After The Flesh

by Colin Gallant

  Freddy shook his head. “I never really thought about it. There’s nothing wrong with you,” he tried, “I mean, you’re beautiful and smart and all.” He shrugged, trying not to blush.

  Nancy sighed, her expression that of a young girl. “You think I’m beautiful?”

  “Of course.”

  “No one has called me beautiful in – God! I can’t remember the last time.” She looked at him across the table a long time without speaking. Something in her expression, some whimsy reminded him of her daughter. Finally, she lowered her eyes to stare into her coffee cup. “Carrie and I talked about everything,” she told him. “We’ve always had that kind of relationship. We’ve never had any secrets.”

  Freddy lowered his own gaze. He was thinking about all the things they had done that her mother would definitely not approve of.

  “I was almost positive because of what had happened to her she would have shied away from any close relationships. I certainly never encouraged it.” She rolled her eyes. “That’s a lie, I guess. I put you two together from the start.”

  Freddy met her gaze with one he hoped was more playful than embarrassed. “What did Carrie tell you?”

  “She told me about your first kiss. That was a big deal to her.”

  “I stepped on her foot,” Freddy admitted.

  Nancy smirked. “She told me. She also told me you got better with practice.”

  “She makes it sound like all we did was make out.” Oddly enough Freddy didn’t feel all that uncomfortable talking about it with her. He found he wanted to talk about it. Nancy certainly seemed to.

  She looked at him knowingly. “Carrie told me about how you took her down in your basement when school ended last year.”

  His first thought was denial. A lie was almost always his first thought. This time was different. He knew that she knew. More importantly he knew that she knew he knew that she knew.

  Damn, say that ten times fast.

  Freddy allowed a lopsided grin to spread across his face. He hoped it looked guilty and slightly embarrassed.

  Nancy smiled. “I’m glad you didn’t try to deny it, Freddy.”

  “How could I?” This was definitely a day for truth.

  Nancy’s smile stayed put. It was both a little serious and a little mischievous at the same time. It was her daughter’s impish grin aged to perfection. “You didn’t really seduce her you know.”

  Freddy’s eyes widened. “I thought that was exactly what I did.”

  She shook her head. “You moved first maybe. But Carrie was getting a little impatient with you. She was planning to do something herself pretty quick.” Nancy let her eyes drop into her coffee again. She toyed with the napkin and sighed. “I told her not to get too gung-ho but I also told her I trusted her judgment. I made sure she knew how to be, you know, safe.”

  Freddy took this revelation in stride. Nancy’s knowledge of her daughter’s sexual habits surprised him but it was not exactly shocking. He was shocked to learn of Carrie’s desire. It made him wonder who was leading whom.

  Nancy opened her mouth to speak but stopped. The little girl resurfaced; this time shy. She flushed slightly before continuing. “Carrie told me how good you were … ‘down there’ – her expression. It’s stupid, I know. But I was a little jealous.”

  Freddy’s pulse quickened. Like some sinuous, living thing he could feel his erection growing. He opened his mouth and closed it, opened and closed it again, like a fish out of water.

  “I had a friend once, back in school, before I met Carrie’s dad,” Nancy began quietly. “She was more active – sexually, I mean – than me. Than any of us back then, I guess. At a sleepover, one of the last pajama parties I ever went to, she told us what it was like having someone go down on you. She said the trick was to relax. If you couldn’t relax, you’d never like it.

  “I told Carrie about that,” she went on. “I told her what my friend had said because she wanted to know if oral sex was a safer way to do it. She must have taken my advice.”

  Freddy grunted. He thought back to the afternoon in the basement. Carrie had done everything but drag him between her thighs by his ears. There had been nearly no resistance. He listened to Nancy but he was also thinking about doing it again – this time with the knowledge that Carrie had wanted it from the start. What Nancy said next pulled him out of his pleasant little fantasy. She had his undivided attention.

  “There were four of us at that party,” Nancy said softly. “My friend – Helen was her name – and Janet and Kathy. We did it to each other, one at a time while the other two watched. It was incredible!” Nancy met Freddy’s awed gaze unwavering. “It was the best and probably the only real orgasm I’ve ever had.

  “I’m not a lesbian,” Nancy stated firmly. “I’m not. It was just that one time. It was just once but I have to admit I think about it a lot.”

  “Did you tell Carrie that part of the story?” Freddy asked.

  Nancy shook her head. She downed the last of her coffee and chuckled. “I’ve kept that part for myself.”

  Freddy grinned. “Until now.”

  She returned his grin. Probably unconsciously, possibly intentionally Nancy reached across the table and took his hand. “It’s funny. I feel like I can tell you anything, Freddy. You make me feel completely safe.”

  His expression grew serious. “Thanks,” he told her and squeezed her hand lightly.

  “The whole lesbian thing bothers me,” Nancy admitted, “because of that one experience. People can call me a whore all they want. I couldn’t care less. But when they call me a lesbian it just bothers me.”

  “Don’t let it,” Freddy told her. “There’s nothing wrong with being gay. Think of it this way – if you’re lucky enough to be with someone your size it’s like having two wardrobes.”

  Nancy hiccupped laughter. She was quiet for a while. Her gaze was on the table. One hand toyed with her empty coffee cup. The other was twined into Freddy’s. When she did look up her eyes had grown moist and dreadfully uncertain. “Did you and Carrie ever have sex?” She asked cautiously. “I mean the whole deal, you know?” She shook he head quickly, waving off his response. “No, you didn’t. Carrie would have told me.”

  “It’s not that we didn’t want to,” Freddy began hesitantly. “We did want to. Actually, I think Carrie wanted to almost as much as me, but we were gonna do it right – not just sneak off into the woods or something like that.”

  Nancy nodded her approval.

  “We were gonna do it this past weekend,” Freddy admitted calmly. “When you were supposed to be out of town. It … it would have been nice.”

  Nancy squeezed his hand. “I’m sorry, Freddy.”

  This was so unlike any conversation he ever expected to have with Nancy. One did not so blithely discuss having sex with someone’s teenage daughter. It was unnatural.

  “I never wanted Carrie to make the same mistakes I made,” she said quietly. Nancy had a peculiar look in her eyes he could not quite place. “But I never wanted to shelter her either. If she was going to do anything – drugs, sex, whatever – I wanted her to feel comfortable talking to me about it. I like to believe she always did.”

  Freddy nodded. “I bet you’re right – considering the things you’ve just told me.”

  “God, I so much wish you two …” she trailed off. “You two were made for each other.”

  They stared at each other across the table for an eternity. For a moment, for a brief moment Freddy began to feel he was losing interest in this woman who had been the object of his secret desire as long as he had known her. The moment did pass. Freddy looked into Nancy’s eyes and saw an older and wiser version of her daughter looking back. But one also filled with the same nearly naïve uncertainties of youth. Suddenly he knew she would leap, just as Carrie had leapt that June afternoon short months before. He would be ready to catch her.

  “I want,” she began but her voice faltered. Nancy looked down at the table and muttered to herself.


  Freddy still held her hand. With the pad of his thumb he caressed her palm. “Go on. It’s okay.”

  Nancy looked at him with sudden steel in her eyes. “I want you to come upstairs with me, Freddy,” she told him.

  Freddy felt his eyes widen incredulously.

  “Yes,” she nodded. “Come upstairs with me. This is so fucking wrong but right now I don’t care!” Nancy rose, still holding his hand.

  With minimal urging, Freddy stood. He was very aroused but now he did nothing to hide it from her.

  Her eyes flicked down once as she led him to the stairs. “You and Carrie weren’t able to make love,” she said. She stopped on the first step and turned to face him. Their eyes were level, their bodies a mere hand’s breadth apart. “I want you to make love with me instead.”

  Freddy nodded. Absurdly and for the first time Freddy realized he was taller than her.

  Nancy’s gaze dropped demurely. “If you don’t want to, I’ll understand. I’m old -”

  Freddy breathed laughter. “You’re not old, Nancy,” he told her. He drew her close enough so they were touching. The swell of her breasts pressed lightly against his chest while, lower, his hardness thrust toward the secret she had long held for him. Her eyes went wide at the sensation of him. “I’m sure Playboy has centerfolds that are older than you and younger ones not nearly as hot as you.”

  Nancy smiled happily. Her hands began a tentative exploration of his shoulders. “First beautiful and now hot. God, Freddy, you’re good. But I know you just saying it.”

  Freddy was pressed against her. There was no denying she could feel his arousal “Does that feel like I’m just saying it?”

  A slight moan escaped her and she bit her lip to suppress it. “I’m gonna have to take your word, Freddy.”

  “No,” he replied, “you won’t.” Even through all the layers of their clothing he could feel the heat of her rising passion. It was more than just suggestive. It was promising.

  They kissed on the stairs. Freddy indulged himself. He slipped a hand up under her sweater to cup the satin shell over her left breast. Nancy smiled against his lips and drew back. She took his hand and led him upstairs.

  -

  Freddy smiled at me as I sat gape-mouthed before him. “Her panties were lace. But black. Not white,” he told me. For a moment he seemed to ponder what to say next. He wanted to tell me more – he needed to tell me more. But he couldn’t. “It was making love,” he said finally, summing everything up in those four little words.

  I believed him too. If everything else Freddy ever told me over the years was fraught with lies, this at least I knew was true. It was more than the look of satisfaction and of wonder filling his typically dark features. I had also witnessed a portion of the exchange that made the rest of it completely undeniable.

  I was sitting on the glider in deep shadows as Nancy let him out onto her unlit porch. My eyes adjusted to the gloom; I could clearly see the both of them. Nancy kissed him. Wrapped in a simple cotton robe, her body was very close to his. It was a real kiss and their hands were on each other.

  It was Nancy who pulled away. “Thank you,” she whispered to him. “I think we both needed that. But if you don’t go, I don’t think I’m going to let you.”

  In a voice I’d never heard before, Freddy replied. “Would that be so bad?”

  Nancy looked at him very seriously. I think she might have been a little afraid as well. “Yes, Freddy, I think it would be.”

  Freddy looked down. His hands grasped the loose ends of the sash holding her robe closed. They tensed. I felt a cold shiver begin in my testicles and skitter its way to the nape of my neck. I thought for sure he would finish her then, just as he had her daughter and his own father – just as he claimed to have finished Çin.

  “You’re right of course,” he told her. “I could make love to you a thousand times and it would never be enough. Because of that, I know you’re right.” He sighed. “I don’t want you to be right but you are. I loved Carrie and I don’t want to forget her.”

  Nancy looked about ready to cry but held off.

  “I needed that,” Freddy continued. “Somehow I think it’s helping me deal with the fact that she is gone.” He smiled and let go of Nancy’s robe. His hands fell to her hips. “I can think of her in the past tense at least.”

  Nancy suppressed a little laugh. There were tears in her eyes now.

  “And I think you needed it for the same reason. But also, to remind you you’re still alive.” Freddy kissed her and let go, letting her go. “That was beyond words. You are … beyond words. But any more would hurt us both.”

  Freddy took it righteously. I watched this and I felt sick. But that sickness was replaced with a growing sense of relief and of hope. Perhaps the horror was over. Freddy had at long last been able to have Nancy – if but for one night. I prayed it might be enough.

  “God, Freddy,” Nancy sighed. Her own hands lingered on his chest, sliding downward until one finger hooked into his belt buckle. “You would have made one hell of a son-in-law.”

  “I can still call you mom if you like.”

  Nancy laughed. “No. That would definitely be weird.” She kissed him swiftly and backed into the house. “Thank you, Freddy. Don’t be a stranger.”

  The door clicked softly closed. Freddy stood there a moment; his expression distant. He knew I was there and eventually glanced into my shadows unperturbed. He might have winked – I don’t know. Shadows of his own fell across his face.

  Whatever happened in the bedroom of Nancy Hicks, stayed there. Always one to kiss and tell, Freddy was strangely quiet. ‘It was making love,’ he told me and I thought I could understand. If I had not witnessed the exchange on the porch, I likely would still have believed him. I might have had my doubts. But such was not the case. I watched them hold each other as lovers do – if but for one night.

  -

  When Freddy returned to school the following Monday, his first day back since the murders, a veil of silence surrounded him. No matter what others were doing or who they were talking to, they stopped, fell quiet and followed him with their wide, staring eyes. A flurry of conspiratorial whispers would fill the void, excited and confused.

  He would forever be outside. By his reckoning Freddy became a third class of teenager. He was ranked higher than the Casanovas yet unconsciously shunned far more than the stragglers. He would have no male friends and the girls would be interested only in capturing a part of his allure. He was whetted both by beauty and by blood. He was a killer – however his truth made them believe. He was also a lover of the truest sort.

  Someone else had seen him on Nancy’s porch that night. Mother and daughter – it was said he had loved them both. One he defended and one he consoled. Both had lain down for him. I don’t know who saw or spoke but the story traveled the way they do in small towns.

  I know it was too dark on the porch for anyone to make out the details of their exchange. They spoke so low even I had difficulty hearing them. Maybe Nancy herself told. Sleeping with Freddy would end some rumors about her – even if it initiated others. A neighbor could have watched them from the shadows just as I had. Either way it hardly mattered. Nancy Hicks would not be long for our Prince William Falls.

  Our friends, our summertime chums if you prefer, distanced themselves from Freddy and as a consequence from me as well. They were afraid of him, I think. Freddy was something different now, something more perhaps. His little world had exploded around him, becoming something few should ever experience. You couldn’t look at him without seeing it. Some saw tragedy there. Most saw the dreadful awareness which only comes to those who have dealt death. After that, after Carrie’s death, few could look into Freddy’s eyes very long. Those who did meet his gaze were always the first to look away.

  -

  I said Nancy Hicks would not be long for our Prince William Falls. I meant it. Everyone was quick to offer their condolences to her. They offered her a shoulder and
an arm for support but once Carrie was in the ground they quickly returned to their old ways. It was literally in mid hug, the town as a whole glanced at their watches and suddenly found vital tasks elsewhere. Wow! Is that the time? Holy gee! Sorry, I got a thing! She could have stayed but it would no longer be her town. If it ever was.

  Prince William Falls has always been a more conservative, more old-fashioned sort of place. Those same traditional family values may grieve a loss as great as Nancy’s but quickly sneer as soon as her back was turned. Men worked to bring home the bread. Some women worked – usually part time – but most willingly accepted the role of housewife and mother. Family came first in Prince William Falls. At a time when the national divorce rate was rapidly climbing toward fifty percent here it might have been less than ten. In PWF the word divorce was spelled with four letters.

  Men bowled and played pool. Women sat in the park or in the coffee shop and talked about baking and pot roasts and arranged play-dates for their children. People still owned real, old-fashioned picnic baskets. It was very quaint, like a color version of the Andy Griffith show.

  Nancy Hicks did not fit this Rockwellian mold. Few really did. But Nancy was a round peg trying to fit a square hole. Men couldn’t be her friends because it was unnatural to have a female friend you were not dating or married to. The women would not be her friends because of her reputation – however unfounded it was. Neither the men nor the women could accept her success as an entrepreneur. They were certain her wealth was ill-gotten.

  Nancy was in Prince William Falls for her daughter. I knew she longed for the city where anonymity was comfortable and there were no molds to fit. Prince William Falls was supposed to be safe. It was a place even into the nineties where few people locked their doors at night. After her confession to Freddy I knew why she chose PWF. I also knew there was nothing holding her there.

  Carrie was gone. The illusion of security, of sanctuary was shattered. Prince William Falls held nothing for Nancy any longer. It was no surprise in late September, the scent of winter already in the air, to see Nancy pull up in front of the Cartwright house, a U-haul trailer hitched up behind her new Jeep Cherokee.