“Do you think they’ll still want to be with me after the dance?” I asked quietly, fearing if I spoke any louder, my dad or Diane would overhear.
It was a while before Leah answered me. “What do you want me to say?”
“I’m asking you what you think, not asking you to tell me what I want to hear.”
Leah heaved a great breath, saying, “I don’t know. Maybe. Or maybe Alec and Xander will be hurt that you included them in a video that was supposed to be about Christian, and they won’t want to talk to you. And Christian—who knows how that cookie will crumble. Either way, you’re stronger now than you were before. You got this. You can handle it.”
What a pep talk. I found myself grinning in the blackness of my bedroom, knowing she was right. I was so much stronger than I was before. No matter what happened next, no matter what my future held, I would be alive to see it. Nothing could stop me. If Xander, Alec, and Christian were in my life, great. If not, I would give myself some time to be sad and then I would move on. That’s what life was about, right?
“And this whole thing about Diane,” Leah went on, poking me exactly where I didn’t want to be poked, metaphorically. “You know what you have to do about that, right?”
Damn it. Yes, I knew what I should do. Didn’t mean I wanted to do it, or that I would. Overcoming years of bitter feelings towards that woman, towards my dad, was hard, and it would be a constant battle.
Slowly, almost unwillingly, I said, “Yes. I know.” Silence took over the phone call for a few minutes, and I found myself frowning. Couldn’t help it. Talking to Leah made me remember everything I was missing now that my mom was gone. “I miss hanging out with you,” I muttered.
There were a lot of things I missed. Too many.
Feeling my emotions start to drown me, I said, “Hey, I’m going to sleep. I’ll talk to you later, okay?”
“Okay. I miss you, too. Goodnight, Elle.”
I hung up, pushing my phone onto my nightstand as I stared at the ceiling through the darkness. I’d lost so much. So, so much. Mom…I knew kids lost their parents, but I always thought I wouldn’t, not until I was older, more of an adult myself. I never thought I’d lose her when I was eighteen.
I missed her.
Leah’s mom dropped me off after school. I unlocked the front door, walking inside and dropping my backpack on the floor. I went into the kitchen, completely unaware of what horror waited for me in the living room. Bent inside the fridge, I got out a can of pop, cracking it as I walked out of the kitchen and into the living room, grabbing the remote off the coffee table and turning on the TV as I took my first sip.
My attention was solely focused on the TV. I backed up to plop myself on the couch, but I sat down on something hard, something that shouldn’t have been there.
I jumped back on my feet, my heart in my chest when I saw that my mom was there, just…just there. In her work clothes, one foot on the couch, one hanging off the cushions. Her eyes were wide open.
Right then and there, I knew something wasn’t right, but still, my fingers curled around the pop can, and I whispered, “Mom?” My voice cracked on the word. One word. One word was all it took.
The pop can slid from my hand, crashing to the floor and spilling on the carpet. I fell to my knees beside her, touching her shoulder, saying again, “Mom?” I shook her gently; her head only lolled back and forth, her eyes vacant, pupils dilated.
She was…she was cold. Her body was cold.
I swayed, ultimately tipping myself backwards and landing on my butt as I stared at her. No tears came, because I think I was in shock. It was the moment I’d dreaded ever since meeting my mom in the hospital and learning she had brain cancer and was refusing chemo and the other available therapies.
There was no way to guarantee any of it would work, she said, no way to guarantee that it wouldn’t come back. She didn’t want to live the rest of her life sick and miserable, in a state of constant fear.
You know those moments you anticipate, but hope never come? Those moments of your life that you knew would define the rest of your living days? This was one of them, this was mine. This was the end of everything I’d known.
I didn’t cry that day, but I bawled my eyes out later, when I was alone in bed. Dad and Diane came, helped arranged the funeral, helped me pack up what I needed from the house. The rest just got donated, the house sold and the money put into my account since Mom had left everything to me.
Watching Mom regress, watching her start to lose her muscle mass, her memory getting progressively worse and worse, all while she tried to keep her job to put food on the table and pay the bills…it was the hardest thing. And I’d known it was coming. Stage four cancer wasn’t just something you miraculously beat with no medical help. For so long I’d known, and still, when I came home that day, finding her cold and dead on the couch had been the last thing I was anticipating.
I missed her. I missed her more than I missed anything. I missed coming home to her, spending time with her. Yes, we’d had a rocky past, both of us had made mistakes, but we were best friends. We were mother and daughter. We weren’t supposed to say goodbye so soon.
For the first time in a long time, the tears that prickled my vision were from thinking of that day, of my mom. I didn’t fight them, didn’t stop them from coming.
“I miss you, Mom,” I whispered into the darkness of the night, curling into my sheets and pressing my face against the pillow as I cried.
Chapter Twenty-Three
School passed in a haze the next day. I sat in lunch between Georgia and Alec, both of them staring at me as they ate. Georgia had her same old bagged lunch, while Alec had opted to buy something from the kitchen. Today was pizza day, apparently, though the pizza on his plate looked more like plastic than cheesy slices.
“Are you okay?” Alec asked, bumping his elbow with mine. A gentle gesture, one that got me to look at him. His green eyes were filled with concern. It was more than obvious over the course of me starting back at River High, I’d gotten him right where I’d wanted him.
At first.
Now…now I couldn’t think of breaking his heart, couldn’t think about hurting him. My planning was all for nothing. It was laughable, really, how badly I’d changed my mind from my original plan.
How could I tell Alec what was really bothering me? I might’ve not wanted to break his heart anymore, but I still had to do something at Snowball. There was still something I had to do. My mind was made up about that much—which could be why I felt so awful today. That, and I couldn’t stop thinking about my mom.
She never would’ve wanted me to get revenge. She had a whirlwind of a life, but in the end, she’d given her forgiveness to Dad, to Diane, to everyone. I’d held such rage and bitterness in my heart for so long…I didn’t think I could be like her. I didn’t think I could forgive Dad like that, or Diane. And that said nothing about the guys who’d bullied me.
Alec…no. I couldn’t tell him. Not right now. That’s what tomorrow would hold, what Snowball was for.
“Yeah,” Georgia agreed. “You’ve been pretty quiet all day, and you don’t even have any candy for lunch.”
No candy for lunch. Clearly, I wasn’t trying too hard to stay under the radar, to act normal. I forced a smile, splitting it between each of them. “I’m fine,” I said, lying through my teeth.
Georgia didn’t look impressed, but she said nothing. Alec, on the other hand, quipped, “No way you’re fine. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you without sugar at lunch.” He lowered his voice, whispering, “Are you maybe nervous about tomorrow? Have you changed your mind about doing it?”
Poor Alec. He knew the majority of the plan, but he didn’t know the extent of it. He was probably hoping I’d changed my mind, that I would miraculously tell him I wasn’t going to the dance with Christian, that I wanted to go with him and Xander.
That wasn’t going to happen.
“No,” I said. “No, we’re doing it.” Firmer,
and hopefully more believably, I added, “And I’m fine, really. It’s just one of those days, everyone gets them.” Making it out like it was nothing. Good for me. Maybe I could start to believe it myself.
“All right,” Alec said, not even bothering to try and hide his disbelief.
I was a shitty person for lying to him, for lying to Georgia, just now. I didn’t deserve either of them as true friends. That thought made me even more down in the dumps.
Lunch went on, and I didn’t say much else. I mainly listened to Georgia and Alec go on, nodding my head along with them every so often so they knew I was still there, still listening, that I wasn’t trapped inside of my own head.
Chemistry came too fast, and before I knew it, I sat at my table, waiting for Christian’s arrival and dreading it.
Dreading it because I knew he’d notice what was wrong with me, too. If he asked me what was wrong, would he care about the answer? Would he want to know the truth? I wouldn’t tell him, but I did wonder.
Christian wore his Letterman jacket today, since there was a basketball game tonight. I’d made it a point to steer clear of any more games, partially because of the whole grounded thing. That was…not something I was used to. In my whole life, I couldn’t remember being grounded for doing something wrong or acting out. That was probably because the one time I’d acted out was when I’d taken a kitchen knife to my room, but still.
He let out a groan as he sat beside me, stretching out his legs beneath the table. He set a hand on the back of my chair, his fingers brushing against my back. I fought the warmth spreading through me, the tingly feeling enveloping my heart at his touch, but I failed. I failed, which wasn’t a surprise.
Over the past two weeks, he’d gotten so much more touchy-feely. He stood closer to me when we were doing experiments, his fingers always finding ways to brush against mine when we were working on equations on a dry erase board. His glares had all but faded away, replaced by something I couldn’t place. He’d changed, and I was scared to figure out why. If he was playing with me…if this was an extension of the bring-it-on attitude he’d given me the night I’d broken him and Jessie up, what would I do?
I wouldn’t let myself spiral. I wouldn’t become depressed. I’d be hurt, sure, but I’d be able to move on.
I hoped.
“You look miserable,” Christian commented. We still had a minute or two before the bell rang; other kids were filtering into the classroom, taking their own seats. Alec always made it a point to be ten seconds from late so as to avoid seeing Christian and I together as much as he could.
“I’m not,” I muttered, meeting his eyes. My breath caught in the back of my throat as I stared at his handsome face. every time I wasn’t around him, I forgot how manly he truly was, and each time I was near him, I was reminded of the fact. Any girl would be attracted to him; I couldn’t blame my body for wanting his.
“You’re a bad liar,” he said.
I closed my eyes, wishing that was true.
Christian leaned closer to me, saying, “You look depressed. I hope it’s not because you’ve decided you don’t want to go to the dance with me after all. It’s too late, Elle. I already bought my tie to match your dress, and all the other pretty girls are taken.”
Okay, at that, I opened my eyes and glared at him.
He smiled, and the action made a thousand butterflies flutter about in my stomach. “I’m kidding. I don’t want to take anyone else. I want to take you. You and only you.”
I studied his face, my gaze falling to his lips, biting my inner cheek when my thoughts traveled to someplace they shouldn’t. “Why?” I questioned, wanting—no, needing to know.
The smile on his face changed into what I would call a boyish, impish grin. It was too cute for words. It hurt to look at, but I couldn’t tear my eyes away. “Because, try and try, I’ve realized it doesn’t matter. I like you. I like you a lot.” He chuckled. “Normally I don’t tell girls I like them until after we’re together.”
A sobering sentence if there ever was one. “I’m not like other girls, Christian, and I’m not going to be just another notch on your bedpost.”
“My bed doesn’t have posts.”
I rolled my eyes as the bell rang. Mr. Burns was still in the back room, so we had a few minutes.
“I know what you mean,” Christian said seriously. “And I was joking about that, and about the other girls part. There are no other girls, Elle. Not anymore.”
I wasn’t sure if I should be happy or not. I turned my head, watching Mr. Burns walk to the front of the class, holding onto two large vials. In this moment, words failed me. I couldn’t say a single thing, fearing that whatever I did say would only give my plan for tomorrow away.
This sucked.
Why did caring have to be so hard?
Chapter Twenty-Four
Today was the day. Well, tonight was the night, technically, since the dance didn’t start until seven. Seven to eleven. Four hours of high school kids dancing, sweating, almost having sex on the dance floor while teachers and parent volunteers looked on. I was as ready as I would ever be for this.
Georgia was coming over to get ready. I’d already told Alec and Xander that I would meet them there. Christian was set to get here at six forty-five, which left some time for pictures, because apparently my dad and Diane wanted to commemorate the night.
Speaking of Diane, there was something I had to do before Georgia came over.
I found Diane in the kitchen with my dad, giggling at something he’d said. Giggling, like a girl. Like a smitten, love-struck girl. Had he stepped out on her like he did on Mom, or had he been faithful? Did he cheat on Mom solely because he’d realized he wanted Diane instead? At this point, I didn’t know, and I was tired of thinking about it. If she was pregnant, if they were going to have a new family together, I owed it to them both to be nice.
“Diane, can I talk to you?” I asked, glancing at my dad. He studied me, must’ve seen that I was not raring for a fight, and then left the room, giving us some semblance of privacy.
“What is it, Elle?” Her voice was strained. She wasn’t sure what this was about, if she should be on guard or not. I couldn’t blame her. I’d been a raging bitch to her most of the time, but starting today, I was going to change that.
I breathed in through my nose, heaving the greatest breath I could, stalling for as long as possible before I said, “I’m sorry. For everything. I’m sorry I’ve been bitchy and distant, and I’m sorry I’ve been avoiding you.” God, this apology was harder to say aloud than I thought it would be, but that didn’t stop me. “You’ve been nothing but kind to me, and for the longest time, I didn’t want to look at you, let alone live under the same roof as you.”
“Elle, I—” Her azure stare fell to the floor, her yellow hair tucked neatly behind her ears. I didn’t let her continue, because I wasn’t done.
“I’m sorry I never came over, that I didn’t come to the wedding. There’s a long list of other things I’m sorry for, but if I go through it all, we’ll be here all night, and I have a dance to get ready for.” I watched Diane’s lips slowly curve into a smile before I added, “Oh, and—” Feeling a bit awkward, I reached for her, pulling her in for a gentle hug. “—thank you for the shoes. They’re beautiful.”
Diane hugged me hard, sniffing into my ear.
When I pulled back, I gave her a look. “Tell me the hormones aren’t affecting you already. Isn’t it a bit early for that?” She laughed, just as the doorbell rang, and I went to grab it.
Georgia stood, clutching her heels in one hand and the dress in the other, along with a small bag thrown over her shoulder, with her makeup and accessories. “Who’s ready for this thing?” she asked, stepping inside with a wide smile on her face. I almost didn’t recognize her, she was so giddy.
“You, apparently,” I laughed. “Come on.” I led her up the stairs.
We spent the next few hours laughing and doing our makeup and hair, curling it and u
sing a shit ton of hairspray. I told her the plan, and she was down for it. She would be my perfect distraction.
I helped her get into her dress first. She’d chosen a knee-length pink dress, a soft hue against her pale, freckled skin. Most of her red hair was pinned up, but some ringlets fell on her right shoulder, creating an almost regal look. Her green eyes were done up with mascara and black eyeliner; she wasn’t a fan of heapings of eyeshadow, so I kept my pallets to myself.
She sat on my bed as she tugged on her shoes, two inch heels that showed her sparkly, silver-painted toes. When she stood, she did a little twirl. “How do I look?”
“You look amazing,” I said, telling her nothing but the truth. I’d never seen her so dolled up, and I couldn’t remember ever seeing her smile so much. “My turn.” I grabbed my dress and headed into the bathroom to change.
When I came back into my room, Georgia nearly tripped when she saw me. That, or she wasn’t used to walking in heels. “Holy crap,” she said. “I knew that dress was made for you.”
I’d agree with her on that one. Its satin fabric was a deep, luscious red, the color of wine. Strapless, it hugged my chest and my waist tightly, revealing my curves until its lengths tumbled down at my hips, a long gown that dragged on the floor a bit—but it wouldn’t once I put on Diane’s heels. Rhinestones were sewed into its tresses, adding a bit of sparkliness, a bit of flair.
I loved the dress. I looked like a model in it, especially with my makeup and hair curled. Glancing in the mirror, I could hardly recognize myself. No words could describe how confident I felt in this dress, even if that confidence was undeserved.
Once Diane’s shoes were on my feet and I slid what I needed to between my breasts, Georgia and I headed downstairs, where my dad and Diane were waiting. My dad asked, “Georgia, are you parents coming over to take pictures?”
“It’s just my dad,” she said with a shrug. “And I told him not to.”
Spite: A Bully Reverse Harem Page 20
