Never Just Friends

by Lily Craig

  But the closure of the truck door cut short her words, and Georgie shifted into reverse quickly and decisively. She drove into the countryside road at a pace that would have made Madelyn grip her seat nervously, and then Georgie sped off alone. Flurries of snow fell off the truck as she drove away.

  Madelyn stood, shivering, wondering how many more times she'd fuck up her life this week. There wasn't much more time left before the holidays were over. Thank god.

  The morning's events hadn't woken anyone but Madelyn. She shuffled back inside with an impossibly heavy heart, the corners of her mouth wobbling with the desire to cry. Still, if she succumbed to the feeling, there would be no saving her from her sadness. And her friends had only just arrived last night.

  Rather than focus on the pain she was feeling emotionally, Madelyn thought it best to warm herself up from standing in the cold without proper winter gear. She started and tended a large fire, pushing the left couch even closer so she could sink onto it and bask in the warmth.

  Had she invented her suspicion that Georgie felt something for her? It had been a long time since they'd seen each other in person. Distance could warp things. Time could blunt your perception. And yet Madelyn felt, deep within her solar plexus, a spark resided in her that had responded to something similar within Georgie. Kinship.

  It had taken a long time to get there, but Madelyn had known Georgie for as long as she could remember knowing people. They were closer than most people ever got to have friends. If most of her prominent childhood and adolescent memories were of this person, didn't she know Georgie at least as well as your average passer-by?

  If not whole oceans’ worth of depth more?

  So how could Georgie make her feel so good, share in such an intimate act as they had experienced, and leave without so much as a discussion of what that meant? To Madelyn's academic mind, which delighted in lengthy dissections of words and meanings, it was unthinkable.

  She let the fire die down and then went upstairs for a bath. Now that the power was back on, the water heater would function again. Madelyn sat on the edge of the tub watching the water fill it, still unable to stop thinking of Georgie. Her kiss, her voracious attentions.

  When Madelyn lowered herself into the water, she saw her naked body in a new light. It was no longer just the physical form that she carted around, but something more. Here was where Georgie had licked so softly that Madelyn hadn't been sure she'd made contact with her skin. There was a light bruise from the ecstatic grasp on her hip while Georgie cried out and came.

  A map of their intimacy stretched out before Madelyn in that bath, and she found herself in tears. Fat droplets streamed down her face to join the bathwater, and she let herself sob through a full half hour of soaking. When the water began to cool, Madelyn composed herself and stood to dress again.

  Confronting the red-eyed reflection in the mirror wasn't easy.

  "You've done this all wrong," she said to herself. "Dumbass."

  Like she couldn't have just made plans to visit Georgie in Edmonton, talking with her there instead of at their yearly group vacation.

  With a sigh, Madelyn finished dressing and left the bathroom, a steamy hot wall of air dissipating behind her as she went. She nearly tripped over Hannah when she reached the hall.

  "Hey Madelyn,” said Hannah. "Have you seen Georgie?" Hannah’s voice was tender; she’d clearly heard Madelyn crying.

  Madelyn had meant to stay calm. Her plan had been to enjoy her friends' company, to shelve her feelings for once and let the day proceed without obsessing over Georgie. Hannah and Nadia deserved to have a vacation. So did she.

  Plans melt easily when emotions wash over them.

  "Yes," said Madelyn, her voice breaking slightly. Hannah knew, without asking a single question, that Madelyn was distressed.

  "You need a hug?" she said, starting the embrace before Madelyn could answer, saving her the necessity of a sob breaking through her words. Instead, Madelyn let her tears stain the purple shirt Hannah wore emblazoned with rainbow-colored twenty-sided dice.

  "I'm sorry," Madelyn said. Hannah just patted her back, letting her feel the things she was trying so desperately to repress.

  Embarrassment. Longing. A tinge of anger, though she wasn't sure if it were directed more at herself or at Georgie.

  Maybe at life in general.

  Why couldn't they have synced up? Why couldn't they be together?

  Madelyn didn't have the answers, but she reminded herself, wrapped in the warm arms of a friend, that she did have people who cared about her. She composed herself and went downstairs with Hannah, where they met the smells and sounds of a brunch-cooking Nadia.

  "You're up!" said Nadia, grinning at Madelyn. "Took you long enough."

  "Nah, she was there when Georgie left this morning," said Hannah, filling in the gaps for Madelyn so she didn't have to. Madelyn wanted to hug Hannah again to thank her for this kindness. “We were the ones who slept in.”

  "Ugh," groaned Nadia, "couldn't Georgie at least have told us she was heading out? I know we ribbed her pretty good last night, but Georgie used to be able to take as well as she gave."

  Awkward silence hung in the moment that followed. Nadia constantly made dirty jokes, but in the anemic morning sunshine she seemed to be holding back. Then Madelyn caught Nadia’s eye and Nadia snorted with laughter.

  "Maybe Madelyn can tell us whether that's true now or not. Mads, you have a good time together?"

  Madelyn smiled shyly, feeling the hot flush in her cheeks with a sense of pride. She was here, safe with friends, even if her chest hurt more than she thought physically possible—short of an actual heart attack.

  "A lady doesn't kiss and tell," she said, smiling in a way she hoped was mysterious.

  "I think a lady also doesn't get caught literally naked mid-sex in front of a fireplace, Madelyn," said Hannah as she raised an eyebrow.

  Madelyn sat down at the island, leaning on her elbows while she glanced from Nadia to Hannah.

  "It was nice," she said. "Really nice."

  "I always did think you two would hook up," Hannah added. "No joke."

  "Yeah, it's been clear that Georgie's been carrying a torch for you for years," Nadia said.

  "Wait. Really?" Madelyn's cheeks flushed again. She felt the heat of embarrassment go much deeper this time. How dumb not to have noticed.

  Though Hannah was less categorical in her statements, Madelyn could tell from their hesitant eye contact, their restrained smiles, that this was something they'd discussed before. It wasn't just in her head.

  It wasn't just in her head!

  From shame to hope in thirty seconds flat, Madelyn's heart reeled. She noticed that her palms left damp spots on the island's surface and laughed, too loud, at the realization.

  "Are you ok?" asked Nadia. "Did you hit your head when you hurt your ankle?"

  Hannah snorted, but Nadia wasn't joking.

  "I'm good," said Madelyn. "In fact, maybe I'm better than I've been in a long time."

  Because for the first time in months, Madelyn's feverish thoughts weren't echoing around in her head, alone. They were out there in the world. She'd told Georgie how she felt. And though Georgie hadn't reacted as she'd hoped she would, now there were others attesting to what Madelyn had felt to be true.

  If only Georgie hadn’t just made it seem very clear she couldn’t be what Madelyn needed.

  14

  Age 19

  "She's late," said Quinn, her arms folded across her chest. Her sharp green eyes darted to the coffee shop door each time someone entered. None, so far, had been Madelyn. A wave of guilt rushed over Georgie for feeling relieved.

  "That's pretty much Madelyn in a nutshell," she said to Quinn. "She's not trying to bug you. I promise."

  "It's so inconsiderate. She knows we're supposed to meet at 10:00, so why can't she just plan to get here early if she's always late? That'd cancel itself out. She'd be here on time."

  "You're thinking lik
e Quinn, and not like Madelyn, babe. If she knew she was going to be early, it'd cancel itself out the wrong way. Like, 'oh, I have even more time than usual, so I'm ok.' Until, next thing you know it, she's more late than normal."

  Quinn cradled Georgie's hand underneath the table, their thumbs vying for the top spot. When Quinn looked into Georgie's eyes, the reaction in Georgie's stomach was so powerful she forgot, for a second, what they were doing.

  All she could focus on was this beautiful girl sitting next to her. Who wasn't just beautiful, but sexy, smart, and super funny. Weirdest of all, she thought the same things of Georgie.

  How come she hadn’t gotten a girlfriend before this?

  University was a great place to meet women, truth be told. Georgie had slept around a little at first, eager to stretch her baby dyke wings and get out of the rut of high school. Here, she was an adult. Independent. Had moved far past the stereotypes of her teenaged cohort, scared as most of them were of her sexuality.

  It had taken a bit of time for Georgie to be willing to commit, even a little. Quinn was her first actual, 'do you want to be my girlfriend?' experience. And each wrinkle of that perfect little nose made her so glad she'd asked.

  Except just now, Quinn wasn't wrinkling her nose from amusement. That was definitely a sneer. Strange defensiveness gathered in Georgie's chest when she saw the object of Quinn's disdain.

  Madelyn had rushed into the coffee shop, waving at the two of them enthusiastically, and was ordering at the front kiosk. Her glasses fogged from the November chill outside, but she'd kept them on, letting them slide down her nose so she could look at the world above them. A massively overloaded backpack slumped to the side of Madelyn's right leg, where she'd dumped it upon arriving at the till.

  "How old is she, again?" asked Quinn.

  "I know she looks young, but we're the same age. She's just short."

  "And dorky," added Quinn.

  "Since when is that a crime?"

  Quinn pulled her hand back a bit, but Georgie held on. "I was expecting different from the way you talked about her."

  "How did I talk about her?"

  "I don't know," said Quinn. She surveyed Georgie coolly. Whatever Georgie had done, apparently it had been wrong. "You made her sound like such a badass."

  "She is, in her own way. Try fighting against her in a model U.N. debate." Georgie snorted with laughter at the memory.

  "Mmm," said Quinn. She sipped her coffee, foot bouncing.

  Madelyn took a mug from the barista and made her way over, scarf unravelling from her neck so that it draped ominously close to the coffee. Just before disaster struck, she dropped into the free chair at Quinn and Georgie's table.

  "Sorry I'm late!" Madelyn said, brightly. "I'm Madelyn."

  Though Madelyn held out a hand to shake with Quinn, there was a moment where it appeared that Quinn wasn't going to extend her own. That hesitation struck a vivid panic into Georgie's nerves, her skin crawling with dread. But the moment passed, and the two shook hands.

  They'd met, and the world hadn't stopped rotating on its axis.

  Could Georgie maybe get over herself for a second, now?

  She wasn't sure why she'd been so apprehensive. Madelyn launched into a barrage of questions about Quinn's course schedule, assignments, part-time work clientele, and more. Her innate curiosity about people had always charmed Georgie. She hoped it would do the same with her new girlfriend.

  "It's just a youth center," Quinn said, shrugging.

  "But that's amazing! You're doing everything you can to make the world a better place. Queer students must be so happy that you do your work," Madelyn said. She cradled her mug in both hands and her attention was riveted onto Quinn's every micro-expression.

  "I guess I do what I can, yeah."

  Why wasn't Quinn filling in the gap in conversation with questions about Madelyn?

  A pause sat heavily while Madelyn sipped her coffee. Apparently refreshed, she continued.

  "So do you have siblings? Wait—let me guess! You're the middle child."

  "Oldest, actually."

  "Interesting. You have more of a middle vibe." Madelyn smiled, but Quinn didn't.

  "Like, forgettable?"

  Georgie's smile felt strained, and she was sure it didn't reach her eyes, but she interjected regardless. "I'm sure that's not what Madelyn meant."

  "Of course not," added Madelyn. The speck of foam on her upper lip distracted Georgie for just long enough that she didn't attempt to persuade Quinn further.

  "Ok, fine," said Quinn. She didn't outright huff, but Georgie sensed the frustration under the surface. This was going nowhere near as well as she'd hoped. Still, there was plenty of time left to help them connect.

  "Quinn's younger brother is a gymnast," she offered. A tidbit of information, just enough to smooth things over.

  "Cool! I always wished I could learn to do backflips," Madelyn said. "Remember that time we went to the foam pit for Grade 5 gym class, Georgie? I barely went in, I was so scared."

  Georgie laughed at the memory. "Yeah and I dove in first, before Mrs. Dzidyk was even done explaining the rules."

  "Typical," said Madelyn. Her eyes shone with amusement, so much so that Georgie's gaze stayed there a second too long. Madelyn’s sandy hair framed her face in loose waves, her cold-reddened cheeks perfectly fresh and bright. Georgie’s lingering attention made her heart rush despite herself.

  "Did you ever try lessons?" asked Quinn. Finally, a question. Too bad it was loaded with a biting tone.

  "For... the foam pit?" As always, Madelyn's confusion manifested as her tilting her head and biting her lip. She wore her emotions on her face so readily, like filtering herself for the world was impossible. Georgie bit her own lip while she watched Madelyn.

  "No, backflips. You didn't try to learn?"

  "I think Madelyn just meant it was a cool thing to be able to do," Georgie said.

  This was hard as hell.

  If Georgie had known how much Quinn and Madelyn's personalities would clash, she might've made much simpler plans. Saying hello after class or something.

  "My brother trains for hours a day. It's a huge commitment and we're really proud of him," Quinn said.

  "Yeah, I wouldn't really have time for that kind of thing these days. Too many awesome classes to take!" Madelyn said, nodding. She waited, apparently to see if Quinn would expand on what she'd said earlier, but no more conversation seemed forthcoming.

  Georgie wasn't sure how to get through the rest of the hour before she and Quinn had to leave for class. Juggling had never been her strong suit, and right now Madelyn and Quinn were so imbalanced that the only thing keeping them from falling completely apart was Georgie's wide-eyed insistence on their having something in common.

  It hadn't occurred to Georgie that the thing in common might be her attention.

  When Madelyn finished her coffee and checked her phone, she'd gotten a text from a group project member about some last-minute changes they needed to do. Georgie mentally breathed a sigh of relief. She couldn't do another ten minutes of this, let alone forty.

  She and Quinn sat in silence while Madelyn packed up and left, waving happily back at them and continuing to say how nice it was to see each other, despite the way it disrupted the coffee shop patrons along her path to the exit. Her smile was cheerful as ever.

  "Did you have to be so difficult with her?" Georgie asked Quinn, but Quinn's instantly furrowed brow told her she'd spoken without thinking.

  "Me difficult? She's the one who wouldn't let me get a word in. Too focused on how you two have been friends forever, like so close and so perfect and everything, to even want to really know me."

  "That's not true, Quinn. She was so curious about you. She tried to get to know you."

  "More like in love with the sound of her own voice. No wonder she wants to be a professor—standing in front of a captive audience sounds exactly her style."

  "She loves history so much. I don't think you
're being fair."

  Quinn looked for a second like she'd been slapped, and then she composed herself with steely resolve. "No, Georgie, I don't think you are. I'm going to go, and when you've gotten over your reflexive need to defend your best friend over me, give me a call."

  As she watched Quinn stride out of the coffee shop, Georgie fumed. She was furious with Quinn for being so unwilling to see the good in Madelyn, angry at Madelyn for bubbling over with enthusiasm so much so that she didn't think about how serious this was for Georgie, and most of all, frustrated with herself. Because she'd told Quinn she used to have a crush on Madelyn, and now that seemed to be the only thing Quinn had considered.

  She dawdled her whole way back to campus, not wanting to see anyone she knew.

  That evening, Georgie's phone buzzed. Maybe it was Quinn apologizing for her abrupt, selfish exit to their date.

  Nope.

  Madelyn: "Awesome to meet Quinn today! Can I call you in a few?"

  Georgie didn't bother to wait. She dialed Madelyn's number right away in response.

  "Hey," said Madelyn.

  "Hey," said Georgie. "So, uh, sorry about that."

  "Oh my god, Georgie, it's not your fault! I'm so glad you introduced me to her. Like, your first girlfriend. That's a big deal. I just wanted to see how you felt about it."

  "Not good, Mads."

  "Yeah..."

  The pause felt so much better than that of the coffee shop earlier today. Silence with Madelyn wasn't just tolerable, it was comfortable.

  "I thought she'd have been nicer to you. I really am sorry."

  "No, no, no. It's ok. Honestly, Georgie. She's really pretty, by the way!"

  And that had indeed been what drew Georgie to Quinn in the first place: her long, sleek brown hair that looked like she'd always emerged recently from a professional blow-out salon. The firm, perky fullness of the breasts that Quinn actually wanted Georgie to touch. It had seemed too good to be true.

  Maybe it was.

  "Pretty, yeah. Thanks."

  "What else? Umm. She's clearly super into you, which is so nice to see. You deserve to be with someone who feels that way about you."