Prairie Fire

by Djuna Shellam

  “I know. We don’t want you to leave. We love you and love having you in our home. You’re part of our family, Prairie. But, you have to do what’s good for you, Prair, not us.”

  Prairie looked at the return again, thinking. “Shit. Know any good realtors?” She smiled woefully at Gwen.

  20.3—Guess What?

  “Seriously, Prairie, what are you doing?” Em inquired, frustrated. “I can’t see a thing!”

  Prairie looked at Em, blindfolded in the front passenger seat of Prairie’s car, and snickered. “I know, sweetie. That’s the point. I have a surprise for you.”

  “It’s not my birthday, it’s past Valentine’s Day…”

  “Shhhh… we’re almost there.” Prairie beamed, excited to show Em the house she bought just that morning. It was killing her keeping the surprise to herself. Shortly after filing her tax return, Prairie began shopping with a realtor. Unbeknownst to Em, Barbie’s sudden need for Em’s help at the office was mostly in order to give Prairie alone time to shop. If she was successful in finding a house, Prairie wanted it to be a surprise.

  Soon after she began looking, Gwen learned from a co-worker that the house next door to the co-worker had been sitting empty for months. The man who had inherited it from his father months before apparently couldn’t be bothered with it which bugged the neighbors. Despite numerous conversations with different neighbors, the son, a wealthy businessman in New York, considered the property a nuisance and claimed he would get around to it when it suited him. The neighbors didn’t want it sitting empty, but the son was unresponsive to their concerns.

  “What? Where? We literally just left the house,” Em’s mind was working overtime trying to figure out where they were. They’d been driving for barely five minutes. Where was Prairie taking her? “Prairie, you know I hate surprises…”

  Prairie pulled up to a house on a hill on Avenue 55, just on the other side of town from the Hill Top Place house. She parked on the street in front of a single car garage located in the front of the property at street level. To the right of it, more than thirty steep terra cotta painted concrete stairs led to the small house. Built in 1927, the Spanish Colonial Revival style bungalow had been refurbished just years before, and looked almost like new.

  “Guess what?” Prairie asked, barely able to contain her excitement.

  Em huffed, somewhat annoyed. “What?”

  “Guess!” Prairie urged.

  “Prairie…”

  Prairie scoffed, frustrated. “Em, you are no fun.” Prairie pulled the scarf from Em’s eyes. “Look! I bought a house!”

  Em turned to her right and looked at the garage. “It’s a garage,” Em deadpanned.

  “How funny are you? The house is up there,” Prairie said, pointing above the garage, then quickly got out of her car and rushed around to Em’s side, opening her door for her. “Here, let me help you,” she said, leaning down and taking Em’s hands.

  ~/~/~/~/~

  They stood at the bottom of the stairs, looking up. “I know, I know, Emmy. It’s a lot of stairs,” Prairie apologized, knowing the challenge they would be to Em. “We’ll figure it out, okay?”

  Em stared at what appeared to be a million stairs in front of her. Steep stairs. Concrete. One false step and she’d be at the bottom with a cracked skull, or worse. She leaned heavily on her cane, wondering why Prairie would knowingly buy a house she knew would be almost impossible for Em to access?

  Prairie could see Em was not happy. It was evident in every part of her. “Honey, let me explain.”

  Em shrugged.

  “I got this house for pennies on the dollar. It was practically a gift from above, or… wherever.”

  Em’s skepticism was written all over her face, prompting Prairie to talk a little faster.

  “No, really. Babe, this house is literally worth twice what I paid for it. At least. I could list it, sell it and double my money right now. I can’t afford to buy in this neighborhood, not by myself. But this house just appeared, it really was… a miracle.”

  Em rolled her eyes.

  “Really, Em.” Prairie took Em’s hand. “Listen, the old guy who owned it since day one, died. His son, who was raised in it, lives in New York now. He’s some rich so and so. They didn’t get along, I guess. He let it sit for months. Couldn’t care less about it. Then somebody from Lovey’s work who lives next door told her about it just in passing. Lovey told me and gave me his number. I called him up and gave him a ridiculously low offer, and he accepted! He didn’t even haggle.” Prairie was nearly breathless.

  The entire time Prairie was speaking, she noticed Em could not take her eyes off of the stairs.

  But,” Prairie emphasized, “I knew the stairs might be a problem, and I almost said no. And then, I thought—c’mon, babe, hear me out, okay?”

  Without enthusiasm, Em sighed, then nodded, agreeing to hear Prairie out.

  “I thought, what if we considered the stairs, up and down once a day, as part of your rehab, okay? We’ll completely cut out one session at the hospital every day. You’re almost ready, anyway. I figure two, three weeks at the most, and you’ll be able to stop onsite rehab altogether.”

  “I don’t know,” Em said, not convinced.

  “Really,” Prairie stressed. “And these stairs are going to get you there faster. Right?”

  Em frowned, not pleased at all. It seemed Prairie had planned everything out already. Was it her intention that Em move in with her? Or was she to visit everyday? Em was confused, and didn’t know whether to be angry or happy.

  “What’s wrong, babe? I thought you’d be surprised, and then happy,” Prairie said, disappointed. Her surprise wasn’t going at all how she had planned. She looked at Em’s expression. “Wait, you’re not mad, are you?”

  Em had been trying to process everything Prairie was saying and not saying. “No… I’m… confused, Prairie.”

  “About… What do you mean?”

  Em didn’t want to seem presumptuous, leaping to the conclusion that Prairie wanted them to live together, but if she did want that, shouldn’t she have asked Em first? “So you’re going to move here and I’m going to visit you everyday, or…” Em was flustered.

  Prairie stared at Em. “Wait a sec… you think…” Prairie mentally ran through their entire conversation. “Oh, no. Em! Oh damn, I was so excited…” Prairie clapped her hand to her forehead. “Honey, I bought this house for us to live in, together. I mean, if you want to. I mean… I… I…” Now Prairie was flustered. “Em, I need a tax write off and I thought, if I bought a house it would be so bitchin’ if we lived together. By ourselves. Start our life together. You know?”

  There was sincerity in Prairie’s face, but Em was hurt she hadn’t been included in the choosing of the house or even asked if she wanted to cohabitate with Prairie in the first place. Not that she didn’t, because she did, but she just wanted to be asked first. She wanted to be part of the decision making. Em didn’t say anything as she pondered just the right response. In the back of her mind the stairs before her loomed large as she wondered how she would ever get up them, let alone back down again.

  “Emmy… I’m sorry.” Prairie knew she messed up and needed to fix everything with Em, who was obviously upset. Prairie sighed. “I got everything mixed up. I was going to ask you if you wanted to move out of the house and into one with me first, and then if you said yes, I was going to surprise you with the house. I just got crazy excited and… Gah. I messed everything up. And babe, if you don’t want to, we’ll just stay at the house and I’ll rent this damned thing out, okay? I don’t want to leave you behind, alright?”

  So much of Em’s life was controlled by others, particular since her accident, leaving her particularly sensitive. “So you’re asking me to move in with you? And if I say no, you won’t move away and leave me at the house alone? I mean… without you?”

  “Exactly. But I hope you say yes.” Prairie looked up to Em, “Baby, I want to start a life with you, in our
own home. I love the girls and living at the house with everyone, but that’s a place for me as a single girl, not a girl who’s in love with you. Sure, we could move into my room upstairs anytime you want. Now. We could do it today. I mean, it’s bigger, we could sleep in a queen-sized bed instead of our twins, but… it wouldn’t be us building a life together, and it sure won’t help my tax situation, which is what started this whole thing in the first damned place. So… do you want me to get down on one knee? I will,” Prairie asked in all seriousness.

  Em wanted so badly to hug Prairie and kiss her, right there on the street in front of everyone, but restrained herself. Em smiled. “Okay.”

  “Okay?” Prairie beamed.

  “Yes. Under one condition.” Em’s tone was stern.

  “Okay,” Prairie agreed with hesitation.

  “If I’m not able to get up those g’zillion stairs, you’ll carry me up.” Em looking at the stairs warily.

  “Deal! Come on. Let’s tackle these suckers—I wanna show you our house!” Prairie began to lead Em up the stairs. “One little sucker at a time…”

  “Prairie,” Em gripped Prairie’s arm with her free hand. “Wait.”

  “What, babe?”

  “I love you.”

  Prairie drew a quick deep breath, overwhelmed with emotion. “I love you. Always.”

  TWENTY-ONE

  1978

  21.1—The Majors

  “Em! Em!” Prairie burst through the front door. “Em!” She dropped her black pocketbook on the entry table, kicked off her black flats, and padded through the house in nylons. “Em!”

  Hardcover book under her arm, cane in one hand, an empty glass in the other, Em emerged from outside wearing cutoff jean shorts, a yellow tank top and Rayban sunglasses.

  “Hey, babe. What’s going on?” Em asked as she entered the kitchen. She laid the book on the kitchen table and set the glass down as she shoved her sunglasses to the top of her head. Her face was glistening from laying out on the back deck.

  Prairie beamed at Em, grabbed her around the waist, and spun her around the kitchen. “I got it. I got it!” Em’s cane clattered to the floor.

  “Yay!” Em smiled broadly, though she wasn’t sure what they were happy about. If Prairie was happy, she was happy. “What did you get?”

  “Okay, okay,” Prairie began breathlessly, peeling off her dark blue blazer and dropping it onto a kitchen chair. She bent over and retrieved Em’s cane, handing it to her. “Sorry about that. So excited…” She exhaled quickly. “Well, I had my second interview today with the head of the medical team. He came out here just to see me because I couldn’t get away, which is so completely and totally cool. And…” Prairie drummed her hands on the kitchen table to create suspense until she could no longer bear it herself. “I’m in! I got the job!” Prairie leapt around the kitchen. “I’m going to be a team PT for the Toronto Bluejays! Oh, god, I’m so excited—I can’t believe it. My dream is coming true!”

  “The Bluejays?” Em asked tentatively. “They’re the expansion team, right?”

  “Yeah—it’s unbelievable! I’m going to be a big league PT! Whooohooo!” She laughed and then qualified her statement, “I mean, I’ll start with one of their minor leagues, but eventually, if they think I’m good enough, I’ll be with the team, and that’s… oh my god, that’s cool as shit. Pinch me!” she squealed.

  “I didn’t even know you had an interview…”

  “I know, I know. I wanted to tell you, babe, but then I thought, what if I don’t get it, right? I mean, I just didn’t want it to be a topic, you know?” Prairie was breathless. “And then if I did get it, which I did, then it would be a huge surprise, right? Surprise, baby! Hahaha!”

  Em wanted to be happy for Prairie, knowing this is what she wanted to do since high school, but what would it mean for them? She didn’t want to ask, remembering the old adage, never ask a question if you don’t want the answer.

  “Honey, I’m so happy for you. Your dream is coming true. Fantastic! So…” she looked at Prairie and asked the question she couldn’t say out loud with her eyes and face.

  “Ah, babe…” Prairie acknowledged Em’s obvious unspoken concern. “I know there will be some challenges, but we’ll work them out together, okay?” Prairie continued to whoop and laugh with glee as she danced around the kitchen. “I love you, always!”

  “Okay. Always…” Em smiled supportively as she watched Prairie’s exuberant celebration, but inside she was worried.

  ~/~/~/~/~

  Em didn’t want to leave L.A. to follow Prairie and a baseball team around, minor or major, for months at a time; nor did she want to be left behind as some lesbian version of a baseball widow. She enjoyed her life with Prairie and didn’t want anything to change the life they had together. Selfish, she knew, but things were so good, Em just couldn’t see how they could get better by making significant changes that would leave one of them unhappy—she being the unhappy one.

  They’d been living together for over a year, and Em was comfortable and happy. Her leg had improved significantly, she’d been writing, and she had a few solid leads for script reading jobs with various movie studios in Hollywood. She liked to think she and Prairie had a good relationship. It was calm, solid, and they loved each other. It wasn’t a mad passionate relationship, but it was a strong one.

  Em still missed Alice, and too many times she had upset Prairie whenever she chose to share her feelings about Alice, or unconsciously compared Alice to Prairie. Never out of spite, Em just felt so comfortable with Prairie, she sometimes forgot herself and, in the process, would create a slight rift between them. Overall, though, Em was really happy, and now Prairie’s new job was going to ruin everything.

  21.2—The Unchosen

  Prairie loaded the last suitcase into the airport shuttle and asked the gray-haired driver, “Can you give me a few? I’ll be right back, I promise.” As she was the only passenger headed to LAX on that shuttle, he shrugged, “Sure. I’ll be here.”

  She took the stairs two at a time back up to the house where Em was waiting quietly on the sofa, dreading saying good-bye. The night before had been difficult for them both. They had made love, but it was forced, lacking in the spontaneity and harmony they were used to, betraying the truth of their feelings, which was more honest than they had been with each other since Prairie announced her new job.

  Prairie walked into the living room and over to Em, who was sitting stock still on the sofa, and sat next to her. “Hey.”

  “Hey,” Em replied softly. She looked into Prairie’s eyes, searching for something, but what, she didn’t know.

  “Honey, I love you,” Prairie began, “more than anything, and I wish there was another way for me to do this, but—”

  “I know, I know. It’s okay, I’ll be okay. I’m fine.” Em lied, and Prairie knew it.

  “It’s only six months, and I’ll be able to come back and visit—here and there,” Prairie offered. “And I will.”

  For a month, they had tip-toed around the subject of the job—a job that would take Prairie initially to Toronto for her training, beginning in the early spring. After that, she would go to Buffalo for preseason team training. From then until January, if the team did really well, she’d be on the road. Em didn’t want to go to Canada or Buffalo, nor did she want Prairie to go, but she would never ask her to stay. It really had less to do with Prairie leaving for her dream job and more with Em feeling left behind, or being the unchosen. Her insides screamed, “Choose me!” but outwardly, she quietly and unwillingly accepted Prairie’s decision.

  More than any woman she’d ever been with, with the exception of Fiona, Prairie loved Em, but a job with the MLB was something she’d wanted long before she ever thought of being in a relationship with anyone. It was a career she wanted with her entire being, so much so that sometimes she actually ached with ambition and wanting.

  Prairie looked at Em—beautiful, sensitive Em—and her heart ached. Despite her love for E
m, there always seemed to be someone else between them. Em rarely spoke of Alice, even when prodded by Prairie; and yet, Alice seemed to be forever there. When she did speak of her it only ever upset Prairie. As committed to Em as Prairie was, there was a primal fear that one day the elusive and mysterious Alice would show up on their doorstep and, in an instant, shatter the life they had built together. It was an underlying stress that never left her. Prairie truly believed Alice could come back to Em at any time because she didn’t know any better. In all their time together, Em never actually told Prairie that Alice had died—that she was gone and never coming back.

  Because she blamed herself for Alice’s death, Em’s guilt was sometimes overwhelming, and she didn’t want Prairie to hate her because of what happened to Alice. It was bad enough that Em believed her destructive behavior played a significant role in the accident that permanently altered her own life, and that Prairie knew that part of her story. What Em couldn’t bear was Prairie or anyone else knowing she was the one responsible for her lover’s death.

  Em’s secret, or more accurately, what was left unsaid, left Prairie often feeling uncertain about the solidity of their relationship, always waiting for the other shoe to drop. In the end, the uncomfortable uncertainty colored her decision to continue to pursue the MLB gig, no matter where it led, even if it was away from Em forever.

  After Fiona, and what her heart had endured, Prairie spent many years purposefully maintaining distance from women in order to protect her heart. She never spoke of it, remaining as unattached as humanly possible in her dalliances. In the process, she had gotten a wild reputation for being an alley cat, despite it being her own twisted method of self-defense. Em was the first woman since Fiona to challenge her resolve to never be hurt again, so that in a way, leaving for the MLB was actually going to save her. If the truth were told, she didn’t want Em to go with her. She wanted to go back to not feeling anything before her heart got killed again, because it was more predictable—safer.