Prairie Fire

by Djuna Shellam

  “I do, babe. I think you’re amazing.” Eve leaned over and kissed Em on her shoulder. “Hey, am I even going to be able to reach you in that Range Rover beast?”

  Em chuckled. “Probably not, but it’s a really safe car and sexy as all get out, isn’t it?” Em beamed.

  “It sure is,” Eve admitted. She still couldn’t wrap her mind around Em just writing a check for the vehicle, paying the full price. As long she’d been with Em, she still could not get over how insignificant money had become. Not that Em was a spendthrift, because she was anything but that; but when it came time to make a purchase of significance, Em didn’t bat an eye. She didn’t haggle over price, she didn’t make demands, she simply wrote a check. Eve loved that about Em, the fact that she didn’t use her incredible wealth as a weapon over people who weren’t as well off. “What model is it again? I keep forgetting.”

  “P38. Kensington Edition. Sexy. I love the green color, too.” As they entered Bel Air and turned onto the road to their estate, Em mused aloud, “Man, I kind of regret not driving it home.”

  “Why? We both thought it was a good idea to have it detailed and the little extras they offered to install before we got it, right?” Eve asked.

  “I know, it was the right thing to do. You don’t want them rushing anything—that’s when mistakes are made, but…”

  “But…”

  Slightly embarrassed, Em admitted, “I love new car smell. I don’t want someone else to use it all up on the way up to the house when they deliver it.”

  Eve laughed at Em. “You are so adorable. Of course they’re not going to use it up in one little trip. No, what you should be worried about is new baby smell.” Eve made a face. “Ewwwwww!”

  They both groaned.

  Em deadpanned. “You know, babe, that’s a really good point. Maybe we should forget the whole baby thing so we don’t mess up the new car, hmm?” Seeing the look of immediate concern on Eve’s face destroyed any attempt to carry the ruse off any longer. Em cackled, jibing, “Ha! Got you!”

  “You did.” Shaking her head and smiling, Eve admitted she was fooled. “Brat. I love you.”

  “And I love you.”

  18.3—No Baby, Baby

  Eyes brimming with tears ready to spill, Eve declared softly, “Well, I guess this new car smell is going to survive a lot longer than we planned.”

  Em reached over and took Eve’s hand. She gave her a reassuring squeeze, but didn’t say anything. What could she say? If she attempted to say anything, she would start bawling and that just wouldn’t do—she was driving, but more than that, she had to be strong for Eve.

  Eve sniffled, trying to hold back the flood that was threatening. “I don’t know what exactly I was expecting to hear, but… that sure wasn’t it.” Her sigh was more of a stifled sob. “Infertile? Infertile? I… I…” Eve broke into quiet sobbing, her shoulders heaving with heartbreak, realizing the second chance she’d always assumed she’d have later had been obliterated.

  Em pulled the Range Rover over to the curb and turned off the engine. She got out of the vehicle and rounded the rear of the car with determination to Eve’s door and flung it open. She pulled Eve into her arms and held her as Eve continued to weep. Tears flowed down Em’s cheeks and silently dropped onto Eve’s shoulder.

  “Honey, sweetie…” Em whispered. “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. I know… I know how much you wanted this. I’m here. Babe, I love you. I love you so much. I know this is not what you wanted to hear. It’s not what I wanted to hear, either. I…”

  Em didn’t know what else to say, how to comfort Eve. She’d never seen Eve so emotional, so distraught. Ever. It was usually Eve comforting her. Now that she could see just how much having a baby of her own meant to Eve, Em was deeply grateful she had gotten on board with the whole baby thing. She couldn’t begin to imagine the damage not doing so might have done to their relationship, but it was clear now it would have been devastating to them. Eve clung to her, wracked with sobs. As Em’s heart ached for Eve, the love of her life, she wondered, how could she fix this?

  Beverly Hills fertility specialist, Dr. Adan Volpert, a long-time associate of Em’s father’s, delivered the heartbreaking news that no amount of money could replace what Eve didn’t have—a functional, healthy uterus. Perhaps at a younger age, trying to get and remain pregnant to term might have been possible, though the odds would be high against it. In her forties, however, Eve would be looking at almost certain failure, miscarriages, or worse.

  The doctor was emphatic that she consider adoption if the maternal instinct was overwhelming. Em asked about other opinions, groundbreaking treatments, anything, but Volpert, out of a sense of loyalty to Em’s father and their friendship, had already consulted with several of the best fertility specialists he knew, without success. In his opinion, Eve had the same chance of getting pregnant and carrying to term as he would. He was extremely kind and gentle in his delivery of the bad news, which Em so appreciated, but he was also firm. Trying to go ahead with their plans would be extremely costly, which he knew was not an issue, but more important than anything, it would most likely be dangerous to Eve’s health. That sealed the deal for Em. Putting Eve in danger just wasn’t acceptable to her.

  “Honey, let’s go home and just… I don’t know, sit by the pool, or take a nap, or… whatever you want to do. Hmmm?” Em stroked Eve’s back and kissed her head, wanting so badly to make her feel better, but she knew she couldn’t. This was going to be a devastating blow to Eve for a long time, she feared.

  Eve pulled herself away from Em and wiped her wet face with her hands. She exhaled heavily and looked into Em’s concerned face. She could see that Em had been crying as well, and considered for a moment sharing the true depth of her angst, but decided against it.

  “I’m sorry Emmy. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I… I didn’t realize it meant this much to me, but… apparently it does.” A small sob escaped as Eve pushed her regrets into an unreachable recess of her psyche.

  “I know it does. I’m sorry.” Em instinctively rubbed Eve’s upper arms, just to touch her and hopefully comfort her. “Let’s go home, sweetie.”

  “Yeah,” Eve replied softly, nodding her head slightly.

  “Okay.” Em gently closed Eve’s door, retraced her steps back around the Range Rover and climbed into the driver’s seat, turned on the engine and headed home. She looked over at the crestfallen Eve and her heart literally ached. Em hoped Eve could somehow come to terms with this unfortunate news, and that they might find another way to satisfy Eve’s maternal urges. Whatever she needed to do, Em knew she would do it. She would do anything for Eve. Anything.

  18.4—Bright Side

  “Whatcha doin’?” Em asked Eve as she joined her out by the pool. Eve was in sweatpants and a t-shirt, barefoot, laying on a chaise lounge and staring out at Los Angeles in the distance.

  Eve shrugged.

  “I brought you some sweet iced tea—it’s Dot’s recipe.” Em set the glass down on the side table and then sat down on the edge of Eve’s chaise. “You all right?”

  “Yeah, yeah,” Eve replied unconvincingly. “I’m just… you know. A little sad.” She let out a heavy sigh. “I’m also kicking myself for letting myself… for… for getting so wrapped up in the idea of having a baby. I mean, what was I thinking? I’m not young anymore.”

  Em began to object, but Eve interrupted her interruption, “I mean, I’m not old, but I shouldn’t have thought having a baby would be a snap. Even if I could get pregnant, so many things could go wrong—at my age. I just wish…”

  “You felt this way sooner?” Em asked, though she didn’t need to ask. She knew what Eve was feeling. She could see it in Eve’s eyes, hear it in her voice, see it in how her body moved when she walked. She was crestfallen and beating herself up for something she couldn’t control.

  Eve just nodded, fighting back tears.

  “Oh, babe. I’m so sorry.” Em lightly stroked Eve’s arm. “I know our
timing sucks, but please don’t blame yourself. I hope you won’t, anyway. It sucks your alarm didn’t go off ten years earlier, but how could you know? Seriously. I mean, if we could all control everything in our lives that we don’t like, or wish we could go back in time and change… I don’t know, honey. Real life is messy. Unpredictable. Uncontrollable. Just…” Em sighed. She wanted desperately to make Eve feel better and wasn’t sure she was.

  “I know,” Eve admitted. “I’ll get over it. The universe obviously has other plans for us. I just wanted that experience so… much. And I just let myself… well, never mind, honey. I’ll be okay. I don’t want you to worry about me.”

  Em laid down on her side beside Eve, resting her head on Eve’s shoulder. She wrapped her arm around Eve’s waist, pulling her close. “Well, you know I do, and I will. You’re my everything, Evie. I want you to be happy. If it would make you happy… you know… I’d have a baby for you.” She chuckled softly. “So you have to know just how much I love you to offer that, right?” They both smiled. Eve kissed Em on the forehead, letting her lips linger.

  “You are my everything,” Eve said. “As long as I have you, I’ll be fine. I just have to… I don’t know, work through this… grief? I think that’s what I’m feeling.”

  “Of course it is. I know I wasn’t on board in the beginning, but… once I got on, I was right with you, honey. I’m not sad in the same way you are, but I am sad. For you and for us. I actually kind of got used to the idea, but… I’m definitely happy with our life together, so…”

  “And it’s a great life.” Eve turned to Em, looked into the eyes she loved so much and kissed her on the mouth, savoring Em’s soft lips. “I love you. You are enough for me. I’m… so… sorry for…”

  “Shhh, shhh… just keep kissing me. Don’t stop. Ever.”

  Eve stopped kissing Em and pulled back from her.

  “What are you doing, I told you…”

  “You know, babe,” Eve proposed, “there is a bright side to all of this.”

  “There is?”

  “Well, we need a bright side.”

  “We do,” Em conceded. “And it is…?”

  “We got a new car which we wouldn’t have done, at least not now, if… you know, we hadn’t thought we were going to have a baby.”

  “True. True. So… you’re saying our new car is our new baby?”

  “No,” Eve whined. “It’s the bright side. Let’s not go crazy.”

  Em scoffed and pulled Eve toward her. “You’re crazy. Come here and get back to kissing me.”

  They giggled as Eve obediently complied with Em’s demand.

  NINETEEN

  20 Years

  19.1—Anniversary

  “Hey,” Eve said standing in the doorway to the veranda where Em was curled up on a chaise lounge with her eyes closed. “I’ve been looking for you everywhere. You okay?”

  Em opened her eyes. “Hey babe. I’m just…”

  Eve crossed the over to Em and sat on the edge of the chaise. “What is it?”

  Em let her head drop forward and sighed. She spoke more to herself than to Eve, “I woke up this morning with a heavy weight on my chest. I couldn’t understand what it was, even after I got up and went to the library to write. It just wouldn’t let go of me, and then, of course… I remembered.”

  “What?” Eve asked, mentally wondering, and caught her breath when she remembered what day it was. “Oh, Em…”

  “Yeah,” Em whispered. “Twenty years ago today our lives changed. Forever.”

  “Oh, honey…” Eve pulled Em to her.

  Neither said a word as they each experienced their own memories of July 4th, twenty years before. Every previous year since the accident, Em began fighting back memories a week, sometimes two, before the actual anniversary; but this year, it came without warning. It had crossed Eve’s mind as she was scheduling a meeting for the first week of July, but she ignored the significance of it until Em mentioned it. They held each other in solidarity, both mourning their losses.

  “You know, I think I’m… I don’t know how I feel,” Em admitted, “because of everything that happened. But then, if everything hadn’t happened, we…”

  “I know, I know.” Eve sighed. “We wouldn’t be us. And Alice…”

  “Right. There’s no perfect way… for everything…” Em huffed. “It’s not possible to tie it up in a neat little bow. There’s always a negative. It’s a huge negative. That part sucks.”

  Eve laid down on the chaise next to Em. “I’m sorry for everything that happened to you, and Alice, and… what you had to go through to get better, but…”

  Em pulled Eve close to her. Neither spoke for a long while, lost in their own thoughts and memories from long ago. The wounds weren’t fresh, nor were the memories, but there were definitely life-long scars.

  Em spoke softly. “I’ve been trying to remember things… things I spent all these years trying to forget or not let affect me… things that would make it all real, but now it’s so hard to, even when I do remember… Y’know, sometimes I wonder if all of it even happened.”

  “I don’t know, baby, maybe you don’t need it to be real anymore,” Eve replied. “Maybe you’re all better—healed. You survived. We survived.”

  “Yeah.” Em wondered if that was true. Was she healed? Had she survived? Really? It had been twenty years since her entire world turned upside down, and the one person she thought she could never live without was gone. Her own physicality was forever altered. Her life, the way she thought it would be, was gone, yet replaced by a new one she would have never imagined in a million years—one she wouldn’t trade in a million years.

  “I know everything happens for a reason, I do,” Em began, “and it’s impossible to imagine my life without you in it. But for you to be in it, all this awful stuff had to happen. You… we… lost Alice, my leg is forever messed up and ugly,” she said, woefully referencing the myriad scars left from the many surgeries necessary to save and repair her leg, “which leaves me with these feelings I don’t understand, and after all these years, still don’t know how to process.”

  Eve snuggled up to Em. “First of all, honey, your leg is not ugly—certainly not to me. I don’t think anyone thinks that. Even if they did, who cares what they think?” Eve scoffed.

  Em began to object, but Eve interrupted. “Shush. Second, we both know the accident didn’t kill our Alice. It would have happened sooner or later. That awful thing in her head was a time bomb just waiting to go off.”

  “I know…” Em agreed, but still saddened that she never had the chance to talk to Alice again.

  “Third, but really, first…” Eve continued. “I know I love you with everything I am, and am so thankful you’re here with me right now. We can’t undo the past, sweetie, or predict the future. All we have is right now, and right now is… pretty amazing.”

  Em smiled. “I love you, too, honey. I guess I’m just having a little sad anniversary moment. I’ll be okay. If it had come along two, three years ago, not so much. I’m actually better now that you’re here with me.”

  They continued to lay on the chaise together, thinking about their lives, their love and how happy they were together—how perfect their lives were, despite the negatives.

  “Do you ever worry that things are too good?” Em asked Eve.

  “No. Never. Ever. And you shouldn’t either. It’s not healthy,” Eve said with finality. “Don’t do it.”

  “Okay, babe, you’re the boss,” Em said contently.

  Snuggled on the chaise with Eve, Em continued to think about her past—Alice, the accident and Prairie, who she credited with saving her life. They hadn’t spoken in months, but what bothered Em more, was that she hadn’t seen Prairie in at least fifteen years.

  “Penny for your thoughts,” Eve said playfully after Em had been silent for a long while.

  Em smiled, then said lazily, “I was thinking about Prairie, how I haven’t talked to her in a while. I haven’t s
een her for years. Fifteen, I think.” Em sighed wistfully. “Gosh, I wish you could meet her. She saved my life.”

  Eve hugged Em. “I know, and for that I am forever grateful to her—I’m sure I’ll meet her eventually. Someday.”

  “Someday,” Em said dreamily as she began to doze off. “Someday…”

  TWENTY

  House on a Hill

  20.1—1977

  Prairie entered the room she shared with Em from the kitchen, via the back porch door. “Gah, I can’t believe it’s already after ten. Time for this girl to hit the sack,” she said to Em who was lying on her bed, reading. “What a week! Whew! TGIF!” Prairie opened a drawer in her bureau and pulled out a t-shirt and a pair of men’s boxers. “Macie was telling us this story from her weekend with her cousins and I swear, I could have fallen asleep.” Prairie began undressing.

  Em continued reading.

  “I mean, it was a pretty funny story about her cousin and pie, but it just went on and on…”

  Santana’s Abraxas album was playing in the background.

  “Mace…” Prairie shook her head, amused. “She can tell the shit out of a story, but then she always beats the holy hell out of it.” She laughed and then cocked her head to the side. “Who’s that?” Prairie asked. “Santana?”

  “Yeah,” Em answered slowly, finishing reading a passage in her book. “Chip lent me the tape player and some 8-Track tapes this afternoon.” Em closed her book. “Do you like them?” With great effort, Em pushed herself up into a sitting position. She grimaced, stifling a groan.

  Standing by her bed in panties and her bra, Prairie quickly inspected her discarded hospital scrubs for stains or odor, determining if they were wearable another day. “Done,” she said and tossed them in the hamper near the porch door.