by Kacey Shea
“Don’t pin this on Matthew.” Simon shakes his head, his frown full of disappointment. “You’ve had unresolved feelings for this man for years.”
He’s right. I hate that he’s right. “I kissed him. Or he kissed me. Whatever, it was reckless and stupid.”
“You love him.”
“He has a girlfriend.”
“Oh, babe.”
“It’s fine.” It’s not. “I just need to keep my head clear. Today was a blip. Too many familiar things, and it stirred up things better left in the past.”
“So, does this mean your friends know, too? Callie and Jill?”
Fuck. I didn’t even consider that they know. Or that Chase might’ve already told them. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I think back to having lunch at Jill and Cam’s not even an hour ago. “No,” I shake my head. “I don’t think he’s told them. Not yet.” Though after what just happened, he has every right to. The thought of their disappointment piles on more shame and guilt. It’s almost too much to bear.
“And where does Matthew fall in all this? Does Chase want a relationship with his son?”
“We didn’t really get to that part.” I roll my eyes at Simon’s knowing stare. “I freaked out and shut him down.”
“We’re only here a week.”
I press my fingers against my temple. “I know.”
“Alicia,” Simon says gently, waiting for my gaze to meet his. “If he’s sober and doing well, he deserves to know the beautiful child you’ve raised.”
“I’m worried it’ll confuse things more.”
His brow furrows. “For Matthew?”
“For me.”
“Well, if there’s one thing I know about you, it’s that you’ve never let fear stop you from doing what’s right. Now would be a strange time to start.”
He’s right. Of course he is. I pin him with a serious stare. “You should really become a therapist or something.”
“Ha!” He leans back in his chair. “I’m trying. I can’t find a grad school that wants me and my pitiful test scores.”
“Well, Matty and I reap the rewards of that.” I reach out and take his hand, giving it a squeeze. “Seriously, though. Thank you. For being here and for keeping me sane.”
“Always.” He grins. “Now, are we still pretending to be together for your brothers? I can’t keep track.”
“Ugh.” I wave him off. “No more pretending. Let’s stick with the truth.”
“I like that.”
Pulling out my phone, I shoot Chase a text before I lose my nerve.
Me: Come by tomorrow in the morning? Matty goes down for a nap after lunch, so earlier is better.
The wait for his response is excruciating. Almost five minutes pass, and with each second my heart falls with disappointment. Maybe he’s already changed his mind. Maybe we’re more trouble than we’re worth. I almost give up and resign to tuck my phone back into my bag, except before I do, it chimes with a series of text alerts.
Chase: I’ll be over at nine.
Chase: Thank you for giving me a chance.
Chase: I won’t let you down.
Matthew will love him. That was never a question, and I have to trust that Chase is as sober as he appears. I have no reason not to. I can’t keep Chase from knowing his son, and I’ve always wished Matty could have a relationship with his father. These are good, positive things. I should be thrilled. But somehow inviting Chase back into my life feels an awful lot like freefalling off a cliff. Only, I’m not sure where to land, and there’s nothing to keep me from getting hurt.
18
Chase
I’m driving when I get Alicia’s text. After the way she refused to have a conversation, I’m shocked by her invitation to spend time with Matthew tomorrow. Of course, I pull over and immediately accept. I’d be a fool not to take the olive branch.
I have a son. Me. A father. And tomorrow I get to spend the day earning that title. Establishing the kind of relationship I wished for as a child. The weight of that responsibility settles on my shoulders, but it doesn’t scare me. Maybe it should. I have no clue what I’m doing. But instead, this twist feels more like fate.
I have a son with Alicia.
We made a child.
My alcoholism and the mistakes I made in life led me to spending that summer in Kitty Hawk. Alicia was the first person to see me, truly, and not shy away from the ugly parts. We were both fighting addiction, but born from that struggle came something pure and good.
Our son.
A gift.
I’m overwhelmed.
My world is flipped on its axis. I move through the rest of the afternoon in a mental daze. On the outside I probably appear calm. Collected. But inside my brain is a mess, trying to process this life-altering news and coming up with more questions than answers.
I’m good with kids, but what if Matthew doesn’t like me? I’m a stranger, after all.
Are we going to tell him? Is he old enough to even understand?
Will he call me Dad?
God, I hope so.
I make three more trips to and from Alicia’s parents’. Each time I pull into the driveway I hope to get a glimpse of Matthew, but the estate is a ghost town. They must be inside. Or gone. I wish I could ask, but all my questions will have to wait for the morning.
After I’ve stored the last truckload of stuff in the garage, I hop in my truck to head home. I glance at the dash and realize I’ll be headed back this way in less than sixteen hours. Crap. I should probably prepare. Do I buy a gift? Plan an outing? I should do something. Right?
I want tomorrow to be special. I want to create a meaningful memory with my son.
I need to talk to someone. Cam would be a great sounding board, but he and Jill already have so much on their plate with the wedding and I don’t want to add to their stress. Plus, I’m almost positive Alicia hasn’t told Jill about me being Matthew’s father and she should be the one to break that news. Yeah, Cam’s out.
But who else do I call? So many of the people I would normally go to for support have ties to either me or Alicia.
There’s a tiny voice inside my head telling me to stop by one of my old drinking spots for a pint. There would be nameless strangers to listen to my woes. The alcohol would numb my worries. I tell that voice to fuck off. My brain feeds me lies. That’s part of addiction, but it doesn’t hold the power over me it once did.
At the next stop light, I pick up my cell and press Maverick’s name. It rings several times before connecting.
“No, my husband is not covering any shifts tonight,” his wife says without greeting.
I chuckle. “Hey, Vanessa, I’ve missed your voice.”
“Don’t try to butter me up. Mav promised me a date and our sitter will be over in an hour.”
“That’s not why I’m calling.”
“Oh. Sorry.” I can hear the smile in her voice. “What’s up?”
“I uh, need some advice. Kid advice. Is Maverick around?”
“He’s taking a shower. I can have him call you in thirty minutes?”
“Oh, yeah.” I’ve waited years, what’s a few more minutes. “Sure.”
“Unless there’s something I can help you with?”
Shoot. Might as well ask Vanessa; she probably has better advice anyway. Their son, Levi, will be three next month.
“If you were going to plan a casual, fun day out where would you take Levi?”
“Oh, well, depends on the weather, I guess. There’s a farm over in Ashland that has a petting zoo. Levi is obsessed with the goats. But I’d call first, because one day we ended up there the same time as a school field trip and it was kind of insane keeping track of him.”
“Okay.” That could work.
“Oh! I know! Have you been to the Richmond Children’s Museum? It’s all centered on play. They’ve got this giant structure made of recycled materials that Levi loves. It’s not like the museums when we were kids. Everything’s hands-on and interactive—painting, a p
lay kitchen, a race track with tricycles. Plus, it’s indoors and a contained environment, which helps when you’re chasing around a toddler.”
“That sounds perfect.” Excitement builds in my chest. “Oh, one more thing. What kind of toys is Levi into these days?”
“You’re not buying him another motorized jeep, are you? Because the kid is spoiled rotten as it is.”
“No, no.” I laugh. “I’m spending tomorrow with . . .” I pause, not wanting to have this conversation over the phone. Besides, if I tell Vanessa I have a child before I tell Mav, my best friend might disown me. “A friend and her son. He’s about the same age as Levi.”
“Well, do you know what he likes? Some kids love books, or figurines, or more imaginative play. Others would rather run around and dig in the mud.”
Fuck. I can’t answer her questions. It hits me that I know nothing about my own child. I don’t even know the day he was born. “I don’t know.”
“I mean, if you end up going to the museum just hit the gift shop on the way out. The toys aren’t cheap but they’ve got nice stuff, and by then you’ll know what he likes. Or let him pick something out.”
“Thanks, I think I’ll do that.” I take a deep breath, reminding myself I can’t fix or make up for the last three years overnight. The important thing is that I’m spending tomorrow with my son. “I appreciate the help.”
“Of course. Anytime. Did you still want Mav to call you back?”
“Nah, you two enjoy your night out.”
“Oh, we will,” she draws out. “It’s been way too long. Months.”
“Hey.” I chuckle. “I don’t need to know about your and Mav’s sex life.”
“I’m not talking about that, though it’s almost as bad. I’m talking about it’s been months since we’ve had dinner without a chatty, rambunctious toddler interrupting. I’m excited to have a meal where I don’t have to cook, clean, or cut the food into non-choking sized bites.”
I chuckle. “You two need to get out more.”
“Tell me about it. You volunteering to babysit?”
“Hell, yeah. You know I love that little monster.” I love him in the same way I do my niece. Maverick is my found family. A vision of our sons growing up together, being best buds, warms my chest. “Just let me know when.”
“Oh, I will. You don’t know what you’re in for.”
“I’m not scared.”
“You also haven’t done bedtime with our little monster. He’s earned that nickname. You’ll understand when you have kids.”
But I already do. My anticipation for tomorrow is dulled by the pain for all the moments that’ve passed without me. The sleepless nights. Teething. First steps. First words. I missed them all. “Hey, Vanessa, I’ve got to go. Thanks again.” I rush her off the call and take a long inhale to calm my racing pulse.
I’m angry with Alicia for not letting me in sooner. For keeping Matthew from me. For doubting I could be a good father to him. A good partner to her.
I’m sad for her too. Because she’s been through all of this alone. I’ve watched Maverick and Vanessa navigate these years with lots of joy, but struggle too. I can only imagine how difficult this has been for Alicia.
But most of all I’m confused because of the way I feel. How much I’m drawn to her, not because she’s Matthew’s mother, but because those old feelings I thought I left behind are still there. I am attracted to her. More than ever, and I want her. In every way. Including the ones I shouldn’t. Because I’m with someone else.
I don’t know what to do about that. I don’t want to lose Julia. We’re good together. She accepts me fully and I care deeply for her. But how can I pretend that the feelings I have for Alicia don’t exist? I can’t. Not after today.
The sun is setting as I pull onto my street. I spot Julia’s car parked behind Jill’s, and my stomach drops. I’m not ready to tell her about Alicia—or my son—but the universe seems to have other plans. I didn’t know she was going to stop by tonight. She probably came to see if Jill needed help with the wedding. That’s the kind of person she is. Generous. Kind. Good.
She deserves better. She deserves a man who doesn’t kiss his ex. Shame fills my chest, and I almost turn the truck around so I can avoid seeing her again. God, what I am doing?
I can’t dodge Julia forever, but for now I’d like to. I pull my truck into the driveway, still unsure of what I’m going to say, or whether I should tell her. Maybe it would be better to wait. Give myself a full twenty-four hours to process. Spend time with my son first. By the time I cut the engine and walk through the yard, I’ve convinced myself tonight isn’t the time to come clean.
As I suspected, she’s not in the guest house. I drop my wallet and keys on the counter, then give Paws some love before making my way across the yard to Jill and Cam’s place. “Knock, knock,” I say, stepping through the back door.
“In here!” Jill calls from the front room. She and Julia are seated on the floor around the coffee table, tying twine onto oversized, skeleton keys.
“What are those for?” I lift my brows, staring at Jill. “You buy stock in a fleet of castle doors?”
She rolls her eyes. “No, dumbass.” She holds one up and smiles sarcastically. “It’s the key to my heart.”
Cam struts into the room, clasping my shoulder as he passes me to snag the key from Jill’s hand. “Got it.”
She laughs. “Yeah, you do.”
“Oh, that’s interesting.” He furrows his brow as he studies the tag attached to the key. “It also works as a key to my dick.”
Jill groans as Cam laughs.
Julia sneaks a glance at me and smiles, her gaze filled with interest. “Does it work on brothers? Because I might need to take one of these with me.”
“Not until the wedding,” Jill warns, but there’s humor in her tone. “Fuck. Why did I think it would be a good idea to make all this shit? No one gives a fuck about these mementos, and my back hurts.” She rolls her head from one shoulder to the other.
Cam slides behind her, taking a seat on the couch. “I’ve got you.” He kneads his thumbs into the muscles of her shoulders.
She lets loose a sigh, her eyes closing at the apparent relief. “Yes. Don’t stop.”
“I think that’s our cue.” Julia winks my way, then finishes tying a knot and setting one of her keys into the pile of completed party favors. “Call me if you need help tomorrow.” Julia stands and walks to my side.
“Thanks. I will,” Jill says to her, then looks to me. “And thank you. Seriously, you’re my hero after today.”
“Hey!” Cam whines.
Jill’s shoulders shake with contained laughter. “Don’t worry, babe. I’m still marrying you on Saturday.”
“Night.” I raise my hand, then head out, following behind Julia as she leads the way back to my place. “Did you eat yet?” I ask once we’re outside and out of earshot. “I didn’t know you were coming by tonight, but I can order takeout.”
“No, I’m good.” She walks through my door and holds it open for me. “I ate after work.”
I walk to the kitchen and fill a glass of water just to have something to do with my hands. “Want a drink?” Now that we’re alone my nerves surge forward full force. I swear she can read the anxiety on my face.
“No, thanks.” She pulls out one of the barstools and watches me, staring a little too long. “How’d it go today?”
Kissed my ex. Found out I’m a father. “Fine.” Anything but fine.
“Does Jill have you running errands tomorrow too?” Julia’s gaze is on her phone screen, scrolling through her feed as she waits for my answer.
Worry tightens my throat as I prepare to feed her another lie by omission. I don’t know if Jill needs me tomorrow, but my day is booked. I’m taking my son to a museum. “I think so. We’ve got that movie night at the teen center, so I won’t be done until late.”
“Oh, that’s right.” She nods, her finger sliding along the screen of her cell. “
Alicia was nice.”
Fuck. For a moment I think she must know everything, but when she doesn’t say anything else or even meet my gaze, I remember she’s probably just commenting from when she stopped by during lunch. “Oh, yeah.” I turn my back to open the freezer to grab a few ice cubes, and to avoid her gaze.
“You sure the two of you never hooked up?”
I freeze, then peer over my shoulder to see Julia isn’t even looking my way. The casual tone of her words doesn’t scream jealous girlfriend, but one can never be too careful. I infuse lightness in my voice and force a laugh. “Why do you say that?”
I never told Julia about Alicia, or how we hooked up my summer in Kitty Hawk. The only person who knows is my therapist. I think Cam suspected, but he never came out and asked, so I never offered. It would have put him in an awkward place with Jill, and maybe that’s why it always stayed a secret. But the reason I never told Julia? That’s simple. In my experience, girlfriends don’t like to hear about past girlfriends, even when they act as though they’d be okay with it.
“Just something Jill said.” Julia laughs, shaking her head as she meets my gaze.
I study her face but find no alarm or discord. She’s not even ruffled by it. “What’s that?”
She rolls her eyes and laughs, setting her phone down on the counter before standing and walking over to loop her arms around my waist. “Said her little boy looks like a mini version of you. Well, as much as any handsome little boy with dark hair and dark eyes would.” She shrugs, her body relaxed with her smile. “I mean, I know it’s not true, but I’m curious to see him now. Must be a handsome kid.”
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Julia might think it’s a joke now, but she’s not stupid. When she sees Alicia and Matthew at the wedding, she’ll put two and two together. She just will.
My chest feels tight. I can’t relax. There’s not enough air. My thoughts. This house. Julia’s arms around me. They all feel suffocating. I can’t spend the rest of the night acting as if everything’s normal when my entire world’s been turned upside down.
I glance away from Julia and catch the time off the microwave. “I’m going to a meeting.”
