The Devil's Dictionary, Tales, and Memoirs: The Devil's Dictionary, Tales, and Memoirs

by Ambrose Bierce

  REFORM, v. A thing that mostly satisfies reformers opposed to reformation.

  REFUGE, n. Anything assuring protection to one in peril. Moses and Joshua provided six cities of refuge—Bezer, Golan, Ramoth, Kadesh, Schekem and Hebron—to which one who had taken life inadvertently could flee when hunted by relatives of the deceased. This admirable expedient supplied him with wholesome exercise and enabled them to enjoy the pleasures of the chase; whereby the soul of the dead man was appropriately honored by observances akin to the funeral games of early Greece.

  REFUSAL, n. Denial of something desired; as an elderly maiden’s hand in marriage, to a rich and handsome suitor; a valuable franchise to a rich corporation, by an alderman; absolution to an impenitent king, by a priest, and so forth. Refusals are graded in a descending scale of finality thus: the refusal absolute, the refusal conditional, the refusal tentative and the refusal feminine. The last is called by some casuists the refusal assentive.

  REGALIA, n. Distinguishing insignia, jewels and costume of such ancient and honorable orders as Knights of Adam; Visionaries of Detectable Bosh; the Ancient Order of Modern Troglodytes; the League of Holy Humbug; the Golden Phalanx of Phalangers; the Genteel Society of Expurgated Hoodlums; the Mystic Alliance of Gorgeous Regalians; Knights and Ladies of the Yellow Dog; the Oriental Order of Sons of the West; the Blatherhood of Insufferable Stuff; Warriors of the Long Bow; Guardians of the Great Horn Spoon; the Band of Brutes; the Impenitent Order of Wife-Beaters; the Sublime Legion of Flamboyant Conspicuants; Worshipers at the Electroplated Shrine; Shining Inaccessibles; Fee-Faw-Fummers of the Inimitable Grip; Jannissaries of the Broad-Blown Peacock; Plumed Increscencies of the Magic Temple; the Grand Cabal of Able-Bodied Sedentarians; Associated Deities of the Butter Trade; the Garden of Galoots; the Affectionate Fraternity of Men Similarly Warted; the Flashing Astonishers; Ladies of Horror; Coöperative Association for Breaking into the Spotlight; Dukes of Eden; Disciples Militant of the Hidden Faith; Knights-Champions of the Domestic Dog; the Holy Gregarians; the Resolute Optimists; the Ancient Sodality of Inhospitable Hogs; Associated Sovereigns of Mendacity; Dukes-Guardian of the Mystic Cess-Pool; the Society for Prevention of Prevalence; Kings of Drink; Polite Federation of Gents-Consequential; the Mysterious Order of the Undecipherable Scroll; Uniformed Rank of Lousy Cats; Monarchs of Worth and Hunger; Sons of the South Star; Prelates of the Tub-and-Sword.

  RELIGION, n. A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the nature of the Unknowable.

  “What is your religion my son?” inquired the Archbishop of Rheims.

  “Pardon, monseigneur,” replied Rochebriant; “I am ashamed of it.”

  “Then why do you not become an atheist?”

  “Impossible! I should be ashamed of atheism.”

  “In that case, monsieur, you should join the Protestants.”

  RELIQUARY, n. A receptacle for such sacred objects as pieces of the true cross, short-ribs of the saints, the ears of Balaam’s ass, the lung of the cock that called Peter to repentance and so forth. Reliquaries are commonly of metal, and provided with a lock to prevent the contents from coming out and performing miracles at unseasonable times. A feather from the wing of the Angel of the Annunciation once escaped during a sermon in Saint Peter’s and so tickled the noses of the congregation that they woke and sneezed with great vehemence three times each. It is related in the “Gesta Sanctorum” that a sacristan in the Canterbury cathedral surprised the head of Saint Dennis in the library. Reprimanded by its stern custodian, it explained that it was seeking a body of doctrine. This unseemly levity so enraged the diocesan that the offender was publicly anathematized, thrown into the Stour and replaced by another head of Saint Dennis, brought from Rome.

  RENOWN, n. A degree of distinction between notoriety and fame—a little more supportable than the one and a little more intolerable than the other. Sometimes it is conferred by an unfriendly and inconsiderate hand.

  I touched the harp in every key,

  But found no heeding ear;

  And then Ithuriel touched me

  With a revealing spear.

  Not all my genius, great as ’tis,

  Could urge me out of night.

  I felt the faint appulse of his,

  And leapt into the light!

  W. J. Candleton.

  REPARATION, n. Satisfaction that is made for a wrong and deducted from the satisfaction felt in committing it.

  REPARTEE, n. Prudent insult in retort. Practiced by gentlemen with a constitutional aversion to violence, but a strong disposition to offend. In a war of words, the tactics of the North American Indian.

  REPENTANCE, n. The faithful attendant and follower of Punishment. It is usually manifest in a degree of reformation that is not inconsistent with continuity of sin.

  Desirous to avoid the pains of Hell,

  You will repent and join the Church, Parnell?

  How needless!—Nick will keep you off the coals

  And add you to the woes of other souls.

  Jomater Abemy.

  REPLICA, n. A reproduction of a work of art, by the artist that made the original. It is so called to distinguish it from a “copy,” which is made by another artist. When the two are made with equal skill the replica is the more valuable, for it is supposed to be more beautiful than it looks.

  REPORTER, n. A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it with a tempest of words.

  “More dear than all my bosom knows, O thou

  Whose ‘lips are sealed’ and will not disavow!”

  So sang the blithe reporter-man as grew

  Beneath his hand the leg-long “interview.”

  Barson Maith.

  REPOSE, v. i. To cease from troubling.

  REPRESENTATIVE, n. In national politics, a member of the Lower House in this world, and without discernible hope of promotion in the next.

  REPROBATION, n. In theology, the state of a luckless mortal prenatally damned. The doctrine of reprobation was taught by Calvin, whose joy in it was somewhat marred by the sad sincerity of his conviction that although some are foredoomed to perdition, others are predestined to salvation.

  REPUBLIC, n. A nation in which, the thing governing and the thing governed being the same, there is only a permitted authority to enforce an optional obedience. In a republic the foundation of public order is the ever lessening habit of submission inherited from ancestors who, being truly governed, submitted because they had to. There are as many kinds of republics as there are gradations between the despotism whence they came and the anarchy whither they lead.

  REQUIEM, n. A mass for the dead which the minor poets assure us the winds sing o’er the graves of their favorites. Sometimes, by way of providing a varied entertainment, they sing a dirge.

  RESIDENT, adj. Unable to leave.

  RESIGN, v. t. To renounce an honor for an advantage. To renounce an advantage for a greater advantage.

  ’Twas rumored Leonard Wood had signed

  A true renunciation

  Of title, rank and every kind

  Of military station—

  Each honorable station.

  By his example fired—inclined

  To noble emulation,

  The country humbly was resigned

  To Leonard’s resignation—

  His Christian resignation.

  Politian Greame.

  RESOLUTE, adj. Obstinate in a course that we approve.

  RESPECTABILITY, n. The offspring of a liaison between a bald head and a bank account.

  RESPIRATOR, n. An apparatus fitted over the nose and mouth of an inhabitant of London, whereby to filter the visible universe in its passage to the lungs.

  RESPITE, n. A suspension of hostilities against a sentenced assassin, to enable the Executive to determine whether the murder may not have been done by the prosecuting attorney. Any break in the continuity of a disagreeable expectation.

  Altgeld upon his incandescent bed

  Lay, an attendant demon at his head.
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  “O cruel cook, pray grant me some relief—

  Some respite from the roast, however brief.

  “Remember how on earth I pardoned all

  Your friends in Illinois when held in thrall.”

  “Unhappy soul! for that alone you squirm

  O’er fire unquenched, a never-dying worm.

  “Yet, for I pity your uneasy state,

  Your doom I’ll mollify and pains abate.

  “Naught, for a season, shall your comfort mar,

  Not even the memory of who you are.”

  Throughout eternal space dread silence fell;

  Heaven trembled as Compassion entered Hell.

  “As long, sweet demon, let my respite be

  As, governing down here, I’d respite thee.”

  “As long, poor soul, as any of the pack

  You thrust from jail consumed in getting back.”

  A genial chill affected Altgeld’s hide

  While they were turning him on t’other side.

  Joel Spate Woop.

  RESPLENDENT, adj. Like a simple American citizen beduking himself in his lodge, or affirming his consequence in the Scheme of Things as an elemental unit of a parade.

  The Knights of Dominion were so resplendent in their velvet-and-gold that their masters would hardly have known them. —“Chronicles of the Classes.”

  RESPOND, v. i. To make answer, or disclose otherwise a consciousness of having inspired an interest in what Herbert Spencer calls “external coexistences,” as Satan “squat like a toad” at the ear of Eve, responded to the touch of the angel’s spear. To respond in damages is to contribute to the maintenance of the plaintiff’s attorney and, incidentally, to the gratification of the plaintiff.

  RESPONSIBILITY, n. A detachable burden easily shifted to the shoulders of God, Fate, Fortune, Luck or one’s neighbor. In the days of astrology it was customary to unload it upon a star.

  Aas, things ain’t what we should see

  If Eve had let that apple be;

  And many a feller which had ought

  To set with monarchses of thought,

  Or play some rosy little game

  With battle-chaps on fields of fame,

  Is downed by his unlucky star,

  And hollers: “Peanuts!—here you are!”

  “The Sturdy Beggar.”

  RESTITUTION, n. The founding or endowing of universities and public libraries by gift or bequest.

  RESTITUTOR, n. Benefactor; philanthropist.

  RETALIATION, n. The natural rock upon which is reared the Temple of Law.

  RETRIBUTION, n. A rain of fire-and-brimstone that falls alike upon the just and such of the unjust as have not procured shelter by evicting them.

  In the lines following, addressed to an Emperor in exile by Father Gassalasca Jape, the reverend poet appears to hint his sense of the imprudence of turning about to face Retribution when it is taking exercise:

  What, what! Dom Pedro, you desire to go

  Back to Brazil to end your days in quiet?

  Why, what assurance have you ’twould be so?

  ’Tis not so long since you were in a riot,

  And your dear subjects showed a will to fly at

  Your throat and shake you like a rat. You know

  That empires are ungrateful; are you certain

  Republics are less handy to get hurt in?

  REVEILLE, n. A signal to sleeping soldiers to dream of battlefields no more, but get up and have their blue noses counted. In the American army it is ingeniously called “rev-e-lee,” and to that pronunciation our countrymen have pledged their lives, their misfortunes and their sacred dishonor.

  REVELATION, n. A famous book in which St. John the Divine concealed all that he knew. The revealing is done by the commentators, who know nothing.

  REVERENCE, n. The spiritual attitude of a man to a god and a dog to a man.

  REVIEW, v. t.

  To set your wisdom (holding not a doubt of it,

  Although in truth there’s neither bone nor skin to it)

  At work upon a book, and so read out of it

  The qualities that you have first read into it.

  REVOLUTION, n. In politics, an abrupt change in the form of misgovernment. Specifically, in American history, the substitution of the rule of an Administration for that of a Ministry, whereby the welfare and happiness of the people were advanced a full half-inch. Revolutions are usually accompanied by a considerable effusion of blood, but are accounted worth it—this appraisement being made by beneficiaries whose blood had not the mischance to be shed. The French revolution is of incalculable value to the Socialist of to-day; when he pulls the string actuating its bones its gestures are inexpressibly terrifying to gory tyrants suspected of fomenting law and order.

  RHADOMANCER, n. One who uses a divining-rod in prospecting for precious metals in the pocket of a fool.

  RIBALDRY, n. Censorious language by another concerning oneself.

  RIBROASTER, n. Censorious language by oneself concerning another. The word is of classical refinement, and is even said to have been used in a fable by Georgius Coadjutor, one of the most fastidious writers of the fifteenth century—commonly, indeed, regarded as the founder of the Fastidiotic School.

  RICE-WATER, n. A mystic beverage secretly used by our most popular novelists and poets to regulate the imagination and narcotize the conscience. It is said to be rich in both obtundite and lethargine, and is brewed in a midnight fog by a fat witch of the Dismal Swamp.

  RICH, adj. Holding in trust and subject to an accounting the property of the indolent, the incompetent, the unthrifty, the envious and the luckless. That is the view that prevails in the underworld, where the Brotherhood of Man finds its most logical development and candid advocacy. To denizens of the midworld the word means good and wise.

  RICHES, n.

  A gift from Heaven signifying, “This is my beloved son, in whom I am well pleased.” —John D. Rockefeller.

  The reward of toil and virtue. —J. P. Morgan.

  The savings of many in the hands of one. —Eugene Debs.

  To these excellent definitions the inspired lexicographer feels that he can add nothing of value.

  RIDICULE, n. Words designed to show that the person of whom they are uttered is devoid of the dignity of character distinguishing him who utters them. It may be graphic, mimetic or merely rident. Shaftesbury is quoted as having pronounced it the test of truth—a ridiculous assertion, for many a solemn fallacy has undergone centuries of ridicule with no abatement of its popular acceptance. What, for example, has been more valorously derided than the doctrine of Infant Respectability?

  RIGHT, n. Legitimate authority to be, to do or to have; as the right to be a king, the right to do one’s neighbor, the right to have measles, and the like. The first of these rights was once universally believed to be derived directly from the will of God; and this is still sometimes affirmed in partibus infidelium outside the enlightened realms of Democracy; as the well known lines of Sir Abednego Bink, following:

  By what right, then, do royal rulers rule?

  Whose is the sanction of their state and pow’r?

  He surely were as stubborn as a mule

  Who, God unwilling, could maintain an hour

  His uninvited session on the throne, or air

  His pride securely in the Presidential chair.

  Whatever is is so by Right Divine;

  Whate’er occurs, God wills it so. Good land!

  It were a wondrous thing if His design

  A fool could baffle or a rogue withstand!

  If so, then God, I say (intending no offence)

  Is guilty of contributory negligence.

  RIGHTEOUSNESS, n. A sturdy virtue that was once found among the Pantidoodles inhabiting the lower part of the peninsula of Oque. Some feeble attempts were made by returned missionaries to introduce it into several European countries, but it appears to have been imperfectly expounded. An example of this faulty expositi
on is found in the only extant sermon of the pious Bishop Rowley, a characteristic passage from which is here given:

  “Now righteousness consisteth not merely in a holy state of mind, nor yet in performance of religious rites and obedience to the letter of the law. It is not enough that one be pious and just: one must see to it that others also are in the same state; and to this end compulsion is a proper means. Forasmuch as my injustice may work ill to another, so by his injustice may evil be wrought upon still another, the which it is as manifestly my duty to estop as to forestall mine own tort. Wherefore if I would be righteous I am bound to restrain my neighbor, by force if needful, in all those injurious enterprises from which, through a better disposition and by the help of Heaven, I do myself refrain.”

  RIME, n. Agreeing sounds in the terminals of verse, mostly bad. The verses themselves, as distinguished from prose, mostly dull. Usually (and wickedly) spelled “rhyme.”

  RIMER, n. A poet regarded with indifference or disesteem.

  The rimer quenches his unheeded fires,

  The sound surceases and the sense expires.

  Then the domestic dog, to east and west,

  Expounds the passions burning in his breast.

  The rising moon o’er that enchanted land

  Pauses to hear and yearns to understand.

  Mowbray Myles.

  RIOT, n. A popular entertainment given to the military by innocent bystanders.

  R. I. P. A careless abbreviation of requiescat in pace, attesting an indolent goodwill to the dead. According to the learned Dr. Drigge, however, the letters originally meant nothing more than reductus in pulvis.

  RITE, n. A religious or semi-religious ceremony fixed by law, precept or custom, with the essential oil of sincerity carefully squeezed out of it.

  RITUALISM, n. A Dutch Garden of God where He may walk in rectilinear freedom, keeping off the grass.

  ROAD, n. A strip of land along which one may pass from where it is too tiresome to be to where it is futile to go.

  All roads, howsoe’er they diverge, lead to Rome,

  Whence, thank the good Lord, at least one leads back home.

  Borey the Bald.

  ROBBER, n. A candid man of affairs.

  It is related of Voltaire that one night he and some traveling companions lodged at a wayside inn. The surroundings were suggestive, and after supper they agreed to tell robber stories in turn. When Voltaire’s turn came he said: “Once there was a Farmer-General of the Revenues.” Saying nothing more, he was encouraged to continue. “That,” he said, “is the story.”