Embracing Reckless

by Melanie Shawn

  “Ugh!” Sandy teased, elbowing her sister lightly. “Only you’d get excited about literally the nerdiest category in this game, Bran.”

  We all laughed.

  I looked around the table. Besides Sandy and Brandy, there was Sandy’s boyfriend Hunter, Stuart and my mom, then me.

  I’d helped Mom and Stuart move their stuff into the Airbnb they’d rented, and pretty much the first thing my mom had said when she’d seen the big, beautiful dining room table was, “Stuart! We have to invite the girls over for a game night!”

  So, here we all were, just like any other happy family, instead of a former single mom and her son, her new husband, and the twin college students he’d never known were his daughters, one of the daughter’s boyfriends—actually, both of the daughters’ boyfriends. It was just that one of them also happened to be the former single mother’s son in this crazy family equation.

  Yep. Norman Rockwell, we weren’t. But as I listened to and joined in on the bursts of laughter that erupted throughout the night, I knew that didn’t matter. We might not be just like any other happy family, but damn it, we were a happy family.

  Brandy answered her question and got her wedge (obviously), and then Sandy picked up the die.

  Earlier in the evening, as soon as she’d seen that the game Stuart was pulling out was Trivial Pursuit, she’d piped right up and said, “Okay, if we’re playing this game, we’re changing the rules. Just one change. Bran doesn’t get to keep going after she gets a question right. If she does, it’ll be a real short game. It’ll basically consist of everyone that goes before Brandy answering one question, and then her running the board.”

  Brandy had sighed. “That’s an exaggeration. But…” she’d smiled a small, sheepishly proud smile, “not much of one, I’ll admit.”

  I couldn’t help but notice, again, how different the twins were as Sandy took her turn. The stark contrasts had been jumping out at me all night, and this was no different. Brandy had been subtly pleased when she landed on the wedge spot on the board, and then her reaction to the correct answer had been a quiet, beaming smile as she dropped the piece into her carrier.

  Sandy, on the other hand, made a big show of holding the dice in her rounded hands and shaking them over each shoulder. Then she held her cupped hands out to Hunter. “Blow on the dice for luck, baby. Mama needs a new pair o’ shoes.”

  Brandy shook her head. “You have too many shoes already, Sandy.”

  Sandy did an exaggerated gasp for comic effect. “Blasphemy, Bran! There’s no such thing.”

  She tossed the die out on the board with a flourish. When she saw the two black dots against the stark white field, she popped up from her chair, fists pumped. “Yes! Yes, yes, yes!”

  Stuart tilted his head and drew his brows together. “It’s not a wedge. It’s not a roll again. I don’t understand?”

  “It’s Entertainment,” Brandy explained.

  “Her favorite category,” Hunter added.

  “Um…the only category, as far as I’m concerned,” Sandy finished as she plopped back down in her seat.

  Stuart smiled as he looked at them, and so did I.

  Brandy had been beaming non-stop since her conversation with Sandy, and I loved seeing it. It squeezed my heart like a band every time I realized how much it must’ve been weighing on her, the fact that Sandy had been angry with her. How much pain and turmoil it must’ve caused.

  She was like a new woman, now. The glimpses I’d seen before of a carefree, confident girl—the very things that had drawn me to her like a moth to a flame—those were out in full force now. Her quick wit and even quicker smile. The bounce in her step when she walked. Her self-deprecating laugh. They were all making constant appearances now, and I loved it.

  I loved her.

  The realization hit me like a ton of bricks.

  I loved Brandy. And, now that I thought about it, that wasn’t actually some huge realization. I’d pretty much known it all along, deep down. From the first minute I’d seen her glossy blonde hair blowing in the breeze as she stood next to her broken-down car on the side of that lonely road. I just hadn’t put it into words, yet.

  I knew right then and there that this was it for me. This family. This girl. This was my forever. I’d do anything to make her happy, anything to protect her. And it was for one reason:

  I loved her.

  So simple, and yet so major.

  I leaned back in my chair and smiled, warmth filling my chest as I looked at her, her face bright with laughter and family. She was so clearly happy and fulfilled. I was honored to get to be a part of that.

  I took her hand and she glanced over at me. She drew her eyebrows together when she saw my face. “What?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “You look so…”

  “Happy, honey,” my mom broke in. “That’s his happy face, believe it or not.”

  Brandy laughed. “It’s not very happy for a happy face.”

  “Hey, guys, I’m right here,” I interjected, but they kept talking as if they hadn’t heard me.

  “Oh, it’s not his average, everyday happy face,” my mom explained, “Like the kind he gets when they have his favorite beer at some bar he goes into, or when he finds out I’m making meatloaf, which he loves—”

  “Okay. So, it’s not his everyday happy face, otherwise known as his food-based happy face. Got it,” Brandy joked.

  Mom laughed. “That’s just about right!”

  “Hey, guys. Still right here,” I said, even though I knew it wouldn’t do any good.

  “Anyway,” my mom continued, “This isn’t his surface happy face. That’s what I’m getting at. It’s his deep happy face. It’s the face he makes when all is right in the world.”

  Brandy looked at me, finally, for confirmation of what my mom had said.

  I grinned widely. “Well, hell. I guess I can’t argue with that.”

  Chapter 32

  Brandy

  I popped the last bite of pizza into my mouth as Janine stood up and gathered plates from around the room. I leaned over to Clay and whispered, “I’m gonna go help your mom,” and then stood up from the couch and followed, careful not to cross in front of the TV as I made my way over to the kitchen door.

  Game Night had naturally morphed into Pizza and Movie Night, and now it was almost eleven o’clock and we were still hanging out.

  I’d never had nights like this before. Family nights. It was so deeply satisfying, sharing laughter and good times with people who cared about you. I couldn’t believe that I’d had friends in high school who’d bitched about having to do things like this!

  “Hey! Can I give you a hand?” I asked as I walked into the kitchen.

  Janine turned around, a wide smile appearing as soon as she saw me. “Hi, hon! Sure! Wanna wash, or dry?”

  I stepped up next to her. “Dry,” I said with no hesitation. “I’m good. I get every last droplet.”

  She laughed. “I’m sure you do. We have a dishwasher at home now. But when we didn’t, Stuart was the exact same way. Thorough and meticulous.”

  I looked at her, long and hard. “He is, isn’t he? A lot like me, I mean? Or, I guess it’s the other way around. I’m a lot like him. But you get what I mean.”

  She smiled gently at me as she handed me the dish. “I do. I get exactly what you mean. And, yes, you both are two peas in a pod.”

  We were silent for a moment. Then she said, “You two being the same is for you, kind of what the picture was for Stuart, huh?”

  I hadn’t thought of it like that, but as soon as she said it, tears sprang to my eyes at the realization of how true it was. I nodded and opened my mouth to respond, but nothing came out. I just nodded again.

  Janine gave me a little nudge with her shoulder. “Aw, honey. I’d hug you if my hands weren’t dripping wet.”

  That made me chuckle and broke the tension. I opened my mouth again to take another shot at explaining, but again, to my surprise, noth
ing came out. I had to settle for a sigh and a headshake.

  How to put into words what it felt like to see the beauty of genetics playing out for me, right in front of my eyes, when I’d never had that before? To feel the pull of family running through my veins, the rich history of generations stretching back before me.

  It was magic.

  I’d always looked just like Sandy, of course. That was my only real genetic connection to the world. But we were the same age, and we also had very different personalities.

  What I experienced when I looked at the photo of Stuart’s mother—my grandmother—and what I felt when the list of things that Stuart and I had in common kept growing…well, it was inexplicable. But it was deep, and profound, and I knew I didn’t want to lose it.

  Couldn’t lose it.

  “You know,” Janine went on, covering my silence and relieving my awkwardness, “I’ve never seen Stuart as happy as he’s been since the day you rang our bell.”

  “Really?” I could hear the tremulous hope in my voice, willing the statement to be true and not just a platitude.

  “Oh, my word, yes,” she assured me. “You girls have breathed new life into him. Trust me. He’s so happy. So proud.”

  I bit my lip as my face flushed with pleasure. Sure, I was nineteen years old. Sure, I was in college, and not a little kid. But it still filled me with deep satisfaction, and fed a place inside me that was too deep to reach in any other way, for my father to be proud of me.

  “After Clay…well, I couldn’t have any more kids. So that was never an option for Stuart, once he married me. And he always said that it didn’t bother him. That he loved me, and he loved Clay, and that was enough. We were his family.”

  Her face softened at the memory. “He’s such a good man. And I do think there was truth to what he said. But never being able to give him children, it’s something that’s always bothered me. It was always there, under the surface. The fact that he’d never have that experience. That he’d given it up, chosen me instead. But now, he has both. And that makes me so happy.”

  She put down the dish she’d been washing and turned to me. “You know what, honey? Dripping hands be damned. I’m hugging you.”

  She enveloped me in her arms and I let out a deep breath, drinking in the soft, maternal energy.

  Damn. Now that I’d found this—love and acceptance, family ties—I couldn’t lose it. I really couldn’t. I had to do anything and everything in my power to make sure it stayed intact.

  Chapter 33

  Brandy

  The scent of pine filled my nostrils as Sandy and I strolled through the woods. Taking walks through the Arcata Community Forest was one of our traditions. It was something we did when we had something to talk about, but we needed to build up to it.

  It was useful. When you just sit on the couch or something to have a tough conversation, there’s no real room for silences. Because of that, things just tend to rush around and go in circles. People make their point over and over again, just phrasing it in different ways, because it’s so awkward to just sit there silently in a room with someone, marinating in your own thoughts. That’d always been my experience, anyway.

  But when you take a walk out in nature, that’s not the case. It feels very natural to keep walking, listening to the wind in the trees and the birds chirping. I’d always found that discussions with Sandy were a lot more productive when we’d been on a walk through the woods.

  The difference between this walk in the woods and every single other one that Sandy and I had ever taken, though, was that she’d called this meeting. Not me.

  I didn’t know if my technique has just finally rubbed off on her or if this signaled some kind of major maturing on her part. But, either way, I was just going to walk quietly and let her take the lead in starting the conversation. That was what I had arrived here with the intention to do, and I was sticking to it.

  Even though it became more and more difficult with every single step to keep my mouth shut and not just blurt out, “Say what you brought me here to say, already!”

  About five minutes into the forest, though, my patience was rewarded. Sandy finally spoke, and when she did, her voice was peaceful and even. Damn, what a difference a spring break makes. Suddenly Sandy is the calm, level-headed one and I’m the hyper, jumpy one?

  “So, Brandy, how are you feeling about everything?” She nudged my elbow with her own and gave me an encouraging smile.

  Wow. She was even focused on me and my feelings rather than her own. This truly was an anomaly.

  I decided to take advantage of the opportunity while it lasted, so I took a deep breath and dove right in. “Well, it’s kind of been a whirlwind.”

  Sandy nodded. “Yeah. For sure.”

  “I mean, I went on this road trip with a purpose. A plan. And I definitely didn’t include meeting a guy. And then, when we did start hanging out, I thought of it as a fling. Inside, deep down where I wouldn’t admit it to myself? Sure. I already wanted more. I can admit that now.

  “But that’s where it gets confusing. I’m a college student. Clay is… I don’t even know what to call him. A traveler. A gypsy. A wandering soul. Where is this gonna go from here? The practical side of me just can’t let that go. I know that I should just sit back and enjoy the moment. I know that. It’s basically the one main piece of advice that you’ll get from any self-help book. Live in the now.

  “But you know me, Sandy. Living in the now is not my forte. Not by a longshot. I live in the future. And I just don’t see where Clay and I can have one of those. I don’t see how it would work.”

  I paused only long enough to take another deep breath before forging ahead. “But, the thing is…I really want one of those. And I think Clay does too. Based on some of the things that he said to me, it seems like he really likes me. As in, more than he’s just attracted to me. More than he just likes to be around me. It seems like he really likes me, likes me. So that gives me hope.

  “And, honestly, that kind of just makes it worse. If I just knew that there was no way for it to work out, that would be bad enough. But constantly having to push down the hope that flutters up in my chest every time he looks at me as if I’m all he’s ever wanted. Well, that’s just torture.”

  Sandy was quiet for a minute. Then she said, “Okay. Awkward. I actually meant about our new father coming into our lives. But, yeah, sure. You should talk about your boyfriend instead. Cool. Cool cool cool.”

  I stopped short on the trail, color draining from my face, my feet freezing into blocks of ice.

  Had I really been that selfish? That short-sighted? That involved in my own problems and up in my own head?

  Of course she was talking about our father! She’d just met him for the first time. She needed me. What had I been thinking?

  When she’d gotten about ten steps ahead of me, she stopped and turned around, brows drawn together in confusion. “Brandy? What the hell are you doing way back there?”

  My voice was shaky. “Shit. I’m so sorry, San. Of course you were talking about Stuart. I’m an idiot. I’m so sorry!”

  She cracked up, even doubling over for a moment. When she stood, she wiped her eyes, she’d been laughing so hard. “Oh, my God, Brandy! You should see your face right now. Relax. I was fucking with you! Obviously you want to talk about your man candy. Dude, you take things so seriously!”

  Okay. So, that was more like the Sandy I knew and (often) loved.

  I narrowed my eyes and caught up with her on the trail. “Real nice, San. Seriously. Real, real nice.”

  “Yeah, yeah. I’m such a bitch. Blah blah blah. Same old song. Over it. But, seriously. Do you want to talk about your boy toy? Because if you do, I’m down. But none of this boring ‘what’s going to happen in the future’ whiny crap. I want naughty details. And lots of ’em.”

  I laughed. “There are quite a few of those, and I’m not going to be sharing any of them. They’re private.”

  “Aw, damn, Bran. Why�
�d you even tell me they existed then?” she pouted.

  “To torture you, sis. Because I knew it would drive you crazy.”

  She opened her mouth and looked like she was about to protest, but then snapped it shut and shook her head. “Well, yeah. You do know me, Bran.”

  I poked her in the ribs. “So, speaking of new boos…”

  “Don’t, Brandy. Don’t try to do the cute, clever phrase thing. It’s not a good look on you.”

  “Duly noted. Anyway. Speaking of…that…what’s the story with you and Hunter?”

  Her face lit up and her whole body became animated, like I’d flipped a switch that turned on her power source. “Oh, girl, damn. There are so many dirty deets to share, and you know I don’t give two shits about private.”

  “Oh, no, stop.” I clapped my hands over my ears. “I do give two shits about private, and I don’t want to hear it!”

  She giggled. “I’m just fucking with you again, Bran. God, you’re too easy.”

  I inclined my head in agreement. “True. So, what are some non-dirty details you can share?”

  She was quiet for a moment as we walked along, the sounds of nature drifting over us. This was the magic of the forest walks. The moments of contemplation.

  “Well, he’s staying an extra week. He talked to his professors and explained what’s going on. With Stuart and everything. After that, it’s only nine more weeks ’till summer. He’ll be home for three and half months, and we’ll figure something out then.”

  We took a few more steps in silence, then she added, “Wow, I can’t believe my future’s more nailed down than yours is right now. That’s gotta be a real mind-bender for you.”

  I laughed, and it felt good to break the tension. The laughter gave way to a groan, then, and I said, “Oh, San. You have no idea.”

  Chapter 34

  Clay

  I knocked on the door of the house where Stuart and my mom were staying, waited for one of them to answer. I’d been spending so much time with Brandy since we’d gotten to Arcata that it felt weird to be on my own.