you did.” Caleb opened the barn door and as Stephen went inside, Caleb glanced at the front windows in the house. He shot Jonica a quick wave, then disappeared inside the barn.

  “Mr. Jordan?” Stephen called as he ran through the barn.

  They checked the empty stalls, the feed storage area, and even climbed up the wooden ladder leading to the hayloft and searched the area. Neither Mr. Jordan nor his bird was anywhere around.

  “Sorry, buddy,” Caleb said. “Mr. Jordan isn’t here.”

  Stephen looked at the cookies he’d been holding, made a half shrug, then handed one to Caleb.

  Caleb took a bite. “Jah, I don’t think it’d be wise to feed this to the bird.” He sat on a mound of hay. “It tastes way too gut.”

  “Jah, way too gut.” After a few minutes of nibbling on his cookie, Stephen asked, “Is something wrong with me?”

  “Because you like too many kichlin?” Caleb shook his head. “Nothing wrong with that.”

  “Nay,” he said, his staid expression haunting. “Because Mamm cries all the time. That’s like what she did when Daadi was in the hospital.”

  Caleb swallowed the glob of cookie he’d been chewing as heaviness filled his chest. His plan to lecture the child about obeying his mother faded. It was more important to listen.

  “Mamm sits on the side of mei bed, and sometimes, I hear her praying when she thinks I’m asleep.” He looked point-blank at Caleb, and with an eerie candor far beyond his years asked, “Am I dying?”

  “You’re nett dying.” He swallowed hard, this time to push down stomach acid that had coated the back of his throat. “You know how God placed Mr. Jordan in charge of caring for the whippoorwill who wasn’t strong enough to fly south with his family?”

  “Jah.”

  “There’s a verse in the Bible that says, ‘Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?’”

  “But what does that mean?”

  “That you are very important to God. He’s watching over you.”

  “And Mamm?”

  The tremble in Stephen’s voice tugged at Caleb’s heart. He pulled the child into a hug. “God doesn’t want you worrying. He’s watching over your mamm too.”

  They finished their cookies, then spent some time exploring the barn. “I want to have a horse one day,” Stephen said. “A real horse, nett just a wooden one like Mr. Jordan gave me.”

  “You’ll have to learn how to take care of him. Horses need to be fed and watered, and their hooves cleaned and trimmed. They get into the brier bush and get burs tangled in their manes and tails. You’ll have to brush them every day.”

  “I’ll do all that.”

  “I’m sure when you get a horse, you’ll take gut care of him.” Caleb recalled how his father had taught him how to take care of his first horse. Goose bumps spread over his arms as he realized he wanted to do the same for Stephen. He wanted to be the one who taught him how to not only groom the horse but harness and drive a buggy. But that wouldn’t be possible. When Jonica and Stephen returned to Cedar Ridge, he might never see them again.

  Caleb stood and removed pieces of hay that had stuck to his pant legs. In the process of sweeping hay dust from his coat, the pamphlet about blood disorders he’d found in his buggy fell out of his pocket. He picked it up. “We should go back inside. I don’t want your mamm worrying.” It’d be horrible if Stephen caught a bug because they had stayed in the drafty barn too long.

  Stephen’s lip curled as though he was about to protest, then he stood without a fuss.

  Caleb closed up the barn. He started to tuck the pamphlet into his pocket, then decided to hold it for fear he’d forget to give it to Jonica. She would want to be prepared for tomorrow, although the information he’d read about might keep her awake.

  “Do you think I’ll be able to see the bird tomorrow?” Stephen asked.

  “We’ll have to see if Mr. Jordan is around.” Caleb didn’t want to disappoint Stephen, but he didn’t expect Mr. Jordan would hang around much longer, now that the weather had changed.

  They climbed the steps, and upon entering the house, Stephen called for his mother, who came bursting around the corner.

  “The bird is gone,” Stephen said, peeling off his coat.

  Jonica glanced at Caleb. “Did something happen to it?”

  He shrugged. “Mr. Jordan wasn’t anywhere to be found either.”

  “Maybe that’s a gut thing,” she muttered.

  Caleb nodded. Mr. Jordan seemed like a nice person, but they didn’t know anything about him. Only that he was an Englischer and a friend of Edna’s.

  Jonica hung Stephen’s winter clothes on the hook. “Geh in the bathroom and wash your hands.”

  “Mei hands aren’t dirty. See?” Stephen lifted his palms.

  “You’ve been out in the barn.” She pointed down the hallway. “Geh nau, and do as I said.” As Stephen padded down the hall, she turned back to Cale
b. “Would you like to stay for kaffi?”

  Caleb wanted to accept the offer, but he still needed to tend to his horses and talk with his daed about what time he wanted to get started in the morning. “I should geh. I have chores to do before it gets too late.” He reached for the doorknob, then turned back around. “I almost forgot. I have to help mei daed in the morning, but as soon as I’m done, I’ll take you and Stephen into town to see the doktah.”

  She shook her head. “I can’t disrupt your life any more than I already have.”

  “You’re nett.”

  “Caleb . . .”

  The way she ground out his name between her teeth made him cringe. “Jonica, I’ve come to care very much for Stephen. Don’t you think that I’m also very interested in finding out the results of his lab work?”

  She released a sharp exhale. “And what will people—Darleen—think if we’re seen together again?”

  “I told you, Darleen and I are no longer courting. And don’t worry what others might think. You shouldn’t be alone when you hear the news.”

  “You think it’s going to be bad news, don’t you?” She held his gaze a half second, then tilted her face toward the ceiling.

  Had his doubts been that apparent? “Gut or bad, I want to be there with you.”

  After a moment, her attention shifted back to him, but she looked away. Her brows narrowed when her gaze landed on his hand.

  “Oh, I found this in mei buggy.” He handed her the pamphlet. “It’s the one from the doktah’s office. You must have dropped it.”

  “Jah, I’ve been searching for this.”

  A few more seconds of silence passed between them. Caleb cleared his throat. “How much of it did you have the chance to read in the buggy?”

  “Nett much.”

  “Maybe it’d be better to wait until we have more information. He’s nett going to have all those diseases.” But all of them listed required lifelong treatments, many with no cure. Stephen’s question in the barn, “Am I dying?” replayed in Caleb’s mind.

  “I’m scared,” she whispered.

  He drew her into his arms as a means to comfort her and himself. “That’s why I don’t want you going to the doktah’s office alone.”

  They held each other a long moment, neither in a hurry to let go. Then Jonica pulled back all flustered, as if realizing for the first time she’d completely let her guard down.

  She looked around the room, nervously adjusting her prayer kapp. “You need to go home.”

  “Wait for me, okay? I promise I’ll try to hurry.” He held her gaze until she finally smiled.

  “Jah, I’ll wait for you.”

  Chapter 19

  The sun was beginning to set as Caleb left Jonica’s house Sunday evening. A mix of charged emotions flowed through his veins that he couldn’t sort out. From friendly concern to something way more devoted than he cared to admit.

  “Lord, I didn’t even know I could care so deeply. Am I just worried Stephen could have a disease that could take his life? I can’t be around Jonica without wanting to hold her. Please place a watch before mei tongue. Guide mei actions. I shouldn’t have taken her into mei arms. I should have been able to restrain myself. Yet I want her to know that she can lean on me. She can depend on me. Lord, I don’t know what tomorrow will bring . . . but I ask that You spare Stephen’s life. Whatever condition he has, please don’t take him from Jonica. Give her strength to get through this. Help me to be a better man. A man after Your heart.”

  Caleb continued to pray the entire way home and while he fed and watered the horses. When he entered the house, his mother met him at the back door.

  “Where have you been all afternoon?” Mamm crossed her arms. “Darleen said you left the fellowship meal early. Where did you go?”

  “I took food over to Edna Muller, whose niece and great-bruderskind are visiting. They weren’t able to make it to service.” He removed his coat, hat, and boots at the door.

  “That’s a bit odd. Why would they ask you to bring them food when it’d be a more fitting task for one of the womenfolk?”

  “They didn’t ask. Faith put together some containers of food and I volunteered.”

  “Hmm . . .”

  Caleb ignored his mother’s way of weighing her thoughts out loud. Usually it was her way of coaxing more information out of him.

  “Darleen moped through the meal setup and all during the cleanup. Her friends were all doting on her. I wondered if you were aware.”

  His mother was fishing. So obvious. What happened to respecting someone’s privacy? His privacy. Holding back information he suspected she already knew would only antagonize his mother. Besides, he didn’t have anything to hide.

  “Darleen and I have decided to stop courting.” He expected the corners of her mouth to twitch downward into a forced frown. This time she genuinely appeared saddened, maybe even a little stunned, by the news. “I thought that’s what you wanted. At least, you’ve never spoken favorably about Darleen in the past.”

  “Perhaps I was wrong.”

  Where did that sudden revelation come from? Caleb shook his head. “Nay, Mamm, I think you were right all along.” He wasn’t just trying to ease his mother’s guilty, meddling conscience. He believed the breakup was for the best, for both Darleen and him.

  Mamm huffed. “So, the scuttlebutt is true. You’ve been spending time with Jonica Muller—and her kind.”

  “His name is Stephen.” He left the room, checked the sitting room for his father, then returned to the kitchen. “Have you seen Daed? I need to find out what time he wants to get started loading cattle in the morning.”

  “Her kind was born out of wedlock. It’s easy enough to figure out; she and the bu have her family name. I don’t think she’s someone—”

  “Mamm, stop.”

  She crossed her arms. “You’re jeopardizing your gut name spending so much time over there. You are a baptized member of the church, and no one knows if she’s confessed her sins.”

  Caleb groaned. “Do you know where Daed is or nett?”

  She glowered several seconds, then finally spoke when he turned to leave the room. “He said something about taking hay out to the back pasture to feed the cattle before it got dark.” Mamm glanced out the window facing the barn, then turned back to him. “Maybe you should check on him. He’s been gone a long while.”

  A sense of impending doom cloaked Caleb. The same dismal sensation he’d felt when his mother sent him to find Peter.

  * * *

  Jonica fixed leftover meat loaf sandwiches for supper, but after taking the first bite, she decided she wasn’t hungry. Her stomach was queasy, her nerves rattled. Caleb had a way of turning her entire thought processes upside down. He’d comforted her before, but this time felt different. Maybe because she wasn’t sobbing uncontrollably, or perhaps it had something to do with knowing he was no longer courting Darleen. Before, he seemed merely interested in calming her down during a spurt of hysteria. This time she sensed he cared very deeply. For Stephen. He admitted he’d been worried about the test results too.

  “Neither of you are eating. Is something wrong with the food?” Aenti glanced at Jonica, then Stephen, then back to Jonica.

  “I’m nett hungahrich.” Her knotted stomach would revolt if she took another bite. She motioned to Stephen’s untouched sandwich. “Why aren’t you eating, sweetie?”

  He shrugged.

  Edna furrowed her brows. “Too many kichlin?”

  He shrugged again.

  It wouldn’t surprise Jonica if Stephen had a stomachache. No telling how many cookies he’d taken out of the jar. He’d left the house with two and came back with none after not finding Mr. Jordan. Plus, he’d already eaten at least one other. “Try to eat at least one more bite.” She turned to Aenti. “How is your knitting coming along?”

  “Finished four rows.” She beamed with pride.

  “That’s wunderbaar.” Jonica picked up her water glass and took a drink.


  “It was nice of Caleb to bring food over today,” Aenti said. “He must really like you.”

  Jonica choked on the mouthful of water and had to put the glass down to grab her napkin.

  “There’s nothing wrong with that,” Aenti continued despite Jonica’s glare. “He’d make a fine husband. Someone you should consider.”

  “Aenti, please.” She motioned with her eyes across the table at Stephen, playing with his food. “Little ears hear everything.”

  “Can I have a horse?” Stephen blurted. “A real horse. One that I can feed and water and brush out the burs every day. I’ll take gut care of him. Please.”

  “We’ll talk about getting you a horse when you’re a little older.” Jonica would much rather talk about horses than if Caleb would make a good husband or she a good wife. Things were not that simple.

  Jonica stood and took her plate and glass to the sink. “Unless you’re feeling too tired, I thought we could read a few passages from the Bible tonight.”

  “I would enjoy that.” Aenti rose from her seat. “I’ll get the Bible.”

  “If you don’t mind, I’d like to use mei mamm’s. I have it upstairs in mei room.”

  “Then Stephen and I will clean off the table while you run up and get it.” Aenti picked up her plate and glass, then directed Stephen to do the same.

  Jonica hurried up the steps and grabbed the Bible sitting on her nightstand. She’d always found a sense of comfort reading from her mother’s Bible. Not that the words were different; the High German Bibles were the same. But Jonica liked that her mother had underlined different verses throughout the pages. Verses that spoke to her heart on different occasions. Now those same underlined passages came alive to Jonica as well.

  With all of them seated around the table, Jonica opened to the book of Deuteronomy and began reading where she had left off the night before. She slowed down when she came to an underlined area. “‘It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.’” Jonica paused, allowing time for the words to soak in.

  “This was nice,” Aenti said. “I hope we can do it again tomorrow.”