The New Normal

by Brogan, Tracy

  As they approached, Carli took a breath, and Mia reached over and squeezed her hand.

  “Hi, Dad,” Mia said, remaining seated and causing Steve to lean in for a clumsy hug.

  “Hey, peanut. I didn’t expect to see you here. I figured you’d be studying.”

  “Well, it’s Tess’s first volleyball game, so I thought it was important to come and support her,” Mia answered, mimicking Carli’s earlier words.

  Carli squeezed her hand back, a silent promise to keep that little lie between them as if Mia hadn’t just been bitching about having to be here.

  “Right. Of course. Well, that’s why we’re here. To support our girl.”

  Carli could feel the eyes on them and hear the slight murmurs. Steve’s voice was loud and always traveled. Another of the many things she did not miss about him on a long and substantial list. “This is Jade, by the way,” he said. “Jade, this is my oldest daughter, Mia.”

  Jade? Really?

  Jade was tall, with reddish-brown hair that turned to nearly blonde at the tips. Some might call that style ombré, but Carli just called it a bad dye job. She was reed thin (aren’t they always?) and had a hawkish nose accentuated by a pair of thick-framed, ultra-hipster glasses. Wide-legged jeans over chunky ankle boots, and a scarf so long it circled her throat and still hung down past her waist on either side. She was maybe thirty. If there’d been ten women in a lineup, this one would’ve been the last one Carli would’ve thought Steve might choose. She was not remotely his type, and Carli knew his type. She’d been married to the man for almost twenty years. He liked curvy blondes with big breasts. Basically, the opposite of Carli, and yet also the opposite of this myopic stick figure, too.

  “Hi,” Mia said to the woman. “Can you guys scooch a little? I can’t see the game.”

  “Sure,” Steve answered while glancing at Carli. She eyed him back, offering a slow, bland blink, as if daring him to introduce her, but there was really no avoiding it.

  “Jade, this is Carli.”

  “Hi,” the woman said, looking neither friendly nor threatened nor in any way interested in adding to her greeting. Good call.

  “Hi,” Carli said in return. It was on the tip of her tongue to say, “Nice to meet you,” because that’s what you always said when meeting someone new, except it wasn’t nice to meet her. And yet Carli really had to tamp down the urge to say it anyway. Just to be polite. She didn’t smile, either. She was a rock.

  Steve and his date sat down two rows in front of them, and the woman, Jade, promptly pulled a phone from her beaded fabric purse and started texting someone. Mia stole a glance Carli’s way. She just shrugged and shook her head, but on the inside all her organs were turning to lava. Not because she was jealous—not really—but because it was so very disrespectful to just show up with some woman that neither she nor her kids knew anything about. How was Tess supposed to feel? How was Mia supposed to feel? She breathed in through her nose, deep and slow, and kept her eyes straight ahead, because certainly there were other eyes trained on her.

  She thought about texting him a barrage of nasty messages, but to what end? She didn’t want him to know she was seething inside. She wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of knowing she was upset. Because he’d just call her hysterical and irrational and say something patently stupid, like, “We’re divorced. This is none of your business.”

  And maybe it wasn’t. They were divorced. And it wasn’t her business whom he spent his time with. But there was still a matter of being respectful, and of being sensitive to how the kids might feel about him having a new woman in his life. A woman significant enough to bring to a school function.

  “Why? Why would he do that?” she said to Erin and DeeDee later that evening. She’d called a Wine Emergency, and they’d met over at DeeDee’s house. “And why am I crying? I don’t want to waste tears on him.”

  In the months after Steve had left, she’d cried buckets. Not because she’d lost something wonderful but because the end of a marriage was sad. Even the end of a crappy one. She’d felt overwhelmed and scared and isolated and unlovable. She’d felt angry and wounded and helpless and doomed. Those days when the kids were gone and she’d hidden under her covers, she’d wondered if she’d ever, ever feel better. But slowly, so slowly, she’d emerged from the fog. She took showers and made lunches for the kids and got her nails done and watched funny movies. She drank wine with her girlfriends, analyzing every aspect of the marriage and its subsequent failure, until all the details had been hashed and rehashed and there was simply nothing more to say. After months of looking back and wondering what if this or what if that, she’d finally said goodbye to the past and vowed to face the future. She didn’t care that he’d found someone else, so why did it feel as if she did?

  DeeDee patted her arm. “If it makes you feel any better, honey, my ex-husband brought a date to my father’s funeral, but you go ahead and cry if you want to. You’ve earned it. The first of the new girlfriends is always the hardest to take. It’s a shock to the system, but eventually you’ll realize those women are just like cold sores, popping up at the most inconvenient times. And making you feel kind of ugly.”

  Carli snuffled into a fresh tissue. “She’s not even his type. She’s not pretty or glamorous, and the whole time we were at the game, she was texting someone on her phone. She never even acknowledged Tess, and they left before it was over.” She took a gulp of wine and plucked another tissue from the now nearly empty box that DeeDee had provided.

  “What did the kids say when you got home?” Erin asked.

  “Not much. They didn’t seem to want to talk about it, but I think they were more worried about me than themselves.”

  “This is uncharted territory for everyone,” Erin said. “But you’ll all get through it. You know that him dating was inevitable, because they all seem to do it. Men can’t stand the idea of being alone.”

  Carli thought about Ben and his date the other night but knew if she mentioned it right now, Erin and DeeDee would get the wrong impression.

  “Mom!” a gruff voice called from upstairs. It was DeeDee’s oldest son. “Where’s my football uniform? We have team photos tomorrow.”

  “Did you put it in the hamper or is it wadded up on the floor of your room?” she shouted back. “’Cause if you don’t put it in the hamper, Momma ain’t puttin’ it in the washer.”

  There was a pause and the sounds of shuffling and doors creaking and hampers thumping before he called back down. “It’s in the hamper now. Will you come wash it so I can have it tomorrow?” Another pause. “Please?”

  DeeDee looked at Carli and Erin. “See? It’s this. This is why men can’t be alone. It’s because mommas like me do laundry at their beck and call. And we feed them, and we buy them socks and underwear. Am I officially part of the problem if I go wash his football uniform right now?”

  “Probably,” Erin said. “But I absolve you, because if you don’t wash it, then he’ll just wear it anyway and he’ll stink to high heaven.”

  “I should head home anyway,” Carli said. “I have to work in the morning, and this 7:00 a.m. start time is a bitch.”

  “That’s the price of celebrity, I guess,” DeeDee said, standing up from her chair. “But you’ve been amazing in the show, and I’m still all a-tingle that you’re actually on TV. Hey, speaking of tingles, is Troy Buckman single right now? I would totally tap that.”

  Carli smiled for the first time all evening. “You do not want any piece of Troy Buckman. I promise. But I’ll give him your number, just in case.”

  “Would you? Tell him I could rock his world,” DeeDee answered.

  “I will definitely include that in the message,” Carli said, walking to the front door with Erin right behind her.

  “I’m sorry about Steve,” Erin said as they left DeeDee’s driveway and started walking down the street toward their own houses.

  “I know. It just hurts so much more than I thought it would, you know? This process
is not at all linear. I’ll have days and weeks where everything is great and I feel fine, but then some dumb thing will set me off and it’s back to square one. I was at the mall the other day and I saw a shirt that Steve would’ve really liked, and I was thinking, Oh, I should buy that for him for Christmas. But then I realized I won’t be getting him gifts anymore. It’s just . . . weird.”

  “I get it. You have all those habits that married people have, and it’s hard to recalibrate.”

  “Right? And it’s not that I want him back. God, I so do not want him back. It’s just . . . I don’t know. They were so comfortable with each other, and he made it seem like him being there with her was easy and normal and no big deal. Like he had all the parts of his new life all lined up, and any of the stuff we’d shared between us was just . . . dust. And since he’s dating and I’m not, it makes it look like he’s totally capable of relationships, which means I’m the reason our marriage failed.”

  Erin rubbed her back for the briefest moment as they walked. “I get that it feels that way, Carli, but it’s simply not true. I know how hard you worked to keep that marriage going. I watched what you put up with, and as much as divorce sucks, I believe you are better off without him.”

  Carli shuffled her feet along the road like a kid. “I know. I guess I’m just a little humiliated. I thought he’d miss me longer than that.”

  “Oh, don’t kid yourself. He does miss you. That’s why he had to go find another warm body to make himself feel better. What’s that saying? Women grieve and men replace? And just because he’s got some woman, don’t assume this is some fairy-tale romance he’s got brewing. Steve is the same guy he’s always been. He’s found somebody willing to put up with his fragile ego for a little while, but it won’t last. He’ll jump from one superficial relationship to the next because they’re nonthreatening, and since he has no capacity to grow emotionally, he’ll never make a deeper connection with someone. He’s just not wired that way. You are, and you deserve a man who can meet you at your level.”

  “Oh yeah. And those guys are all over the place.”

  Erin nodded slowly as they reached the end of Carli’s driveway. “They are unicorns. I got very lucky when I found Rick, but we still have to work on stuff. We put up with each other’s crap, but at the end of the day, he’s always got my back and I trust him.”

  Carli let out a great big sigh. “Someday maybe I’ll find a Rick, but honestly, if one showed up right now, I wouldn’t be ready. The idea of dating makes me woozy. I can’t imagine going through all that work of getting to know someone new. And even if I did go on a date, what would they expect? Because I’m not the kind to jump right into bed, not to mention the fact that no one except Steve has seen me naked since I was in college. Nothing on me is where it used to be.”

  Erin chuckled. “I’m sure the important stuff is still pretty close to where it’s supposed to be, and I’ve told you a million times that you look fabulous. We’ve all shifted by this age, but you’re still a catch. Any guy would be lucky to have you. Maybe you ought to take that new neighbor of yours out for a test drive.” Erin tilted her chin toward Ben’s house.

  His kitchen lights were on, and Carli could see the silhouette of him sitting at his kitchen table. She laughed in between her leftover sniffles.

  “Oh sure. That would be a great idea. Test-drive some guy who’s in the throes of his own shitstorm of a divorce. And then have to live next to him for goodness knows how long. What could possibly go wrong?”

  “Maybe it would go just right.”

  Carli shook her head. “It’s too complicated. He’s too close. I mean, physically close. It’s not like we can have some fling and then just go back to saying hello to each other at the mailbox. That would be way too awkward for me. Besides, I’m pretty sure he had a date the other night.”

  “He did?”

  “I think so. She seemed kind of drunk when they got back here.”

  “Maybe it was his sister.”

  “I hope not, given the way she was groping him.”

  “Hm,” Erin said. “Well, I wouldn’t write him off entirely. Rick talked to him for a while at the barbecue and seems to think he’s a pretty okay guy.”

  “Duly noted, but I’m still not ready to start dating, and even if I was, I think he’s a little too close for comfort.”

  Erin shrugged. “Okay, if you say so. But keep in mind, if you don’t go after him, DeeDee might get there first.”

  Chapter 20

  “Katrina Hogan is our digital content producer,” Marlow told Carli as they waited in the Channel 7 conference room. “She’s the one who handles all the station’s social media stuff and is responsible for keeping the rest of us up-to-date on the latest trends. She’s only twenty-six, so half the stuff she says makes no sense to me, and she finds most of us woefully out of touch. It’s a bit insulting, but I guess that’s why we need her. She can be a little snarky and pretentious. You remember being in your twenties, right? Back when we knew everything about everything and thought no one over forty could be trusted?”

  Carli nodded.

  “Okay, well, that’s Katrina. She’s kind of obnoxious, but she knows her stuff, and Jessica trusts her.”

  “Got it,” Carli said. “So what do they want to talk to me about?”

  Marlow shrugged. “Not sure, but here they come, so we’re about to find out.”

  Jessica came into the room holding a laptop computer under her arm and a thermal coffee mug in her hand that said BOSS LADY, followed by a petite young woman with perfectly straight auburn hair wearing a high-waisted black pencil skirt and a sheer black silk blouse with a camisole underneath. Her makeup was bold but flattering. She also had a laptop and a coffee mug. Hers said BITCH, PLEASE. Her smile was tight, and Carli got the sense this meeting wouldn’t be that fun. Jessica made the introductions, and Katrina got right to the point.

  “So, yeeeeaaaah, we need to talk about your social media presence, for starters,” Katrina said without preamble.

  “What about my social media presence?” Carli asked.

  “You don’t have any,” Katrina replied. “Recipes and quips about funny things your kids say is not a platform. It’s not even a Christmas letter. You need a brand. We’re hoping to set you up as a kind of influencer for the over-forty set, even aside from what you do on the show. It’s actually a good thing, so don’t feel bad.”

  She hadn’t felt bad . . . until Katrina said that. Because it felt very much as if Katrina thought she actually should feel bad about something.

  “I mean, this whole meeting is actually a compliment, because early data shows you score high in likability and trustworthiness, so Jessica and I were thinking we really need to amp up your online presence. You know, Facebook, Snapchat, Instagram, Twitter.”

  Carli wasn’t thrilled to hear that. She had no aptitude for that stuff. Instagram was a complete mystery, and Twitter was like walking into a party where everyone was talking at once about topics she wasn’t familiar with. And Snapchat, with all those damn filters? She’d once accidentally sent a photo of herself looking like a caveman to Steve, and she had yet to live that down. He’d had the image put on her birthday cake that year. But hey, at least he’d remembered to get her a cake.

  “We can help you with all that if you don’t know how to utilize the apps,” Katrina said. “I know they don’t make sense if you didn’t grow up with them like I did. But hey, I just found out what a rotary phone was, so it all balances out, right?” She laughed, but Carli just nodded.

  “We were also thinking”—she said each word slowly as if to build the suspense—“we would have you try some of the things we feature on the show, like some of the cutting-edge beauty treatments, because if viewers see you trying it, they’ll be less intimidated. Plus, it’ll be fun to watch.”

  “Beauty treatments?”

  “Yeah, you know. Like CoolSculpting, vampire facials, vaginal rejuvenation.”

  “Vaginal . . . Excuse me
?” Carli’s voice crackled with disbelief. They wanted her to try what now?

  Katrina rolled her eyes and tossed her thick auburn hair over her shoulder. “It’s a thing. You know, for when you’ve had your kids and you’ve gotten older and, I don’t know, I guess your va-jay can age just like the rest of your skin, so this treatment tightens it back up. Or something. I don’t have that issue, so I haven’t really done the research, but I do know that we’ve got the owners of Divine Goddess Day Spa coming on the show next month, and I think it would be an awesome segment if you got some of the treatments done. Then you can be the before and after client.”

  “You want pictures . . . of my vagina?”

  Katrina’s eyes went wide before she burst out laughing. “Oh my God, no. That would be so gross! Not to mention that we’d never get it on the air. No, we’d film you getting stuff done to your face and maybe your stomach ahead of time, and then show your before and after photos on the show.” Katrina’s head wobbling and snickering continued as she muttered under her breath, “Seriously? Your vagina on TV.”

  Carli looked over at Jessica to see what her take was on this. She must be in her mid- to late forties, if not even a little bit older. Her skin was still flawlessly youthful, but she had to be at least as old as Carli. As usual, the news director’s face was impassive and impossible to read, but she did place a hand on Katrina’s wrist.

  “Kat, this meeting is supposed to be about broad strokes, not the finer details. Let’s just give Carli more of a general idea of what we have in mind.”

  If any part of what they had in mind included her vagina, Carli was going to have to take a hard pass, but Katrina nodded, her fingers flying over the keyboard of the laptop in front of her, and seconds later an image popped up on the presentation screen against the wall of the conference room. It was a Facebook page with one of Carli’s promotional photos as the profile picture and underneath it had her full legal name—Carlisle Holmes Lancaster.

  “So, yeah, back to your social media platform. We think you should drop your last name. Lancaster is your married name, right? That’s easy to undo, and Carlisle Holmes has a nice ring to it. I already talked to the marketing department, and they think they can make the switch without too much trouble. The show has only been on for a couple of weeks, and no one really knows your name yet. The public will understand.”