Winter Wishes: A Regency Christmas Anthology

by Cheryl Bolen

  Even as she said it, her spirit rebelled. The unfairness of the situation would always cause her pain. Maybe it would be different for Oliver one day…If so, then she could believe it was well worth the unhappiness swamping her now.

  "Grace, if you care about me—"

  "I do! It is why I cannot have you saddled with a lowly cook the rest of your days, the object of ridicule everywhere you go."

  "Saddled? I would count it as the greatest blessing of my life were you to be my bride."

  She shook her head. "You would see the error of your ways one day. I could not bear to have you change your mind."

  "When have I ever changed my mind where you are concerned?"

  The truthfulness of his words nearly choked her. It was a long moment before she could say, "I do not doubt the sincerity of your feelings, Rhys. I just do not believe they can overcome all of the difficulties we are bound to face."

  "I thought it was unbearable losing you before," Rhys said quietly. "But it is nothing compared to the anguish of losing you now. At least then you were choosing adventure. Now you are choosing to forego it."

  "I am choosing security," she protested. "And certainty."

  "But at what cost?" He tenderly brushed a tendril from her forehead, and she could not help but react to his touch. "Will your heart cry out some day in the future wishing for something more? You create magic for everyone around you, but are unwilling to believe it is possible in your own life."

  His words were more piercing because of the gentleness with which he uttered them. There was no anger, or pity, nor were there recriminations for her decision which altered his future happiness.

  Just as it had done once before.

  He waited patiently, his eyes hopeful, but she forced herself to remain silent. His shoulders sagged and he finally turned away. Grace knew without him saying it aloud this would be the last time they saw each other. As heartbreaking as that was, she knew it would be even worse to see him marry one day and have a family he adored.

  Her heart splintered. "Rhys."

  He turned slowly to face her. He lifted her hand and gave it a brief kiss. "My heart is yours, Grace. It has been since the first moment we met."

  He waited a moment, as if hoping she would change her mind. When she did not, he gave her a bleak smile and then left.

  Chapter 9

  January 13

  * * *

  Grace was grateful the holiday festivities were finally concluded. It was all she could do to maintain a pleasant demeanor while she carried out her daily tasks. The decorations had come down, the greenery burned before midnight to keep bad luck from visiting them. In truth, it felt as though it had anyway.

  Oliver chattered as he usually did, although sometimes she had to ask him to repeat his questions because she had been so wrapped up in her morose thoughts, she had no idea how to answer him.

  Oliver was not happy that it had been several days since Rhys and Bodhi had been by for a visit. Thankfully she had managed to convince Oliver they were travelling, hoping the lie would not be discovered. She was not sure how she would put him off in future when he realized they would not be returning.

  For now, she needed to concentrate on finishing the baking. Even without holiday events, there were still many meals to prepare each day. It did not bring her the joy it had in the past. Nothing did, except for Oliver. Too many times, though, she remembered her son with his favorite dog, and Rhys' gentle, caring manner with Oliver…

  She placed a hand to her heart. Would this feeling of loss ever subside? Now she had brought it into Oliver's life, when she had tried to prevent it from happening.

  She dug into the bag sitting on the table in front of her and tossed a handful into the bowl.

  "You do not want to put salt in there. It is sugar you need."

  Grace glanced up, shocked to see her mother standing in the kitchens. "When did you return?" She raced around the table to give her a hug. "How long will you be staying?"

  Her mother squeezed her more heartily than Grace expected. She relished it, though, needing comfort from the heartache that was bound to be her constant companion. Any other time she might be tempted to rail at her parent for enjoying everything she had once chided Grace for wanting, but not today.

  "We are not staying long," her mother answered. "But I wanted to see everyone. I certainly did not expect to see my own daughter here."

  "I had not expected to see me here, either," Grace admitted.

  Grace fixed them some tea, and they sat quietly, sipping it. Her mother glanced around the kitchen and gave an approving smile. "You have made it yours. I hardly recognize it even though I spent so many years here."

  It made Grace happy to hear the words. "It was easy to make that transition, since it was perfectly organized and ready to take over when I came here. Lord Hartstone still reminisces about the meals you made. I find myself competing with your legend."

  Her mother smiled at the praise, and then the silence continued a while longer before she spoke again. "Grace, I know you have a lot you want to say, but I have a few things I must tell you first."

  Grace tilted her head, waiting politely for the lecture that was sure to come. Did one ever grow too old to be instructed by her mother on how to improve her life?

  "I know you thought I was heartless, stifling your dreams of wanting more from life than cooking for someone else. I thought I was doing what a mother should, preventing you from suffering heartache. It seems I only caused it to appear in a different fashion."

  Grace felt some of her resentment easing. "I have similar feelings for my own child's happiness," she said. "So even though I could not comprehend when I was younger, I do now." She flashed a quick smile. "I still have to admit I was stunned to learn you chose the life of world traveler after doing your best to keep me tied to this place."

  Her mother's lips twisted into a wry expression. "You are not the only one. One day, after you left, I was scrubbing this very table and I could hear you in my mind, asking why it was so impossible to consider moving beyond our station. You asked, with such conviction, 'Is a seed told it must stay a seed, when it has the potential to become nourishment? A frog does not start as a frog. It is a tadpole, changing along the way until it becomes what it was meant to be. Why is it not then possible for a cook to aspire to more in life?'"

  Grace sat back, stunned. She had completely forgotten those impassioned thoughts. "I did not realize my words would have such an effect."

  "Oh, but they did! I was envious once you left. I am ashamed to admit that. Yet I finally understood that, just like you, I wanted more than what was in these kitchens. When Mr. Jenkins kept wooing me so persistently, I decided I was ready to be as brave as my daughter had been."

  "And now we have switched places," Grace mused. "I could not have predicted that occurring."

  Her mother patted her hand. "There will be more adventures for you again. I am confident of it."

  "I am not so sure." Her voice wavered. "Yet I want my son to have more, too. He is so full of joy, and an exuberance that I never want to see diminished by the harsh realities of this world."

  "Then why have you returned?" Her mother's expression brightened. "Was it because of Mr. Wilton? You two were inseparable. I always expected the two of you to elope, not you and Mr. Nettleton."

  "I know everyone thought I was an adventuress when I married Ben." She took a sip of tea. "In truth, it was the more prudent choice. Rhys and I had no future, our stations in life sealing us to a path neither of us could change. If I had stayed—"

  "You would have been faced with the impossibility of it on a daily basis."

  Grace nodded, sniffing to keep the tears at bay. "Both of us would have. Fortunately that will not happen now. I am certain Rhys will be leaving soon for his much-delayed quest for adventure."

  "'Tis a shame he must go alone. With you being an adventuress and all."

  "A former adventuress," Grace amended with a brief smile. "My l
ife requires more stability now that I have a child. Rhys is sure to understand why I declined his offer."

  Her mother frowned. "I cannot think of anything more stable than exploring the world with a man who puts my happiness before his own. Who obviously did so when the woman he adores married someone else."

  Grace blinked several times as she absorbed her mother's words. She had always feared that Rhys' love could not withstand the difficulties the world would throw at them. Yet his devotion had never faltered, even when she tested it at every turn. He demonstrated each day, and every blissful night, that her happiness was paramount to him.

  Even when she turned him away once again.

  "There is no one as constant as Rhys. He has proved it time and again, yet I continue to make such a muddle of everything where he is concerned."

  "We all do our best to protect our hearts, Grace. Sometimes our attempts are misguided, or have results we cannot anticipate. Fortunately, when you realize your mistake, you have a choice, just like with a recipe." She added a wink. "You can try to fix it, or start over completely."

  Grace laughed, the simplicity of her mother's advice soothing her earlier anguish. She loved Rhys. They had been given a chance to start over, and she had nearly let it slip through her hands.

  It was time now to choose the life she truly desired, just as she should have done years ago when she had convinced her own mother a cook could aspire to more in life.

  "I should warn you," Grace said with a grin, "I am likely to bring scandal down upon us."

  Her mother clucked her tongue. "I can tell you about a handful of scandals that occurred after you left, yet the world still continues on, day after day. Besides, what will I care? I shall be travelling the world, and will not be here to listen to envious gossip about my beautiful adventuress daughter and the man she loves."

  Grace chuckled at her mother's cheeky response.

  "Now where is Oliver? I cannot wait to finally meet him." Her mother's eyes twinkled. "That was the most difficult thing to endure—not being able to see my very own grandson."

  Oliver burst into the room, as if they had summoned him, laughing and clutching his wooden toy Bodhi. It went everywhere with him. "Mama! Is Mr. Wilton bringing Bodhi today? I miss them. I need to walk Bodhi so he can get his exercise."

  Her mother gasped and then covered her mouth with one hand. Her eyes teared up as she watched her grandson, and any resentment Grace had harbored long ago melted away.

  "Oliver, remember how I told you about someone you would love the moment you met them?" When he nodded vigorously, she added, "This is who I meant. Your grandmama."

  Oliver grinned as he rushed into his grandmama's arms. "I'm Oliver. And this is Bodhi. Mr. Wilton made him for me, and it looks just like the real Bodhi. Except the real Bodhi can run and lick my face."

  Her mother rocked Oliver in her arms and laughed and cried at the same time. Grace wiped away a happy tear or two to see her mother and son together.

  Susanna walked in, and Oliver announced proudly, "This is my grandmama."

  "Would you believe I knew your grandmama a long time ago? Before you were even born."

  Oliver's eyes widened, trying to puzzle that one out.

  Susanna chuckled and set the kettle on the stove. "I shall see to Mr. Oliver's tea while Mrs. Jenkins and I catch up." She gave Grace a knowing look. "I think there are some things you need to attend to."

  "You were eavesdropping, weren't you? Just when I think you cannot be more impossible--" Grace gave Susanna a quick hug. "Wish me luck. Though if I am successful, you may find yourself in charge here."

  Susanna added a saucy wink. "Maybe that was my plan all along."

  "Here, Bodhi. Fetch the stick."

  Rhys hurled it and waited for Bodhi to scamper after it with his usual enthusiasm. The branch hit the ground with a resounding thud but Bodhi did not move. He gave it a disinterested glance and then lay down, his head on his paws.

  "I sympathize, Bodhi. But we cannot spend the rest of our days moping about."

  Perhaps it had been a mistake to leave Grace without trying once more to dispel her fears. Yet he did not know how to do so. He did not wish to plead with her if her heart remained resistant.

  Still, he remembered her whispered confession, their very first night together. He knew she adored him. Though she had not told him directly, she had proven it to him many times. Unfortunately it did not provide the result he desired. Instead it reminded him he was once more third in line, behind Grace's need for security, and stability.

  He understood those needs, and it saddened him that he could not provide her the assurances she required.

  It was time for him to set off on his own travels. He should have done so long ago. Had he stayed, hoping Grace would return? If so, there was no reason to remain now. He had to move forward, carrying Grace in his heart, but not in his embrace, nor his future. He could only hope the rightness of his decision would one day banish the melancholy swamping him now.

  "Come, Bodhi, let us head home. We may as well plan our next steps."

  Bodhi's ears perked up, and he lifted his head, but he was not paying attention to Rhys. Bodhi leapt to his feet, his tail wagging mightily, and then he began racing forward, barking.

  Rhys turned, expecting to see Martin, but it was Grace heading his direction, her stride determined, not at all tentative. Still, he refused to let hopefulness seep into his heart. He had just started the task of becoming accustomed to Grace as a bittersweet memory. He could not bear to have his hopes dashed anew.

  "Rhys, I am on the verge of making the biggest mistake of my life. I need your wise counsel." Her gaze was earnest, making it difficult not to rush to her aid, as he had always done before.

  "How can I help?" He kept his voice neutral, as if she were merely asking directions to the next village.

  "Many years ago, I fell in love with a man—"

  "Yes, I know. You married him."

  "No, I did not. I wish I had married the man I loved. The one I love to this very day. But I was afraid of the obstacles we would encounter, and I chose to believe they were insurmountable."

  His heart beat a little more hopefully at her admission that she loved him. "Why did you believe them insurmountable?"

  "How many cooks do you know who fall in love with a nobleman? It is a cautionary tale from beginning to end, guaranteed to conclude with heartache. I was also well aware of the scandal it would cause your family—"

  "The scandal is they scarcely realize I exist. Not unless Charles sneezes twice in a row, or Henry complains about a tickle in his throat." He took a tentative step closer. "It is the curse of being a third son, I suppose. A talented cook would be understandably wary of an alliance with someone of so few prospects."

  "Except he was the most important part of her entire life growing up. A steadying influence as well as a kindred adventuring soul." She inhaled deeply, as if gathering her courage, and then continued. "I fear it may be too late to make amends, to commence what should have begun years ago. Yet I am also irrationally hopeful that we will be given that chance. That you are willing to take that chance with me."

  Rhys could not resist the heartfelt plea in her eyes. His heart swelled at the bravery she exhibited. It gave him strength to make his own confession.

  "You were not the only one who was fearful, Grace. When you left, it was easy to convince myself I had mistakenly inflated your regard for me. I was grateful I had not declared myself to you, as I had originally planned." He paused. "I was afraid to believe you could truly love me."

  Grace did not even hesitate. She threw herself into his arms, wrapping hers tightly around him. He thought his heart would melt when she said, "You shall fear that no longer, Rhys, for I love you with my entire being. I only wish I had acted on it years ago."

  He halted her words with another kiss. "Neither of us were ready then," he murmured against her mouth. "The important thing is we are now, and we have a lifetime to spend toget
her."

  "We have Oliver and Bodhi now, too. Our lives are bound to be filled with happiness. Though there will likely still be difficulties—"

  "Nothing could be as difficult as a future without you."

  She gave him one last kiss and then grabbed his hand. "Come. Let's find the rest of our family and tell them the happy news."

  Rhys grinned and followed her, dazzled by her happiness, and how it so easily multiplied his own.

  Grace watched as Bodhi raced ahead of them towards Hartstone Hall. She kept her hand in Rhys', needing his touch, almost unable to believe they would spend the rest of their days together.

  At last they were at the entrance to the kitchen garden. Rhys pulled her into his embrace, and this time she did not protest. What did she care about scandal? She was in love. She was loved. There was no reason to hide her joy from anyone who happened to wander by.

  She lost herself in his kisses, each more ardent than the previous one. She broke away, just to catch her breath, and to remind herself they had many plans to implement.

  As if on cue, Oliver and Bodhi raced up to them, Oliver giggling, and Bodhi panting happily.

  "It seems as if they were meant to be together," she said happily.

  "We all are," Rhys agreed.

  "Mr. Wilton, Bodhi found something really smelly and I tried to get him away from it, but he was too strong for me." Oliver's expression was slightly horrified when he added, "He even rolled his whole body in it."

  Grace bit back a laugh, and admired Rhys' ability to keep his expression bland in the face of Bodhi's aroma, and Oliver's dismay.

  "Fortunately, we can toss a bucket or two of water over Bodhi. It's the only solution, since it is impossible to prevent him from doing something when his mind is set on it."

  Grace pretended to frown at her son. "Why does that sound like someone else I know?"

  Oliver giggled, giving her one of his fierce hugs. He turned when Rhys said, "Oliver, I wonder if I could ask you something very important."