I Hate You, I Love You

by Bailey B

  I sneak through the kitchen door and close it slowly. Carefully. It’s 5:15, Dad gets up at six like clockwork, no matter how late he goes to bed. If I tip-toe upstairs and slip under the covers, he’ll never know I was gone all night.

  I pad through the dark kitchen, fearful that turning the light on will somehow magically wake him early because of course that would be my luck.

  “And where have you been, young lady?”

  I jump and cover my racing heart with my hand. The light above the dining room table flicks on, casting shadows on his face. Dad’s sitting there, newspaper open on the hard wood table, coffee in hand. Amusement dances across his face. I’ve never snuck out before or back in for that matter. At least, to his knowledge I haven’t. “Holy hell, Dad. You scared the crap out of me.”

  He chuckles, clearly finding this situation more amusing than I do. “Imagine how I felt walking into your room this morning, discovering your bed just as empty as it was when I went to sleep.”

  I slide into the chair across from him and steal a sip of his coffee. It’s a dark roast with cream, no sugar. Not my personal favorite, but it was mom’s. “You’re awfully calm.”

  “Well, I figured this was coming. You and Logan were close before we left. And when he showed up Saturday with that necklace,” he points to the sapphire I’ve yet to take off. “I knew all bets were off.”

  I wipe the sleep from my eyes with my palms then run my fingers down my cheeks. It’s too early for this conversation. I don’t know what to say. So Dad speaks for me. “What is going on between you two?”

  I set his mug back on the table and slide it across the hardwood surface. Mom would have a fit if she were still here. She hated water rings or condensation from cups on her antique table. But Mom’s not here anymore. I frown, the constant reminder dampening my morning. “Nothing. We’re just friends.”

  Dad crosses his arms and clucks his tongue. “Uh-huh. Just friends my ass.” He smirks. “So you’ve become friends who have sleepovers?”

  “I don’t see what the big deal is. If I’d fallen asleep at Sarah’s this wouldn’t be an issue.”

  “Sarah can’t get you pregnant.”

  “And neither can Logan.”

  “Really?” Dad asks, rubbing the day old scruff he’s yet to shave. “Care to explain, because last time I checked a penis was a super straw meant for making babies.”

  “Oh, God! Dad! Really?” I bury my face in my hands. We are not having the sex talk. Not now. Not ever.

  He laughs.

  “Logan is the last person in the world I’d pick to do that dance with.” I shudder and pretend to gag for good measure, but the thought isn’t as repulsive as his verbiage makes it. I bite my lip, letting my thoughts run rampant. I might just let Logan have sex with me. Maybe. If we get into a relationship and we wait a while. Maybe.

  “If you say so, kiddo. Just wear a condom. I’m too young to be a grandpa.” The corners of his lips lift again before he takes another sip of coffee.

  “Dad!” I shake my head. “I can’t even with you. I’m going up stairs to get ready for school.”

  “Need a ride?”

  “No thanks. Sarah’s taking me.” I stand, pushing in my chair. I really do need to get ready. I told Sarah I wanted to get to school early. The sooner I find Gunner, the sooner I can get our breakup over with.

  “Your birthday is coming up. We should go get that car I promised you.”

  “When do you want to go?” I’m sure it’ll be something used, but a car is a car. Love Sarah, but it would be nice not to rely on her.

  “I’m off today. Want to head over to the dealership after school?”

  “Sure, but I need to be back at the school by seven.”

  “Oh yeah? Why is that?” Dad guffaws, already knowing the answer.

  I shake my head, feeling my cheeks heat. Of course he remembers. “So you’ll pick me up today?”

  “Yup. See you at two, kiddo.”

  I twirl a lock of hair between my fingers, anxiously watching the cafeteria door. I haven’t seen Gunner all morning but I know he’s here. Somewhere. Unfortunately so is Melody and she’s bound to be wherever he is. Apparently, they both magically got over their illnesses at the same time.

  If I was a betting girl, I’d wager that Melody is going after Gunner because she thinks I stole Logan from her. Who knows, maybe inadvertently I did, but as far as I’m concerned, she can have Gunner.

  Finally, after what feels like forever, Gunner walks into the cafeteria, surrounded by his usual posse of friends. I practically jump off the bench seat and run over to them. Gunner, of course, takes my enthusiasm as excitement to see him. His grin stretches from ear to ear. “Hey, doll face. Miss me?” He wraps his big arms around me and leans in for a kiss.

  I turn my head, giving him my cheek. The thought of where that mouth has been this past week makes me sick. “Of course. Are you feeling better?”

  Gunner releases me and gives an upwards nod to someone behind me. “Definitely. I’m ready to kick ass at tonight’s game. You’ll be there right? Last game wasn’t the same without my favorite cheerleader in the stands.”

  “About that.” I lace my fingers with his and take a step backwards. “Can we talk? Alone.”

  Tad elbows Gunner, smirking like a kid with his first dirty magazine. Gunner’s got the same stupid grin on his face. I’m sure they’re thinking we are going to have some steamy reunion. He’s going to be disappointed. “Of course.”

  I lead Gunner out into the hallway, where he immediately pushes me against the lockers. His hands run from my waist down to my hips, his lips hovering near my neck. “God, I missed you.”

  “Gunner, stop.” I push my palm against Gunner’s chest but he doesn’t move. He presses his mouth against the exposed skin, sucking and biting. I pinch my shoulder up hoping it’ll force his face away, but he doesn’t move. “Gunner, please.”

  Gunner’s teeth scrape against my neck as he’s yanked back by the shirt collar. “The fuck?” he mumbles.

  “She said stop, asshole,” Logan growls, pushing Gunner away from him. I suck both my lips between my teeth and fight a smile. My Logan. Always here to save the day.

  Gunner trips over his feet and chuckles darkly, a malicious grin on his face. “What is it with you and this chick?”

  “Leave him out of this,” I say, reaching for Gunner’s arm.

  Gunner jerks out of my reach and presses his brows together. He must finally realize what’s about to happen. “Him? You’re worried about him? I was the one assaulted.”

  “Don’t be such a fucking baby,” Logan quips.

  I smirk, then force the corners of my lips down. My mother raised me better than to laugh when someone is hurting. I take a second to compose myself then say, “Look, Gunner, this thing between us. It’s over.”

  “Are you fucking kidding me, Danika? I told you I loved you. I got us a beautiful hotel room, that you skipped out on, had planned a romantic breakfast, that you also missed, and you’re the one dumping me?” He shakes his head. “I don’t think so.”

  I cross my arms out of habit but keep my tone steady. Calm. “You can’t refuse to break up, Gunner. That’s not how relationships work.”

  “Did you guys ever officially start dating?” Logan interjects with a shit eating grin.

  “Why the fuck are you still here?” Gunner roars.

  Logan squares his shoulders. “Because I know you. I know you’re a sadistic prick and I don’t trust you alone with Danika.”

  These two are going to end up fighting and getting kicked out of tonight's game if I don’t do something. I don’t think Logan will care, but Gunner will be crushed. I set my hand on Logan’s arm, ignoring the electricity traveling between us. “I’ll be okay. Just give us a minute.”

  Logan grits his teeth, his cheek pulsating. “I’ll be right there.” He points to the cafeteria doors. More for Gunner’s understanding than mine. “Watching.”

  “It's him, is
n’t it?’ Gunner asks, the fight in his tone gone. His shoulders roll forward and I finally feel something for him. Pity. I’ve never seen him look so defeated. I hate that I’m the one who’s breaking him.

  I shrug. “Yes and no.”

  “Damn it, Danika. I had you first.” Gunner turns and punches the locker.

  “And you took a bet out on me, Gunner!” I say, letting my frustration penetrate my tone. I set my hands on my hips. “How could you?” He runs his tongue over his teeth and looks down at his feet. Not even attempting to deny it. “Logan and I have history. He and I will always be…us. But he wasn’t the deciding factor. You were.”

  Gunner raises his gaze to meet mine and I’m surprised to see his eyes a little glossy. “I’m sorry.”

  “It’s too late for sorry, Gunner.”

  22

  Logan

  I take my helmet off and throw it on the ground earning me another flag from the referee. I don’t know what’s going on tonight but we’re sucking. Bad. Cooper wasn’t allowed to play because he was suspended for fighting. Again. Tad’s got butterfingers, dropping every ball. And I don’t know where Gunner’s head is. As for the rest of the team, they’re busting their asses but that doesn’t mean they don’t suck any less. We haven’t lost this bad since my freshman year.

  I bend down and pick my helmet up, as Coach Riley pulls me off the green. I don’t even care anymore. There’s no way we’re going to win without a miracle. Losing this game means we’re out of the playoffs. Our season is essentially done and it’s only just started. Fuck me.

  Grabbing a cup of water from the dispenser, I sit on the bench. Dump the contents on my head. Then toss the Styrofoam behind me. It’s the middle of October and still hot as balls outside. If not for the pretty little brunette sitting at the edge of the bench behind me, legs crossed, arms tucked by her side looking more uncomfortable than a sinner in church, I wouldn’t bother to be here. I would have walked off and left already, but I want Danika to see me at least try and save this game. I know tonight can’t be easy for her.

  Coach throws his clipboard on the ground and motions for me to go back on the field. I sigh and shake my head. I’m done. I don’t give two shits about this team. I go back out anyway, only to get my ass handed to me. The game ended and, as expected, we lost. Coach doesn’t even bother to follow us into the locker room. He probably realizes that anything he could say would be a waste of breath and fall upon deaf ears.

  I take my helmet off and stare at the stands, watching the crowd clear out. Searching for where that pretty shade of brown went, but I don’t see Danika anywhere.

  “She left me. She’ll leave you too,” Gunner says behind me.

  I grip the face mask of my helmet and ignore him. Danika’s got to be out there somewhere. I saw her once tonight. She wouldn’t leave without saying goodbye, especially now we’re taking our relationship to the next step. I haven’t actually talked to her about it yet, but I’m almost positive she’ll say yes.

  “Fucking whores are all the same,” he mumbles.

  I turn, lifting my helmet in the process, and smack Gunner across the back of the head with it. He stumbles a step to the side then turns and lunges at me. His shoulder hits me in the stomach, knocking me to the ground. I tuck my elbows in and lift my arms to cover my face.

  Gunner’s got a mean right hook, and lands more than one punch to my ribs. I stay on the ground, taking the beating. Waiting for him to wear himself out because he has the upper hand. Then I’ll make my move.

  Indistinct voices blur into the teacher from Charlie Brown. “Wah-wah-Wah.” Someone pulls Gunner off of me.

  Someone else, a parent maybe, lifts me to my feet. A light shines in my eyes, blinding me, moving it from left to right. Left to right. The light clicks off as a hand taps my check. The spots in my vision clear and I grimace.

  “You’re good.”

  “Thanks, Dr. Winters.”

  23

  Danika

  I place my hands on my hips and glare up at a freshly showered Gunner as he emerges from the locker room. I’ve replayed the fight on the field in my head a thousand times. It looked like Logan snapped, but I know him. At least, I think I still do. Logan’s thrown me a few curveballs these past few weeks, but every now and then I catch a glimmer of the boy he used to be and that boy wouldn’t attack someone unless provoked.

  “What did you do?”

  Gunner drops his arms, giving up on the notion that I’ll run into them. Why he ever thought that in the first place is beyond me. That blow to the head must have messed with his memory because we aren’t a thing anymore. “What makes you think I did anything? Logan’s the one who started it.”

  I follow as he walks past me to the school parking lot. The only cars left are that of the players and possibly the coaches. Everyone else has already left for the night either to go home or to Jake’s house for his weekly after party. One I have no desire to attend.

  “Bullshit. What did you say to him?”

  Gunner throws his hands in the air and spins on his heels to face me. “Jesus, Danika. I didn’t do anything. Why can’t you get it through your thick skull, Logan’s fucking nuts, just like Piper.”

  I smack Gunner so hard my hand stings. Why do that? Why bring Piper into this? No one knows the hell she’s gone through this year, and the rumors people have spread are nasty. Arrested for prostitution. Drug binge. Whoring around for her mama’s rent. Someone even said she was probably dead, and then laughed. Laughed! I don’t understand how my classmates can be so cruel.

  “If you ever do that again,” Gunner growls, stepping into my personal space. “You’ll regret it.”

  Dad always warned me: if you fight like a man, be prepared to be hit like a man. From the look in Gunner’s eyes, I have the sneaking suspicion he’s resisting the urge to retaliate. I cross my arms and glare, unfazed by his warning. I can take a punch just as good as I throw one. “Don’t threaten me, Gunner.”

  We stare at each other, neither one of us wanting to back down. For him, it’s pride; but for me, it’s principal. I won’t be bullied into submission, and I damn sure won’t stand for him badmouthing anyone in front of me. Logan was right all along. Gunner is a snake in the grass.

  Gunner grabs my wrist, breaking our standoff. His hands are ice against my skin. I dig my heels into the ground and jerk my hand. “What the hell, Gunner? Let me go.”

  Gunner’s grip is firm, never breaking no matter how many times I try to shake free. He pulls me towards his car. A tickle of panic climbs my spine. I’ve never seen this side of him before. He pops his trunk with his key fob and drops his duffle bag inside, then closes it—all with one hand. Letting go of my wrist, he shoves me in the back. “Get in.”

  I touch the tender skin of my wrist, becoming even more heated as I realize it’s going to bruise. “No.”

  “Hey!” Logan yells, dropping his duffle bag and sprinting across the black top. “What the hell is going on here?”

  “None of your business, Harris.” Gunner flicks his hand at Logan, shooing him away. “Go home to that whore of yours. Danika and I have business to attend to.”

  Logan ignores the dig at Piper and looks at me, eyes locked on mine. His gaze trails down to my wrist, watching me attempt to soothe the dull ache. “Dani, are you okay?”

  I nod, butterflies swarming at the use of my middle school nickname. I love hearing it leave his lips. Maybe it’s the adrenaline of the situation messing with my emotions. Or maybe I’ve finally given up fighting myself, but every feeling I’d forgotten comes flooding back faster than I can process. The pain of telling Logan about my mom’s cancer. The tears I thought would swallow me whole when I said goodbye before our move. The excitement I’d feel watching him play football. The twists in my stomach when he’d touch me, even accidentally.

  I’ve had a crush on Logan all along and didn’t realize it.

  That’s why the pull to be near him has always been so strong.

 
Why no matter how rude Logan has been to me, I’ve forgiven him.

  It was always him.

  ‘Danika,” Gunner says, emphasizing the ka in my name, “and I were just leaving.”

  “No, we weren’t” I snap, taking a step to my left. I don’t know what it is that makes Gunner feel he has the right to control me, but I’m over it. We aren’t together but even if we were, I wouldn’t allow him to treat me like this.

  Logan holds out his hand to me, “Come on Dani.”

  Gunner steps forward and shoves Logan in the chest. “What is your deal with this chick?”

  Logan barely moves an inch. He grits his teeth, cheeks pulsating. I’ve seen this look a thousand times; Logan is pissed. Back when we were kids, he’d walk away from a jerk like Gunner. But now that I’ve seen what Logan is capable of, how the fire inside him has taken over, I know without a doubt there will be bloodshed. Again.

  Gunner smirks, probably feeling like he’s the man on top or something. He’s an idiot. With every passing second, I realize how much I’ve misjudged him. My desire to wash away my feelings for Logan made me blind, when the truth was staring me in the face.

  Gunner grabs my wrist again and Logan snaps. He rushes Gunner, knocking me to the ground in the process. My bare knees scrape against the asphalt but overall, I’m okay. I scoot back and climb to my feet as the boys wrestle each other. Gunner gets the upper hand, sitting on top of Logan and punches him in the face. Logan puts his arms up defensively and lets Gunner wail on him. Again. I know what he’s doing, he’s wearing Gunner out, but that doesn’t mean Logan isn’t suffering in the process.

  I stand on the sidelines, anxious energy bubbling under my skin. It kills me. Watching Logan get the snot beat out of him, knowing I could do something to help. Gunner lands another punch, splitting Logan's lip and I can’t stand it any longer. I run up and kick Gunner in the side of his head, knocking him off of Logan.