by M. Katherton
“Why wont you tell us what’s going on? I heard Mommy crying in the middle of the night and then they left. They wouldn’t leave in the middle of the night if everything was okay.”
I took a deep breath. If she had heard the crying I was surprised she hadn’t heard Mom tell me that grandpa was in the hospital. Part of me wanted to give in and take her back home but she needed to go to school.
“I’ll tell you after school, okay? Right now you need to go in there.”
The tardy bell blared, making her officially late for school. She still didn’t budge from the back seat though.
“Macy, please don’t do this. We’ll talk about it later. I promise.”
She glanced up at me with tears in her blue eyes, revealing that her stubbornness had just been a front for being upset.
“What is it, May?” I sighed.
“Please, Jess. I really don’t want to go. I’m scared.” She admitted, tears escaping her eyes and rolling down her round cheeks. At first I thought she had been faking to get out of school but this confirmed it was real to me. Macy was a drama queen but she wasn’t a crier. Mom would kill me for letting her stay home but I would be cruel to send my sister to school like this.
“Okay. Let’s go home.”
When we got back to the house, I called Macy’s school pretending to be Mom and told them she was sick then called my own school and did the same. I then fixed Macy the toast she wanted earlier and explained to her in nine-year-old terms that Grandpa was in the hospital because he had a heart attack and that was why her parents left in the middle of the night.
"Is he gonna be okay?" She croaked, the tears in full swing again.
"I don't know, May." I answered honestly. "I hope so but I can't promise anything.
"This isn't fair."
"I know."
We sat wordless for a few minutes as Macy silently cried, processing the unfortunate reality that life sucked sometimes. When she got a hold of herself, I asked,
"Anything you want to do to take your mind off of it? We could watch a movie or something."
"Okay." She agreed, scrolling through our digital library multiple times before settling on Inside Out.
Letting my sister cut school wasn’t my proudest moment. Neither was cutting school myself. I was glad to have her here though. Though I had intended to come home and have a good cry after dropping them off, I had to be strong for Macy. Maybe Grandpa would pull through. He had to.
Saturday, February 2nd, 2019
Mom and Ross asked me to take Macy to her dance competition so they could be at the hospital with Grandpa. Though on Thursday Macy seemed ecstatic about her first competition, this morning I struggled to get her out of bed. She claimed she was tired and didn’t want to go but I gave her a mom-like spiel about how her teammates were counting on her and how she would feel better once she got there. When she finally obliged, I piled her and her giant suitcase of dance costumes, props, and makeup in my car. Carol across the street was nice enough to watch Spencer for the day, taking a little of the stress of my shoulders.
Accompanying Macy to a dance competition wasn’t as simple as driving her to a high school and sitting in the audience. I had to help her do her makeup and hair and make sure her costumes were on correctly and in the right order. Today she had three large group numbers, a small group, and a solo. Macy was visibly tired after yesterday so I caked extra concealer under her eyes and hoped she could fake being chipper for the day.
Most of the dance parents didn’t speak to me, most likely because they disapproved of my mother not being here, completely unaware of the current circumstances. However, Heidi, the mom of a younger girl on the team named Lara, was nice enough to give me a copy she had of the schedule and made sure Macy had everything she needed.
The group dances were first. I didn’t know anything about dance but my eyes were drawn to Macy the whole time and she looked beautiful. She smiled like she had never been happier and anyone on the outside wouldn’t be able to tell she had a rough past twenty-four hours. However, once the group dances were finished and it was time for her solo, I could tell she had had enough.
“I don’t want to do it.” She mumbled as I pulled the white flowy costume out of the garment bag. “I’m tired.”
“Come on, May. Just one more dance. You have to.” I encouraged, knowing she would feel better once she had her costume on and got onstage.
She shrugged, glancing over at Zoey practicing turns across the dressing room, wearing the blue sequined costume I saw Rebecca working on at rehearsal that looked twice as expensive as Macy’s. I figured Macy feared Zoey would beat her and wanted to bow out gracefully before that happened. I wasn’t letting her take the easy way out though. Macy was getting on that stage.
“It doesn’t matter if you don’t win. It’ll be good practice for future competitions. You need to get out there though. Just do your best.”
Macy sighed and sulked off to put on her costume. She might hate me for it now but would thank me later. As I waited for her to come back so I could help her get her headpiece in, I checked my phone to find four unread texts from my dad.
2:01 PM: At Starbucks. Wearing red polo shirt and blue hat. You here yet?
2:11 PM: You meant this Saturday right? Stickham and Wolfe?
2:25 PM: I’ll wait five more minutes and if you aren’t here I’m gonna go.
2:31 PM: Was this supposed to be a prank or a joke? Did Vanessa put you up to this? Are you even really my daughter or is this someone from high school trying to get the last laugh? Nice try. I’m done.
My heart plunged into my stomach. I had been so preoccupied about my grandpa and Macy’s dance competition that I had completely forgotten I was supposed to meet my dad today. It was almost four o’clock now. I didn’t know whether to apologize or let it go and give up on meeting my biological father. His final text hinted Mom was right about his temper.
“Jess?” Macy’s voice interrupted me as I stared numbly at my phone. I blinked a few times to suppress the tears before looking up at her. If I couldn’t hold it together, she might also fall apart and not make it onstage.
“Yeah?” My voice wobbled.
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.” I answered quickly, not wanting to mislead her into thinking something was wrong with Grandpa. I picked up the white flower crown headpiece to pin into her hair, praying to whatever god might possibly exist that it wouldn’t fall off and cause my sister to resent me forever. I accidentally stabbed her with the bobby pin multiple times as tears blurred my vision but somehow I managed to keep it all inside. Once Macy headed backstage with her coach and teammates and the other parents trailed out to the auditorium to get seats, I put my head down on the makeup table and sobbed. I had blown it with my dad. He had never even met me and probably now never would.
I got myself together in time to go back to the audience to watch Macy’s solo. After succumbing to the stress, she didn’t dance as cleanly as she usually did and fell out of one of her turns. She ended up placing ninth, three spots below Zoey. Macy thankfully took the loss in stride, exhibiting way more grace and composure than I had today. However, when the rest of the team decided to go out for pizza after the competition, she asked me if we could just go home instead.
Mom and Ross were both on the couch when we got home, visibly tired. I went upstairs and left Macy to give them all the details of the day, fearing if I stood before them for too long that I would break down. I curled up under my covers and sobbed for the loss of my dad. Though technically I lost him over seventeen years ago when he wanted Mom to get an abortion and she broke it off, today it felt real and final.
Mom knocked on my door about half an hour later. I didn’t answer in hopes that she might go away but she entered anyway, surprised to find me sniffling under my covers. She sat on the edge of my bed and pet my hair gently.
“What’s going on, sweetheart?”
I buried my head in my pillow, unable to look a
t her. She could never know what really happened.
“Jessica,” She whispered. “Talk to me. What happened?”
I just sobbed, her comfort only making me feel worse. She wouldn’t comfort me if she knew I had tried to meet my father behind her back. Therefore, I gave her a generic, “this is all too much.”
Predictably, she misinterpreted this as me being worried about my grandpa and stressed about having to look after my siblings.
“I know, sweetie. It’s been hard for me too. And I’ve put a lot of responsibility on you to look after the kids. But don’t worry. Ross made arrangements for his parents to take them tomorrow. You can visit Grandpa at the hospital if you want to. He’s doing a lot better and in good spirits. Or you can stay home and rest if that's what you need to do. It’s up to you.”
I continued to blubber despite needing to pretend that a day off from babysitting would solve all my problems. Mom sat beside me and continued rubbing my back, finally giving up on trying to talk through to me. If only she knew what I had done.
Monday, February 4th, 2019
“What’s up with you, Jessica? You’re not yourself.” Kendra noticed at lunch, likely picking up on my still-swollen eyes and somber mood. She had texted me on Friday to ask why I wasn’t at school but I didn’t answer, too preoccupied with my mess of a life to worry about her.
“My grandpa had a heart attack.” I answered bluntly, hoping placing that card on the table would get her off my back.
Her blue eyes widened as if I had told her that her own grandpa was in the hospital. Instead of offering sympathy, she exclaimed, “Jess! Why didn’t you tell me?!”
I shrugged, not bold enough to tell her that the health of my family was none of her business. If I told her about my grandpa, she would spin it to talk about herself and how her mom died of lung cancer and how I was lucky it was just my grandpa and not my mom. Therefore, I didn’t tell her things. It was just easier that way.
“Is he okay?”
“Yeah. Recovering from surgery in the hospital now.”
“Well, I’m sorry.” She offered half-heartedly, dipping her overcooked cafeteria corndog in a giant pile of ketchup on her plastic tray.
“It’s okay.”
We sat quietly for approximately thirty seconds before Kendra diverged into talking about herself again. Apparently Chase and Faith had broken up so she blabbed on about how Chase had used Faith for sex and how she knew they wouldn’t last. I half-listened to Kendra as I watched Emelia eat at the cheerleader table, not sneaking off campus for lunch today for whatever reason. I wondered if she would have been more empathetic had she not turned into a completely different person. As she ate fries off of Grace Baldwin's lunch tray, I reminisced back to our sleepovers in middle school where we stayed up all night telling secrets and stories, promising we would be best friends forever.
“Jessica!” Kendra snapped, interrupting my daydream about my ex-best friend. “God, can you not focus for five minutes?”
“What? Sorry.”
“I was saying that I’m going to the movies on Friday night with Lana and Valerie. We’re gonna see that Valentine’s movie about the old man and the college girl and make fun of it. Wanna come?”
Since I often had to look after my siblings or pretended I had to because I didn’t want to go out, Kendra often tagged along with Lana and her best friend. I had hung out with Lana and Valerie a few times before and they were nice. However, Kendra tried so hard to be the cool older stepsister despite that she and Lana were only about six months apart. Kendra always gave them unsolicited advice about dating and school, causing me to suffer second-hand embarrassment. Lana seemed to be used to it by now but I got vibes from Valerie that she didn’t care much for when Kendra tagged along.
“I can’t. I have plans.”
She chuckled as if it was some obscure thought that I had something to do on a Friday night. “What? Staying at home and reading a book?”
“No. I’m going bowling.”
“Bowling?” She scrunched up her face like I had told her I was going to pick up garbage off the side of the highway. “With who?”
“Macy and Spencer. They’ve been begging to go for a long time.” I lied, not willing to admit to her I was actually going to scope out my dad’s bowling team.
Kendra eyeballed me suspiciously, probably hoping I would crack and tell her my real plans. I stared down at my chicken sandwich, unable to look at her. Though there were still five minutes left in the lunch period, Kendra picked up her tray and got up from the table.
“Alright, Jessica. Whatever you want me to believe. If you don’t want to hang out, you can just tell me. No reason to make up bullshit excuses about babysitting.” She then pranced off, leaving me alone at the table like the stereotypical loser in a cheesy high school movie.
Tuesday, February 5th, 2019
Not up for braving Kendra at lunch, I went to the library instead. I logged onto a computer and did more research on the Strike After Strike bowling team. Their Instagram page claimed that fans and spectators were welcome and contained a list of competition dates. I didn’t know how my dad would react to me showing up at his bowling league, especially after accidentally ditching him on Saturday, so I figured I would go and observe him a few times before introducing myself.
“Big bowling fan?” A dude at the computer next to me with shoulder length brown hair and a full face of acne questioned. His voice startled me even though I had absolutely nothing to hide from this complete stranger.
“Oh. Um, not particularly. Just looking for someone that bowls.”
“My brother Garen bowls on the Bowling for Vegetable Soup team at Sunshine Bowling. They compete against Strike After Strike sometimes.”
“Do you ever go to the matches?”
“Sometimes. My brother sometimes gets drunk and I have to take him home. Plus, I’m a fill-in if anyone can’t make it. Bowled last Friday when Jerry had the flu.”
“Are you going this Friday?” I didn’t know if asking this dude I had just met to essentially be my date to the bowling alley was too forward but anything was better than going alone.
“Maybe. Though if you’re going, then definitely.”
I didn’t know if he was hitting on me or just friendly but right now it didn’t matter. I couldn’t take anyone I knew with me but perhaps going with someone who knew nothing about me wouldn’t hurt anything.
“I’ll be there. I’m trying to find my dad. He bowls for Strike After Strike. I’ve never met him. I don’t know if he’ll want to see me or if I’ll actually introduce myself, but I want to at least see what he’s like.”
Ryan nodded, not asking a thousand questions about my situation like Kendra would. “Well, if you live around here we could ride together. I’ll drive.”
“Okay.” I agreed, disregarding the thousands of times my mom had told me to never get in the car with strangers. “But maybe you should tell me your name first.”
“I’m Ryan. And you are?”
“Jessica.”
We exchanged phone numbers and more information about ourselves. Ryan was a senior, had an orange cat named Garfield, and had moved to Texas last school year from Maryland. He seemed relatively harmless. Going to the bowling alley with a guy I had met in the school library couldn’t be any more dangerous than showing up at my estranged biological father’s bowling match uninvited.
Friday, February 8th, 2019
When I told Mom I was going bowling with a friend from school she thankfully bought it without further question. She had been so preoccupied with Grandpa that my whereabouts were not a priority for her right now. Grandpa was released from the hospital a day earlier, so she spent the day over there helping my grandma take care of him. Therefore, when Ryan came to pick me up, I didn’t have to ask him to park down the street to avoid Mom looking out the window and seeing a boy in the driver’s seat.
Ryan listened to Red Hot Chili Peppers as I climbed into the passenger seat of his old
beat up pickup truck. I didn’t recognize the particular song but Californication was one of Mom’s go-to driving songs so I would recognize the lead singer’s voice anywhere. Ryan looked exactly the same as he had in the library the day I met him: side parted shoulder length wavy hair, black t-shirt, and baggy jeans. Though I had only met him one time, I had no worries about getting in the car alone with him.
We small talked about school, classes, and teachers we had taken for most of the twenty-minute drive to Sunshine Bowling. Ryan transferred to Seaview last year after moving in with his older brother. He grew up in Maryland with his mom but once she remarried a guy with four kids, he decided to move to Texas to live with Garen, his older brother on his dad’s side. After giving me his life story, he inquired about what brought me to the bowling alley to see my father. I felt like it was only fair to reciprocate.
“My mom had me when she was seventeen. She and my father left off on bad terms and I never met him. Recently I found him online and reached out to him and we made plans to meet for coffee but I had a family emergency and had to look after my siblings and completely forgot about it. He showed up and waited for me and when I didn’t show, he sent me texts accusing me of pranking him. I haven’t talked to him since but I know he bowls for Strike After Strike so I figured I’d come scope him out.”
“Wow.” He commented on my mess of a story. “You’re way braver than I would be. I only see my dad a few times a year but damn. I couldn’t imagine not knowing him at all.”
“I don’t know if I’ll actually talk to him. I just want to see what he’s like before deciding if I should try to fix what I ruined.”
Despite barely knowing Ryan, his presence was comforting. Though I had just met him, I felt like we had been friends for years. He was so laid-back and easy to talk to, a huge contrast from Kendra.
