Loving Daisy

by R. M. Lynn

  “Fuck you, man,” Dash snapped and left the room, slamming the door behind him.

  I looked at Colt and shook my head. “I swear, I didn’t do it to hurt anybody. Especially her.” I closed my eyes briefly before looking back to him. “I didn’t know she had real feelings for me. If I did, I never would’ve agreed.”

  Colt frowned deeper. “You didn’t know? C’mon, man. Everybody knows. It’s so obvious, it’s painful to watch sometimes. Tell me how this happened. I’m still confused.”

  So, I told him how she approached me with the idea of taking her virginity as well as all her other firsts. I told him that I’d said no initially, but for whatever reason, I agreed. Call it morbid curiosity. I told him that I did in fact take her virginity, and for good measure, I slept with her again only a couple hours later. Daisy said that she felt like that meant something. Did it? It definitely didn’t happen simply because she was there and willing like I’d told her. So, sure. Maybe I had feelings for her that went beyond the boundaries of friendship. I mean, I’d have to just to simply entertain the idea of hooking up with her. But it didn’t matter. Because in the end, I’d hurt her, break her fucking heart, and she’d write me out of her life for good.

  “Why did you do that, Mac?” Colt asked quietly, pulling me away from my thoughts, and sat at the end of the bed. “Look, the deal you made? That was fucked up. Definitely a horrible, awful idea. But then you went and took her v-card. And to make matters worse, you fucked her again? C’mon, Mac.”

  “I know,” I groaned and rubbed my eyes in frustration. “But I… It wasn’t just to fuck her. Something in me really fucking liked the idea that I was her first. Because if I leave and go to California, or even if I stay, at least I have her firsts. Because she’s going to meet some guy that can give her what I can’t, but I can have that.”

  “You’re talking like you wish you were that guy. The one that could not only be her second but her third, fourth, and every other one after that.”

  I shrugged but then shook my head. Sure, I’d thought about it. Like Colt, I’d often thought about if things were different, could we be together, really make it work. But I wasn’t that guy. My dad was the only role model in my life, and he was the worst at all things women, and I would hate to end up like him.

  “I don’t do relationships, Colt, and there’s no guarantee that I’d be any good at one,” I explained quietly. “But I can’t be with her because at least now, even with us on unstable ground, she’s still in my life. As friends, she’ll always be there. If we go deeper, and we split up, she’ll be gone, and I’d never get her back. I can’t lose her.”

  “And now, after everything you’ve done with her, you think you can just go back to being friends? You don’t think that after every hug or every time she smiles at you you’ll wish there was more? You know for sure that you won’t have the urge to kiss her when she laughs at one of your jokes or pull her closer when she sits next to you to watch a movie?” Colt questioned me and cocked his head, waiting for me to reply. When I didn’t, he shook his head. “Maddox, you love her, man. And not in the way Dash or I love her. Why can’t you just admit it?”

  “Because what good would it do?” I snapped. “What would it matter? I’m a coward, Colt. Alright? I refuse to lose her, and while our friendship is only hanging on by a thread, at least I still have her.”

  “You’re an idiot, Maddox,” Colt uttered as he stood up and headed for the door. “All I know is that if a girl like that told me she loved me, odds are, I’d probably be in love with her right back, and I’d fucking make it known to the whole damn world.”

  ◆◆◆

  10

  “Hey, Daisy,” Stella whispered as she came up to my locker with a barely-there smile. “How’re you?”

  “Alright… You?”

  It’d been a couple weeks since winter break, and truth be told, I wasn’t alright. Far from it. Things were past awkward with Maddox, and my friendships with the rest of the group were taking a hit. I’d distanced myself, hoping that time could allow me to get over my feelings for Maddox, and because of it, I barely saw the guys or even Logan. To make things worse, time hadn’t done anything for my feelings. If anything, it was now very clear that I was in love with Maddox, and I wasn’t going to get over him any time soon.

  I did have Stella, though. We’d gotten close since break, and while we spent the majority of our time together simply watching TV or movies, we’d found friendship in each other. She didn’t share anything about herself, so I did most of the talking in our new relationship, but it didn’t seem to bother her.

  My heart ached more and more each day, so it was nice to have someone like her around. Logan was so happy go-lucky, and I didn’t want to feel like I was putting all my problems on her. Stella was a good listener and because she barely spoke, I rarely felt bad about my venting. I missed Maddox, and I needed to talk about it.

  “Have you talked to Maddox?” Stella asked quietly as she leaned one shoulder up against the locker next to mine.

  “No,” I muttered with a shrug. “Honestly, I only ever see him in Calc, and I switched seats with another girl so I don’t sit by him anymore. Have you talked to Colt?”

  She snorted out a laugh, and the sound made me smile. She rarely did it, so when she did, it was like a gift.

  “No, I have not. And I don’t exactly plan on it, so don’t hold out.”

  It was amazing to me that they could live together and not ever speak. “Well, I’ll talk to Maddox when you talk to Colt.”

  “Yeah, well, guess you can say goodbye to Maddox because I’d sooner choke on my words and drop dead than speak to Colt.”

  “One can only hope,” Colt deadpanned as he stepped up behind her.

  The smile on Stella’s face dropped immediately, but she didn’t look up at him. Instead she whispered to me, “I’ll see you later.” And she took off down the hall.

  “There’s no need to be rude to her,” I said to Colt once we were alone.

  “Where’ve you been?” he asked instead of commenting on Stella. “Just because you’re avoiding Maddox… You don’t need to cut me or Dash out of your life, too. You’re our friend.”

  I nodded weakly and looked at the floor between us. “I know. It’s nothing against you guys. And really, it’s nothing against Mac, either. I’m just… I’m trying to move on. It’s just taking a lot longer than I’d hoped.”

  “He misses you.” I closed my eyes at his words, and he grabbed my hand and gave it a squeeze until I looked at him. “Daisy, he’s a mess. He drinks too much, and he’s at every goddamn party just to get fucked up on free liquor. He’s not staying at home, either. He stays with me or Dash or even Luke sometimes. He’s been fighting with his dad. I don’t know what about, but it’s been enough to keep him from going home. He won’t talk to anybody about it, and I don’t know how to get through to him. You should talk to him.”

  “And say what?” I countered. “How do you know he would even talk to me?”

  “Because he loves you, Daze, and he’s just fucked up over it,” he insisted and shook his head. “You guys need to talk. Figure it out. He’s afraid to lose you, but he’s done it anyway. Or at least, that’s how he feels. I think he feels like he’s not good enough for you. He’s afraid to hurt you.”

  “He didn’t do anything wrong, though. He’s not obligated to love me back. Okay?” I shook my head and let out a breath. “I’m going to be late for class. I’ll see you later.”

  “C’mon, Daze,” Colt called after me, but I didn’t want to hear it anymore.

  If Maddox loved me, he’d tell me when he was ready. I couldn’t force him to love me, and I couldn’t force him to realize it if he really did love me as Colt suggested. He’d have to figure it out on his own, and if he wanted something with me, he knew where I stood. I was ready when he was. Until then, I’d work to move on and hope that we’d come together as friends if that was where he wanted to be.

  There were spec
ific points every day at school where I’d have to walk past Maddox at his locker or see him in the lunchroom. I’d always kept my head down even when I could feel his eyes following me. A lot of it was because of my guilt. If I’d just kept my mouth shut, none of this would be happening, and I wouldn’t have lost such an important person in my life. Not that we lost each other. Not really. I’d always be there for him, and I knew he’d be there for me, too. But things were weird, and I couldn’t even look at him let alone talk to him when all I could think about were the intimate times we shared together every time I saw him. I wondered if he thought about them, too. My mind often flooded with memories of how he felt inside me, the way he made me feel when he touched me or kissed me.

  So, while I was able to keep a distance throughout the majority of the day, the one time I couldn’t was in Calculus at the end of the day. Because of it, my mind often raced instead of focusing on the math problems on the board. Our teacher didn’t care much about assigned seating since the class was all seniors, so it was easy for me to switch seats with another girl who was desperate to get as close to Dash and Maddox as possible. The day I made the switch, I could feel how infuriated Maddox was even from across the room. Anger rolled off him like waves, and I felt like I had been drowning in it the entire class period.

  Now, though, with a few weeks of the new routine, he often just slumped in his seat and stared out the window the majority of the class period. With his face turned away, I was able to take him in, and, God, did I miss him. He had a permanent look of sadness on his face, and I ached to make it go away. I felt horrible every time I snuck a glance at him because I was the one that put that sorrow there.

  When the bell rang, signaling the end of the class and the school day, I hurried out and rushed to grab my skateboard from my locker. It was pouring rain out, but I had no other option. I knew Dash drove with Maddox, because it was almost always the case, and I didn’t feel like sitting in the uncomfortable silence that was sure to be in Colt’s car when he drove Stella and himself home. So, braving the weather, I started on my skateboard for home.

  When a car slowed next to me within the first two minutes of my trip, I knew who it was before I even glanced to the road.

  “Daisy,” Maddox called to me. “Get in the car.”

  “I’m perfectly fine, thanks,” I called back and wiped my face clear of the raindrops pelting me.

  “You’re soaking wet, and it’s cold as shit outside.” I ignored him and kept on going down the sidewalk. He continued to trail next to me and shouted over the rain, “Daisy, I swear to God. Don’t make me tackle your ass. Get in the fucking car.”

  Knowing very well that he’d go full football player on me and indeed tackle me, I let out a breath and snatched my skateboard up before going to the car. I knew his leather seats would be soaked, but I hadn’t realized how cold I was until I got into the passenger seat. He leaned over me as I shivered and pressed a button on the door to start up the heated seats. Even after he pulled away, I could still smell his manly scent and the mint of his gum. I looked out the windshield to get myself together and find something else to focus on.

  “Where’s Dash?” I asked quietly as he began to drive down the road.

  “Colt took him. They have some project to work on.”

  His voice was matter-of-fact, and I hated the forced indifference between us. I looked down at my lap but glanced to him when he reached back into his backseat with one hand still on the wheel.

  “Here,” he grumbled and forced a black hoodie with the football team’s logo on the front into my hands. “You’re shivering.”

  “Thanks,” I whispered and pulled the material over my head, dipping my nose into it, loving how it smelled like him. A moment of awkward silence passed between us, and I looked to him as his jaw ticked, eyes still on the road ahead of us. “How’ve you been?”

  He let out a short, humorless laugh. “How’ve I been? How would you like me to answer that, Daisy? Want me to lie?”

  “No, I just…” I let out a breath and looked back to my lap. “Forget I asked, okay? Colt just seemed worried about you earlier today, and I… Never mind.”

  “Stop pretending like you care,” he snapped lowly. “We’re not friends anymore, remember?”

  “That’s not what I said.”

  “That is what you said.”

  I shook my head and glared at him. “I had said that we’re not just friends. We hadn’t been since you kissed me. We were naïve to think we could just go back to being just friends. That’s what I said.”

  “Fine,” he uttered with a shake of his head. “I just feel like you’re punishing me.” The rawness in his voice made tears sting the back of my eyes, and I dragged my teeth of my bottom lip. He mumbled, “You’ve ignored me for weeks, and it sucks. This isn’t what I thought you meant when you said you needed time. Fuck, I don’t know what I thought, but… I feel like you hate me because I couldn’t say it back.”

  “I don’t hate you. That’s the last thing I feel for you. I said I needed time because I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. My feelings… They didn’t just go away. I’m trying to get over you, and this is the only way I know how to do it.”

  His knuckles turned white as he gripped the steering wheel. “This. This makes me uncomfortable. Not your feelings. This bullshit where you ignore me, switch seats in class, and not take rides from me. It makes me feel like you’re mad that I can’t tell you what you want to hear, and it’s bullshit.”

  “That’s not what I’m trying to do.”

  “You think you’re the only one fucked up over it? Like I don’t think about it all the time, every fucking second of every day? I already punish myself, Daisy. I don’t need you to do it for me.”

  “I’m not trying to punish you!” I cried out and smacked my hands on my thighs in frustration. “I’m sorry if it comes across that way. I can’t be around you, Maddox, because every time I am, all I think about it how I want to touch you and kiss you and just hold your hand. I take full responsibility of the way things turned out with us. And I’m so sorry.” He glanced at me as I turned my head toward the window to wipe away the few tears that slipped down my cheeks. “I get that you don’t want those things with me for your own reasons. I just distance myself so you don’t feel like you’re forced into something that you don’t want.”

  “Don’t cry,” he whispered, and his hand came out like he was going to lay it on my thigh, but he seemed to change his mind halfway through and placed it back on the steering wheel.

  We pulled up to my house before he could say another word, and I quickly unbuckled and began to take off his hoodie.

  “Keep it,” he muttered and shook his head. “Daisy, I–”

  “It’s okay, Maddox. I…” I shrugged. “I’m sure with some time, I’ll move on, and we can be friends. Like we were. But I’m always here if you need anything. Okay?”

  “Alright, Daisy. Same to you.”

  He seemed upset, but I needed to get out of the car before I cried all over again and begged him to love me back. He waited in his car outside my house until he knew I was inside just like he always used to do when I let him drive me. Once inside, I hurried upstairs and got out of my uniform. I wanted to be mad at myself when I put his hoodie back on over a pair of leggings, but I was weak. I tried to distract myself by doing my homework, but of course struggled on Calc. My grade in the class had begun to slowly plummet since I stopped hanging out with Maddox. By the time I was finished, the Chinese my dad ordered arrived. He rarely cooked when Mom was living with us, so we ordered takeout if I didn’t cook. And because my skills were lacking in that department as well, we ordered out a lot.

  My dad didn’t question me when I brought my food up to my room. He was too busy with his face buried into his work anyway. When I was done, I put on Netflix, wondering if I could finally get myself to watch The Office without Maddox. It was our thing, and I hated watching it without him. So, instead, I started Stranger Thin
gs because I was pretty sure I was the only person on the planet that hadn’t seen a single episode.

  With the sun down, I decided the show was one I could only watch in the daylight or with a companion. Sitting up in bed with the Netflix home screen on the TV, I sighed as I looked out of my window to the backyard. We had a giant pool, closed for the season, and a hot tub under a gazebo. All were for my mom, and now that she was gone, I wondered if they’d be used in the future. The one thing in the yard that wasn’t for her was the treehouse in the far back corner. There was a giant oak tree that my mother had demanded be cut down. However, my dad refused, and he and my uncle built me a tree house for my sixth birthday. It sat alone now with no children to play in it. With the storm cleared out now, I could see the moonlight hitting my treehouse, and I wondered if I could get a good view of the stars. So, I threw on the first pair of shoes I could find, my pair of white Chucks, and headed for the stairs. My dad was nowhere to be found, probably up in his office, so I was able to go out the back door without any fuss.

  Once at the base of the tree, I climbed up the rope ladder with a small smile on my face, feeling nostalgic at all the memories flooding me. This used to be where the guys and I hung out all the time. They had thought it was so cool that I had my own treehouse and it could fit all four of us at once. The smile on my face vanished, and I screamed as a body moved and sat up when I hit the small entryway.

  “Jesus, stop screaming,” Maddox’s voice ordered lowly, and I jumped, startled even more and nearly lost my footing on the ladder. His hand reached out, and he grabbed my bicep, pulling me into the treehouse. “Shit, Daze, you nearly fell.”

  “Yeah, well, it would’ve been your fault,” I snapped and pushed at his chest, blinking so my eyes could adjust to the darkness surrounding me. The moonlight coming in through the skylight, just a big square cut out in the ceiling, was the only light around us. “What the fuck are you doing here?”