by M. Katherton
“Why are you smiling at your phone?” Spencer accused, possibly a future lawyer or psychologist with his behavioral observations. “You have a boyfriend!”
“I don’t have a boyfriend.” I insisted, picking up the die and softly tossing it at him. “Roll. It’s your turn.”
Hopefully Spencer wouldn’t blab to Mom about my supposed boyfriend. She would go all out with the sex talk due to her disproportionate fear that I would end up being a teen mom like her. I didn’t plan to tell her about Ryan unless things actually got serious.
Friday, February 15th, 2019
I once again tried to feed Mom the ‘friend from school’ excuse as I prepared for my sort-of date with Ryan but after the frequent use of that excuse in recent weeks, she was suspicious.
“Is it a boy?” She questioned as I came down the stairs dressed in a black lacy long sleeve shirt and ripped jeans.
“What?” I played dumb.
“This friend you keep hanging out with.” She clarified, making air quotes around the word friend. “Is it a boy?”
“Maybe…” I hinted, the redness in my cheeks giving me away.
“Jess!” She squealed excitedly. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I don’t know if it will turn into anything.”
She looked at me like I was full of shit. “Come on. This is at least your second date.”
“I just met him. I don’t even know if he wants to date. Right now we’re just friends.”
“Alright,” Mom sighed, obviously not believing me. “But if it gets serious, I want to meet him. At least tell me his name.”
“Ryan.”
As if on cue, my phone buzzed with a text from him claiming he was outside. I feared Mom might follow me out and try to meet him but thankfully she didn’t. She probably watched out the window and then went through my Facebook friends looking for him although Ryan didn’t have any social media. If things happened, I would tell her. It was too soon to get her hopes up though.
We saw a children’s movie about a dog and cat lost in an amusement park, the only non-Valentine’s Day related movie showing. We sat in the back row behind all the parents with small children fighting over popcorn and spilling their sodas. We started off the night as two platonic friends in our own respective chairs, occasionally touching hands accidentally when we reached for the communal extra butter popcorn at the same time. However, as the movie progressed, Ryan lifted the armrest between us and draped his arm around my shoulder.
We cuddled for most of the movie, probably getting dirty looks from the parents who brought their children but it was too dark to tell. Towards the end of the film, as Dino the Dog and Rex the Cat stowed away in a family’s mini-van after their day at the amusement park, Ryan placed a hand on my cheek then placed his lips over mine. Though it caught me off guard, I kissed back. Once he realized I hadn’t pushed him away or tried to stop him, he stuck his tongue in my mouth.
It had been about two years since I had my last kiss with Rory Chang, a boy I dated for a few weeks in ninth grade and accompanied to his theatre banquet. Rory was an animal and we only ended up together because Kendra set us up. His breath tasted like banana laffy taffy and he never seemed to come up for air. After just three weeks of dating, he invited me over to his house when his parents weren’t home and tried to get me to have sex with him. Being young and insecure and having Mom’s sex talks permanently stuck in my head, I didn’t do it. He broke up with me shortly afterward because he "just wasn't feeling it" and started dating a girl named Christa who was known as one of the school sluts and likely gave him what he wanted.
Kissing Ryan felt good though. Though he was a bit of a loner, he clearly had prior experience because he was great at it. Eventually I would have to re-watch the movie if I wanted to learn Dino and Rex’s fate because we were too busy to watch the ending.
“So if those rumors keep going around and people ask me if you’re my boyfriend, should I tell them yes?” I asked on the drive back.
“Is that okay with you?”
“That’s great with me.” I answered. He smiled and took his right hand off the steering wheel to hold my left hand. Though I should have kept quiet to enjoy the moment, I blurted out, “you’ll have to meet my mom then.”
“Well, I’ve already met your dad so I guess it’s only natural for me to meet your mom too.”
“You just can’t ever tell her that you’ve met my dad. Especially that you met him first.”
“Gotcha.”
When Ryan dropped me off at home, Mom and Ross were in the living room watching TV. The exuberance must have been written all over my face because Mom called me over to join them.
“How’d it go?” She quizzed.
“Good.” I giggled, causing Mom and Ross to exchange glances.
“Good. When do I get to meet him?”
“Soon.” I promised. Ross got up to make sure the kids were in bed, probably knowing Mom wanted to dive into a sex talk and he didn't want to be involved.
“I’m so happy for you, Jess. But remember, you don’t need to rush into anything you’re not ready for.”
“I know, I know.”
“Because you know you’re one of the best things that ever happened to me but becoming a mom at seventeen was the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life.”
“I know. It’ll be a long time before Ryan and I are ready for sex.” I told her though I wondered how long he would be willing to wait for me after how passionately he kissed me in the movie theatre tonight.
“That’s fine. But if or when it gets to that point, don’t be afraid to come to me. I’ll get you condoms, answer questions, whatever you need. I just want you to be safe, okay? I want you to go to college and get married and have financial stability before you have any kids, okay?”
“Okay.”
She leaned in and hugged me tightly. “You’re dismissed. Unless there’s anything you want to talk about now.”
“I’m good.” I assured then headed upstairs to get ready for bed, though I was still so wound up from tonight that I probably wouldn’t fall asleep for a while.
Now that Mom knew about Ryan, I could use him as my excuse to leave the house when I was actually going to meet my dad at Starbucks on Sunday. Maybe I could be upfront with Mom about my relationship with Ryan, but there was still another part of my life she could never know about.
Sunday, February 17th, 2019
My fingers tingled with anxiety as I waited for my dad at Starbucks. The smell of freshly brewed coffee usually comforted me but today it just made me nauseous. I didn’t have a reason to be this nervous. We had already met and he seemed like a good guy. However, as it bordered on one o’clock and he still wasn’t here, I worried he stood me up. Maybe he wanted to get even after last time or decided he was creeped out by my surprise visit to the bowling alley. However, three minutes later, he ambled in with a baby carrier in tow. My already high heartrate doubled again. Not only was my dad here but so was my half-brother.
“Sorry I’m late.” He apologized, setting the baby carrier and a diaper bag down in a chair across from me. “My wife had plans so I had to bring the kid. This is Taylor.”
Taylor slept soundly in the carrier, dressed in a fleece blue baseball onesie. He had the tiniest little fingers and was absolutely adorable. Though I had half-siblings from my mom who felt like real siblings since we spent so much time together, I couldn’t believe I had another brother.
“I’m gonna go get coffee. What will you have?” My dad asked. Though the anxiety had diminished my appetite, I requested a caramel macchiato anyway. He left Taylor at the table with me and though I knew enough about babies to spring into action if I had to, I hoped he would sleep soundly until our dad came back. Our dad. I had never shared a dad with anyone before.
When my dad returned to the table a few minutes later with a caramel macchiato for me and a Caffè Americano for himself, we filled each other in on the past seventeen years. I told him all abou
t my family and how Mom had married Ross and that I had two half-siblings. He told me about Caroline and how they had been together for ten years and married for almost eight and that she was a middle school social studies teacher, something I pretended was new information to me.
“Does she know about me?” I braved, hoping the question wasn’t too invasive.
“Yeah, she’s known since the beginning.” He shrugged as if fathering a child he’d never met wasn’t a major deal. “Of course she thought it was a little lame that I hadn’t ever been a part of your life. Trust me, I wanted to. And I tried a few times, but Vanessa always shut me down. I even reached out to her once I got my first grown up job after college and offered to pay child support and she told me to never contact her again so I gave up.”
Mom never told me that my dad had tried to reach out. She made it seem like they hadn’t had contact since the day he encouraged her to get an abortion and she decided she was done with him.
“I tried to come visit you at the hospital when you were born. However, Vanessa had a fit and your grandparents asked me to leave. I caught a quick glimpse of you in the little glass box and that was the last I saw of you until the other night.”
“I’m sorry she wouldn’t let you see me.” I apologized, feeling guilty knowing that he had apparently tried to be in my life but was blockaded by my mother.
“It’s not your fault. Things between me and your mom were just really complicated. I understand where she was coming from but that didn't make it any less painful.”
I nodded, fully aware that to this day my mother still wanted nothing to do with him.
“I have to say though. I’m pleasantly surprised. I always worried about you and wondered what became of you. It seems like she got it together though and gave you a good life.”
I nodded again. Mom stepped up to the plate and made the best of being of a teen mom. Had I been bolder, I would have questioned his desire for wanting her to abort the pregnancy but we were having a nice time and I wasn’t going to jeopardize that.
“So I’m curious, what made you want to reach out? I’m so happy you did, but you don’t need a kidney or three thousand dollars or anything, right?” My dad eventually asked.
“I don’t need anything.” I chuckled. “I just felt like something was missing in my life. So I found one of Mom’s old yearbooks and you were the only person…” I almost admitted that he was scribbled out but caught myself. “That looked like a person in a photo I saw at a Valentine’s dance. Then I asked my aunt Kathleen about it and she confirmed it was you.”
“Well, I’m glad you reached out. I always hoped you would one day but I doubted Vanessa would approve.”
“She doesn’t know.” I admitted, hoping he wouldn’t give me some spiel about how I should tell her because he didn’t want to come between us. Thankfully he didn’t.
He showed me pictures of Caroline, his parents, and his brother and his family and claimed he wanted me to meet them all soon. We must have sat in Starbucks for at least two hours catching up until Taylor started fussing and my dad decided to take him home. I couldn’t have asked for anything more. After years of wondering, I finally got to spend time with him. For the first time in my life, I finally felt whole.
Monday, February 18th, 2019
Ryan and I walked hand in hand through the cafeteria at lunch time, showcasing our new relationship to the school. Maybe I owed Kendra a thank you for starting the rumors that encouraged Ryan to ask me on a proper date. It was too cold to eat outside so we scored a table by the windows on the opposite side of the cafeteria from where I used to eat with Kendra.
I told Ryan all about seeing my dad and Taylor at Starbucks. He listened intently, nodded at all the appropriate times, and asked occasional non-invasive questions. After years of friendship with Kendra, it was foreign to have someone who didn’t constantly change the subject to focus on themselves or try to one-up me. Just as I wrapped up telling Ryan about how my dad wanted me to meet the rest of his family, someone slid into the empty chair beside me.
“Aren’t you going to introduce us?” Kendra insisted as if we hadn’t left off on weird terms the last time we had spoke. She looked across the table at Ryan as I stared at her in disbelief.
“Hi, I’m Ryan.” Ryan extended his hand across the table as I sat there frozen. Kendra shook it reluctantly, possibly afraid his grunginess was contagious.
“Kendra. I’m Jessica’s best friend.”
Hearing her self-identify as my best friend after leaving me alone at the table two weeks ago shocked me. Maybe now that I had a boyfriend she felt I was worthy enough of friendship and wanted to weasel back into my life.
“Now I see why you’ve been ignoring me.” She turned to me, having no inhibitions about discussing our failing friendship in front of someone she had just met. “Romance has been brewing. Why didn’t you tell me? I could’ve helped.”
“I don’t have to tell you everything.” I defended, my voice trembling.
She rolled her sea blue eyes and tossed her long, blonde braid over her shoulder. “You never tell me anything, Jessica. I’ve always been super open and honest with you yet you’re always keeping secrets from me.”
If she thought that Ryan was the biggest secret I had then she was in for a surprise if she ever found out about my dad. I wanted to assert that she had made it clear we were no longer friends when she ditched me at the lunch table after I told her about my grandpa’s heart attack but I didn’t want to hash it all out in front of Ryan. He might change his mind about me if he thought I came with such crazy baggage.
“Can we not do this now?” I muttered.
“Fine. I’ll leave you love birds alone.” She sang and stood up from the table, not bothering to push in her plastic chair. She then looked me dead in the eyes and muttered, “use condoms” before prancing off.
“Wow.” Ryan commented once Kendra disappeared off into the crowded cafeteria.
“Sorry about her.” I apologized, wishing some magic secret passageway would open in the tile floor and suck me away from this humiliation. “We’ve been on weird terms lately. And she’s just weird in general. Sorry.”
“It’s fine.” He chuckled. “Just caught me off guard. It’s like she thinks she owns you or something.”
Kendra had always been possessive of me. She thought she entitled to know everything about me and thought it was her job to evaluate and critique my life choices. Within the last year she had tried to convince me to put blonde highlights in my hair because “brown is boring”, date numerous guys because she thought I needed to get out there, and get a matching cat tattoo with her when we turned eighteen school next year. In the past, I let her controlling behaviors slide because she was one of my only friends but that didn’t matter anymore. I was done. Being friendless was better than being friends with Kendra.
After school, I went up to my room and worked on my English homework – questions about Of Mice and Men – while The Office played on TV in the background. Mom constantly nagged me about how doing homework while watching TV wasn’t effective but I couldn’t work in silence. About half an hour into my homework, my bedroom door burst open. I expected Spencer since he was the only person in the household that didn’t knock but instead it was Kendra violating my personal space once again.
“What are you doing here?” I growled, my voice chillier than the February weather outside.
“You didn’t want to talk in front of what’s-his-face so I’m here now.”
“Ryan.” I corrected though I was certain what’s-his-face was meant to be a dig and that she hadn’t actually forgotten his name. “There’s nothing to talk about. You left me alone at the lunch table then today just barged in like you were my mother. You can’t have it both ways, Kendra.”
“You were the one that never came back to the lunch table!” She argued. “I waited for you the next day! I sat alone like a loser the entire lunch period, waiting for you, ready to apologize! But I guess not
! You were probably off in the parking lot banging in Ryan’s grungy car!”
“Whatever.” I scowled, not having the energy to fight her on the sex accusation. “I don’t have to eat lunch with you every day. Especially not after you stormed off like that. My grandpa was in the hospital and all you cared about was yourself! Sorry but sometimes there are more important things than listening to your unresolved feelings about Chase!”
She rolled her eyes, fidgeting with a cat shaped stress ball on my dresser that Spencer had bought me for Christmas from the dollar store. “You never listen to me! You’re always daydreaming and off in your own world! You need to get tested for ADD or something!”
“I don’t have ADD!” I retorted, though I did have some doubts after I got distracted mid-way through Mr. Wallace’s psychology lesson about ADD by the rattling of the flagpole outside a few weeks ago. “Maybe sometimes I just don’t want to hear about your obsessions with guys or your theatre drama!”
Kendra physically stepped back, startled by my assertiveness. Usually I went along with her annoyingness for harmony’s sake but she had pushed me to my limit and I couldn’t tolerate it anymore. She had crossed the line when she approached me at lunch and now showed up uninvited at my house. Her anger faded into sadness and instead of the livid drama queen she had been minutes earlier, she now looked like a small child that had dropped its ice cream cone on the ground.
“Fine. If that’s really how you feel.” She whimpered, sulking out of my bedroom and possibly out of my life forever.
Mom made porkchops and broccoli for dinner which predictably got complaints from Spencer who claimed broccoli tasted like feet. Macy, who had the night off from dance, was in a bad mood after arguing with Mom about her math homework and Mom and Ross just seemed tired in general. Therefore, I tried to fake happiness in order to not contribute to the negativity. I offered to do the dishes, which Mom graciously took me up on. As I loaded the final plate into the dishwasher and she wiped down the table, she finally asked,
