Flat-Out Love

by Jessica Park

  Matt put on a new song. “We had dinner together.”

  “And?”

  “And what?”

  “Details!”

  “We ate at a Portuguese restaurant in Central Square. I had codfish cakes for an appetizer and then stewed octopus with potatoes and red wine sauce.”

  Julie sat patiently, waiting for him to say more. “That’s it?”

  “I don’t think that I’d order the octopus again. I’m still tasting the tentacles.”

  “Come on, Matt. Did you like her? What did you wear? Are you going out again?”

  “I’m not sure.”

  “I can see I’ll get nowhere fast on this subject. Like most subjects with you. God forbid you spontaneously produce informative dialogue on your own.” She glared at him. “Excuse me, I have to make a phone call about a study group.”

  “At this hour?”

  “College students don’t go to bed until at least three. It’s a college requirement. You sign a contract when you’re accepted.”

  She pulled her cell from her pocket and dialed.

  Dana picked up right away. “Hey. You calling for info on last night?”

  “Of course.”

  “It was interesting.”

  “Elaborate.”

  “What did he say?”

  “I don’t have my notes in front of me. Sorry.”

  “Matt is standing right there, isn’t he?”

  “Absolutely.”

  “We had dinner. He paid, which was nice. It’s true that he’s not physically my type, but I couldn’t have cared less. You know, there’s something rather sexy and mysterious about him. He had excellent manners and was totally sweet and polite. And you were right. He is smart as hell. I don’t know why you’ve never let me come over to the house, because he’s not completely abnormal. Fine, he is a little bit, but I liked him.”

  “So you found the article I gave you helpful. How did the study group end for you?”

  “You want to know if we messed around?”

  “Yes.”

  “He is a delicious kisser.”

  Julie nearly dropped the phone. “I’m sorry. I didn’t quite get your interpretation. I’ve never heard that fact before.”

  “Seriously. He’s totally fantastic. We made out in the car in front of my apartment. He’s got great hands, too. He did this cool thing where he slid his fingers under—”

  “OK, OK. I get the gist. That’s… That’s very good to know. When is the next group getting together?”

  “Oh, lord, I’m not going out with him again.”

  “The study group is losing members?”

  “Hell, yes.”

  “Even after the good grades?”

  “First of all, he talked the entire time. The entire time.”

  “Really? About what?”

  “That leads into the second issue.”

  “Which is?”

  “And before you say anything, no, it wasn’t the Evolution is Following Me shirt.” Dana laughed. “Jules, you have a major problem.”

  “I don’t understand.”

  “You’ll figure it out. That’s all I’m saying. Look he’s a great guy, he’s just not for me. Anyway, I have to go. I’m outside Jamie’s dorm.”

  “Are you kidding me? That sounds like a dumb idea.”

  “Hey, I’m weak. Sue me. I’ll call you tomorrow.”

  Julie hung up. Matt had loaded a new playlist and was tapping his foot. Why had Dana said that thing about his hands? And his kissing? Ugh. How was she ever going to look at him again? She wasn’t supposed to know stuff like that about Matt.

  “Sorry,” she said. “Important stuff about my study group.”

  “Sounded like it. I’m going to get something to drink.” Matt stood up. “And how’s Dana?”

  “Oh.” Julie looked away. His stupid hands seemed to be ridiculously noticeable all of a sudden. “Ahem. She’s fine. Sorry.”

  Julie groaned to herself after Matt stepped out. How mortifying. And now she had to erase the image of him engaging in anything other than pecking at the keyboard, making sandwiches for Celeste, or folding geeky T-shirts.

  Julie heard the house phone ring, and she quickly sat up.

  A few minutes later she heard Matt race down the stairs, and then noises echoed up to his room. What was he doing?

  Julie hurried downstairs. “Matt?”

  She found him in the kitchen, furiously checking all the cubbies on the wall. “Where the hell are my keys?” He touched his jean pockets and then and scanned the countertops.

  “I think they’re hanging by the front door. Where are you going?”

  Matt brushed past her, and she followed him into the hallway.

  He stopped as he grabbed the door handle and then turned around and faced her, furious. “I told you. God damn it, I told you, Julie!” He was screaming at her now.

  She took a step back. She’d never seen him look like this. “What are you talking about?”

  “Rachel’s mother just called from the party. Celeste is having a meltdown.”

  “What happened?” Julie took her sweatshirt off of the coat rack and started to follow him out. “She seemed so sure of herself.”

  “No!” he said pointing at her. “You are not coming with me.”

  “Matt? Please. I can help. I can talk—”

  “No! You did this, I’ll fix it.”

  Matt slammed the door behind him.

  Frantic, she walked back and forth, roaming from room to room. Finn. Finn would know what to do.

  She messaged him, praying he was around.

  Finn, are you there? I screwed up. Really badly. The sleepover I told you about went terribly. Matt is getting her now, and I don’t know what to do. They’ll never forgive me. Maybe you won’t either.

  Finn was nowhere to be found online. Julie couldn’t even remember where he was now. Back in Africa? Yugoslavia? Turkey? Libya? Oh, for Christ’s sake, that wasn’t it. Nobody goes to Libya. She waited another few minutes and then sent another message, her hands shaking as she tried to get the words out:

  Please, Finn. I need you. I don’t know what to do. Maybe you’re angry with me now, too, but tell me how to make this better. Or at least less dreadful.

  Peeking out the window every few minutes was not bringing Celeste home any faster, so she sat on the couch in the living room. Maybe it wasn’t that bad. Matt had a tendency to overreact when it came to his sister. He didn’t give her enough credit. Still, Julie felt her stomach knot up with dread, because as much as she wanted them to get home, she also didn’t want to face them.

  Finally, the Volvo pulled into the driveway. Julie swung the door open and watched as Matt rounded the front of the car and opened the passenger door. She couldn’t stand this, and she looked away for a moment, trying to regroup. Then Matt was walking toward her, Celeste in his arms, an awful mix of rage and fear in his eyes. His sister—her friend—looked like a little kid, her arms around his neck and her head buried in his shirt, her body trembling as she sobbed uncontrollably. The anguish in her crying was crushing.

  Julie’s heart broke.

  Celeste had come undone.

  Chapter 26

  Matt pushed past Julie and carried Celeste up to her room. Julie followed them, but heard the bedroom door shut before she had even reached the landing.

  Flat Finn. He was still in the car. She raced outside and returned with the messenger bag. Outside Celeste’s room, Julie fumbled with the zipper and hoped that this would help a bit. She set Flat Finn onto the carpet and slowly started the process of unfolding him, carefully securing each hinge in the open position. She rubbed her arm across her eyes and moved Flat Finn to standing. As the sobs from behind the door grew louder and more pained, Julie bit her lip and looked at Flat Finn, imagining that the real Finn was here, about to comfort his sister and make this hell disappear.

  You have to come home. You have to come home, she repeated to herself. I know damn well that this is
about more than just missing you, but you have to come home for her.

  Julie slumped to the floor and pulled her legs in, dropping her head down and rhythmically rocking her body. It seemed an eternity until Celeste’s moans subsided, and she could hear Matt’s voice comforting her.

  The door opened, and Julie jerked her head up. “Matt? Oh, God. I don’t know what—”

  He held his hand up. “Don’t say anything to me. She wants to talk to you.”

  She stood up and delicately lifted Flat Finn. He looked so fragile now with all of the hinges. Like a puzzle that had been taped together. Just like Celeste. She walked past Matt and into the bedroom, setting Flat Finn down next to the bed. A head full of blond curls rolled over, and Celeste reached her hand out. Julie took it in her own and knelt down. “I’m so sorry. This is all my fault.” She fought to keep back tears as she brushed the hair from Celeste’s face.

  “I am much better now.” Her voice was surprisingly calm. “Julie, you have nothing to be sorry for. I do. I need to apologize to you.”

  “What? What could you possibly have to apologize for?”

  “I let you down. You must be horribly disappointed in me.”

  “Never. You could never disappoint me. You were so brave. Braver than I am. I just pushed too hard.”

  “No, you did not.” Celeste pulled her blanket up. “You didn’t. I wanted to go.”

  “I know you did. But I made a mistake. It wasn’t the right time. Too many hinges too soon.”

  Celeste yawned and looked at Flat Finn. “No. The hinges are debonair, but folded-up, hidden Finn is not always the same. Especially at night. The night appears to be the hardest for me without him. For now. He makes me feel better, Julie. I understand that his sort is not for everybody, but I find him comforting.”

  Julie nodded. “I know. I find his sort comforting, too, if you can believe it.”

  “I do. Now, I must get some sleep. Please tell Matty that I really am less convoluted. I am significantly calmer.”

  “I will.” Julie leaned in and hugged Celeste tightly. “I’ll see you in the morning.” She let herself out, blowing kisses from the doorway, as though she were tucking in a small child.

  Matt was leaning against the wall in the hallway, his expression icy and distant. “Stay away from me. I can’t deal with you right now.”

  “Matt…” Julie pleaded.

  “I swear to God, don’t talk to me now. Don’t.”

  “I’m so sorry. You have no idea.”

  “I don’t want to hear it. I don’t want to hear anything from you.”

  “Matt, you know I love Celeste, and I would never have done anything to hurt her.”

  “Well, you did.”

  “If you would just let me explain again why—”

  “You don’t stop, do you? You want to get into this? Fine. Let’s get into it. You thought you could just show up here and insinuate yourself into our lives? You can’t. And you also can’t act like I’m the bad guy. Like everything I do for her is somehow totally brainless.” He moved so that he was facing her, placing his body inches from hers. “I’ve busted my ass to keep Celeste in a stable place, and you just ruined it. You ruined her. God, Julie. You’re here for a few months, and you think that you know what is right for Celeste? Nobody asked you to fix anything. You can’t.” He ran his hands through his hair as he continued to unleash on her. “You can’t change this. And your constant reminders that you think we’re all completely crazy are not helpful. Do you get that? What is wrong with you? Don’t you have your own life to attend to? Or is this how you make yourself feel better about your crappy father, huh? You excuse the way he treats you for no good reason, and you love him based on nothing more than a few lousy emails a year.”

  His words cut deeply. “That’s not fair.” Julie felt herself breathing hard as she tried to deal with his anger. His disgust.

  “It is fair. And Celeste is not your job. We’re not your job. We’re not your family.”

  “I know that. I never… I never said you were.” Julie knew her lip was trembling, but she was not going to cry in front of Matt again.

  “And you know what the most unbelievable part of this is? I listened to you! I knew better, and yet I let you barrel ahead and do what you wanted anyway. I’m the one to blame for what happened tonight.”

  Julie shook her head. “No, Matt. I know I did this. I’m sorry. Please know that. I couldn’t possibly feel worse. But don’t you see that Celeste can’t spend the rest of her life avoiding the real world? And neither can you.”

  “Why not, huh?” He was still shouting, and Julie winced with each word. “The real world sucks for her.”

  “What about for you?”

  “Sometimes, yes.”

  “So when are you going to start living, Matt?” Now she was the one screaming. “You’re taking the easy way out. You use Celeste as an excuse to do nothing except drown in theories and calculations. You bury yourself online and—”

  “You’re one to talk about burying oneself online.” His laugh had a nasty, horrible tone. “I’m taking the easy way out? I’m not fawning over someone I’ve never met, someone who isn’t even here. You’re the one playing it safe because you’re too afraid of something real.”

  “Don’t go there,” Julie said sharply.

  “Now who’s the one with boundaries, huh?” He started walking back and forth. “When it comes to Celeste, you don’t even know what you’re dealing with, so stay out of it.”

  “No, I don’t know what I’m dealing with. I don’t understand anything, because none of you will tell me! Why are your parents never here?” she exploded. “Why does she have Flat Finn? Why won’t you tell me?”

  “I can’t, Julie! I just can’t! It’s none of your business. How many times do you have to hear it?”

  She looked helplessly at Matt. She’d never seen him like this. “OK. OK. I’m done.” She held her hands up. “I’m out of it. I just… I just wanted to help. I shouldn’t have.” She was quieter now, giving in. “You’re right. You handle this however you want.”

  “Obviously, Julie, you don’t like the way I do things, and you don’t like me the way I am. Fine. I could care less. But stop trying to change me. You don’t get to pick which parts of me you find acceptable to your standards and throw away what you don’t. I’ll never be what you want. You don’t like me? Then stay out of my life.”

  She was so confused. This conversation was all over the place, and she didn’t even know what was happening. “How could you say that? I do like you, Matt.”

  He turned away and walked toward his room. “I’m exhausted. You’re exhausting me.”

  “Matt, please—”

  “Go to hell, Julie.”

  Frozen, Julie could not move from her spot in the hall. She could barely breathe. What had happened? How could Matt have said all those things?

  Maybe she had been pushy and nosy and should have left things alone. Just because she was staying in their house didn’t mean she had the right to needle into their affairs. Truly, her intention had never been to be intrusive or disrespectful. But she obviously had. Her professor had pointed this out to her, too. Why do you have to be the fixer?

  She didn’t. She shouldn’t. She was just a guest here. A boarder, a babysitter, a driver.

  Eventually she found herself in her room, lying on top of the blankets, unable to sleep. Finn’s room felt different now, empty and lonely. Her emotions were on overload, and the sounds of Celeste’s cries and Matt’s awful words echoed in her head.

  He could be right about her father. It was true that she had given him far too many chances, only for him to prove over and over again that he was a dreadful parent. He had never given her any real reason to love him. But she had.

  It was different with Finn, though. Matt was wrong about him. He did care about her.

  She checked the clock. It was almost four in the morning. The night had been so peaceful until that phone call. Now everythi
ng was in shambles.

  After another forty-five minutes of anxiety-ridden attempts to sleep, she gave up. She checked her computer, and there were no messages from Finn. Of all the times for him to disappear. Her heart ached. She missed him and needed him now. Summer couldn’t come fast enough. Finn would be here, and he’d stay here. And Celeste would be better. Maybe not completely, but she would be better.

  Roaming the room and staring out the window at the night sky got her nowhere. She couldn’t tolerate this. She hated fighting. It made clear thought impossible for her. Everything was in chaos.

  Julie left her room and went into the dark hallway. She hesitated for a moment before she knocked lightly. There was no response. She couldn’t stop herself and opened the door anyway. “Matt?”

  Julie walked softly across the floor and sat down on the edge of his bed. “Matty,” she said.

  The moonlight was enough that she could see he was awake, just not answering her. He was on his back, one hand folded under his head and the other resting on his chest. He turned to look at her. At least he looked as miserable as she felt.

  “I’m sorry. Please. You have to forgive me.” Her voice was breaking. She knew that she was on the verge of falling apart, but she couldn’t help it. “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry,” she kept repeating. “Matty, please. You can’t be this mad at me. I can’t take it.” Julie leaned forward, dropping her head onto his chest and slipping her arms under his shoulders, trying to make him hold her. The Matt she’d seen earlier tonight had been a stranger. She hugged him tightly, wanting nothing more than for him to come back to her, to be himself again.

  A few minutes passed, and then she felt his hand on the back of her head, gently stroking her hair. She closed her eyes.

  “Shhh…” he said. “I’m the one that’s sorry. I didn’t mean any of the things I said to you. You didn’t deserve that.”

  Julie turned her head, resting her cheek against him and listening to his breathing. His voice was soothing, his touch relaxing, and Julie’s pain began to lighten a hint. She didn’t know what to say, so she said nothing, staying where she was as his hand continued to move through her hair and then to her back. He lulled her into a place where nothing hurt anymore, and this whole dreadful evening started to feel like a nightmare that she was coming out of. His stroke traveled over the straps of her tank top, brushing against her skin, making her shiver and curl into him more.