Double Edged Hearts

by Gray, Khardine

  I meant it when I said I wanted the taste of her in my soul. I do, and I want it there all over again. I lick over her clit until she moans and writhes against my face and I grip her hips, holding her in place so I can push my tongue in deeper. This was how we started Tijuana. Me feasting on her on the breakfast table of the little beach hut we stayed in.

  Her hands dig into my hair, beckoning me to continue tasting, so I do and she comes, filling my mouth with that sweet nectar I crave.

  I’m drunk on her, and yet I want more, so I take it all as she writhes against me, moaning at my touch.

  I move back to look at her now in the arms of passion in this weakened state where I can do whatever I want to her. She’s breathless and exactly where I want her. My cock is rock hard and aching to be inside her body.

  “Baby, the Bahamas is going to have to wait until the next round.” Or I’m going to blow my load right here just from looking at her and embarrass myself.

  She nods, and a sexy smile spreads across her face when she looks down at my boxers and sees the bulge of my cock.

  “What did you expect?” I smirk with a wink, and then I reach for her again.

  I shove my boxers down and free my cock. Eagerness takes me, and I plunge deep into her pussy, claiming her one more time. It may be the last time tonight/this morning.

  I plunge in deep, and I already know I won’t last. She feels too good with her walls wrapped around my length.

  I pound into her, fucking her hard until she cries out, my name on her lips. This was what I wanted. To hear that. I never tire of hearing her scream my name when she comes. Those are the times when she feels most like mine.

  Her cries encourage me to take her over the edge, and I lose control of my movements. My body takes over, pounding then hammering into her until she starts moving against me too.

  It’s like we’ve been possessed and we both go insane on the entity that’s come to claim us. I want her, and she wants me. I fuck her so hard she screams, and that’s it. I thunder into her, and as I come, it drains me.

  It takes all that I have, and just like every time, it strengthens this bond I have with her that I know I shouldn’t indulge in. It’s hard not to when she’s looking at me like that. We stare at each other in silence. Her eyes give her away, and I can’t shield what I feel for her. She can see me. She can see what’s inside me. I think anyone who looks at me can see it.

  I love her.

  I’m a fool. I knew what this was, and I’ve been going around for years trying to figure it out. As if love wasn’t staring me in the face the whole time. It was all there right from the start.

  Cora had me at hello. She had my heart at first sight.

  But it’s just like me to want things I can’t have.

  As I reach for her she circles her arms around me, I savor the feel of her in my arms. At the same time I know I’d do well to remember this is just a fantasy.

  She’ll be gone by morning.

  Chapter Six

  Cora

  I left just after the sun came up.

  Just like the past I woke in Alex’s arms and while I felt like staying there, the dawn of the new day brought with it my fears.

  Fear.

  That’s the enemy here, my biggest enemy. I’m afraid to love him because I know what loving him means.

  I’m afraid to be like my mother.

  I’m afraid to walk the path she walked and set myself up for a fall.

  So while I spent the night making love to the only man I’ve ever given my heart to, I knew fear would come back to haunt me the minute the sun came up.

  Alex is right, I do trust him. I just don’t want to.

  The reason for that is I can’t trust myself.

  I can’t trust myself or my heart because that’s what my mother did. I’m like her in so many ways so I know that’s what she did when she decided to marry a man like my father.

  A gangster… a criminal.

  Yes, it’s true. That’s what he was. I never saw him that way though. As such that’s not how I described him, not even in my mind. To me he was just Dad.

  The thought of them… the two of them, sends a shiver down my spine. I’m always conflicted when I think of them because I loved my parents with all my heart. At least I did until I found out what my father did.

  It’s just gone seven, and I’ve been back at the apartment for a little while now, sitting by the window gazing out at the Chicago skyline.

  I’m waiting for him. For Alex. I left the door open, hoping that when he wakes he’ll come after me.

  I know him so well that I know he’ll come. He’ll certainly feel the need to after the way we were last night. Everything we did was more intense than we’ve ever been. It was like we couldn’t get enough of each other, and at the same time like we were scared to be without each other.

  He touched me in a way that made me think he was trying to commit me to memory. So me walking out again is going to be something that will grate him.

  It takes another half an hour before footsteps sound in the living room. They’re his. I recognize them. They’re powerful and demanding, always in control.

  I stand up when he enters the bedroom. I probably look like shit from the tears staining my cheeks, but I can’t care about that now.

  His red eyes hold me in place, filled with fury, and his handsome face looks pale.

  “We can’t live like this, Cora,” he begins, jumping right into the heated conversation I anticipated.

  “No… we can’t,” I agree.

  I’ve already gone through all our problems in my mind, and came up with an answer that will fix things once and for all. I have it, but I’m going to have to tell him more than I have. I’m going to have to tell him everything, the full story of why I left him and why I can’t be with him.

  “Cora, what do you want?” he demands. He stares me down waiting for an answer.

  “I can’t have what I want,” I reply, summoning the energy to talk.

  “What do you want?” His voice rises with each word.

  “You…” I answer weakly, and a tear runs down my cheek.

  “I want you too, so why do we keep doing this? Why are we doing this?”

  I shake my head and press my lips together. “Because my future can’t be with you.”

  His eyes cloud with hurt. He comes closer, never taking his eyes off me, not even to blink, and stops a breath away.

  “Why? Why can’t your future be with me, Cora?”

  “I can’t live my life in the mob. I can’t put myself in danger the way my mother did.” Confessing my fear jabs a pin at my heart.

  His brows draw together and he eyes me narrowly. “What are you talking about?”

  “My… father was a gangster. … he killed my mother,” I answer and his eyes widen. It’s the first time I’ve said those words out loud. The last time they were spoken was four years ago when Richard told me.

  “What are you saying Cora?” he asks in disbelief.

  “My father… killed my mother.” I start to tremble and I have to press my feet into the deep fibers of the carpet to ground myself.

  “You never told me that. I thought your parents were already dead when we got together. You said they died when you were fourteen.”

  “They did, but I found out how they died four years ago,” I answer and realization fills his face. “Before that I thought it was one of my father’s enemies that got to them. It was Richard who told me the truth. My father killed my mother, then he killed himself after. It looked like they had an argument after she did something she wasn’t supposed to. It seemed it was an accident but still…”

  Accident or not, there was a gun and Dad shot Mom. It doesn’t matter why or how it happened. The minute he took out his gun, it meant he intended to use it in some way. When Richard told me, I couldn’t believe it, and had the words been spoken by someone else, I would have refused to believe. Richard said there was evidence of a drug trafficking job my fat
her wanted to do and Mom contacted the police.

  The problem with being with a dangerous man is that they’re unpredictable. You never know what can happen or what will make them snap. I won’t live my life in fear of danger, or… the worry of Alex changing into some kind of monster.

  What if we have kids? I won’t allow them to suffer the way I did. No parents, no family to turn to. Just my mother’s best friend. Richard didn’t have to take care of me, but he did.

  When Richard found out I was seeing Alex he came to Chicago to get me. Essentially to break us up. The only thing that would make me listen to him was hearing a truth he never wanted to tell me. He didn’t want me to end up with a gangster and have the same life and death my mother had.

  It was when I tried to defend my relationship that he opened my eyes. I couldn’t handle the truth. I was already grieving for the loss of my parents. Anyone who knows me knows I never speak about them more than the basics. I never even told Alex much about them. When they died my soul died too. When Richard told me what really happened it ripped me apart so I just left and went AWOL on everyone. That’s what happened to me.

  “I’m sorry. I’m truly sorry that happened,” Alex says. “That’s… why you left.”

  “Yes. It crushed me to hear such a thing and I couldn’t be around anybody.”

  I can’t explain more than that. Richard told me what happened and my world crumbled around me. Everything I thought was the truth became a lie. I’d grown up watching my father take care of me and my mother. Hearing that he was the devil who took my mother away from me leaving me alone in the world to fend for myself sent me over the edge. The only thing I could do was leave, leave everybody and figure things out by myself and in my own time. I was also angry at Richard for keeping the truth from me for so long.

  “Cora, do you think I would ever hurt you like that?”

  “Nobody knows what can happen. There are many ways you can hurt me Alex. My father worked for every kind of criminal you could think of before he met my mother. He gave up that life when they got married but it followed them. We were always moving around to keep safe.” I pause to catch my breath. This is the most I’ve spoken about my family and my past to anyone. “You aren’t even looking to leave the business.”

  “Is that what you want?”

  I wince and shake my head. “No. I don’t want you to do that. It wouldn’t change anything if you did, anyway. Who you are is enough. You’re capo to a powerful boss. I know what that means. I know what it means for your life. I know who you are and what you are. It will always follow you no matter what you do. It’s danger and death. I don’t want to live my life like that Alex. I don’t want a future like that.”

  I don’t want to be like my mother.

  His expression wavers, changing with realization. He knows I’m right. The reminder of danger and death seems to have been the trigger.

  “Cora…”

  “I love you,” I tell him and his eyes darken. My words are in complete confliction to everything I’ve said, but he needs to know that. It’s important to me. “I think I must have gone to our place because I wanted to see you one last time. My heart knew you’d find me. I guess I wanted to say goodbye properly and let you go.”

  He presses his lips together, and his eyes fill with deep sadness, reflecting the desolation in my heart. He reaches out and touches my cheek. That warmth fills me, beckoning me to change my mind and give in to the temptation that always claims me when we’re together.

  When he drops his hand, something leaves me. Something breaks inside me that feels wrong.

  That something feels even worse when he walks away. He stops before he gets to the door though, and turns back to face me.

  “I love you too,” he says, then he walks through the door, leaving me.

  My heart shatters as the tears fall.

  * * *

  I went into work early.

  Deciding I couldn’t stay in that apartment for another second, I headed out a few minutes after Alex left.

  I came into the office and sat at my desk with a cup of coffee I got from the machine in the breakroom.

  It’s just gone eight so Lyndsey will be in soon. I don’t want to be in this funk when she gets here. I want to push everything that’s happened to the back of my mind and the back of my heart.

  I keep thinking about earlier. Alex told me he loved me. He never said goodbye though. That will always stay with me, along with the memory of the hurt in his eyes as he walked away.

  Joining the Bureau was about starting over with a new beginning and new ideas, something different to the path I was on. So far it’s been good and I’ve had opportunities to do all sorts of things.

  Is it what I wanted to do? No. That will always be the answer to that question. However, it does align with all my academic studies at MIT and if my expertise wasn’t good enough I wouldn’t have been placed on a case like this.

  When I got back from Europe I came to the conclusion that I needed a fresh start and maybe doing what Richard always hoped for me to do by joining him here wasn’t so bad. So far it hasn’t been.

  I sip on my coffee and allow the caffeine to work into my mind, lifting the fog of exhaustion.

  I can’t think about Alex anymore. Today was the end and I have to make myself believe it. I can’t be blamed for wanting to have a normal life. People say you can’t help who you love, but what happens when your life is in danger because of that person? It’s not like the chance of danger is minimal. It’s something he and his crew worry about all the time.

  Alex had to kill his own brother, and he lost another to violence. I never mentioned that when I was talking to him because I didn’t want him to feel bad.

  Jude will always be a touchy subject and I used to worry it would break him. I was there for him during that time and I saw what Jude’s death did to him. That was the first time that he broke down that tough guy exterior and I saw his true self. That year we saw more of each other. I just wanted to make sure he was okay. It was two years after that incident that Richard found out about us. Just when I saw we were getting serious, and at that stage when I knew we’d have to start telling people.

  Maybe we were never meant to be.

  Lyndsey comes in five minutes later, early for work just as I thought.

  Although she looks exhausted, she has that lightness in her eyes that always comes from speaking to Owen. Today I admire it like I usually do, but it’s the first time that I feel my soul weep. Before, I just felt guilty for leaving Alex, now there’s a pain in my soul I have to push aside.

  “Morning,” Lyndsey beams.

  “Hey there,” I answer and smile a smile I don’t quite feel.

  “You look like you had a rough night. You okay?” she asks, taking her seat across from me.

  “I’m not too bad.”

  I’ve never told her about Alex. Sometimes I wish I had. At least I’d have someone to talk to. I’m not used to having friends I keep longer than a few months. All that moving around I did as a child taught me to never get close to anyone. Or at least not for too long.

  I did the same thing in my adult life. Lyndsey is perhaps the longest friendship I’ve had. It’s coming up to two and a half years since we’ve known each other.

  “How about you?” I ask. “Did you get to speak to Owen?”

  She chuckles. “I did, and I miss my guy. I’m sorry I was away for so long. I wanted to see if you were okay before you left.”

  “Don’t worry about me, and never worry about speaking to him for too long. It’s nice.”

  Her smile brightens. “He always makes me feel better. Always.”

  My guy used to make me feel better too. “I’m glad you have him.”

  “Me too.” She smiles but then uncertainty clouds her eyes. “I won’t lie Cora, yesterday made me question my chosen line of work. It’s not every day you see terrible things like what we saw. I don’t want to look like I don’t have the balls for the job, or I c
an’t hack it like the other guys but damn… sometimes it’s too much.”

  I nod agreeing. “I know. It was too much for me too.”

  “At least you didn’t throw up in front of everybody.” She smirks.

  I incline my head to the side. “That doesn’t mean it didn’t make me sick. It did. I don’t know how people can be so evil.”

  “Me neither. When we read Matvey’s specs and I saw that he gouges out people’s eyes like a signature move, I was shocked but I didn’t think we’d see it for ourselves in real life. I don’t know what I expected. I’m going to need to toughen up though to continue my work on this case. I get this feeling there’s more. This guy is not just dangerous he’s sick. Psycho sick.”

  I think back to what Alex said about Matvey and I definitely agree with her. “Anybody who can take pride in doing shit like that is psychotic.”

  “It just makes me wonder how the hell we’re going to find him.”

  Matvey has two weeks on us. For all we know, he might have left Chicago and might even be on his way back to Russia. We don’t know, and the fact that we can’t find him suggests that could actually be the case.

  “I hate feeling lost,” Lyndsey adds.

  “Maybe we should go over the files again and look at the new evidence,” I suggest. “I can’t see anything from the two murders that will help but maybe I missed something.”

  “Looking over the files again is a good idea. Maybe we might find something more from yesterday’s findings,” she agrees. “The detective who was working the case is going to call me if anything more comes up on their side. I think at this point going over the files is really all we can do."

  If nothing else I need the distraction. Something to take my mind off Alex. I glance down at the paperwork on my desk. When I look back to Lyndsey she gives me a curious stare.

  “You okay Cora? You… something doesn’t seem right with you.” She observes. “Something non-job related.”

  I straighten up and think of how to answer that question. “I just have a few things on my mind.”

  “Like what?” She looks worried.