Generation Misfits

by Akemi Dawn Bowman

  “It’s really not,” Luna agreed quietly. “Ruby and Annabelle don’t even know I’m in J-Club.”

  Rainbow took a few slow steps into the room like she was still debating whether fleeing would be a safer choice.

  Ashley watched Luna curiously. “I don’t know why you’re so scared about them finding out. They’re sixth-grade bullies. They have no real power.”

  Luna scowled. “I’m not scared.”

  “I am,” Rainbow said quietly.

  Everyone turned to look at her, which only made her shrink into herself more.

  “Well, you don’t have to be scared here,” Zuki said almost triumphantly. “J-Club is a safe space. And we’re happy to have you.”

  Rainbow shuffled her feet. “Um. Thanks.”

  The silence stretched on and on and on. Millie had been so excited about finding a fifth member that it hadn’t really occurred to her Rainbow might not have joined if she knew who else was in the club.

  Maybe it would’ve been better to prepare Rainbow—and Luna.

  Eventually someone spoke. But to everyone’s surprise, it was Rainbow who broke the silence.

  “You say they don’t have power, but they do.” Rainbow tugged at her shirt. “Otherwise the whole school wouldn’t still be making fun of me for something that happened in first grade.”

  Millie frowned. “What do you mean?”

  Rainbow lifted her eyebrows. Maybe she wasn’t used to being around someone who hadn’t heard the story.

  “Sorry,” Millie added quickly. “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.”

  “It’s—it’s not that. I just don’t like being the center of attention.” Rainbow averted her gaze. “And everyone is staring at me.”

  When Millie looked up at the others, they all cast their eyes down sheepishly. Zuki even threw her hands over her eyes for emphasis.

  “Would it help if we all turned around?” Ashley asked. Somehow they sounded dry and earnest all at the same time.

  “It’s okay.” Rainbow’s cheeks flushed. “I didn’t mean—”

  “We don’t mind!” Zuki declared, like it was the most ordinary request in the world, and spun around. “Okay, go!”

  Rainbow blinked. Millie smiled encouragingly, but turned to face the wall as Luna and Ashley did the same.

  Rainbow took a deep breath. “It—it was all because of my birthday party. My parents told me to invite everyone in my class. I was never very good at making friends, and I guess they thought it would help. I hadn’t been with them long—I’m adopted—and they really wanted me to feel at home.” She paused like she was trying to figure out how much of the story to tell. “The party didn’t go very well. My family is vegan, and Ruby and Annabelle complained about the food being gross—even though it wasn’t gross at all—and then none of the other kids would even try it. Not even the birthday cake. They made fun of all the games, so nobody wanted to play them. And then, in front of everyone, Ruby announced that everyone’s parents made them come because they felt sorry for me.”

  “That’s awful,” Millie said, still facing the wall. She could sense Luna’s guilt beside her.

  “Yeah,” Rainbow agreed sadly. “I thought it was going to be one bad day that we’d never have to talk about again. But by Monday afternoon, everyone at school was talking about how weird my parents were, and how my house smelled funny, and how I had thrown the worst party in existence. And it just never stopped from there—the laughing and the mean jokes. And I don’t know, maybe because I’m a little weird it makes it easier for people to laugh…”

  “No,” Millie said adamantly. “You didn’t do anything wrong.”

  Rainbow’s voice sunk. “Well, there was also that one time I threw up onstage…”

  Ashley and Zuki shuffled nearby. Clearly they’d heard about that particular incident. Maybe even seen it.

  “Still,” Millie insisted. “That isn’t a good reason to be targeted by bullies.” She didn’t think there was any good reason to be targeted by bullies.

  It was quiet for a long time, until Rainbow cleared her throat. “Um. You can all turn around now. That was the whole story.”

  Millie and the others turned to look at Rainbow, who adjusted her glasses self-consciously.

  “I’m sorry you had to go through that,” Zuki said. “But we have a rule in J-Club: this is a place where we get to be ourselves, and nobody gets to judge us.”

  “I thought it was a philosophy, not a rule,” Ashley pointed out tersely.

  Zuki ignored them. “You don’t have to worry here. The last thing we’d ever do is laugh at you.”

  Rainbow chewed the edge of her lip. “I just—I don’t want to join a club if it’s going to make things worse.”

  “It won’t,” Millie said, very sure of herself. “We won’t let Ruby and Annabelle bother you again. Right, Luna?”

  “Right,” Luna agreed without missing a beat.

  Rainbow looked like she desperately wanted to believe her.

  And Luna must’ve really wanted to reassure her, because she added, “If they give you any trouble again, I’ll make them stop.”

  Ashley scoffed. “How are you going to manage that when you still won’t even acknowledge any of us in public?”

  Luna narrowed her eyes. “It’s complicated.”

  “It’s not,” Ashley argued firmly. “But you don’t want to be seen with people that might make you a target. You don’t want to be treated like Rainbow, and you’ll abandon your friends if it means protecting yourself.” There was a sadness in their voice that flashed like an exploding star, bright and loud, before vanishing like it had never been there at all.

  Luna recoiled. Maybe she was trying to figure out where the sadness had come from, too. “That’s not fair.”

  “Maybe not, but it’s true,” Ashley replied.

  “No.” Luna’s voice shook. “I’m not the one who abandons my friends.”

  Ashley’s forehead crumpled with confusion. But Luna had already shifted away from them, breaking the eye contact. And because they were both stubborn, neither made an effort to repair what was clearly broken between the two of them.

  Millie wished she could make everything better. She could see they both cared, deep down. But how could she make them see that?

  Whatever had happened between the two of them wasn’t going to be fixed in a day. Maybe not even in a week. But maybe, with enough practice, they could at least learn to stop hurting each other.

  Millie kept thinking about what her mom would say when she’d scrape her knee or graze her elbow. That’s never going to heal if you don’t stop picking at it.

  Maybe broken friendships were the same.

  “Annabelle and Ruby pressure Luna to be someone she’s not. And that isn’t fair,” Millie said slowly. Carefully. She looked around at the others. “And if we’re doing the exact same thing, that isn’t fair either. Luna has just as much right to feel safe in J-Club as the rest of us. Even if that means keeping it a secret.”

  Luna wiped her eyes and looked around the room. “I love J-Club. It’s the only place where I can actually be myself.”

  Millie offered a smile. “Me too.”

  Ashley was unreadable at first, but then their face softened. “Okay,” they said finally. “I mean, I still think you should be honest, but Millie has a point.”

  “It’s not that I don’t want to be honest,” Luna said. “But telling everyone about J-Club … I’ll be making a choice that will change everything. If I start being honest about existing in my new world, I’m not sure I’ll be able to keep existing in my old one.”

  “What’s so great about a world where you can’t even be yourself?” Ashley’s voice was strained.

  Luna’s eyes watered. She blinked the tears away. “I—I don’t know. But for a long time, it’s the only one I had. They’re the only friends I had.”

  Ashley flinched.

  “Wait. Does that mean you might not keep J-Club a secret forever?
” Zuki asked suddenly, breaking through the tension. Her eyebrows went up, up, up like she was a balloon racing for the clouds. “Because we have five members now. We could do it, if we wanted to.”

  Rainbow looked puzzled. “Do what?”

  Millie didn’t have to ask. She could see the yearning in Zuki’s face. The hope. “Pop Showcase,” she said softly.

  Luna’s face fell. “You want to audition? But—but the performance is—”

  “—in front of the whole school,” Zuki finished. “I know. But the final show would still be months away, and that’s if we even make it through auditions. Which I totally think we will, for the record. And by then who cares what Ruby and Annabelle think? You’ll be in Pop Showcase! How could they possibly make fun of that?”

  “I don’t know…” Luna’s voice trailed off. “Can’t you just audition without me?”

  Zuki shook her head stubbornly. “We’re supposed to be imitating Generation Love. It’s either all of us or none of us.” Energy seemed to crackle all around her. “But I really think we could do it.”

  Rainbow’s nerves were making her fingers twitch. “The last time I was on a stage alone…”

  “You won’t be alone,” Zuki insisted. “We’re a club. And clubs stick together.”

  A smile appeared at the corner of Rainbow’s mouth.

  Millie raised a hand. “I’m in, definitely.”

  “I mean, I’ve got nothing else to do,” Ashley said with a sigh.

  Everyone looked at Luna and waited.

  “You’re allowed to say no,” Millie pointed out gently. “We all get a choice, and we’re still your friends no matter what.”

  “That’s true,” Zuki agreed. “Friends no matter what.”

  Luna stared at her hands and then found Zuki’s eyes. “Okay,” she said finally. “I’ll do it. But until I’m ready, J-Club still gets to be my secret, okay?”

  Zuki stuck out her hand. “It’s a deal.”

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR

  A breeze moved through the courtyard, sending a scattering of fallen leaves across the concrete. The autumn colors were starting to appear, leaving the trees flecked with crimson reds and walnut browns.

  Millie liked the way the air smelled, like apples and firewood. It was her favorite time of the year.

  “I don’t think I can do this,” Rainbow said. The cafeteria doors were only a few feet in front of her, but they may as well have been a thousand. She wasn’t going to budge.

  “It will be fine. We won’t let anyone pick on you, I promise,” Zuki urged. “And we’ll take turns getting our lunches so you won’t have to sit at the table alone for even a second. Just pretend they aren’t even there!”

  Rainbow shook her head.

  Millie looked up at the bright blue sky. There were only a few fluffy clouds scattered below the sun, and it was the warmest it had been all week. “We could eat outside,” she offered. “There are plenty of tables out here.”

  Rainbow looked up and her forehead wrinkled anxiously. “Really? You’d—you’d do that?”

  Millie remembered what it felt like to have nobody to sit with. She never wanted to go through that again, and she didn’t want it for Rainbow. “How about under the tree over there?”

  Rainbow, Zuki, and Ashley looked to where Millie was pointing, and then they all shuffled over to one of the tables in the courtyard. Zuki swiped at the stray leaves on the surface and took a seat.

  “You know,” Ashley started, sitting between Zuki and Rainbow, “you need to work on your armor.”

  Everyone looked up curiously, but especially Rainbow.

  “What do you mean?” she asked.

  Ashley shrugged. “I mean you have to protect your heart, even if it means wearing armor like you’re going into battle. You always look vulnerable—bullies like vulnerable.”

  Rainbow’s cheeks turned pink. “It’s not that easy.”

  “I know,” Ashley agreed, to everyone’s surprise. “It’s really hard, and it feels unnatural. Like you’re pretending to be someone you’re not. But I used to get picked on, too, a long time ago. And the only thing that ever made it stop was sticking up for myself and pretending like I was totally unaffected by what people said. ‘I don’t care what you think’ goes a long way. And the more you say it, the more you start to believe it.”

  Millie couldn’t hide her shock. Ashley was always so tough and unbothered by other people. It had never occurred to Millie that it was something they’d had to work at.

  Ashley noticed the surprise. “Brightside may be more accepting than most schools, but I used to be the only first grader here who openly talked about gender identity,” they explained. “It’s not exactly what you’d call a universal experience.”

  Zuki folded her hands beneath her chin. “I remember reading an interview with a Japanese fashion model—you know, the one from Generation Love’s very first music video?—and they said they didn’t come out as nonbinary until their twenties because they were still figuring out what label felt right for them.”

  “That’s the thing—everyone is different. I’m only one person with one experience. Not every nonbinary person is going to look like me, or dress like me, or even think like me. But I don’t believe there’s a time limit on anyone figuring out their gender—or their sexuality, which is a totally different thing,” Ashley explained.

  “Did you always know you were nonbinary?” Millie asked, and then immediately frowned, hoping she wasn’t saying the wrong thing. She cared about Ashley. The last thing Millie wanted to do was make a mistake with her words.

  Ashley let out a short laugh. “You don’t have to look so scared. It’s just gender and pronouns, right?”

  “I don’t know if I’m using the right language,” Millie admitted bashfully. “It was just me and my parents growing up. I’m not scared of gender, but I’m worried I don’t know the right way to talk about it.”

  “Nobody knows everything,” Ashley said. “We’re not computers! I think it matters more that people are respectful. And if you mess up, just apologize, correct yourself, and carry on, instead of making the focus all about how bad you feel, you know?”

  Millie relaxed. “Yeah. That makes sense.”

  “But to answer your question,” Ashley continued, “I remember on the first day of kindergarten, the teacher had asked all the students to line up outside the door—one line for girls and one line for boys. And I remember hesitating. It seemed so easy for everyone else to just get into line without thinking about it. But for me? I guess that was one of the first moments when I thought, ‘Why do I have to choose? Why are there only two options? And why do neither of them feel right for me?’” Ashley leaned back. “My mom saw me hesitate, and we talked about it. And I guess after a while, I just figured if it wasn’t a big deal to me or my mom, then why should it be a big deal to anyone else? So when I started first grade, I told my teacher ‘they’ and ‘them’ were the pronouns that made me feel good about myself.”

  “I think it’s great you were able to tell the teachers about your pronouns,” Millie said. “I’m too scared to correct them even when they say my name wrong.”

  “Standing up for yourself is like anything else—it takes practice.” Ashley turned to Rainbow. “But it gets easier.”

  “Not for me,” Rainbow said sadly. “My parents always say I’m extra-sensitive, and maybe I am. But when people are mean to me, I just want to disappear and never come back. Because the words—the meanness—it follows me around all the time. It becomes a permanent voice in my mind, playing on repeat.” She shook her head. “I don’t know how to turn that off.”

  “You shouldn’t care what a few jerks think,” Zuki offered. “One day, when we all graduate, you’ll never have to see them again for the entire rest of your life.”

  Ashley nodded. “You just have to make the decision. That you’re not going to let their words get through your armor.”

  Rainbow forced a thin smile, but her eyes were tired.
Because they didn’t get it. They didn’t understand.

  “It’s not that easy,” Millie said, and when Rainbow smiled gratefully, the words rushed out of her. “Because sometimes when people are mean, it makes you feel like you don’t belong. Like someone is slamming a door in your face, and you have no idea what you even did. It makes you feel like you aren’t welcome. And it’s worse when you don’t have any friends because there’s nobody to tell you otherwise.” She swallowed the lump in her throat, remembering her first week at Brightside Academy. Maybe it was easier for people to stand up for themselves when they had people behind them. A safe space to return to. But not everyone was lucky enough to have that kind of support. “Besides, being sensitive isn’t necessarily a bad thing.”

  Ashley sniffed. “I’d rather protect my heart than risk someone hurting it, but that’s just me.”

  “That sounds kind of lonely,” Millie said. And she considered herself somewhat of an expert on being lonely.

  Ashley shrugged like they didn’t care. “What’s the point in making friends when one day they’ll ditch you for someone else anyway?” They shook their head. “They might even ditch you for people they don’t even like.”

  The others exchanged a glance. Luna wasn’t there, but it was obvious who Ashley was referring to.

  “I think of you as my friend,” Millie offered.

  Ashley raised an eyebrow.

  “So do I,” Zuki said, nudging them with her shoulder. “And Rainbow, too. Being in J-Club means we’re automatically friends. Those are just the rules. And before you say anything about not liking rules or philosophies or people, for that matter, I’d like to remind you that I’m president. I can do what I want.”

  “That’s not what a president is supposed to do,” Ashley grumbled while everyone else laughed. “And if we’re friends, then we’re the most random bunch of friends in the history of the world.”

  Millie smiled. “I’m okay with that.”

  “Me too,” Zuki said.

  “Me too,” Rainbow agreed.

  And even though Ashley rolled their eyes, they didn’t stop smiling.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE