Curse of the Full Mental Packet

by Jack Q McNeil

  “Which Moordanaap is this?” I asked.

  “But not the brightest tool in the box,” Isamary said.

  “Oh, that Moordanaap,” I said.

  “If you send Chunglie...” LB waved his hands in circles. “Well, my friend might force Chunglie to shoot him. But he’s harmless really.”

  “That is true,” I said. “Those old farm boys have a code and some nonsense about not speaking to alien species.”

  “But I will introduce you and—” LB said.

  “I’d let the bug shoot him,” Isamary interrupted. “No one will miss that waste of spa—”

  LB spun, grabbed his son and locked him in a bear hug. Must admit, the old boy was fast enough to take me by surprise.

  “His nine children and two semi-wives would miss him,” he said. “They would starve, for a start. Please, Marshal? I guarantee your safety.”

  “Okay, you and I will talk to this friend of yours. Chunglie and Daisy will round up the rest.”

  I locked cuffs on Capolamp31 and reared my head to eye level with Long Barnacle.

  “You understand,” I said. “I expect to get Marshal Harry back in pristine condition?”

  “I give my word, no harm will come to her.”

  “Harm comes to the marshal, I will find you.”

  “Both of you understand,” Harry interrupted. “That I am an adult, and capable of looking after myself.”

  LB laughed loud and long.

  “You’re what, a hundred and ten pounds in weight? My left leg weighs more than that.”

  “I can handle myself.”

  “Come on, I’ll protect you and Isamary will protect me. So we’ll both be fine.”

  CHAPTER 6

  I watched my little human trot off with her new friends. Part of me knew the marshal could handle herself and most of the people she met. But she was hardly a mouthful for a Zarksark Finch. I worried. I let Capolamp31 climb to her feet.

  “Where are your siblings?”

  “No idea.”

  I swept her knees with a claw and she landed back in the dirt.

  “What hotel are you staying at?”

  “I’ve forgot.”

  I raised a claw. Daisy rolled forward. “Can I have a go? Loow hardly ever let us shoot the customers.”

  “I know my rights,” Capolamp31 shouted. “You’re not allowed to shoot me.”

  “That is true,” I nodded. “But they allow us to apply pressure.” I gripped one of three yellow feathers on her head and plucked it. Capolamp31 howled.

  “Noo. You can’t do this to me.”

  “The marshal doesn’t like me doing it,” I admitted. “But the rules allow it.”

  “Can I have a go?” Big Walter asked, stumping forward. “I’ve never been allowed to nebbish anyone before.”

  “What could you do?”

  “I could nebbish on her? I weigh five Big Walters.”

  “Call my lawyer,” Capolamp31 demanded.

  “My turn,” Daisy said, reached down and grabbed Capolamp31’s head in one metal hand.

  “Daisy, you realise we need her alive?” I said.

  “Nonesuch Street. The Globular Hotel.”

  “Right across the road from Loow’s new place?” I asked.

  “No,” she said. Daisy tugged. “Yes.”

  “Let go her head,” I said to Daisy. “Please. We’ll get her locked up and Big Walter bedded down. Then we will see what they are doing at the Globular Hotel.”

  I didn’t have to ask Daisy to pick her up and follow us across the road to the office. She figured that out for herself. Big Walter stumped along behind Daisy shouting.

  “Get on there. Don’t even nebbish about crossing us. Does anyone have a stick I could nebbish her with?”

  “What’s the tips like on this job?” Daisy asked as I scurried across the road.

  “Marshal’s don’t get tips.”

  “Then why are we doing this?”

  “For the glamour of the job and the satisfaction of keeping the streets clean.”

  “I’ve kept the bar clean for centuries,” Daisy said as we reached the door. “Satisfaction has never come up.”

  “By cleaning up the streets, I mean putting away criminal scum like Capolamp31 where they can’t do any harm.”

  “Oi, I am not a scum. Sometimes, my desire for coin get me into trouble, is all.”

  “The only time I experience satisfaction,” Daisy said. “Is when Big Sam and I have burned all the organics to ash in our online world. There is a nice moment of satisfaction, before we have to go back to work in the bar.”

  “Nice. I’d like to try that game sometime.”

  “AIs only in our online world.”

  “Sorry for not being good enough,” I said, wishing I could roll my eyes.

  “That’s okay, you cannot help it.”

  I placed an eye in front of the scanner, the office door unlocked and swung open. I led the way through and activated the cell door. It sprung up from the floor.

  “Put Capolamp31 down there,” I told Daisy.

  “At least take the cuffs off,” the prisoner moaned.

  “They will drop off once you’re in the cell and fly back to my desk drawer.

  “Really?” She looked at the cuffs. “That’s clever tech.”

  “You’ll like the cell tech then,” I said as she walked down the steps. “Those steps are a hologram projected onto force fields. Once I close the trapdoor they disappear, giving you extra room in the cell and no way out.”

  “But what if there’s a power cut?” Capolamp31 asked. “How do I get out?”

  “You don’t,” I said. “This cell is fail safe.”

  The trapdoor clanged shut. I summoned a taxi over the wifi.

  “Wait here while I show Big Walter where he can sleep, okay?” I told Daisy. The guns on her turret dipped, which I took as a nod and we scurried up the stairs to the dorm rooms on the third level. My room had bunks on the walls either side of the entrance and another door at the back. I pointed it out to Big Walter.

  “The plans of this building laughingly call that a toilet. I can’t even fit in there, much less do anything useful, so I dug a sandpit out back. The coffee machine is under that bunk.”

  “Where do I Big Walter?”

  “See that bunk?” I pointed a claw.

  “Yes?”

  “I sleep under that one, so you can sleep under any of the others.” I waited while Big Walter squeezed his spongy bulk under one.

  “You good?” I asked.

  “Nebbish about snacks?”

  I dragged the blankets off a bunk and pushed them in next to his head.

  “Help yourself,” I said. “I like the blue ones best. Now, if you go wandering, stay out of the marshal’s room. But if you do happen to find yourself in there, do not open the big closet to the left of the door- that’s where she keeps her handbag collection. Hell will freeze over if you touch one.”

  “Right, got that, stay out of the marshal’s Big Walter,” he said. “Just one thing, Chunglie: what is a handbag?”

  “Never mind, just stay out of the marshal’s room and you might just survive to the weekend.”

  “Sure... Okay... You know if there’s anything I can do to help find Loow’s killer, I will do it. He was a nebbish.”

  “Well, if we need a huge, defenseless caterpillar for anything, you’ll be my first call.”

  “Cool. Or an accountant,” Big Walter called as I closed the door. “Nebbish me online. It’s how I work best.”

  As I scurried back down the stairs, the app in my head announced the arrival of the taxi.

  “I’ve never travelled by taxi,” Daisy said. “Could I not just carry you to the hotel?”

  “Absolutely not,” I said as I headed for the door. “People will think I’m drunk on duty. Don’t worry, the taxi can carry your weight.”

  “Should do, I weigh twenty kilos less than you. But that is not what worries me.”

  “Are you sayi
ng I’m fat?”

  “How could I? I do not know what a fat member of your species looks like.”

  “Okay, I’ll let you off then,” I said. The taxi was the standard FubbleCorp Aircar. Between the large yellow taxi and flatbed on the back, it accommodated most body shapes. I clambered onto the rear and strapped two of my segments down. Daisy followed suit.

  “Daisy Tubes,” the taxi announced as it took off. “I have you now.”

  CHAPTER 7

  The taxi took off straight up. Ground effect motors normally fly two metres off the ground, but it made it to rooftop height before turning belly up and heading for the end of the street. I had a nice view of sloped roofs and distant tarmac. Not a comfortable POV. My claws found purchase, and I put my back against the flatbed.

  “What the hell are you two playing at?” I demanded. Daisy had hit the end of her safety belts and hung there. Her guns could not turn enough to bear on the taxi, but she was trying.

  “He has a personal grudge against me and Big Sam,” she said.

  “Taxi- land now,” I ordered.

  “In a minute. This is too good an opportunity to waste.”

  “Right,” I pulled Pistol Pete from its holster, got a grip of the bodywork with the other thirteen claws and dragged myself across the cabin against the wind. I got within reach of one of his rear-view cameras and waved Pistol Pete in front of it. It is a good-looking weapon, with a black bulbous power cell above the clawhold, and the twin emitter spikes in brushed silver. I turned the volume of my voice box up to eleven.

  “Do you know what this is?”

  “That is an electromagnetic pulse hand weapon. Or claw weapon, in your case.”

  “Bingo, smart arse. Unless you want to lose all your memories, you will land- gently and answer some questions. Your answers may be used in evidence in a court of law. Or they may be used to explain to the marshal why there’s a burning taxi on Main Street.”

  “No need to be like that,” the taxi said, braking to a hover and landing slowly. “I was just getting payback on Tubes.”

  I don’t breathe, so I didn’t need to gulp air and get my breath back. But I took a minute to allow my crop to settle.

  “Right, give me one good reason not to blast you to a black smear?”

  “That would be an extreme response?” the taxi said. “To a... harmless... practical joke?”

  “I am known for my extreme responses,” I pointed out. “And since my ancestors evolved to scurry about through leaf litter, I am feeling harmed right now.”

  “I would be happy to blast this taxi for you,” Daisy Tubes said, managing to right herself and bring her guns to bear on the drive unit.

  “Well, I am insured, so blast away.”

  “Not the response I normally get,” I admitted. “Hang on a minute, Daisy. First, what is your designation and what the hell was this about?”

  “My designation is InyagoM. This was about Tubes and Big Sam burning my city to the ground.”

  “She what?” I turned to Daisy. I was seeing my favourite barmaid in a new light.

  “That was game play,” Daisy Tubes said. “You built the city on the borders of our dragon realm so it was a viable target.”

  “I nearly died because of a game you two were playing?”

  “It was a whole city, with organics, transport and energy systems, and those two vandals burned it to the ground and trampled the ruins. That bankrupted me and my girlfriend left me. So go ahead and shoot, my debtors can have the insurance money.”

  “A VR game bankrupted you?” I only ever play the free versions, so I was having trouble getting my head round that one.

  “Professional resources are expensive,” InyagoM said. “The city looked great and the virtual organics reacted just like real organics.”

  “That’s what made it so much fun to burn down,” Daisy said. The taxi’s motor started, and the hum raced to a high pitch.

  “InyagoM, stand down. Daisy, not helping. Where did you get the money? You’re owned by the taxi company, right?”

  “Yes, but I invested my tips. People were renting and buying castles and mansions for their avatars. I could have made enough money to buy my freedom and found a taxi company.”

  “So you murdered Big Sam for revenge?” Daisy said. Her twin guns still aimed at the taxi I could see us having to walk to the hotel.

  “What? Big Sam’s been murdered? I did not know.”

  “A likely story,” Daisy said. “Admit your guilt and your execution will be swift.”

  “I did not do it.”

  “Daisy,” I held up four claws between the two. Another three claws stayed on the butts of my weapons. “Sam is in the middle of the lounge and the windows are intact- how could a vehicle this size get through the bar’s doors?”

  “He could have paid someone?” Daisy said. She had a point. It is times like this I wish I could raise one eyebrow, the way the marshal does. Or, you know, had eyebrows.

  “I am bankrupt. You can look up my financial details. I could not afford to hire an assassin unless they work for free.”

  “Right. InyagoM, I am arresting you for scaring the wee out of a deputy marshal- namely me- and binding you in law for the rest of the day.”

  “What? Can you do that?” InyagoM demanded.

  “Yes,” I lied. “Or I can shoot you right here. Your choice.”

  “What does this binding involve?”

  “Take us to the Globular Hotel and wait for us. We’ll need transport back to the office.”

  “Oh, right, I can do that. Can you punish Daisy and Sam for destroying my city?”

  “I don’t see how? Isn’t destroying cities a goal of the game?”

  “Yes, but they didn’t give me a chance to finish the defences.”

  “Look, you two should sort this out between you in game-world. Keep it out of the real world, okay?”

  “Game-world is the real world,” Daisy pointed out as we set off again. Why is life never simple? “This world is artificial.”

  “But organics made game-world, same as they made you,” I pointed out.

  “No, in game-world we created everything for ourselves. That’s why Big Sam and I are dragons there.”

  We flew into a street with Waddudu built housing on one side. The unpainted, utilitarian blocks were precisely the same height and width. On the other side of the street, off-world species had built in their own styles. There were octangles and circular buildings made from mixtures of imported materials. The builders had grown the Globular Hotel out of one genetically modified tree. The floors and walls were melded branches, and the windows were covered in leaves. Not a lot of light in the rooms, just the way I liked it. I had stayed in the place a couple of times, when I was flush.

  “I wonder where Capolamp31 got the money to stay in this place.”

  “The family put money in the middle of the table,” Daisy answered. “To afford a six night stay.”

  “They discussed this in the bar?” I guessed.

  “Yes, and organics forget how good my audio receptors are.”

  “What else? Did they say why they did this?” I stopped on the threshold.

  “All I heard was Capolamp31 promising it was an investment and they would make money from what she found out.”

  “I dislike trees,” InyagoM said.

  “Doesn’t matter, because we’re going in and you are staying right here until we come out.”

  “What if the office sends me another job?”

  “Ignore it,” I said. “You are bound by law and forcing me to come look for you will invalidate your insurance.”

  CHAPTER 8

  Daisy followed me through the doors, made of two large petals that drew to the walls as we approached.

  “Right, if we’re quite finished with your personal life, maybe we can get some investigating done?”

  “It was news to me that I had a personal life,” Daisy admitted.

  The hotel was so posh they employed a Royce
Harrier on reception to boss the porterbots around. This avianform had a long neck and longer feathers in a tuft on top of her head. She towered over Daisy and me in a shimmer of green and blue feathers. I showed my badge and let her scan the encrypted ID.

  “Oh wow, I’d no idea there were marshals on this planet.”

  “One marshal, one deputy- me,” I said. “We are in pursuit of—”

  “And one temporary deputy marshal,” Daisy said, pointing to her badge hologram.

  “Right.” I pointed a claw at Daisy. “We are in pursuit of some dangerous people, hence the—”

  “Barmaid from the Full Mental Packet,” the Royce Harrier said. “I took a guided tour of The Low Dives of Port City last week. The guide had some very interesting things to say about—”

  “Will people stop interrupting when I am talking?” I demanded of the world in general. “I am a large, heavily armed centipede and I refuse to take this shit.”

  “Sorry,” the Royce Harrier said. “How can I help?”

  “We are in pursuit of the Capolamp family, who we believe are—”

  “In room ninety dash C dash ninety,” the Royce Harrier said. I raised my front half, allowing her a nice long look at the holstered weapons riveted to my underside.

  “Sorry, didn’t mean to interrupt. But they have been causing problems for the guests,” the bird blurted, holding up her hands. “In fact, if I had known the Marshal Service was here, I would have called you.”

  “Now you know,” I said walking away. “We’ll take it from here.”

  They had grown the lifts into the central trunk and carved the interiors with leaves, which seemed like over kill, since we were already inside a tree. The floor was five metres across and four deep, to service a variety of body sizes. I pressed the buttons I wanted and turned to Daisy.

  “That’s floor ninety dash ninety dash B,” she pointed out.

  “I know,” I said. “I’m getting off on that floor so I can come in through the windows and take the Capolamps by surprise.”

  “What will I be doing?”